A Little Bit of Us (19 page)

     “Hey guys, don’t you think stretching in the morning is almost better than sex?” Summer randomly announces as we take a quick break. This break includes cartons of kebabs and other bad for you foods. Mm.

     “Umm… It’s a close second, that and scratching your back,” I put in. They both hum in agreement. “I miss sex.”

     “Me too,” Marie sighs. “It’s been five days.”

     “I’ve had it three times in the past five months.”

     “I had it last night,” Summer grins wickedly. “Got to love multiple orgasms.”

     “Ok, I think this conversation is better left for another time,” Marie cackles and wraps her arms around my
shoulders, her chin rests next to my head. “Let’s get started on your room next.”

     The living room is completely empty of all ornaments, photos, (the photos were the hardest part) and anything else that is small and not attached to anything important. It looks so naked. Fortunately the books are still on their strangely placed shelves which actually suits the place really well.

     “We’ll do all the dusting and cleaning when we’ve done every room. Doesn’t make sense to do it now when it’ll just transfer from the other rooms whilst we’re sorting anyway.” Summer skips around the table and picks up another stack of boxes. Marie makes sure they’re all correctly marked before following us into my room. “Oh my god. Your room is awesome!” It even has a vending machine in the corner that needs refilling.
That certainly adds to the awesomeness.

James:
I’ll take that as a no.

Maya:
Hold your horses, I was busy. Yes you can come.

James:
Are you sure?

Maya:
I want you there.

     “Have you guys heard this?” I scoff and slam pregnancy book number one on the breakfast bar. “They should do a book that shows what I can do. That list would be shorter! But I’m allowed to jog because I was already a pretty frequent jogger.”

     “I think that sports vest is a little small for you, don’t you think?” Marie suggests and points to my rounding belly. I stick out my lower lip and place both hands on my pudgy which is now a noticeable bump. Noticeable to the point where it’s completely rounded. I can still see my feet.

And your moo!

     “Good point,” I pull on one of my dad’s hooded sweaters on over it.

     “Do you really think you should jog in this weather?” Marie asks looking a bit concerned. Fuck, the snow. With another sigh I pull the sweater back off. “Good girl.” Whatever.
“Let’s go build a snowman.” Sounds like a plan.

     We bulk up in sweaters, pants, jackets and gloves and scarfs before heading out into the snow. It’s only a few inches thick but the area is clear enough to accomplish this. They don’t throw snowballs as they’re too worried about hitting me in the stomach even though I’m padded enough to not feel it. They won’t even let me roll a ball if it’s higher than my shin. Ridiculous! Pregnancy sucks.

     I stand in front of our six foot tall snowman as large flakes of white flutter around us. Marie wraps a red scarf around its neck as Summer works the carrot into the middle of its face. I give it a penis. Dildos aren’t only good for sex you know.

     The girls howl when they see what I’ve done. We take it in turns taking pictures and even ask a passerby to take one of the three of us before snatching the dildo and scarf and heading inside.

     “Where are we spending Christmas this year?” Marie asks me. She has family but the family she has aren’t in contact with each other. It’s sad.

     “You should both come to mine!” Summer claps her hands like a child. “It’ll be fun.”

     Marie and I shrug, it doesn’t matter either way. “Guess we need to get more presents.”

     We wake up early and finish the house. It really didn’t take as long as I thought it would. At present there are men from a local charity carting boxes of my donated items to a van. Summer is sorting through color cards so we can decide on the paints whilst Marie calls around places that take donated furniture. I’m getting rid of everything but the furniture in my dad’s room which is going in mine because it’s been in the family for a long time. Everything else that isn’t attached to the walls and floor is going. This is going to be a new home, a new life, a new start. Half of the stuff I’m getting rid of Marie wants.

     I get the fact she’s full of pride and wants to buy things herself but I wish she’d let me help her. She has a decent job that pays well but her hours are erratic and shit. Some weeks she doesn’t get work at all and I know she uses those weeks to visit her friends rather than live on ramen noodles. I have to respect the woman though, she’s adamant that she can make it on her
own and she has and will. I guess part of me just wants to give her a head start in life. She doesn’t need to struggle because she already has me. I’m just grateful she didn’t object to taking my car. Although I think that’s mainly because she’s adamant that she’s stolen it rather than me gifting it to her. I won’t correct her on that. Besides, she uses it to chauffeur me around whenever I need. Bless her.

