A Mother's Shame (35 page)

Esperanza rode over to the homestead later that day to enquire how the concert had gone. She had expected Maria to be bubbling over with excitement about it and so was somewhat bewildered to find both young women in a sober mood. Josh had ridden out with his uncle to do a head-count of the sheep in the top pasture and was not expected back until much later in the day.

‘You ’ad a good evening, yes?’ she enquired as she crossed to glance at Faith who was lying cooing in her crib.

‘Oh yes, it was wonderful.’ Maria paused in the act of folding a pile of baby clothes. ‘But I still think you should have your dress and things back now. I really appreciated you loaning them to me, but when will I ever get the chance to wear them again?’

‘When should a woman need an excuse to wear beautiful things?’ Esperanza responded, then, ‘No, you must keep them. I am sure that Josh will have many more such outings in mind for you and maybe in time you will be able to bring yourself to wear some of the gowns that Isabelle left for you.’

When Maria flushed, Esperanza knew she had been right in her assumption that those two did have feelings for each other. But why were they not doing something about it? The same went for Kitty and Robbie. The big Scot had been walking about like a bear with a sore head for days, and Kitty didn’t look much happier. Esperanza had a good mind to take her riding crop to the lot of them, to make them come to their senses! She bided her time until Kitty carried the next load of wet washing out to the line before saying cautiously, ‘Would I be right in thinking that you care for Josh, Maria?’

Maria was shocked at the question and it showed on her face although she supposed she should be used to Esperanza’s forthright ways by now.

‘Yes I do – but it won’t do me much good, will it?’

Esperanza raised a finely plucked eyebrow and Maria limped on, ‘We are from different worlds. He is gentry and I am merely a servant.’

‘Pah!’ Esperanza waved her hand in the air. ‘So what difference does that make? You are a woman and he is a man, no? The same could have been said for me and Frederick. In fact it was, which was why we chose to live here, away from the usual conventions. When two people love each other, they should be together – and we have done all right, no?’

‘Yes, but it’s different for you.’

‘Oh? And why eez that then?’

Maria struggled to come up with an answer as Esperanza looked on with her eyes flashing. ‘If Josh’s father objected to your marriage you could come and live here,’ she pointed out. ‘I know that Freddie would welcome Josh with open arms. He is a hardworking boy and you have enjoyed the time you have been here, no?’

‘Well, yes – yes, I have,’ Maria admitted falteringly.

‘Then bear that in mind,’ Esperanza said as she lifted Faith from her crib. ‘Some things are meant to be and life is too short for regrets.’

Maria nodded thoughtfully as she went about her chores.

It was towards the end of September 1857 when Faith thankfully seemed to turn a corner. Her tiny body suddenly began to gain weight and fill out, and she delighted them all when she began to smile at them.

Binda still came regularly to check on her and it was during one of these visits that she told them, ‘I think the little one is strong enough to travel now, should you wish to take her back to England.’

Josh looked up from reading the
Mercury
newspaper.

‘In that case perhaps I should write to my father and tell him that we intend to return. I could go into Hobart tomorrow and book the tickets for next month so that they will expect us.’

Kitty’s hands became still in the sink full of warm water. Things had not improved between Robbie and herself, but once she set foot on the ship back to England, he would be lost to her forever. Her future suddenly stretched out before her, empty and lonely, and she knew that somehow she must make one last attempt to put things right between them.

Maria also felt a little trepidation at the thought of returning home – for what would she be going back to? There would certainly be no welcome from her father, and what would become of little Faith if her grandparents chose to disown her? And yet she knew deep down that returning was inevitable, and so she supposed that the sooner it was over with the better.

Josh wrote to his parents that very afternoon, intending to mail the letter the next day when he rode into Hobart to book their tickets.

It was after supper that evening that Kitty took her apron off and informed them, ‘I’m going over to see Robbie.’

‘Oh.’ Maria glanced up from the tiny nightgown that she was embroidering for Faith in the light of the oil lamp. She and Josh exchanged a look as Kitty headed for the door without so much as another word.

‘Let’s hope they sort out their differences before it’s too late,’ Josh remarked and Maria nodded in agreement before turning her attention back to her sewing.

