A Mother's Shame (33 page)

Seeing her hesitation he said quietly, ‘You are thinking it is too soon after losing Isabelle, aren’t you?’ When she nodded his head drooped and he said, ‘I miss her too, you know, but I think this is what she would have wanted. You came to mean a great deal to her, Maria, and she would not want you to be sad.’

‘Thank you for asking. It sounds wonderful but I’m afraid my wardrobe is rather restricted and I wouldn’t have anything suitable to wear,’ she said shyly.

‘Ah, I have already thought of that.’ He grinned impishly. ‘I happened to mention to Esperanza that I thought a treat would do you good and she has already said that she would be more than happy to lend you an outfit. I should think you are about the same size so it shouldn’t be a problem. But I also need to tell you that before she died, Isabelle told me that, should anything happen to her, she wished you to have all her clothes and to pass any on to Kitty you did not want. I realise you might not want to wear them yet, and Esperanza will be only too happy to loan you something of hers.’

‘Oh.’ Maria was lost for words and although her first instinct was to refuse she was sorely tempted to accept the offer.

Still sensing her hesitation, Josh said quickly, ‘Please say that you’ll accept. I’d really like to go, and you would be doing me a favour if you accept because I won’t go alone.’

‘In that case, if you’re quite sure, how can I refuse?’ she responded with a smile. What could be the harm in it? she reasoned. They were only going as friends. And then a little bubble of excitement began to form in her stomach.

*

Over in Robbie’s cabin, Kitty stood back to admire the curtains she had just hung at the window. Then, glancing about the room, she smiled with satisfaction. Over the last weeks she had transformed the bare wooden rooms into a home of which anyone could be proud. At least, she knew that
she
would. Copper pans that she had polished until she could see her face in them now hung along the front of the inglenook fireplace, and the shelves that she had persuaded Robbie to put up in the kitchen area now held an assortment of pots. Gay rugs, purchased from Hobart, lay scattered about the floor and everything looked clean and fresh.

A similar transformation had taken place in his bedroom and now the sturdy brass bed was covered with a cheerful patchwork quilt, beneath which were crisp white sheets and pillows filled with duck feathers. She had persuaded him to buy a second-hand wash-stand on one of their shopping trips and it now housed a china jug and bowl that took pride of place at the side of his bed. Straightening a crease in the quilt, she then quietly shut the door and once again stood surveying her handiwork. In another auction they had found two mismatched easy chairs which had been positioned at either side of the fireplace. Kitty had dusted and polished them to within an inch of their lives, and she could just imagine herself and Robbie sitting in them on a cold winter night with a log fire roaring up the chimney as she did her darning and he read his newspaper. The wind and rain might be lashing at the windows but inside they would be warm and snug, and he would look over at her and smile.

Shaking her head to clear it of the dream, she extinguished the oil lamp and sadly made her way back to the other cabin. Dreams didn’t come true for girls like her. She had learned that a long, long time ago.

Robbie arrived back shortly before the evening meal the following day and the instant she heard his horse, Kitty dashed out to meet him.

‘Did yer manage to hand Lennie over to the authorities?’ she asked anxiously.

Robbie leaped lightly down from his saddle and fondled the horse’s ears. ‘I did that, lass, and I don’t mind betting he’ll not be coming back this way again,’ he said. ‘The master had him locked in jail along with the rats, and I doubt he’ll see daylight again till the next ship sets sail from Melbourne. Serves him right, that’s what I say. He’s no better than a rat himself.’

He began to lead the horse towards his stabling in the barn, smiling with amusement as Kitty happily skipped along at the side of him. She could always make him smile and he wished— He stopped his thoughts from going any further. There could never be any future for him and Kitty – but if only things could have been different.

Inside the homestead, Maria was again feeding the baby as Faith’s loving uncle watched. Maria was marvellous with her, Josh thought, and one day he knew that she would make a wonderful mother. And a wonderful wife, if it came to that. His thoughts suddenly conjured up an image of Felicity Pettifer and he shuddered involuntarily. Thankfully this trip had put paid to any notion his parents had had about them becoming betrothed – for a time, at least – but he knew they would start nagging him about it when he returned home. Felicity was as pretty as a picture and nice enough in her own way, but having known her all his life he found it hard to consider her as anything other than a friend. Furthermore, after witnessing Maria’s courage in facing up to everything that had occurred during the last few months since their departure from England, he could not help but compare the two. Maria had endured every trial with dignity and compassion, but somehow he could not imagine Felicity being able to do the same. Much like Isabelle, she had been waited on hand and foot and been pampered and spoiled since the day she had drawn breath.

