A Really Awesome Mess (27 page)

Max said those thoughts were always going to be with me, that I was going to have ups and downs in my life like anybody
else, and to remember the ups. There would always be more ups.

I didn’t see any in the near future, though.

But then there was a knock at my door. “Um. Yeah?”

“There’s a package for you,” a voice said, and I recognized it as the voice of Tiny, the colossal guy they always brought in to tackle people.

“Tiny, are you here to restrain me? Is this some kind of gag you use to get into kids’ rooms when you have to haul them away?”

“These doors don’t lock, genius. Now hurry up. This thing is freakin’ heavy.”

I opened the door, and, sure enough, there was Tiny holding a huge cardboard box. “We had to open it. Standard procedure.”

“I figured,” I said. “Um. Can you just set it on the floor?”

“You got it,” he said, and placed the box on the floor.

“Sorry I can’t tip you, but, you know, they don’t let me have money,” I said, smiling.

Tiny glared at me and said, deadpan, “The knowledge that I brought a little joy to your day is all the tip I need.”

And with that, Tiny was gone, and I was alone with the package. The return address said
Diana, etc. but mostly Diana
.

I opened it up, and inside I saw seven hardcover books. The complete Harry Potter series. I pulled one out.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Ass
, the carefully altered cover said. And then I realized they’d all been tampered with.
Harry Potter and the
Chamber of Ass. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Asskaban. Harry Potter and the Ass of Fire. Harry Potter and the Ass of the Phoenix. Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Prince. Harry Potter and the Deathly Ass
.

I wasn’t that interested in reading the adventures of a boy wizard, but it was really nice that they’d spent so much cash to bring me something nice and took the time to alter every cover to fit in the ass joke.

I pulled them out and lined them up on my desk. And I actually found myself smiling.

The next day Josh said, “So is this cardboard box a permanent feature of the room now, or what?”

“Right. Sorry. I got it,” I said. Of course we weren’t allowed to have anything that might be sharp enough to cut through packing tape, so it took me quite a while to break the box down. When I finally got the bottom apart, a piece of paper fluttered to the floor.

I hope these will make the rest of your time more bearable. Remember my favorite? I think it’ll really speak to you.

—Diana

I put the broken-down box behind the wastepaper basket and went to lie on my bed. I wondered why she thought the fourth book in particular would speak to me. I decided to take a look, though obviously I wasn’t gonna start with book four.
I pulled it off the desk and read the flap. Something about a contest—not sure how that was supposed to relate. I flipped through the pages, and then I realized there was something wrong. Some of the pages wouldn’t flip. I could flip through fine for a couple of hundred pages, and then it was like the rest of the pages in this huge book were all glued together or something.

I opened it to the glued section and smiled. It was all I could do not to smack my forehead. I was such a freakin’ idiot. This was why she thought book four would speak to me. It had been glued together and hollowed out, and inside was a little cell phone and charger.

I started laughing. “Whatcha got there?” Josh said.

“I don’t have anything here, which is what you’ll say if you value your reproductive organs,” I said.

“I have seen nothing, sir,” Josh said, smiling.

I put the phone under my pillow to muffle the sound and powered it up. A bunch of alert messages came through, and once the incriminating beeps had stopped, I pulled the phone out. “5 text messages” the screen said.

Message 1. From: Diana.
You’re welcome. Unlimited texts. All our #s loaded in. Only 1k minutes for whole term, so use wisely
.

Message 2. From: Diana.
Oh yeah. Emmy has one too. Duh
.

Message 3. From: Diana.
Txt when you get this. We have a
pool for how long it’ll take you to figure out my hint
.

Message 4: From: Chip.
Sorry, man. Gave you my save files & some anime by mistake. I have the porn
.

Oh well.

Message 5. From: Emmy.
Hey! Are you out there?

This one was from three hours ago. I hoped she didn’t think I was ignoring her or something. I quickly replied.

Hey! How are you!

I stared at the phone for a full five minutes, and just when I was ready to turn it off and put it back inside the Ass of Fire, it buzzed in my hand.

Better now
.

Me too
, I sent back.

So much to tell you!
she sent.

Unlimited texts. :)
I sent back, and then immediately wondered if the smiley face was too corny. Probably.

Got therapy in 10 min
. she sent.

2nite after lites out?
I sent back.

kk. I miss you
.

I miss you too
.

And she was gone. I sent a quick text to Diana to let her know it actually took me less than twenty-four hours to figure it out. And then I gathered up my books and walked out to go to my therapy appointment.

It was a beautiful day at Assland, and I felt something in the
pit of my stomach that wasn’t sour or cold. It was warming me up from the inside.

Because I had to be screwed up, I had to have a dad who was a tool, and I had to stay at Assland at least until the end of the term.

But I didn’t have to be alone.

I guess that’s about all anybody could ask for.

THANKS TO BRENDAN HALPIN FOR THE FUNNY, DEEP, AND ALWAYS
unexpected material to riff off of; big love to my mom and Team Cook–Steve-o, Courtney, Kelsey–for being the most loyal and hilarious crew anyone could ever wish for; cheers to my extended family, especially Tom, Sandy and brood, Nana and Papa, Jim and Samira, Aunt Ruth, and the Clingers for being so supportive; a round of applause to Holly Root for totally getting me and my kooky ideas; props to Greg Ferguson for seeing the potential in our work and making us dig even deeper to unearth a real jewel; a shout-out to the ever-talented, kind, and funny Rosie for being the inspiration behind Emmy; huge appreciation for Ashley and everyone at La Europa for saving us all; and unending gratitude to my amazing friends who
lift me up and make me whole, including but not limited to Suzanne, Sue, Michele, Alison, Charlotte, two Heathers Lindas and Julies, Joanna, Lisa, Leslie, Carla, Amy, Jan, Aimee, Betsy, and Jackie. —
T.C
.

THANKS TO TRISH COOK FOR THE EXCELLENT IDEA AND FOR BEING
fun to work with; thanks to Suzanne, Casey, Rowen, and Kylie for putting up with me; thanks to Doug Stewart for believing in me and my work for years; thanks to Greg Ferguson for helping us find the excellent book inside a somewhat ragged draft; thanks to Emily Franklin, Dan Waters, and Dana Reinhardt for ongoing moral support. —
B.H
.