A Mended Man (The Men of Halfway House Book 4) (43 page)

He'd ripped the bandage off before he had a chance to actually think through things and realize the insanity of this all-or-nothing situation. As the seconds ticked by, the mental debate worsened. Maybe he should have kept quiet and ignored this dreaded step to move things to the next level in the personal relationship department. What next level? He'd pretty much defined a limit.

Hunter had rescued him from that hell, but even he hadn't known the extent of everything Aidan had experienced. Not even the ridiculous number of higher-ups who interviewed him or demanded statements. They knew the facts, the names, the locations, the details. But this…this was personal. Even the doctors he'd been forced to see at the military hospital before he could be discharged had been fooled. Maybe because of the minimal wounds on his body, or maybe they were more focused on his test results and ensuring the numbers fit within the acceptable standard ranges, or maybe it was simply because he told them all to fuck off and let him be. This was his nightmare and he refused to let it spread to another. Luckily, he hadn't required medical intervention for the physical aftermath, just time to heal.
Lucky. Yeah, right
.

Ms. Fix-it knew enough details to recognize something had happened to affect his ability to move into a relationship, but he refused to reveal why. The shame of being violated ate away at him, so he had buried that shit as deep as he could, locking away a part of himself and his desires along with it. If he couldn't handle it, how could he expect anyone to see past what had happened and believe in his strength? In his ability to protect them?

Now, in his greatest lapse of judgement, he had
voluntarily
spilled his darkest secret to the only man he had ever loved and truly wanted with every millimeter of his body and soul.

All or nothing
. A bitter pill to swallow, one he'd forced down every fucking day since it all happened. For the first time in far too long, he'd had a spark of happiness flicker inside him, awakening a part of him he'd thought had died during his captivity. A flame that only seemed to burn with thoughts of Jessie. His stomach twisted with anxiety, waiting to hear what the truth had cost him and if Jessie would want to be with him after knowing everything.

"I want you. With all your soft and hard edges. With all your truths, regardless of how dark they may be."

Aidan sat there, having pushed that statement to the extreme. He couldn't take it one step at a time, no. He didn't do anything half-assed and had to go full force, dumping everything at once in hopes of showing his truths, of being honest. As honest as he could ever possibly be with the one person who meant everything to him.

He rubbed his arms to stave off the sudden chill on his skin. He didn't deserve Jessie, his love, his patience, his understanding. What the hell had he been thinking? He couldn't even protect him from the one monster who haunted him. Bile rose in his throat as a searing pain pierced his chest with the slow rip he sensed begin to tear through the tether that bound them.

Oh God. What have I done?

In his periphery, he could see Jessie taking a deep breath and turning to face him. "Are you finished?"

He nodded, unable to turn toward Jessie and risk catching any flicker of rejection in his eyes. He lowered his head and waited for karma to steal the one glimmer of light and hope he cherished more than life itself.

Warm fingers wrapped around the back of his neck and a gentle kiss pressed against his temple. "I love you," Jessie whispered in Aidan's ear, pulling him into an embrace, and wrapping his other arm around his shoulders. "Every second of every day, with every breath and heartbeat."

Aidan had heard those same words
before
. But at that moment, the weight of them repeated
after
everything he'd just said slammed a sledgehammer to his iron wall, demolishing his guard and lifting the heavy weight that had held him down for so many years. He had shown his true self and Jessie stood solidly at his side, rewarding him with support and unconditional love.

"I love you." Jessie tightened his arms around him. "So much."

An uncontrollable sob rose and tears streamed down his face, rendering him defenseless against the inundating wave of emotions. He reached around Jessie and fisted the material of his shirt, tugging him closer, effortlessly pulling Jessie onto his lap to sit astride him. He huddled in, burying his face in Jessie's chest. His breath hitched and another wave of emotions came crashing in when fingers gently combed through his hair and soft tender lips brushed against his temple in between comforting whispers of support and affection.

