A red tainted Silence (9 page)

The guy from the play had done this. I didn’t understand.

“Why did they attack you, Nicholas?” I asked.

He licked his lips but kept staring outside.

“Nicholas Kilmain, we know you’re out there, you little fucker.” His eyes widened and he pulled back from the window.

46 Carolyn Gray

I wished then I’d killed the guy, but I guess at that time of my life I wasn’t strong enough yet.

“Yeah, you little creep. Come back here so we can finish what we started.”

“You and your little boyfriend can’t hide from us, Kilmain.”

“We’re gonna make your little fuck buddy’s life hell, Kilmain.” Nicholas gasped.

“The fucker’s gonna wish he never hit me. He was lucky this time.”

“Better fuckin’ watch your fuckin’ back, asshole.” Now that the adrenaline wasn’t coursing through me, I realized just how terrified those words made me. Nicholas looked at me, tears shimmering in his eyes, then looked away again and stared through the window. Car doors slammed, making him flinch, but the car didn’t leave. No doubt the two thugs were congratulating themselves on their amazing command of the English language.

“I’m sorry, Brandon. I didn’t want this to happen,” Nicholas said, his voice soft with despair.

I pulled all the fear out of my voice, knowing instinctively he needed me to be strong for him. “How long have they been doing this to you, Nicholas?” He gave a soft, derisive snort. “Ever since high school. The big one, the one that was ...

was raping me?”

I nodded, forcing that visual out of my mind. “Yeah.”

“He was my high school boyfriend. Sweet, huh.”

Shit. The guy had lied then, that night. He’d had to have known exactly where Nicholas lived. “What happened?”

“I broke up with him. He didn’t take to the idea too well, but I couldn’t take his abuse anymore.” He flicked a sideways glance at me. “He was jealous, I guess. Liked to keep me underneath his thumb. The pathetic thing is, for a long time I let him. But then high school was over, and I hid.”

“I know. I tried to find you.”

He looked at me full on then. “What?”

I smiled, then remembered I was holding his hand. I stroked the back of it with my thumb, feeling an incredible thrill run through me despite the cold, hard fact that we were stuck in an isolated, trashed-out building, with two monsters waiting to jump us the minute we tried to leave, and no hope of anyone coming and rescuing us. If we got caught this time, I had an idea I’d get the same treatment as Nicholas.

“I was there at your last performance as Jacob. You were fantastic.” A shy smile stole across his face. “You thought so?”

“Oh, yeah. I was totally blown away.”

A Red-Tainted Silence

47

Now he laughed. “I wish I’d known you were there.”

“I tried to find you after it was over, but you’d disappeared. I’ve been looking for you most of the past two years.”

He looked down at our joined hands. “I’m sorry. I was hiding so Percy wouldn’t find me.”

“Percy?”

He grinned slyly. “Percy Blevins. Terrible name, isn’t it? Worse than Nicholas.”

“I like your name.”

He said nothing for a moment, lost in his thoughts. I noticed then he was still breathing hard. He wrapped one arm around his middle and winced. “I think they might’ve cracked my ribs.”

“Lay against me,” I said softly, hardly believing my own daring.

He said nothing for a moment, then nodded, but didn’t move. “Brandon,” he said, his gaze fixed unseeing outside. “Never let them know. Never let on to what you are.” He turned to face me then, his eyes wide, sad, haunted. “Some people understand. My friends at the bookstore do, Andy does, but not most people. It’s a straight man’s world, a hate-filled world for an openly gay boy. Keep it hidden. I should have. And I will from now on.” He hesitated.

“Have you ever kissed a boy, Brandon?”

I shifted uncomfortably at the sudden turn. “Uh, no, I haven’t.” But I wanted to kiss him, badly.

“A girl?”

“Lots of times. No big deal.” And none were a big deal. Each kiss had left me cold, hollow, wanting something more, yet scared, too. As each date ended, I’d been left believing my lack of reaction must mean something was wrong with me. I’d listened to Adam’s gay-bashing for years, so it was no wonder, really, that I half-believed homosexuals were sick in the head and, as Adam said, should be castrated.

Lovely brother, huh?

Nicholas shook his head sadly. “You’re young. You could be just confused, you know.

That happens sometimes.”

“I’m not confused.”

He smiled wanly at me. “How old are you?”

“Almost twenty.”