Sighing heavily, the young man left the room to go and have a word with Robbie. There was no point in making comparisons. His father would never countenance him marrying anyone like Maria, as Joshua had learned to his cost after his brief affair with Edith.

That evening, when they had finished supper, Kitty informed them, ‘I’m goin’ to take this leftover meat to Robbie fer his supper. It’s a shame to let it go to waste an’ he’s got an appetite on him like Rob Roy’s horse. I’ve no doubt he’ll polish this little lot off in seconds.’

Maria chuckled as Kitty draped a clean linen cloth over the dish and went out into the soft evening air. The girl had gone some way, focusing on the light spilling from the window of Robbie’s cabin when suddenly a dark shape slithered across the path in front of her and she screamed and dropped the dish she was carrying.

Almost instantly Robbie’s door was flung open and he covered the distance between them in a remarkably short time for a man of his size.

Kitty was speechless with fear as she pointed a wavering finger towards the ground. When Robbie glimpsed the snake sliding away he laughed and clasped her to him. ‘My dearest wee girl, you’ve no need to fear,’ he soothed as he recognised the greenish-grey colouring in the light of the moon. ‘’Tis only a White Lipped, and they’ve never been known to kill anyone with their bite. He’s more scared of you than you are of him, hinny.’

But still Kitty continued to shake, so swinging her into his arms as if she weighed no more than a feather he strode towards the cabin as Kitty buried her head in his chest. Once inside he kicked the door shut behind him, concerned to see that Kitty was as pale as a ghost. She clung to him when he would have placed her down and he revelled in the feel of her small body so close to his.

‘I-I was bringin’ yer s-some supper,’ she said, her teeth chattering. ‘B-but I dropped it.’

‘Well, it’s no the end o’ the world, lass. I’ll not starve for missing out on a bit of tucker. But come on now, calm down. You’ll make yourself ill at this rate.’

Very slowly her sobs subsided to dull hiccuping whimpers and he set her gently down on the floor, saying, ‘I’ll make us a brew, shall I? Then I’ll see you back across.’

They were still standing very close together . . . and then somehow her arms were around his neck, and drawing his head down to hers, she kissed him tenderly on the lips. Just for a second his own were unyielding, but then he suddenly grasped her tightly and kissed her back with an urgency that left her breathless. She could smell the raw male scent of him, taste his tongue and she felt as if she were drowning in a deep pool of pleasure. She knew more than ever in that moment that this was where she was meant to be, and as his hands worked their way down her back to her buttocks she gave herself up to him wholeheartedly. His kisses grew more passionate, and when he suddenly released her and took her hand and led her towards the bedroom, she went without resistance. Once inside, he gently laid her on the bed and his great hands fumbled clumsily with the buttons on her coarse cotton blouse. She quietly finished undoing them herself, her eyes fixed on his as he shed his clothes. She had not seen a naked man before, but she was not afraid; in fact, she thought she had never seen anyone look quite so magnificent.

In no time at all they were both naked, and when he joined her and began to fondle and tease her small breasts and nipples with his tongue she sighed with pleasure and arched her back towards him. Eventually he shifted his weight onto her and when he entered her she gave one small moan of pain before giving herself up to pure ecstasy. When it was over she lay contented in his arms as their hearts steadied to a more normal rhythm and she told him softly, ‘I love you, Robbie.’

It was then that he tensed, and rising quickly from the bed he began to pull his clothes on as he stared at her in horror, noting the trace of blood on the patchwork quilt.

‘You shouldn’t be saying that,’ he murmured as he buttoned up his shirt. ‘And I’m heart sorry for taking advantage of you like that. It shouldn’t have happened.’

‘But . . . I wanted it to happen!’ Confused, she drew herself up onto one elbow as she stared at him. What they had just shared had been the most beautiful experience of her whole life, and she could not understand the sudden change in him. Only moments before he had been tender and loving, but now he was acting as if they were strangers.