Kitty meanwhile was striding purposefully towards Robbie’s cabin, but when she saw the light spilling from his window, her courage failed her and she faltered. But then, setting her shoulders, she ploughed on. The way she saw it, there was nothing to lose but everything to gain.

She threw the door back with such force that it banged into the inner wall, and Robbie was so startled that he leaped up from his chair and almost overturned it.

This was Kitty as he had never seen her before. Normally she was placid and easy to please, but the young woman in front of him now was standing with her hands on her hips, her eyes blazing.

‘I reckon it’s time you an’ me had a little talk,’ she spat.

‘Very well,’ Robbie said, righting the chair. ‘What about?’

‘What about?’
Her eyes rolled towards the ceiling. ‘About the fact that Josh is goin’ into Hobart tomorrow to book us our tickets home, that’s what about!’

‘Oh,’ he said.

‘Oh!
Is that all yer have to say on the matter?’ she snarled. ‘Don’t it bother yer that once I’m gone we’ll never see each other again? Didn’t that night we spent together mean anythin’ to you?’

‘Of course it did,’ he responded hotly.

‘Then why have yer been avoidin’ me?’ The anger was fading now and seeing the deep hurt in her eyes he felt bitterly ashamed.

‘Because what I did to you was wrong,’ he muttered. ‘I let my feelings get the better of me.’

‘Ah, so you
do
have feelin’s fer me then?’ she said triumphantly.

He nodded miserably. ‘Aye, lass, I do. But the thing is, I can never make an honest woman of you, so I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you as I did.’

‘The way I remember it, what we did was done by mutual consent,’ Kitty said, then her voice softened as she asked, ‘Can’t yer
please
tell me what’s wrong, Robbie? Yer owe me that much at least, an’ once I’m gone it’ll be too late.’

He seemed to be struggling with himself for some moments but then he nodded again. ‘Aye, you’re right. You do deserve to know the truth, then perhaps you’ll understand.’

Crossing to him, she laid her hand gently on his shoulder as he began. ‘The thing is . . . I can never marry you ’cos – ’cos I’m already married.’

It was as Kitty had feared, but she let him go on.

‘I met my wife some years ago in Queensland, in a bar. She was a singer there and a right bonnie lass. She had the men falling at her feet, so I suppose I was flattered that she bothered wi’ me. Within months we were married. That was when the problems started. Lilly was not prepared to stay at home. She liked the glamour and the excitement of singing in the bars, and for a wee while I put up with it. But then I started to hear whispers that she was going with other men behind my back, so I put my foot down and told her that I thought it was time she stayed at home and started a family. That was all I ever really wanted in life, you see, since I didn’t have much of a childhood myself.’

Kitty’s heart went out to him but she remained silent so he went on, ‘All seemed well for a while, then one night I got home from work to find she’d gone. Took all her stuff an’ left without so much as a by your leave. Huh! I rushed round to the bar where she had worked, only fer the landlord’s wife to tell me Lilly’d run off with her husband. They’d taken every penny they could lay their hands on, and that was the last I ever saw of her. So you see, I could never do right by you, Kitty, not while I’m legally married to someone else. And that’s the long and the short of it.’

‘But if you
were
free . . . would yer marry me then?’ Kitty asked tentatively. So much rested on the answer he might give.

‘Had anyone asked me that question before I met you, my answer would have been no,’ Robbie replied truthfully. ‘Lilly tore the heart out of me when she ran away and I swore that I’d never get close enough to anyone to let them hurt me ever again. And then you came along and stole my heart. So the answer to that question is, yes, I’d gladly marry you tomorrow if I were free, Kitty.’

‘Then that’s good enough fer me,’ Kitty told him tenderly. ‘Fer I don’t need no ring on me finger, Robbie. All I need is you. If you’ll have me, that is.’

‘Aw, lass.’ He rose and drew her into his arms and she had a sense of coming home. ‘But I’ve nothing much to offer you, just this place. I’m never going to be rich and you could do so much better for yourself.’

She shook her head. ‘No, I couldn’t. An’ the thing is, what yer said about wantin’ a family . . . well, this little ’un I’m carryin’ is goin’ to need a dad.’

She felt his whole body tense and then he held her at arm’s length and stared at her incredulously.

‘What? You mean you . . .’

