A Lesson in Forgiveness (25 page)

“I wanted to talk to you now.” Colin tried to keep his tone light, but even he cringed at how his voice sounded. He knew he needed to get her yelling at him, but wanted to do it reasonably, if possible.

He could see her entire body stiffen. She walked past him, back toward the house. Colin meant to stop her when he noticed that she looked around the maze. When satisfied with what she saw, she turned back to him with fire in her eyes. “Who, the hell, do you think you are?”

This was it. He just needed to keep stoking the fire. “I am your husband, Bethany.”

“Really.” Ginny knew it was time to have it out with her husband. None of the servants would be able to hear them out here. She knew most of the gardeners would be trimming the lawn in the front today. This was the perfect opportunity to scream at him to her heart's content and not deal with the servant gossip. “I guess we have a different definition of husband, then.”

“Not at all. We are married, until death do us part, Bethany.”

“Which gives you the choice of sticking around or not. You can take a mistress as long as I'm willing to allow you the liberty of producing an heir. You can spend whatever money you want, while I get to live off your good graces.”
“Yes, that is correct.”

Ginny bowed her head. She couldn't change the reality of the time period, but she didn't need it shoved in her face. “I hate you, Colin Whitmore. I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for tricking me into marriage. But more than that, I hate myself for allowing it. Instead of going after you on our wedding night, I went to bed. I let you treat me like a piece of trash and then I got to pay for it for an entire year. While you had loads of fun visiting cities I can only dream about, I got to clean up an ugly mess, cover up your abandonment, listen to people praise you on high, while turning around and gossiping about me behind my back.”

Ginny was only getting started. She had so much anger and pain to get out, she could only stop to take a breath. “I had to tell a household of people in London that they would have to work for someone else because I couldn't afford to pay their salaries. I had to let go half your staff here. Thank God Miles bought a home only ten miles away. He took everyone I let go so they wouldn't have to suffer without work. I toiled in this garden, along with the only two gardeners I could still afford, trying our best to keep the garden beautiful. And why? So you could fuck half the whores of France and Italy in your childish attempt at punishing me for one mistake. I would have told you no. I would have gone home and maybe found a nice man to settle down with. But instead, I got a year of sitting around waiting for you.”

“I would not say you were just 'sitting around,' Bethany. You did apparently have your entertainments as well.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Oh, yes, my affair with your friend. The worst we ever did was kiss, Colin. Miles never once visited my bed, so don't even think of throwing that in my face. Can you say the same thing? Did you never screw Desiree, was it? And Marguerite. Or, how about Brigitte? I can hardly remember the names that the man who was sent to find you came back with. I wonder that even you could remember.”

“They meant nothing to me...”

“Shut the hell up, Colin! Don't you realize that only makes it worse. Your willing to stick your dick in anything female because somehow I will learn my lesson here. You disgust me! You, and many men like you, think you have some free reign to act like adolescents. You care nothing of anyone but yourselves. Did my feelings ever once come into your mind? Did you ever once consider how your behavior might have been stabbing me in the heart? Do you even care now or are you just worried that you'll have to rape me to get your goddamn heir?”

Colin's eyes were as wide as saucers. He was stunned at his wife's language, wondering what sort of filth she associated with during his absence. Colin even briefly considered some of the parties he'd heard about, wild orgies and debauchery. Keeping himself in check, knowing this was exactly what he wanted, he could only state the obvious. “Our marriage would have ruined my plans. I have been taking care of others since I graduated university...”