“Really? I thought you were younger. I’m twenty now.” He laughed softly, though he didn’t explain why.

“I -- I do know one thing for sure.”

“What’s that?” He turned to me and blinked.

48 Carolyn Gray

I swallowed, my gaze drifting over that lovely mouth, into those beautiful eyes. “I -- I’d like to kiss you.”

A small smile crept onto his face, but the shimmering in his eyes held me back from taking any sort of action. He looked scared, and I didn’t know enough to know if he was scared of me a little, too. I kinda suspected he was just then. After all, he didn’t really know me, and I had beat up both of those guys.

“I’m glad you found me, Brandon.”

“I am, too. This time you aren’t getting away from me, Nicholas.” He turned to look out the window again. “My own personal protector,” he murmured.

“My own white knight, strong and beautiful. Every gay boy’s dream. How lucky am I?” He flashed me a smile again and curled his fingers tighter around mine.

“I’ll take care of you, Nicholas. I promise they won’t hurt you ever again.” He didn’t look like he believed it, even though he nodded. Then he smiled wanly at me and said, “You know something? My butt hurts really bad, sitting on this hard floor like this.

Do you think we could leave? Maybe sneak out the back way?”

“No. It’s not safe yet.” I tugged on his hand, pulling him to me. He hesitated, but when I smiled at him, he lay against my bare chest, his head tucked underneath my chin, his hair tickling my nose. I know he had to have heard my heart racing -- it was clocking at light speed right then as I settled against the cushions, Nicholas safe in my arms.

“Better?” I asked, smiling as he nodded. He laid his right hand on my bare chest and began to tickle me with his fingers.

“You have no chest hair.”

“Runs in the family,” I said.

“I’m a hairy beast already, especially compared to you.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Why, Brandon?”

“Uh, well, I never really thought about it --”

He chuckled. “That’s not what I meant. Why did you come after me? I saw the flyers.”

“That was my cousin Jenny’s idea.”

He flinched. “She knows about me? About --”

I nodded. “Sprout, that’s what I call her. You’ll love her, I promise. She’s the one who dragged me to your play in the first place. When I heard you sing that song you wrote, I knew I wanted to work with you. That’s why I had to find you.”

“Is that all you want from me?” he asked, his voice a teasing whine. “Work?” I kissed him on his forehead, tasting him freely now that my senses weren’t so clouded by fear. He tasted of sweat and soap, a hint of aftershave.

A Red-Tainted Silence

49

“No. I want more than that, later on. I mean, when we’re both ready -- I don’t want to rush you in this --” I groaned as Nicholas laughed against my neck and kissed it. I hissed from the pleasure the simple brush of his lips against my bare skin brought, the heat that flashed in my groin. “You’d better not do that anymore, Nicholas,” I said, growling deep in my throat, which only made him laugh. “Not here.” He kissed me once more, of course, showing the first hint of the mischievousness that would plague me from then on. “All right. I’ll behave. You want to write music with me?”

“Yeah, I do. I think we’ll be good together, Nicholas. Really good.”

“What about your brother? Don’t think he liked me much.”

“Screw him. We don’t need him. We’ll do our own thing, once I get new keyboards.”

“What happened to your keyboards?”

Ah, shit. “Well, in his infinite wisdom, my brother chose that Harvey guy to be our lead singer.”

“You wanted me?” he asked, a hint of, well, need in his voice.

I stroked his arm in reassurance, smiling as he responded to my touch by burrowing his face into my neck. This wasn’t what I’d expected, but it felt right, me playing this role, giving him comfort. I chuckled to myself. Nicholas Kilmain’s white knight, that’s me.

“You bet I did. But Adam didn’t care what I thought. I got sick after that, you know. I had the flu all this past week.”

“So that’s why you fainted.”

“Um, well, probably contributed to it. I fainted because of you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you. You dazzled me with your presence and I totally lost it.” I felt him chuckle against me. “So what happened?” I shifted a little and he eased up while I settled back, a little more comfortable. It was an odd thing, holding another guy. But he was kinda soft and so warm against me. I liked it.

“So, yes, my dear sweet Nick, that big bad bastard Harvey stole all our instruments, and all my music.”

He raised his head and looked at me. “That’s terrible. All of it?” I nodded. “Yeah. Everything I’ve ever written.” Everything I’d written for him, but now it didn’t seem like such a tragic loss. Getting to know Nicholas would produce new music. I knew that now. “That’s why I was at Harrison’s, looking at keyboards. You saw me there, didn’t you?”

