A Love Letter to Whiskey (20 page)

“Oh! Never have I ever gotten a tattoo,” she said excitedly, scanning the fire. When none of us drank, she pouted. “Damn, we need a little excitement in our lives.”

I laughed, but then snapped my fingers together. “You know what? We should get tats before you leave.”

“Seriously?” she squeaked.

“Hell yeah! Why not? We’ll go tomorrow.”

“Oh my God! I’m in!” Jenna bounced as Shayla slid into the open spot next to Ethan, handing him a new beer and taking a drink of her own.

“What’s up?”

“We’re playing Never Have I Ever. Wanna play?” I asked.

“Sure!”

I waved my hand, tilting my cup to my lips. “Floor’s all yours.”

“Hmm…. Never have I ever had sex on the beach.”

I choked, beer filling my nose as Ethan rubbed my back. “You alright?”

Nodding, I stood quickly, keeping my eyes off Jamie. I didn’t need to see his cocky smile to know it was sitting on his perfect face. “Fine. I’m going to get a refill.”

Ethan tried to tighten his grip on me but I slunk away from him, storming toward the keg. Jenna followed.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m fine!” I yelled. Jenna’s brows shot up and I huffed. “Sorry. Everyone’s been asking me that tonight and I’m just annoyed.”

She laughed. “Okay, note to self — you’re fine. Come on, let’s get drinks.”

Jenna led the way to the keg and filled up first, taking her first drink and looking back toward the fire pit as I filled mine.

“So, Jamie.”

“What about him?” I tried for indifferent. I wasn’t sure if I landed there.

“I just… I forgot how
hot
he was. He’s gotten even better with age. Like fine wine.”

Or whiskey.

“Yeah. He’s a stud,” I said flatly.

“I think he might be up for a little
blast from the past
action tonight. Would you be mad? If I maybe left with him?”

I dropped the nozzle on the keg, an ache burning my chest at the thought. Chugging half of what I poured, I started filling again, but didn’t look at her. “Of course not. Have fun.”

“Are you sure?”

I didn’t get to answer because Jamie had shown up, holding his hand out for the nozzle as I finished filling my cup. I thrust it into his hands.

“You girls up for a swim?” he asked, nodding toward the pool not even a hundred feet from the pits.

“It’s freezing,” I deadpanned.

He just shrugged. “So? Live a little.”

“Because that always works out so well,” I murmured, lifting my cup to my lips.

Jenna narrowed her eyes. “Why are you being weird tonight?”

“I’m not being weird,” I gritted through my teeth, my head swimming from the alcohol. I realized the longer I stood that I’d successfully fulfilled my plan to get drunk.

“I don’t know,” Jamie offered, standing up straight with his beer now full. “You are kind of being weird.”

I glared up at him then and he just smirked, taking a sip. I opened my mouth to pop off some sort of smart remark, but decided better, shaking my head instead. “I’m going to find Ethan. You two have fun catching hypothermia.”

Jenna called out to me but I ignored her, deciding at that moment that what Jamie and Jenna did that night didn’t matter.

But no matter how much I repeated that to myself as I finished beer after beer and the night turned to early morning, I couldn’t stop watching them. They were like a car wreck or a drunk guy preaching on the sidewalk. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t tear my eyes away for more than thirty seconds, and the more the night went on, the more they touched, the more they laughed, the more I wanted to vomit.

Even worse, Jamie’s eyes never found mine again. Not when I danced with Ethan, grinding my ass into his groin, or when I straddled him on the bench, kissing him with fervor. He didn’t glance over when I laughed loud or glare when Ethan’s lips found my neck and collarbone. It was like I didn’t exist, and the more I drank, the more that bothered me.

Everyone has that one night they can trace back to in their mind, that first night they drank too much and made a complete ass of themselves. Well, this was that night for me, and I was about to find out the hard way that, contrary to popular belief, “liquor before beer” did not always mean “in the clear” — especially when it all started with Jack Daniels.

“I want to go swimming,” I sang into Ethan’s lips as we kissed, the party in high gear around us. Jamie wanted to go in the pool, and I wanted Jamie’s attention. Science.

Ethan laughed. “A little too cold for that, babe. Maybe in a week or two.”

“No, I want to go now,” I argued, pouting.

A freshman sprinted past us, ripping his clothes off and flinging them behind him, screaming something about skinny dipping. I perked up, eyes on him as everyone laughed around us and I turned back to Ethan.

“Come on! Let’s go!” I jumped up, tugging my boots off and following after the naked freshman. Ethan hooked his arm around my elbow.

“B, no, you’re not going skinny dipping.”

I didn’t know why, but his demand didn’t sit right with me, and I scowled. “I can do whatever the hell I want.”

Ethan’s eyes were hard, unbudging. “I’m serious. There’s too many people here, and it’s a campus party. There’s campus police like two streets away and you’re already drinking underage. Don’t be stupid.”

I ripped my arm away from his and saw Jamie and Jenna both stand in my periphery. “What, afraid I’ll damage your perfect reputation before election?” I was sneering, and I knew I was being ugly, but I couldn’t stop it. I was out of control. “It was embarrassing to kiss me earlier, guess it’d
really
be embarrassing if I took my clothes off.” I didn’t know why I wanted to push his buttons, but I stripped my sweater off to prove the point, leaving me in just the tank top I was wearing underneath. A few guys whistled and I tossed a wink in their direction.

