A Restored Man (17 page)

"I never should have said that," Rio said, shaking his head.

Cole walked up to his brother, his pulse suddenly spiking. "But you did. It wasn't enough that I blamed myself for it, I had to hear that my brother felt the same."

Rio jerked his head back. "Why did you blame yourself?"

"For the same fucking reason you said it was my fault. Marco never would have gone into the army if it wasn't for me."

"I was pissed off when I said that. I didn't mean it," Rio said, taking a step closer.

Cole pushed his brother away. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he yelled. "You let that fester in me all these years, thinking you hated me for that, too?"

"You never listen to me. Why the hell would you take that
one
time to listen to something I said?"

Cole walked up to his brother, his jaw clenched, holding back the anger boiling within. "I always listened to everything," he said through gritted teeth.

"No one ever listens to me!"

"
I
always did!" Cole's chest heaved with each breath. He looked away, closed his eyes, and tried to control his anger. He paced in the worn grassy path, trying to burn off some of his frustration.

Rio walked up to him, the concern clearly coloring his expression. "It's not your fault," Rio said, reaching out to him.

Cole's breath hitched. He remembered that one day too well, when Rio had yelled at him. Those words, still to this day, scorched his soul. His brother's words that night confirmed the blame he carried. He blinked rapidly and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. He had tried to rationalize away the guilt that weighed heavily in his heart. He had asked Marco to not join, repeatedly. He had begged him to not sign up again when he had returned from a tour. He remembered those days. Remembered those conversations. He almost let the guilt fade, but then, he'd remember Rio's words and how they cut through him like a red hot spear. The words yelled that day had conviction and no hesitation. Renzos never lied. So it must have been the truth. A supposed truth that had weighed Cole down every day since his brother's death.

Rio reached out and pulled Cole into a frenzied embrace. "I'm so sorry," he whispered desperately. "I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. I never meant to hurt you like that. I'm so sorry."

Cole pulled away from the vise grip and pushed his brother away. "Leave me alone," he said, past the choking emotion preventing him from saying anything more. He turned away to wipe the tears that escaped, thankful for Rio's abrupt departure. He lowered his head and tried to silence the hum in his head. His stomach churned as he battled between the rage and the relief. He hated this, hated this weakness. He took a deep, shaky breath, needing to calm the quiver in his muscles. He flexed his hands and screwed his eyes shut. Every day his brother's words haunted him. Every. Fucking. Day. Just when he thought he could try to move on, could live with the fact that Marco had made the decision on his own to join the army or that it was just his time to leave this earth, and that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't the reason Marco had been taken away from him, his brother's words would come back to bite him and nudge him like a red devil sitting on his shoulder, holding him back, preventing him from moving on. His body shook, fighting to hold back the flood of tears begging for release.

Frail arms wrapped around him from behind. "
Mi amor
," his mother said, resting her head against his back. "It's not your fault. It was Marco's time to leave us."

Cole turned and buried his head in his mother's embrace, reveling in the comfort only a mother could provide, and finally letting the tears flow.

She pulled him back to see his face a few moments later. He sniffled and looked away, not wanting her to see him this way. "Look at me."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath then finally met his mother's gaze.

"Come…sit," she said, pulling him to join her on the stone bench. She reached for his hand when he sat and looked off into the distance. "I remember arguing with Marco when he told me he wanted to join the service."

"I didn't know that," Cole finally said, sniffling.

His mother tightened her hold on his hand. "We fought for days. I always wondered if I should have fought harder. I was proud of him, but I was always worried about the risk."

Cole turned to face his mother. A sadness in her expression that hadn't been there a few moments before twisted Cole's stomach. He raised their clasped hands and kissed her delicate skin.

She looked over to him and smiled weakly. "When someone you love dies, you always wonder if you could have said or done something differently, if that would have changed things. It's part of being human. It's part of caring and loving someone. We know this in our family. It is why the Renzos are the way we are. We love each other very much, but we also know our time in this world will eventually come to an end. When that time comes, we mourn but move on. We remember the time we had and cherish it and the happiness the memories bring. No one will ever take that away from you. You will always have him in your heart. Don't let the grief overshadow your happy memories."