‘Come on,’ he said hoarsely. ‘Get yourself dressed an’ I’ll see you across to the homestead. And Kitty – it might be best if you don’t come here again.’

‘But why? I love yer, Robbie, an’ I ain’t ashamed o’ what we just did,’ she said, hoarse with shock.

‘There can never be anything between us,’ he told her in a voice that brooked no argument. ‘Now do as you are told, please.’ And with that he strode from the room as she somehow got off the bed and began to drag her clothes back on. She felt as if the bottom had dropped out of her world but nevertheless she did as she was told. When she joined him, he was standing at the open front door puffing on his pipe, and as she walked towards him he stepped out into the night air: she had no choice but to follow him. Once within sight of the homestead he nodded towards her curtly then turned and went back the way he had come without so much as another word.

When she entered the house, Maria immediately noted the girl’s red eyes and was alarmed. ‘Why, Kitty,’ she asked, ‘whatever is the matter?’

Unable to speak, Kitty bunched her long drab skirts into her fists and fled to the sanctuary of her room as Josh and Maria looked on in confusion.

‘I wonder if she and Robbie have had a misunderstanding?’ Josh commented, but Maria shook her head, saying, ‘Surely not. Kitty hangs on his every word.’

Even so, it was more than evident that something was amiss. Kitty was usually such a cheerful little soul but if she wasn’t prepared to tell her what was wrong, there wasn’t much that Maria could do to help her. Shrugging, she returned her attention to Faith who was beginning to stir. It was time for her feed again, and soon Kitty’s upset was pushed to the back of her mind for now as she saw to the child’s needs.

It was early the following afternoon when Josh suggested, ‘How about we visit the ranch and Esperanza can find you an outfit for Saturday night?’

Maria paused. She had been on the way to take a bundle of Faith’s clean clothes to her room, but now she dithered. It was weeks since she had ventured out, and although the suggestion was appealing she was concerned about leaving Faith.

‘I can look after the little ’un while yer gone, Maria,’ Kitty informed her. She was at the deep stone sink with her hands immersed in water as she scrubbed the dinner pots, but still Maria havered. Kitty hadn’t been herself all morning and had said barely a word.

‘I’m more than capable,’ Kitty said haughtily, sensing Maria’s indecision.

‘Very well then – if you’re quite sure,’ Maria agreed, then to Josh, ‘But I don’t want to be gone for too long. I think Faith has a slight temperature.’

He crossed to the crib and gazed down on his niece. ‘Then may I suggest you remove a few layers of clothes or blankets. I’m amazed the child can breathe with all that lot on.’

‘I’m afraid of her catching a chill,’ Maria responded defensively and then as she too peeped at Faith she admitted, ‘I suppose I have rather overdone the wrappings,’ and leaned over to remove the top two blankets.

‘There you are! I’m sure I just saw her sigh with relief,’ he teased and as she returned his smile their eyes met until Maria hastily looked away, saying, ‘I’ll just go and tidy myself up then.’

‘Yes, of course – and I’ll go and saddle the horses.’

Josh was back in no time astride his stallion and holding the reins of the gentle old mare that Maria favoured. She was still far from being a competent horsewoman and doubted now whether she ever would be.

Josh helped her into the saddle and they rode along in silence until eventually the ranch came into view. One of the house boys hurried out to take the horses around to the stable-block when they arrived and Josh led Maria into the ranch, where they found Esperanza sorting through a pile of gowns she had carelessly flung across the chaise longue.

‘Ah, here you are,’ she greeted them, then, ‘I have already started to choose gowns that I think might suit you. What about this one? You like it, no?’ She held up a beautiful evening gown in pale green but Maria eyed it doubtfully. It looked very low-cut. Esperanza discarded it and took up another in a cornflower-blue colour.

‘Ah,’ she sighed, ‘this one may be even better for you, it will bring out the colour of your eyes, no?’

‘Perhaps something a little plainer?’ Maria said tentatively. ‘It looks very daring.’

‘Rubbish!’ Esperanza laughed. ‘It eez good to be daring. You have the figure for it. Come – let us go and try it on.’