He nodded, then laid his head back down, kissing my collarbone and sending my thoughts tumbling into cartwheels for a moment. “Yeah, I didn’t want to bother you. I --

What were you playing?”

“You’re not a bother. And you know what I was playing.” 50 Carolyn Gray

“The song I sang in the play.”

“That’s right. Did you like it?”

“I loved it. It was all I could do not to burst out singing.” I stroked his arm, closing my eyes. “I wish you had, Nicholas. I wish you had.” He stayed silent for a moment, then said, “Me, too.” We held each other for a long moment then, him soothing me just as much as I soothed him, our breaths rapid, our hearts pulsing wildly in our chests. He looked up at me, his gaze searching mine. I didn’t want this to be the first time to kiss, when we were both battered and bruised and scared, but I couldn’t help myself. He reached up with his hand and cradled my face, and a soft moan escaped me at his touch.

I bent my head to his, brushing my lips across his mouth, tasting him as I’d dreamed of tasting him for so long. He sucked in his breath and pulled away, but just as quickly his lips found mine again. They were soft, full, yet so firm, so warm, so Nicholas. He whimpered as my tongue parted his lips, sought entry into the moist secrets of his mouth. Our tongues danced, not rapidly, but soft and slow as we comforted each other, reassuring each other that we would get through this, that everything would be all right.

I felt dizzy, didn’t realize I was holding my breath until he pulled back with a soft, shy smile. “Breathe, Brandon.”

I took a deep breath as ordered and laid my head back. “Wow,” I said. “I really did forget to breathe.”

He chuckled. “You kiss nice, Brandon.”

“So do you.”

He laid his head on my chest, ending our kisses for now. A good thing, as my entire body had inflamed. I took several more calming breaths. He chuckled at me again and ran his finger down my bare chest. “Easy, boy. Calm down.”

“I’m trying, I’m trying.” I captured his straying hand with my own. “That doesn’t help me much.”

“Oops. Sorry. How did you know where to find me?”

“Andy told me.” I kissed the top of his head again, wanting more, but content to wait until we were truly safe and alone.

“Good ol’ Andy. Why did you leave at the end? At the bookstore. I -- I thought I’d scared you off, flirting with you like that.”

“No, I just had to pee. Really, really bad.”

We held each other in silence for a while. I couldn’t voice my thoughts to him, that if I hadn’t had to piss, he wouldn’t have run off, and he wouldn’t have been attacked. We’d still likely be back at the bookstore, talking over coffee, or maybe even at my parents’ house, eating chicken soup.

A Red-Tainted Silence

51

But that hadn’t happened, and it was my fault. I pulled him tighter into my arms, feeling tears well in my eyes.

“How often has this happened, Nicholas?”

His voice came out in a bare whisper. “I’ve lost count.”

“That sucks,” I whispered.

“Yeah.”

“It won’t happen again,” I repeated. “I promise.” We held each other for what seemed like hours. Finally, the car left, and we both dozed off. When I woke up, it was almost five in the morning. I groaned, and woke Nicholas.

We were stiff, hot and sweaty, and filthy. All I wanted was to go home and stand under a shower for about an hour. I imagine Nicholas felt the same, and then some.

Nicholas sat up slowly, wincing, then turned to me wide-eyed. “It wasn’t a dream, then. I dreamt you and I finally found each other, but it was real.”

“It’s for real.” I pushed his bangs back. A shy smile was my reward. “Let’s get out of here, okay, Nick?”

“Okay, Brandy.”

I grinned. That was better than Bean. We made our way out of the building, Nicholas moving a little less easily now that soreness had set in. I didn’t feel so hot myself -- I hadn’t eaten anything but that half-hamburger the day before, and I still felt some lingering effects of the flu. We finally hit the street, grateful that it was empty.

The walk back to The Book Shed took forever, but finally we made it to the car.

Nicholas leaned against it as I took the keys from my shorts pocket and opened the door, then eased him in. I ran around the other side and got in, too, then drove slowly home.

Nicholas laid his head back on the seat and closed his eyes.

As I drew nearer to the parents’ house, I began to worry -- what would Mom think when she saw us like this? Had she called the cops, gone out looking for me? My heart trip-hammered as I pulled into the driveway. All the lights were on in the house.