"It's hard,
Mami
. I still miss him."

She patted his hand and reached over to place a kiss on his cheek. "I know,
mi amor
. You two were inseparable. You were blessed to have that close relationship with him. Many people don't get that chance."

Cole nodded and took a deep breath. "I know. I just worry. The family was a lot closer when Marco was alive. All of us. I feel as if we're splitting up somehow."

She rested her head on Cole's shoulder. "Sometimes, that happens and it's no one's fault. People get older, build their own homes and things happen that are out of our control. You each have your own lives now and that just means it takes a little more effort to get together."

He took a deep breath and let his mother's words sink in.

"Do you remember what happened to that tree?" his mother asked, pointing to the tilted, oddly shaped tree trunk that offered shade on part of the vacant playground.

Cole hid a smile, remembering that day as if it were yesterday.

"C'mon, no one will ever know," an eighteen-year-old Marco said with the ever-present smile on his face.

"
Mami
will know. She's got that third eye," an eight-year-old Cole said, gripping the steering wheel in his small hands.

"You're just driving it around the yard. She'll never think it was you driving the car. Put it in gear and give it a shot," his brother urged, reaching over to snap the seat belt over Cole's small body.

Cole looked over, startled. "If it's going to be okay, why did you put the belt on?"

Marco smiled that wicked grin of his. "I'm not risking anything happening to my baby brother. Now c'mon. Hurry up before
Mami
and
Papi
get home. Just don't go too fast."

Cole swallowed heavily, hoping to fill himself with courage. He peeked over the steering wheel, thankful for the phonebook boosting him in the seat, granting him a few inches in height. He stretched his leg and barely reached the brake pedal to shift the car into gear. He reached for the other pedal and pressed the gas too hard, forcing the car to jerk forward. "I'm not doing this right," he said, sounding defeated.

"You're doing great. Focus. It's easy. Gas to go, brake to stop, don't turn too hard or sharp. Always keep your eyes on the road when driving."

Cole scowled. "There's no road."

Marco chuckled and tousled his hair. "Then you make one up in your head.
You
drive the road,
you
own it. You visualize the path so it takes you where you need it to go. That's the way you drive on the road and in life. Understand?"

Cole nodded. He gripped the steering wheel tighter and pressed the accelerator a little softer to ease the car forward. "I'm doing it," he whispered, not wanting to jinx himself.

"Yeah, you are. Go around the yard," Marco said with a smug, proud, brotherly smile on his face.

Cole followed his brother's instructions and drove the small hatchback around the yard multiple times, his face hurting from the huge grin that spread from ear to ear. He had been so happy and focused that he hadn't noticed the neighbor's dog race across his imaginary road. He immediately steered the car to the side to avoid hitting the dog and accidently ran the car into the tree. "Oh shit!"

Marco was laughing so hard Cole thought his brother was going to piss in his pants.

"Why are you laughing?" Cole said, his heart beating so hard he thought it was going to burst from his chest. His parents were going to kill him.

"Because we've all hit the same tree when we take the car out for a drive the first time in the backyard. I was hoping you'd break the cycle. C'mon, let's get you out of there before anyone sees you were driving."

"He swore he was driving that day," Cole's mom said, pulling him from his memory.

Cole bit his lower lip and sat silently beside her. No way was he revealing he was actually driving. He had managed to keep quiet about that day for more than fifteen years.

"That was the only time one of my children ever lied to me. He refused to let you get the blame for that and worked extra hours to fix the car," she said with a wistful smile on her face at the memory. She looked over at Cole and raised an eyebrow. "He loved you so much he refused to let anyone lay a finger on you, even though I
do
know it was you driving that day."

Cole lowered his head. "How did you know?"

"A mother knows," she said. "Besides, all of you hit the same tree when learning how to drive," she finished with a smile.