She grinned. ‘O’ course I can’t be certain yet,’ she admitted. ‘But I’ve already missed a course.’ She blushed, speaking of such personal things but they needed to be said. ‘An’ I’ve been feelin’ sick of a mornin’ so I’m fairly certain.’

His eyes seemed to light up from inside as he asked, ‘But wouldn’t the shame of not being married get you down, lassie?’

She sniffed. ‘Why should it? Esperanza and Freddie ain’t married, are they? An’ I don’t see no one pointin’ their fingers at them. As far as I’m concerned, we
would
be married – all but fer a piece o’ paper. An’ as fer this place . . .’ She let her eyes wander about the small room. ‘All those years I spent locked away in Hatter’s Hall, I always dreamed o’ havin’ a home of me own, an’ I can’t imagine anywhere better than this.’ But then there was no more time for talk, for as Robbie crushed her close against him she sighed with contentment.

When Maria entered the kitchen early the next morning with Faith in her arms she looked around in surprise at the empty room. Kitty was usually up and about and preparing the breakfast by now, but today there was no sign of her, which was strange to say the least. Laying Faith in her crib she then prodded the fire back to life and threw some logs onto it before pushing the sooty kettle into the heart of it. Perhaps Kitty was having a lie-in? Judging by how peaky she had looked for the last couple of weeks Maria thought that it might do her good so she decided not to disturb her.

She was preparing the teapot when Josh joined her, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. He now slept in the room that had been Isabelle’s, and much as Maria had done he glanced about the room before commenting, ‘No Kitty this morning?’

Maria shook her head as she prepared some milk for Faith. ‘No. She’s probably overslept so I thought I’d leave her for a little longer. She’s been looking a bit tired and run down lately, don’t you think?’

‘Yes I do, but I reckon that’s more to do with her and Robbie’s estrangement than a health problem,’ he replied, then seeing that she was trying to do two jobs at once he said, ‘You see to the tea and the breakfast and I’ll feed Faith, shall I?’ Even as he spoke he lifted the infant from the crib and kissed her round cheek soundly. Maria smiled. It never failed to move her when she saw him with the baby. He was so gentle and tender with her, and she had no doubt that one day he would make a wonderful father. She fetched some bacon from the marble shelf in the larder and was just about to start frying it when the door opened and Robbie and Kitty appeared with broad smiles on their faces.

‘Oh!’ Maria said, putting the bacon down. ‘I thought you were still in bed, Kitty. You must have been up bright and early.’ Then as she saw the look that passed between the two, comprehension dawned and she felt herself blush.

‘I’m glad I’ve caught yer, Master Josh,’ Kitty said, ignoring the shocked look on Maria’s face. ‘’Cos the thing is . . . well, I won’t be comin’ back to England with yer. I’m stayin’ here wi’ Robbie so I won’t be needin’ yer to book me a passage home.’

‘But that’s wonderful news!’ Maria exclaimed as she rushed over to hug them both. ‘When will you be getting married? Oh, I just knew that you two were meant for each other and—’

‘Whoa!’ Kitty held her hand up and stopped Maria mid-flow before telling her with no trace of shame: ‘The fact is, Robbie an’ I won’t be getting married ’cos we’re not able to, but we’ll be just as good as.’

‘You . . . you mean you are going to live together?’ Maria breathed.

Kitty nodded. ‘That’s about the long an’ the short of it. But now Robbie, tell ’em what you told me an’ then happen they’ll understand.’

And so Robbie did just that, stuttering and stammering over his words. When he was done there was a stunned silence until Kitty asked, ‘Now do yer understand? Me an’ Robbie love each other, so why shouldn’t we be together? He shouldn’t have to spend the rest of his life alone because of one mistake he made, an’ I know we can be happy. An’ let’s face it, what have I got to go back to?’

Josh suddenly sprang forward and grasping Robbie’s hand he began to pump it up and down, saying, ‘Congratulations! I wish you all the best. Between you and me, I’ve thought you two were made for each other since the first time I saw you together.’

And now Maria hugged Kitty with tears in her eyes. ‘I’m really thrilled for you, Kitty,’ she told her, ‘but I shall miss you so much.’

‘I shall miss you too, but yer can always come out an’ see us. I shall be right here – now and forever.’ She and Robbie exchanged a loving glance, and in that moment Maria knew that Kitty had made the right decision. It seemed that there was to be a happy ending after all . . . for one of them at least.