Sometime later, he took a few deep breaths, trying to cool his heated face and settle the throbbing in his head. He composed himself the best he could and finally released the death grip he had on Jessie enough to inch back from the embrace. He brushed away the wetness on his cheeks and sniffled, hiding his face. He didn't want pity, sorrow, or sympathy. He couldn't change what had happened and didn't want to dwell on it and risk retreating to that dark place again. He just needed to find a way to move on, move forward…
with
Jessie.

Aidan hesitantly glanced up, scowling at the hint of a grin playing in Jessie's expression.

Definitely
not
the reaction he expected.

Jessie ran his fingertips along Aidan's stubble. "So this is what it looks like when the dam breaks."

Aidan scoffed at the remark but breathed a sigh of relief, incredibly grateful Jessie's eyes held the same affectionate expression they always did rather than the pity he had anticipated. "Sorry," he said, sniffling again, scowling at his own weakness.

"Don't be. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

Aidan shook his head.

"Did you think I'd walk away from you?"

He exhaled heavily, trying to formulate his thoughts in the middle of the uncontrollable hurricane of emotions swirling within him. "I knew you'd stay." He looked down at his shaking hands resting on Jessie's waist. "I just didn't want you to stay for all the wrong reasons."

Jessie cupped his face, drawing his focus, forcing eye contact. "To be with you and know you…the
real
you…will always be the right reason for me to stay. We'll figure out what works and what doesn't and we'll adjust."

You. I just need you.
Aidan's throat tightened. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, nodding at Jessie's comment.

"Can I ask you something?"

He nodded again, gripping the waistband of Jessie's jeans, hoping to still the shake in his hands.

"What we've done so far, does any of that make you uncomfortable?"

"No."

"So me sitting on you like this—"

"I kinda grabbed you and put you here." He swallowed heavily. "Are you really okay with this?"

"I won't lie to you." Jessie firmly gripped his chin to raise his face. "I'd love to be with you and spend all night making love to you and showing you that it's different from what happened. But if you're only okay with what we do, then that works for me." Jessie ran his fingers through Aidan's hair in that way that always seemed to settle his inner chaos.

He kept his head down, staring at his still shaking hands. "I love everything we do. I can kiss and touch you all day long. And I love it when…you touch me."

"You're earning mega points today, Detective Calloway."

His heart pounded heavily, unsure of how to deal with the light-heartedness of the comment or the ease of acceptance. Things didn't go smoothly. Things never played out in his favor without exhaustively muscling his way through every stage in the process. "I…want to, but I'm sorry I can't get past what happened back then."

"Never apologize for that," Jessie said.

He closed his eyes, his lips parting with each strained breath. For some reason, a sudden weightlessness unsettled him as if he needed his armor to keep his feet firmly planted on the ground. He couldn't steady the shake in his hands or his rapid heartbeat pounding a pained staccato in his chest.

Jessie stroked Aidan's cheek. "What is it?" he prompted after a few silent moments.

Aidan clenched his hands into fists. "I can't fucking stop shaking. I…I feel like I'm falling apart."

"Then I'll hold you together." Jessie wrapped his arms around Aidan and pulled him close.

Aidan eased into the embrace, screwing his eyes shut, hoping to stave off another wave of emotions flicking along the fringes of his sanity. There, held snugly in Jessie's arms, he gasped a breath as the realization came barreling in to his mind. The smaller man with the leaner frame holding him had a strength that far exceeded his own. And without question or hesitation,
his
Jess would walk through a blazing fire to stand at his side.

* * * *

Jessie stood in the kitchen with Aidan, eating a mix of different fruits, taking a break and refueling for the next round of watching-but-not-really-watching a movie. After Aidan's reveal Friday night, it seemed Aidan couldn't stand being more than a few steps away from Jessie, regardless of what they did. A tentative touch. A lingering caress. And Jessie had lost count of the number of thank-yous whispered in his ear during their weekend, huddling close on the couch, doing nothing but spending quiet time together.

Here they were, midway into the next work week, and the need for closeness and the desire to cement the tether between them still lingered.

"You should eat a banana," he said as Aidan prepared a bowl of grapes.