“Wah, wah, wah. Go cry to someone else, Colin. Life isn't fair, but if you had taken just a moment to talk to me, you might have found out some interesting things. For instance, I would have let you go, as long as you didn't betray our vows. Or I would have gone with you. I would have loved to go with you as a matter of fact. I owned up to my mistake, Colin. I never wanted to ruin your life and would have done anything to prevent it. Your ruined life was your own making and until you own up to that, we have nothing further to discuss. Lord and Lady Hammersfield will be vacating your townhouse by the end of August. It will be made ready for the season. I strongly suggest you go there and attend and make up whatever bullshit excuses you have to your friends for your untimely disappearance. Find a mistress and enjoy. You will find no such comfort here with me.” Ginny walked away as fast as she could. Praying that he would not follow her, she felt her heart pounding, her hands shaking and sweat pouring down her brow. In her life here or in Scotland or in Arizona, she had never once lost her control so badly. Thinking back at her words, she was ashamed at her lack of discipline. How many times had she practiced her speech for his return? How had she lost all the words she wanted to say, the ability to sound superior? Instead, she lashed out at him like a junkyard dog.

Before she could get past the edge of the maze, she heard him call out. His words stopped her in her tracks. “Bethany, I am nothing short of amazed by what you accomplished this past year. I can only thank you for all you did for our home, our lives. You are, by far, the most extraordinary woman I have ever met.”

Ginny wanted to respond with something biting, horrifying. Instead, she stood still, back still turned, letting the tears fall down her cheeks. Her arms crossed over her chest and she felt herself shaking. Colin silently walked up behind her. He wouldn't touch her, but wanted so much to do just that.

“You are right. I do need to take responsibility for my own callous actions. I was a cad and I treated you abominably. You are absolutely right about the women. They were meant to hurt you, but in the end, they hurt me as well. I have been consumed with guilt and remorse for months now. I wanted to come home, but I wasn't brave enough. I have no right to ask anything, but I hope that somehow, we can live together. When you are ready, if you are ever ready, I will be waiting.” Colin turned and walked in the opposite direction, needing some space and time. Her words had cut deeply, but nothing compared to what he inflicted on himself. He would need time to consider his options.

Ginny waited until she could no longer hear his footsteps. Then she dropped to her knees and cried into her hands. Could it be different? Could she forgive him? The answers were probably yes, but it still left one gaping question:  Could she ever forgive herself?

Chapter 21

Instead of going back to the house, Ginny went to the one place she found solace. She sat in the wooden chair, in the ivy covered gazebo near the lake. Staring across the glistening water, breathing in the familiar smell of stagnant water, listening to the chirping crickets, Ginny was forced to face her biggest challenge. Forgiving her husband for his abandonment was nothing compared to forgiving herself for her cowardice.

It's never easy to forgive, but Ginny appreciated that in the end, it would benefit her to do so. Holding onto her anger would only hurt her, since her husband would undoubtedly move on without her. She didn't relish the idea of becoming a bitter, old woman, as she'd seen too many times before.

On the other hand, Ginny didn't want to become the naive woman who would take back her cheating man because he said he was sorry. If he had thought so little of his vows a year ago, what made her think he thought much about them now. She knew too many women who had fallen into that trap as well.

Drawing her legs up on the chair and wrapping her arms around them, Ginny considered her grim situation. The ducks were gliding across the water, occasionally diving under for a snack. Their one swan, a mean son of a bitch she'd named Bubba, was squawking at the other inhabitants of the lake. He always made her smile, mostly because he didn't give a damn about anyone else.

As she watched Bubba bully the ducks, a thought occurred to her. Were they actually married? Yes, they had exchanged vows and consummated their relationship, but they had lived together for only one day before he left. They hadn't lived as man and wife and had only known each other a few weeks before they did that.

Was it possible that they could start over? Forget the past, forgive each other's weaknesses and begin again. Ginny's eyes darted around her surroundings, trying to think of any reason why it shouldn't work. She could be stronger this time and not put up with demeaning treatment. He could be different because he had his time alone and had no more excuses to act like a teenager in heat.

How would she go about it? Should she just sit him down and tell him her plan? Of course she should, but being female nearly precluded that possibility.
Good job, Ginny, you want to make a fresh start, remember?

