A Saucer of Loneliness (42 page)

“How are you tonight, Nemo?”

“I am very intelligent.”

She laughs. “You can say that again,” and then she puts hand on my mouth and more laughs. “No, don’t say it again. Another figure
of speech.… Remember any yet?”

“What state what school what name, all that? No.”

“All right.” Now de la Torre, he ask me like that and when I no him, he try and try ask some other how. The Sergeant, he ask me like that and when I no him, he try and try ask me the same asking, again again. Elena ask and when I no her, she talk something else. Now she say, “What would you like to do tonight?”

I say, “Go with you whatever.”

She say, “Well we’ll start with a short beer,” so we do.

The short beer is in a room with long twisty blue lights and red lights and a noise-machine looks like two sunsets with bubbles and sounds unhappy out loud. The short beer is wet, high as a hand, color like Elena’s eyes, shampoo on top, little bubbles inside. Elena drink then I drink all. Little bubbles make big bubble inside me, big bubble come right back up so roaring that all people look to see, so it is bigger as the noise-machine. I look at people and Elena laugh again. She say, “I guess I shouldn’t laugh. Most people don’t do that in public, Nemo.”

“Was largely recalcitrant bubble and decontrolled,” I say. “So what do—keep for intestinals?”

She laugh again and say, “Well, no. Just try to keep it quiet.” And now come a man from high long table where so many stand, he has hair on face, low lip flaccid, teeth brown black and gold, he smell as waste-food, first taste of mouth-thermometer, and skin moisture after drying in heavy weavings. He say, “You sound like a pig, Mac, where you think you are, home?”

I look at Elena and I look at he, I say, “Good evening.” That what de la Torre say in first speak to peoples after begin night. Elena quick touch arm of mine, say, “Don’t pay any attention to him, Nemo.” Man bend over, put hand forward and touches it to ear of me with velocity, to make a large percussive effect. Same time bald man run around end of long high table exhibiting wooden device, speaking the prognosis: “Don’t start nothing in my place, Purky, or I’ll feed you this bung-starter.”

I rub at ear and look at man who smells. He say, “Yeah, but you hear this little pig here? Where he think he’s at?”

The man with bung-starter device say, “Tell you where you’ll be at, you don’t behave yourself, you’ll be out on the pavement with a knot on your head,” and he walk at Purky until Purky move and walk again until Purky is back to old place. I rub on ear and look at Elena and Elena has lip-paint of much bigger red now. No it is not bigger red, it is face skin of more white. Elena say, “Are you all right, Nemo? Did he hurt you?”

I say, “He is destroyed no part. He is create algesia of the middle ear. This is usual?”

“The dirty rat. No, Nemo, it isn’t usual. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t’ve brought you in here.… Some day someone’ll do the world a favor and knock his block off.”

“I have behavior?”

She say, “You what? Oh—did you act right.” She gives me diagnostic regard from sides of eyes. “I guess so, Nemo. But … you can’t let people push you around like that. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

“But then this is no more short beer, yes?”

“You like it? You want another?”

I touch my larynx. “It localizes a euphoria.”

“Does it now. Well, whatever that means, I guess you can have another.” She high display two fingers and big bald man gives dispensing of short beer more. I take all and large bubble forms and with concentration I exude it through nostrils quietly and gain Elena’s approval and laughter. I say my thanks about the kindlies, about de la Torre and the Sergeant but it is Elena who helps with the large manymuchness.

“Forget it,” she say.

“Is figure of speech? Is command?”

She say low-intensity to shampoo on short beer, “I don’t know, Nemo. No, I guess I wouldn’t want you to forget me.” She look up at me and I know she will say again, “You’ll never forget your promise, Nemo?” and she say it. And I say, “I not go away before I say, Elena, ‘I going away.’ ”

She say, “What’s the matter, Nemo? What is it?”

I say, “You think I go away, so I think about I go away too. I like you think about I here. And that not all of it.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just that I—well, it’s important to me, that’s all. I couldn’t bear it if you just disappeared some day.… What else, Nemo?”

I say, “Two more short beer.”

We drink the new short beer with no talk and with thinks. Then she say she go powder she nose. She nose have powder but she also have behavior so I no say why. When she go in door-place at back angle, I stand and walk.

I walk to high long table where stand the smelly man Purky, I push on him, he turn around.