     “I like the deep red for the room. With this cream color. The red can go around the fireplace. What do you think?” They both nod in agreement.

     Once we decided on our colors we wrapped up warm and headed to the closest DIY store. So many paintbrushes. So many paints. What happened to just red? There were about sixty different shades on one shelf alone and they all looked the same. Except one, that one was closer to Santa’s robe. You can tell that it was different. Not that it mattered, I just thought I’d point that out.

    So now we’re sat with sheets over everything in the living room. Trays by our feet full of paint. I opt to do the edging around the bottom and around the fireplace with a tiny brush because I cannot fathom a roller. Yeah I get how it works I just can’t do it without spitting paint everywhere.

    We’v
e almost finished the first coat of one wall when there’s a knock at the door. Marie hurries to get it and in strolls Lucas with a case of beer under one arm and a bag of junk food in the other. He smiles at us seductively and drawls, “Ladies.”

     “And why are you here?” I take in his paint covered coveralls.

     He shrugs, “A little birdy told me you’d be decorating. I happen to know a thing or two about that. Being an ex-builder and such.”

     And with that, four friends get covering up the grey walls. Wow my back hurts.

     Lucas, with help from Marie and Summer manages to transfer the furniture from my dad’s room and into mine after another charity come and collect my own furniture. I step into my dad’s bare room and shudder. Please don’t hate me for this daddy. I figured you’d want to be as close as possible to your grandchild.

    I’m about to turn and leave when I notice a tiny metal handle on the floor where my dad’s bed used to be. Strange. I’ve never noticed this before and the amount of times I’ve hidden under his bed is ridiculous.

    The others are laughing and joking in my room as they straighten up the furniture. I drop to my knees and grip the handle. After taking a deep breath I lift it and find a tiny cubby space with a shoebox inside.
It’s ratty and filthy with dust so thick it’s almost greasy, I wipe it down with my sleeve after pulling it out.

     “What’s that?” Lucas asks and steps into the room.

     I shrug, “No idea.” Pulling open the lid I gasp. It’s full of photos, not just any photos. “It’s my mom.” I’ve never seen a picture of her before, the resemblance is uncanny. We both have the freaky violet eyes and the same nose and teeth.

     I start flipping through them, there’s pictures of her and my dad dating back to graduation. Oh my god. There’s even some dirty ones with randy little messages on the back from my mom to my dad.

     “Here,” Lucas says and hands me a small Polaroid. It’s a picture of me in my mom’s arms as a baby. The only picture of the two of us together. She looks tired and aggravated. She’s holding me a little carelessly, like she has to, rather than the fact she wants to. And then she left two days later. I touch my tiny face and feel my eyes burn. Why didn’t she want me? What did I ever do to her? “Hey. She’s not worth it.” He puts his arm around me and starts dumping the pictures back in the box. I drop them into the cubby hole and cover it with a brown rug. “Your dad loved you enough for the both of them.”

     
I still can’t help but feel like a little home wrecker. My dad is so happy in those pictures, the way he looked at my mom with so much love. I ruined that for him.

     “Your dad loved you Maya.” Lucas says softly and rubs my back. “Did he ever seem even a little unhappy to you? Because I’ve seen pictures of you both and he looked like the happiest man alive.”

     He’s right, my dad never seemed unhappy with me. I’m just sorry he had to make a choice. But isn’t that what parents are supposed to do? Choose their child?

Yep. They are. And your father chose the right person.

     Yeah. He did. I’d make the same choice he made if forced to choose. My mom clearly didn’t love him enough to choose him and he deserved better. It’s a shame he never remarried. Although I was a daddy’s girl and whenever he brought another woman home I’d be awful to her.

     There was this one time I filled this woman’s purse with worms, and the next one I filled her bag with spiders. Then there was the cream cake incident where I waited for her to start to sit
before putting a cream cake under her ass. Oh, and my personal favorite, the one where I told a different female who I really hated that my dad usually took men to bed with him and I was shocked he was having a girl sleep over for the first time ever. We didn’t see her again.