She would discuss it with him at dinner. There would have to be courting, wooing. There should be flowers and long walks and inappropriate conversations. If it was going to work, they would have to start over, as if they were meeting for the first time. Everything over the past year would be forgotten and never brought up again. No more passive-aggressiveness, only two people who are compatible seeing if they are suited enough to be married.

And if they aren't?
Well
, Ginny thought,
one step a time.

Ginny stood up and went to the house. She would talk with Tabby and get her opinion. If Tabby thought it was crazy, it probably was. The girl had a good head on her shoulders and was always there to comfort her. Ginny felt stronger, more confident. She finally had a plan. It didn't matter if it ultimately worked, she knew that it was high time forgive herself and move on, hopefully home.

Colin stood in the drawing room, pacing back and forth, waiting for his wife to arrive. Their discussion that morning had changed things between them. He just wasn't sure if they had changed for the better. Bethany had managed to avoid him all day, not that he was looking for her. He was constantly thinking about what he could do to change things. Women had notoriously long memories, so he was at a loss.

So lost in his thoughts, he never heard her enter the room. His wife had even managed to pour herself a drink before he noticed her. Colin watched her as she crossed the room, glass of sherry in hand. She sat down on one of the settees and sipped her drink. His breath caught in his throat. She was a vision in the light blue silk dress. Her hair, cut short, bobbed and swayed with her movement. He recognized the diamond jewelry as the pieces he'd left her on their wedding night.

“Good evening, Bethany.” Colin was amazed he'd managed the words.

“Good evening to you, Colin. Won't you have a seat?” Bethany pointed to the chair directly across from her own. “Before you sit down, perhaps you should get yourself a drink.”

Ginny was very careful not to give anything away. Her face was a total blank. Although she hoped they could reconcile, she still felt the need to make him squirm just a bit.

“No, thank you. I am fine.” Colin was almost afraid she'd poisoned the wine, she was so calm and docile. Her manner only made him worry more.

Once seated, Ginny stared into her husband's eyes. Her proposal could be taken well, or he could ignore it. Either way, she would know she'd done all she could for this marriage. If he chose to ignore her suggestion, she would move back to her mother's home, an offer her mother had made on several occasions.

“Colin, I have a proposition for you.” Continuing to stare, trying to gauge his reaction, Ginny could tell he was scared. She felt herself smile slightly at the thought.

Seeing her smile only made Colin more nervous. “I am listening.”

“For all intents and purposes, you and I can hardly claim a marriage. We said our vows, which we both subsequently ignored. We consummated our relationship, although we need not get into the disaster that was. We have lived very separate lives for the past year. Would you agree with that assessment?”

“Yes, but...”
“A simple yes will do for now, Colin. The reasons are immaterial. Our marriage is non-existent and that is the central issue. So, how do we begin to recognize it again?” Ginny waited only a moment, knowing that Colin would probably have nothing to say to that. “I believe the only way we can move on is to start over.”

His eyebrow shot up and looked at her with a puzzled expression. “How do you mean to do that, Bethany.”

“I mean that from this day forward, anything that happened between us, from the kiss in the garden on, is forgotten. Neither of us will ever bring it up again. It will be as if it happened to two other people. From tonight on, we are not even married.”

“Bethany, a divorce is not possible...”

“I'm not talking about getting a divorce, Colin. Obviously, in the eyes of the church, we are very much married. However, if we want to make a life together, we need to start over. That means you will need to court me. Remind me of all the things I once liked about you. I shall go back and be the woman you met at your house party. We shall have meals together and you shall woo me. What do you think of that?”

Colin stared incredulously for a moment. Did he hear her correctly? Did she expect him to treat her as if they were never married. His expression must have betrayed his doubts, because his wife stood up and walked to the window. He didn't want to foul up his only chance. She had given him a gift and he should accept it with open arms.

Standing up, he walked behind her. Staring out the same window, he suggested, “You really should consider keeping your conversations to the weather, Miss Hamilton. I will not abide a scandal at my home.”