He say, “Well look what crawled up! What you want, piggy?”

I say, “Where you block?”

He say, “Where’s
what
?” He speak down to me from very tall, but he speak more noise than optimum.

I say, “You block. Block. You know, knock off block. Where you block? I knock off.”

Big man who bring short beer, he roar. Purky, he roar. Mens jump back, looking, looking. Purky lift high big bottle, approach it at me swiftly. I move very close swiftlier, impact the neck of Purky by shoulder, squeeze flesh of Purky in and down behind pelvis, sink right thumb in left abdomen of Purky—one-two-three and go away again. Purky still swing down bottle but I not there for desired encounter now. Bottle go down to floor, Purky go down to floor, I walk back to chair, Purky lie twitching, men look at he, men look at me, Purky say “Uh-uh-uh.” I sit down.

Elena come out of door running, say “What happened? Nemo …” and she look at Purky and all men looking.

I say, “Sorry. Sorry.”

“Did you do that, Nemo?”

I make the head-nod, yes.

“Well what are you sorry about?” she say, all pretty with surprise and fierce.

I say, “I think you happy if I knock block off, but not know block. Where is block? I knock off now.”

“No you don’t!” she say. “You come right along out of here! Nemo, you’re dynamite!”

I puzzle. “Is good?”

“Just now, is good.”

We go out and big man call, “Hey, how about one on the house, Bomber?”

I puzzle again. EIena say, “He means he wants to give you a drink.”

“Short beer?”

Big man put out short beer, I drink all. Purky sit up on floor. I feel big bubble come; I make it roar. I look at Purky. Purky not talk. Elena pull me, we go.

We walk by lakeshore long time. People foot-slide slowly to pulse from mens with air-vibrators, air-column wood, air-column metal, vibrating strings single and sets. “Dancing,” Elena say and I say “Nice. Is goodly nice.” We have a happy, watching. Pulse fast, pulse slow, mens cry with pulse and vibrations, womens, two at once, cry together. “Singing,” Elena say, and the lights move on the dancing, red and yellow-red and big and little blue; clouds shift and change, pulse shift and change, stars come, stars go and the wind, warm. Elena say, “Nemo, honey, do you know what love is?”

I say no.

She look the lake, she look the lights, she wave the arm of her to show all, with the wind and stars; she make her voice like whisper and like singing too and she say, “It’s something like this, Nemo. I hope you find out some day.”

I say yes, and I have sleepy too. So she take me back to the hospital.

It is the day and de la Torre is tired with me. He fall into chair, wipe the face of he with a small white weaving.

He say, “
Por Dios
, Nemo, I don’t figure you at all. Can I be frank with you?”

I say, “Yes,” but I know all he be is de la Torre.

He say, “I don’t think you’re trying. But you must be trying; you couldn’t get along so fast without trying. You don’t seem to be interested; I have to tell you some things fifty times before you finally get them. Yet you ask questions as if you
were
interested. What are you? What do you want?”

I lift up the shoulders once, quickly, just like de la Torre when he not know.

He say, “You grasp all the complicated things at sight, and ignore the simple ones. You use terms out of
Materia Medica
and use them right, and all the time you refuse to talk anything but a highly individualized pidgin-English. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

I say, “Yes.”

He say, “
Do
you? Tell me: what is
Materia Medica?
What is ‘Individualized’? What is ‘Pidgin-English’?”

I do the shoulders thing.

“So don’t tell me you know what I’m talking about.”

I turn the head little, raise the one finger like he do sometime, I say, “I do. I do.”

“Tell me then. Tell it in your own words. Tell me why you won’t learn to talk the way I do.”

“No use,” I say. Then I say, “No use for me.” Then I say, “Not interest me.” And still he sit and puzzle at me.

So I try. I say, “De la Torre, I see peoples dancing in the night.”

“When? With Elena?”

“Elena, yes. And I see mens make pulse and cries for dancing.”

“An orchestra?” I puzzle. He say, “Men with instruments, making noises together?” I make a yes. He say, “Music. That’s called music.”

I say, “What this?” and I move the arms.

He say, “Violin?”

I say, “Yes. Make one noise, a new noise, a new noise—one and one and one. Now,” I say, “what this?” and I move again.

“Banjo,” he say. “Guitar, maybe.”

“Make many noise, in set. Make a new set. And a new set. Yes?”