“Okay, come on. We’re leaving.” He went to grab my arm again but I dodged it.

“You can go if you want. I’m not ready to leave.”

“That wasn’t a request.”

“And mine wasn’t a suggestion.”

“Damnit, Brecks!” He screamed my name like a curse word. It might as well have been. “You’re not getting in that pool. End of story.”

He was talking to me like a child, scolding me by using my full name. I glared at him, mouth open, wondering how he could do that. He didn’t know about my parents, but I’d told him my real name in confidence, telling him there was a very real reason why I never went by it.

And he’d betrayed that trust.

“B…” Jamie flanked me, holding his hands out like I was dangerous. “Come on. I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

“I can walk myself,” I spat at all of them, snatching my sweater and boots off the ground. Then, I turned on my heels and tore through the crowd that had been staring at us, pushing down the emotions building inside of me and focusing on not stumbling as I pulled my boots back on.

I didn’t even make it through the parking lot before I heard his steps behind me.

“Go away, Jamie,” I threw behind me, still stalking toward the path that led back to my dorm. The university was set up in a circular fashion, with different sidewalk circles connecting the inner and outer parts of campus. We were on the outside, and so was my dorm, just a short ten-minute walk away, and I found solace in that as I brushed past the cars parked in Lot A.

“What? Nothing to say now?”

“I said go away.”

“Oh come on,” he chided, his long legs letting him catch up to me easily. “You’ve been doing your damnedest to get my attention all night. Well, you’ve got it.”

I scoffed. “Contrary to your belief that the world revolves around you, Jamie, you were the last thing on my mind tonight.”

“Bullshit.”

I spun then, stopping us mid-stride, practically seething. “Just leave me alone! Go back to Jenna and give her the
Tour De’ Jamie’s Bedroom.
I’ve heard it’s
quite
the tourist spot on campus.”

Jamie’s lips flattened and he slammed his hand against a random truck. “Damnit, B!” I flinched, waiting for the alarm to sound, but it didn’t. “What the hell do you want from me? You give yourself to me after all this time and then treat me like scum the next fucking day, saying it was a mistake and didn’t matter to you. But then, you act like a goddamn fool when you see me with your best friend.” He stepped into my space and my breath caught in my chest. “You think I slept with Tina? I didn’t. She’s in my class, nothing more. You think that night didn’t matter to me? It did. It’s all I’ve thought about since. You think it doesn’t
kill
me to see Ethan’s hands on you?” He stepped closer, eyes wild. “It does. It fucking
murders
me. You think what happened between us wasn’t real? It was.” His chest was heaving as everything faded out around us and his eyes fell to my lips. “And it still is.”

He broke the space between us, crushing his mouth on mine. His lips sparked the fire and I sucked in a breath through my nose, head spinning, before my hands found the center of his chest and I shoved him back hard. He hit the truck and threw his hands up, eyes an inferno as we both panted.

I watched him, my conscience telling me to walk away while my body screamed for me to never let go. Nothing made sense.
Everything
made sense. The whiskey clouded my head and I stopped trying to fight the fog, launching myself at him and yanking his sweater until his mouth was on me again. He lifted me, spinning us and pinning me against the truck. His lips traveled down my neck to my collarbone, my chest, the swell of my breast. He sucked the skin hard, trying to brand me, but I wasn’t his to mark.

“Stop,” I breathed, and he groaned, taking it as a challenge as his hand slipped under my tank top. I moaned, breathing hard into his mouth as he slid his tongue inside mine. I was dizzy. I wanted to give in. I wanted him.
Badly.

But this was wrong.

“Stop!” I said again, this time pushing him off and dropping my feet back to the ground. “We can’t do this.”

“Why not?” he panted.

“B?”

Jenna’s voice startled us both and I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the truck before turning to face her.

She crossed her arms, eyes bouncing between the two of us. “What the fuck is going on?”

Jamie forced a long exhale through his nose, and I couldn’t even look at him again. I didn’t want to see the pain, the resignation.

“Come on, Jenna. Let’s go.” I reached for her hand and she took it, eyes still wild under bent brows as I tugged her away from Jamie. To his credit, he didn’t follow this time.

When we were out of ear shot, Jenna pulled her hand free and picked up our pace. “You better have some fucking booze in your dorm room because you’ve got a
lot
of explaining to do.”

I glanced back at Jamie, who hadn’t moved. He just stood there watching us leave, and I knew nothing would be the same after I told Jenna. She would make me choose. She would be the voice of reason I was running from.

“All I have is Whiskey,” I whispered, tearing my eyes from Jamie to the path we were walking. I meant that sentence in more ways than one, and I knew before telling Jenna anything that I couldn’t ever lose him.

But that meant I’d have to lose someone else.

THEY SAY TIMING IS EVERYTHING
, and I was beginning to learn that timing was everything but kind to Jamie and me.

I woke up that next afternoon hungover as hell, but finally feeling relieved from the pressure that had been crushing my chest. The sun was shining hot through my dorm window and I kicked the covers off. Jenna grumbled, rolling away from the light as I stared up at my ceiling, going over my plan for the day.

After talking to Jenna until nearly five in the morning, spilling everything, I felt better. I expected her to judge, or hell — to maybe be mad, seeing as how she had dated Jamie in high school — but she didn’t, and she wasn’t. She listened to me sob and break down and she held me through all of it, and then she did what I knew she would.