Cole chuckled. "Marco said the same thing."

"How many times did you circle the yard before you hit it?" his mother asked curiously.

"Seven."

Cole's mother laughed softly. "All the others hit it before making it around once. Marco knew you loved cars. I would have skinned him alive if I knew he was going to teach you to drive so soon. You were too small."

"I've grown up,
Mami
," he said, sitting upright.

She smiled the way only a proud mother could. She reached down and raised the edge of his pant leg. "You asked me to send the boots to your address at the halfway house, but I wasn't sure you'd still wear them."

Cole smiled. "Every day. Thanks for getting them resoled." He knew it was silly, but he didn't have the heart to discard Marco's boots after he had passed away.

She looked at him appraisingly, then reached out and pulled the edge of the knit beanie over his ear.

Cole leaned over and kissed his mom's cheek. "Thank you,
Mami
." He ducked his head and squeezed his mom's hand. "I feel as if I failed you. I'm not as good as they are. I try. I swear, I'm trying."

"You are special,
mi amor
. Stop trying to be like your brothers or sister. You are each different and special in your own way." She reached up and placed her hand on Cole's cheek. "You haven't failed me. Your spirit is still there, in here," she said, moving her hand to Cole's chest, above his heart.

"I know I disappointed you when I got arrested. I'm sorry," he whispered. He'd never spoken the words even though they weighed heavily on him whenever he thought of his family and the pain he caused them.

She rested her head on his shoulder. "Children make mistakes but the important thing is the lesson you learn from those mistakes. Having you away was difficult but I wasn't disappointed, I was worried. I didn't want prison to dim your smile or your laughter." She looked up to him and smiled. "It's still there and that's all that matters to me."

He placed a gentle kiss on his mother's forehead. "Sorry I couldn't send you any money while I was away."

She straightened and slapped him on the hand. "I have all the money you ever gave me in a separate account. If you need it to get settled, it's yours."

Cole's brow lowered. "You didn't use it?"

A soft smile spread across her face. "When your father died, the life insurance helped pay for things and Vanni invested the rest. I knew it was important to you so I let you do that. All I've ever wanted was for my children to be true to themselves and do the best they can. I've always wanted you to be honest, not just to others, but to yourself. To do what you love, because then, I know you will do it well and be happy. That's all that's ever mattered to me. The money was never important."

"You're so wise. You're like my little Yoda."

She scowled. "I am not that little creature with big ears."

"I'm your favorite," Cole teased and gently bumped his mother's shoulder. "Admit it."

"You are,
mi amor
."

Cole laughed then glanced at his mother's smiling face. "You say that to all of us, don't you?"

She patted his hand and smiled. "Of course."

They looked over to the edge of the porch, quieting at the sight of Julian watching them.

She leaned over and whispered in Cole's ear, "He's very protective of you." She retreated and squeezed their clasped hands. "Please stay for a while longer and spend some time with the family."

Cole looked over to his mom. "I will."

She rose from her seat and walked slowly toward Julian. She reached up and rubbed his shoulder, whispered something to him, then walked back into the house.

Julian walked over and sat on the bench by Cole. "You okay?"

Cole nodded, looking at the bent tree in the yard. "What did she say to you?"

"She told me she could walk back by herself. She asked me to sit with you for a minute."

Cole gave Julian a sideways glance. "She babies me."

"And you love that shit."

"Of course I do. I missed it." Cole tugged on his sleeves and looked off to the side, gathering his thoughts. "I had a talk with my brother."

"I know. He ran over to where we were sitting and told your mom what happened," Julian said, unbuttoning the cuffs and rolling up his sleeves.

Cole turned his head slowly toward Julian. "You're kidding?"

Julian pursed his lips and shook his head. "I swear I hadn't seen a woman as small as your mother hit a grown man that hard. I think your brother's going to have a bruise on his arm come morning. She couldn't believe he had told you that years ago. Man, she was pissed off."