Aidan raised an eyebrow. "I think you just want the phallic visual."

"Mmm." Jessie chuckled. "Marathon make-out sessions burn a lot of calories. It'll help."

Aidan tugged Jessie closer and grabbed a grape, feeding it to him. "I still think you want the phallic visual."

"I do like to watch you blow me."

Aidan coughed to clear his throat. "I swear, no one would ever guess how…forward you are in private," he absently said, mainly to himself.

"I'm comfortable around you."

"I see that," Aidan said with a grin. "I'm surprised you're not trying to steal my grapes. They look like tiny globes and they're round and juicy."

Jessie bit his lip, trying—and failing miserably—to disguise a chuckle. He stepped forward and kissed the column of Aidan's neck. He reached down and brushed his hand along the outside of the soft denim, finally cupping Aidan's balls. "I like these better." He stepped back and watched the unmistakable desire flooding Aidan's features—his eyes, his flushed complexion, his parted lips. He took another step back, needing to cool the heat between them. "I've got a question for you."

"Shoot," Aidan said, clearing his throat and popping a grape into his own mouth.

"Do you ever think you'll change your mind? That you'll ever want to—"

"Fuck?" Aidan finished the sentence for him then looked away, grabbing another grape. The desire evaporated from Aidan's features in an instant.

Jessie reached up and ran his fingers along Aidan's stubble. "It's not the same. You know that, right?"

Aidan met his stare.

He could swear Aidan's internal iron wall slowly began rising between them. "This is the part where we talk," he said, hoping to ease the sudden tension between them.

"And is this the part where you tell me fucking and making love isn't the same?" Aidan said.

Jessie treaded carefully, knowing the delicate subject could easily explode. He needed to walk that tightrope between the seriousness Aidan avoided and the banter that always drew him in. "You can call it whatever you want—sex, fuck, lovemaking, whoopee, the nasty. I don't care. I know where your heart is, so that's all that matters to me."

A playfulness reflected in Aidan's eyes. "Uh, whoopee? You don't actually call it that, do you?"

Jessie reached up, wrapping his arms around Aidan's neck. "You can call it whatever makes you comfortable. I like the thought of you making love to me all night and I'm certainly fine with a hard fuck right here in the kitchen. I don't care as long as I have you."

Aidan closed his eyes, his lips parting with each gasp of breath. "You've got a really dirty mouth."

He pulled Aidan's head down and licked the shell of his ear, reveling in the return of the desire flickering in Aidan's expression. "You have no idea."

Aidan reached behind Jessie and cupped his ass, pulling him flush against his body. He latched onto Jessie's lips, devouring his mouth as if making up for a lifetime of neglected kisses. Their tongues tangled and their grips tightened, neither wanting to pull away. They pulled away from the kiss, but remained barely a breath away, the undeniable need vibrating between them like a tangible entity.

"Aidan," he said, swallowing down the need buzzing through his entire body. "We're talking about this. Distractions won't work."

The grip on his ass cheek eased. He stroked the back of Aidan's hair, watching a million different emotions flash across his features.

Aidan closed his eyes and rested his head against Jessie. "I thought… Isn't this enough?"

"Yes, it is, if that's what you really want. But you're fighting with yourself when we're together and
I
don't want that. I will respect your limitations, but I want you to be happy. I don't want you angry or struggling with yourself whenever we're together."

"It doesn't matter what I want. I'm not doing that to you."

"It
does
matter. And you're right. You're not going to do the same. Because what they did to you was savage. It was meant to hurt you, to torture you."

Aidan quieted Jessie with a slow, quick kiss. "I don't ever want to hear you say what they did to me. Those words, coming from your mouth"—he shook his head—"it's just all kinds of wrong." He popped another grape into his mouth then retreated, leaning back against the counter and crossing his arms.

Jessie didn't want to push, but it didn't seem as if Aidan had shot down the conversation either even though his body language sent a clear
back-off
signal. Sometimes, he really did wish he owned the Calloway encyclopedia of emotions. "So…you
don't
want to talk about it?"