A Load of Hooey (11 page)

Finally, you've got to appreciate my extra abs. That's right, I have two abs more than most people. They are in my lower back, and, I'll admit it, they were put there by my Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. I was told that they are the latest thing. God, I hope so. They hurt like hell.

Famous Quotations—Unabridged

“
There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship
, but one of those heated bathroom floors? That comes close—real close.”

—Thomas Aquinas

SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK

EXT. PRISON

INT. PRISON MEETING ROOM

In a sad, generic meeting room, five prisoners sit in their faded orange jumpsuits, rough characters all. In this California federal prison, they are mostly Latino. A fellow prisoner strides in with heavy energy and a shredded face. His imposing size adds to a sense of his own gravity. He is Placidio, their Director, and he is the big dog in this pack—not to be messed with! They, the prisoners, are in a theater group. What else is there to do—it's prison!

Placidio unnecessarily silences the already silent group.

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Okay, motherfuckers, shut the hell up!

                             
(
beat
)

                    
Now I want to congratulate you all on

                    
an excellent production of
Steamboat
last

                    
Friday. The reviews are in: you're the hit

                    
of the whole prison, but before you get

                    
swell heads, I want to tell you your prize:

                    
you have to take on Shakespeare!! The

                    
immortal Bard! Every prisoner's challenge:

                    
the language, the passions, the intellect!

No reaction from the assembled. They're not sure how to take this. Some smell a challenge. No one high-fives
.

                                  
PLACIDIO (CONT'D)

                    
Now, before you go high-fiving, because

                    
you were all so great in the last production,

                    
I'm going to let you pick which play

                    
you get to do.

                                  
LUIS

                    
Uhhh,
any
Shakespeare play?

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Any one at all. The challenge of a

                    
lifetime…you lifers!

                                  
LUIS

                    
Well, I guess it's hard to choose. There's

                    
so many…

Suddenly, in the back of the room, ROBERT speaks up. Robert is a white-collar criminal, only here due to spillover at the “country club” prison up the road
…

                                  
ROBERT

                    
Placidio has issued us a challenge. I have

                    
not been the most vocal of inmates, but if

                    
you'll allow me to speak as a used-to-be

                    
patron of the arts, I'd say, if I had to vote,

                    
I'd vote for…Shakespeare in the Park.

The other prisoners aren't sure about Robert, but we can see his suggestion has an immediate attraction to them
.

                                  
RAFALIO

                    
Sounds good to me.

                                  
RANDALL

                    
Yeah, I like that one best.

There is general agreement all around, but before this wildfire can catch wind, Placidio wants to clarify his intent
…

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Okay, well, maybe you don't understand

                    
the question so good, but
which
of the

                    
great Shakespeare's plays would you

                    
choose to do?

                                  
ROBERT

                    
I understood you perfectly—I am a

                    
great aficionado of the Bard, and I would

                    
propose we take on
In the Park
. That one.

                    
Its full name is
Shakespeare in the Park
.

The other prisoners, who've never given a second look to Robert, are suddenly on his side in a big way. Their energy gathers in a restless mummering, but they silence when Placidio puts up his hand
—

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Wait, motherfuckers, wait! There's no

                    
such thing, man. I don't think…

                                  
ROBERT

                    
Uh, indeed there is. I saw it many years

                    
ago. More than once. It was great. They

                    
performed it outside, just as Shakespeare

                    
intended!

Rafalio, no friend of Robert's (he tried to kill Robert once…a day, for the past four years), is suddenly on his enemy's side
—

                                  
RAFALIO

                    
Yeah, I've heard of it. The best play ol'

                    
Bill Shakespeare ever wrote.

                                  
EDDIE

                    
I know it, too!
Shakespeare in the Park!

                    
They do it every year in my hometown.

                    
New York.

Placidio hesitates, he is not on firm footing here
—

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Okay, slow down, look…you mean, you

                    
saw a Shakespeare
play
, like
Othello
, or

                    
Richard the Third
, or
Hamlet
…IN THE

                    
PARK. Right? Yeah?

                                  
LUIS

                    
I don't know about that…it was just

                    
called
Shakespeare in the Park
when

                    
I saw it.

Charlie, thirty-four and obese, with fine features and extensive facial tattoos, completely out of his league, suddenly butts in
—

                                  
CHARLIE

                    
(
growing more sure of himself as he speaks
)

                    
Yeah, me too…I saw that play, too. Yeah.

                    
I loved it. I love Shakespeare, all of him,

                    
but this one…yes, is his best.

                                  
LUIS

                    
Yeah, man, it had everything.

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Like what, then? What happens in it?

                                  
LUIS

                    
Well, this kid slept with his mother, the

                    
queen…

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
That's
Hamlet
…

                                  
RAFALIO

                    
Oh, yeah, and then this Dad-King killed

                    
his sons…

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Richard the Third
…

                                  
CHARLIE

                    
…then at the end, the sprite from the

                    
Garden told them all the moral!

                                  
PLACIDIO

                    
Well, that's
Midsummer Night's Dream
,

                    
man! You got it wrong—

                                  
LUIS

                    
No, YOU got it wrong—it's