     My dad found them mostly funny and told me I’d always be his number one girl. After that I grew up, he started going out with his dates rather th
an introducing them to me, but when he did I was polite to them and kind to them. There was no reason for me to dislike them, I’d already become a teenager and found my own friends and started staying out more and going out more. My dad wasn’t my best friend anymore.

     “I see that light in your eyes,” Lucas grins and nudges me. “You’re going to be fine.”

     I want to ask him about James, ask him if he’s seen him and ask him if he’s ok, but I don’t. I have no right know anything about him at this current point in time.

     We head out the next day, just myself and Marie, as Summer and Lucas are both back to work. Our outing is for the sole purpose of stocking up for the invader. So far we’ve chosen a nursery set, extremely similar to the one James owns, I don’t want to confuse the little gnome when she starts moving back and forth between houses. I stick with beige and browns as my father’s room is that color already.

     We get help from a really nice elderly lady who works in store. She tells us what we’ll need, how much of it we’ll need what sizes, what styles and by the time we leave we’ve spent more money than I spent on my last car. Which was a lot.

     The clothes freak me out because of how tiny they are, how can something be so small? It’s ridiculous. We stock up on clothes. She probably has more than me now thanks to Marie. Who knew Marie could coo so much over little baby clothes? She’s more anti-child than I am. Maybe I don’t know her as well as I thought. This saddens me.

     We head to a little diner for lunch, I
polish off two burgers and shakes and the remainder of Marie’s cheesy fries. It’s safe to say she’s impressed. Now home time to finish painting. Things are really starting to look up.

James:
Where are you spending Christmas?

Maya:
Summer’s. With her, Chris and her family.

     He doesn’t respond. I don’t blame him.

    I didn’t head to couples therapy on Wednesday, seeing as we aren’t a couple and we pretty much have eve
rything resolved where the baby’s concerned. James and I haven’t spoken since last Monday, which makes it a full week now. Not since that text about Christmas. Marie has taken up residence in the spare room and it’s safe to say the house is almost finished and I’m extremely proud of myself. The painting is actually really decent and I’m happy with the colors.

     Work is running smooth, with Oliver on the scene and James’ new guy I barely have to do anything.
Marie hasn’t received much work and when she has she’s been back within three hours.

     I can’t say I’m on the path to getting back Maya but I can honestly admit that I’m finally healing. Even if I do cry myself to sleep most nights and
flick through pictures on my phone of James. I’ve even placed my phone next to my head with his picture on the screen so I could fall to sleep looking at him. I’m now officially one of those girls that are knee deep in sickening love. The girl I promised myself I’d never be but in all honesty I wouldn’t change it for the world. Even though I’m hurting now, I’ve never felt more alive than I did when I was with James.

     Summer’s family are great, Christmas was great, and the food was great. The presents were awesome. Marie got me one of those kiddie chemistry sets. I can now make tiny crystals out of non-dangerous substances. Summer got me some posters of my favorite actors and singers. I love these. Definitely going on my bedroom wall.

     I wish I could go into more detail about Christmas but in all honesty I felt empty and hollow all day. Even when the kids started a food fight, I laughed, I smiled but inside I felt nothing. Will I ever feel again? Each day is passing me by. Each day I’m constantly doing something, be it cleaning or decorating or organizing. I got my baby
equipment orders delivered to mine a few days ago and I spent two days sorting through all of that. Lucas set up the furniture whilst I played with Amelia. I sent their presents back with Lucas. Including James’ gift. I hope he likes it, I bought it before we broke up so I wasn’t sure whether to give it to him or not.

     I’m now officially
twenty six weeks pregnant and shitting it. The invader is constantly active although I have yet to see her move. Not looking forward to that day.

It’s Boxing Day and Marie has gone home, everything is finished so she felt I could handle it from here. My phone alerts me to a text. I scramble for it, praying that it’s James, I miss him so much but I daren’t call him for fear of rejection.

It’s Lucas.