“Yes,” he say. “It’s played in chords, mostly. What are you getting at?”

I bump on side of head. “You have think word and word and word and you make set. I have think set and set and set.”

“You mean I think like a violin, one note at a time, and you think like a guitar, a lot of related notes at a time?” He quiet, he puzzle. “Why do you want to think like that?”

“Is my thinks.”

“You mean, that’s the way you think? Well, for Pete’s sake, Nemo, you’ll make it a lot easier to convey your thinks—uh—thoughts if you’ll learn to come out with them like other people.”

I make the no with the head. “No use for me.”

“Look,” he say. He blow hard through he nostrils, bang-bang on table, eyes close. He say, “You’ve got to understand this. I’ll give you an example. You know how an automobile engine works?”

I say no.

He grab white card and mark-stick and start to mark, start to conversation swift, say all fast about they call this a four-cycle engine because it acts in four different phases, the piston goes down, this valve opens, that valve closes, the piston goes up, this makes a fire … and a lot, all so swift. “This the intake cycle,” and many words. “This is the crankshaft, spark plug, fuel line, compression stroke …” Much and much.

And stops, whump. Points mark-stick. “Now, you and your thinking in concepts. That’s how it works, basically. Don’t tell me you got any of that, with any real understanding.”

“Don’t tell?”

“No, no,” he say. He tired, he smile. He say, “Name the four cycles of this engine.”

I say, “Suck. Squeeze. Pop. Phooey.”

He drop he mark-stick. A long quiet. He say, “I can’t teach you anything.”

I say, “I not intelligent?”

He say, “
I
not intelligent.”

Is many peoples in eat-place but I by my own with my plate and my thinks, I am alone. Is big roughness impacting on arm, big noise say, “What’s your
name
?”

I bend to look up and there is the Sergeant. I say, “Nemo.” He sit down. He look. He make me have think: he like me, he not believe me. He not believe anybody. He say: “Nemo, Nemo.

That’s not your name.”

I do the thing with the shoulders.

He say, “You weren’t surprised when I jolted you then. Don’t you ever get surprised? Don’t you ever get sore?”

I say, “Surprise, no. Sore?”

He say, “Sore, mad, angry.”

I have a think. I say, “No.”

He say, “Ought to be something that’ll shake you up. Hm.… They pamper you too much around here, you walking around like Little Eva or Billy Budd or somebody. Sweetness and light. Dr. de la Torre says you’re real bright.”

“De la Torre real bright.”

“Maybe. Maybe.” He eyes have like coldness, like so cold nothing move. He say, “That Elena. How you like Elena, Nemo?”

I say, “I like.” And I say, “High music, big color-gentle.”

He say, “Thought so.” He poke sharp into my chest. “Now I’m gonna tell you the truth about your Elena. She’s crazy as a coot. She went bad young. She was a mainliner, understand me? She was an addict. She did a lot of things to get money for the stuff. She had to do more’n most of ’em, with a face like that, and it didn’t get any prettier. De la Torre pulled her through a cure. He’s a good man. Three different times he cured her.

“So one time she falls off again and what do you know, she picks up with a looney just like you. A guy they called George. I figured from the start he was a faker. Showed up wandering, just like you. And she goes for him. She goes for him bigger’n she ever went for anything else, even hash. And he went over the hill one fine day and was never seen again.

“So she’s off the stuff, sure. And you know what? The only thing she has any use for is amnesiacs. Yeah, I mean it. You’re the sixth in a row. They come in, she sticks with ’em until they get cured or fade. Between times she just waits for the next one.

“And that’s your Elena. De la Torre strings along with her because she does ’em good. So that’s your light o’ love, Nemo boy. A real twitch. If it isn’t dope it’s dopes. You get cured up, she’ll want no part of you. Wise up, fella.”

He look at me. He has a quiet time. He say, “God awmighty, you don’t give a damn for her after all … or maybe you just don’t know
how to get mad … or you didn’t understand a word of what I said.”

I say, “Every people hurt Elena. Some day Elena be happy, always. Sergeant hurt every people. Sergeant not be happy. Never.”

He look at me. Something move in the cold, like lobster on ice; too cold to move much. I say, “Poor Sergeant.”

He jump up, he make a noise, not word, he raise a big hand. I look up at him, I say, “Poor Sergeant.” He go away. He bump de la Torre who is quiet behind us.