Lucas:
James told me to thank you for his gifts. Especially the matching bibs for him and baby. They were awesome! Where’s mine? Thank you for Amelia’s toys and my cellphone. You’re awesome. We miss you. I’ll come see you tomorrow.

     James didn’t mention the special gift I got him? I can understand why. I got him a new wedding band, one that I picked out myself with our names engraved on the underside of the band. I knew I shouldn’t have given it to him. It wasn’t me saying we should get remarried it was a declaration of love. Unlike our marriage which was supposed to be a partnership.

Maya:
Great stuff! I’m glad you enjoyed xx I miss you too. Can’t wait to see you both! Tell Amelia to pack an overnight bag. I want her tomorrow. Before sinus blocker steals her.

Lucas:
I’ll stay too. Be nice for a change of scenery and I really want to watch Vampire Diaries with you again… that was soooooo much fun. ;)

     At least I have something to look forward to. Which reminds me, I spoke to Jacob last week. He’s trying to make it down for New Year’s Eve. I pray he can make it. I miss him like crazy.

     “Auntie Maya!”
I wrap my arms around the little girl and smother her face with kisses. “Daddy say we staying tonight.”

     “That you are, we’re going to eat
candy and pizza and watch movies until bed time!”

     Lucas steps forward and wraps me in a tight hug, “Christ you’re getting big Maya.”

     “That’s not funny.”

     “Any stretch marks yet?” he chuckles and follows me into the room. My bump is about the same size of what someone at five months should be. I’m glad. “Marie told me you read the baby books.”

     “Fat load of good they did me.”

     He sits on the new couch and
switches on the TV. I use this moment to order pizza and make drinks. Amelia sits on my lap telling me all about her new toys and her new games. I listen intently, loving the way her little face gets all expressive and excited.

     “You found out you were pregnant on Halloween didn’t you?” Lucas suddenly blurts.

     “Yeah, I’m never going to look at that holiday the same way again.”

     He laughs. “That sucks. Did you have any plans?”

     “Just a quiet night in with Jacob. We couldn’t be assed with the whole dressing up thing plus he had work the next morning. What did you guys do?”

     “I was a witch,” Amelia grins and jumps from my lap. “And my daddy was a zombie. Uncle James couldn’t come. But daddy sent him picture and he say I look pretty.”

     Another reason I regret leaving for LA, because I walked out on Amelia and she didn’t deserve that.

    
I bath Amelia and put her to bed in the spare room that Marie had taken up residence in. Hell if I don’t miss Marie. She’s a great girl but a free one. I think she’s moved apartments four times this past year, she hates being in one place for too long.

     Lucas is sprawled out on the couch with a bowl of popcorn resting on his belly. I sit by his feet and grab a handful. We fall into a comfortable silence whilst watching the movie.

     Then suddenly, “He misses you.”

     Here we go. “I miss him too.”

     “He’s always asking about you. Asking if you’re asking about him.” Typical James. “He cried about the ring.”

     Of course he did. I cried, and if I cried then he definitely did. “I don’t want to talk about him Lucas. I’m finally finding myself again.”

     “Ok,” he pulls me down to lay with him and rests his hand on my stomach. Bump. “Call him.”

     “I see him in a couple of weeks.”

     “He misses his baby too.” Even though they’ve never met. “He’s missing out on all the joys of watching you grow and you are growing fast. Imagine how devastated he’ll be when he sees you in two weeks. Is it your six month check?”

     I nod, “Yeah, it is and ok I’ll think about it. I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now. Everything’s too new. You don’t take the stitches out of a still healing wound.”

     “So when’s Jacob coming?”

     “Hopefully within the next few days.” I grin with excitement. “I miss him. He’s a great guy.”

     “Maybe he’ll be able to reawaken that Maya spark that seems to have fizzled out.” I pray for this to be the case. I miss my quirky sense of humor. Hell, I even miss my libido.

Right here. Have you not noticed there’s a man’s body pressed up behind you?

     Ok, maybe not so much my libido. Why can’t I shut off that side of myself? I swear my vibrator sees my cunny more than the toilet does these days.

     “So, something we’ve never spoken about yet,” I say with a smirk. “What exactly happened on thanksgiving? The next morning to be exact?”