A Sinclair Homecoming (The Sinclairs of Alaska) (19 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

F
OR
A
LONG
MOMENT
,
Wade simply enjoyed the good feelings that were typical post-sex but as he waited for Morgan to return from the bathroom, he realized he couldn’t keep spending time with Morgan without telling her what was happening in his life. Somehow it just seemed wrong, even though neither one of them had made promises to the other about some kind of commitment. That was the thing, though; he realized he wanted a commitment with her. But how could he make a commitment to Morgan when back home Elizabeth might be pregnant with his child?

He wanted to see Morgan more—so much so that he would be willing to entertain a long-distance relationship if Morgan was willing—but he couldn’t take that step with her without first telling her what was going on. And the idea scared him silly because what if she hated him? What if she turned him away? He’d never been so invested in a relationship that he couldn’t walk away if things didn’t work out, but he had a hard time imagining not being with Morgan. Somehow, in a short time frame, she had become an important part of his life, and he was already thinking of how he could fit her more securely into his life in California.

It was jumping the gun—something he’d never done in his life—but it still felt right. Everything about Morgan felt so right. He admired her calm strength, her quiet counsel and her professional acumen, not to mention he could lose himself in her body for weeks and happily forget the rest of the world existed. Never in his life had he felt this way about another woman. That in itself made him realize that Morgan was different. And so how could he walk away? What if she was
The One?
He was fairly certain that when he looked at Morgan it was the same way that Trace looked at Delainey or Miranda looked at Jeremiah.

The bathroom door opened and Morgan emerged with a tremulous smile wreathing her beautiful face. She joined him on the bed and climbed beneath the covers with a shiver. “One thing about my bedroom is that it has a fireplace, unlike this one,” she said, grinning. “What’s with the serious face? I leave for a few minutes and everything changes. Are you okay?”

“You’re beautiful,” he said, staring into her eyes. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And each time I’m with you I fall a little harder.”

“Fall? What do you mean?” she asked, a little breathless. “I mean, one might think you were saying that you were falling
in
love
with me. But it’s too soon for that, isn’t it?”

“Yes. Yes to both. You and I both know that this is infatuation but it’s the best damn infatuation I’ve ever experienced in my life. Which leads me to believe that I’m falling in love with you, as well. And I’m not ashamed to admit that, but I feel I need to disclose some things before either one of us decides to take things further. I only want there to be honesty between us, and I can’t in good conscience go any further without telling you a few things.”

“Is this the part where you tell me you’re a cross-dresser? Because I don’t think you’ll fit into my panties.”

He shook his head with a small, pained chuckle, wishing he could joke away the seriousness of his situation. “No, not a cross-dresser. Not a sexual deviant in any way and not a criminal. I’m pretty ordinary. I work too hard, I don’t take enough vacation and sometimes I spend way too much time behind the desk. Those aren’t my issues. My issue is far more complicated and if we’re to go any further it could seriously impact our relationship.”

“Oh.” Morgan sobered, realizing the gravity of the situation. Seeming to mentally prepare herself she said, “All right, what is it?”

“This isn’t easy for me to say and I’m still in shock about it myself. I told you earlier that before I left for Alaska I had a semicasual dating relationship with a woman named Elizabeth, which I broke off because I knew we weren’t going to go where she wanted the relationship to go. A few days ago she called to tell me that she might be pregnant. And that if she is...the baby is mine.”

Morgan paled and her fingers fluttered to her chest as she sucked in a tight breath. For a long moment she said nothing and the silence was worse than if she’d started yelling. Not that she had anything to yell about, per se, but one never knew how people were going to react to bad news. And Wade didn’t know much about Morgan except for how he felt about her.

“A baby? Wow. This changes things a bit.” Morgan slid from the bed and grabbed her robe, tucking it around her and tying tightly. She couldn’t have looked more unapproachable than if she’d grabbed armor and pointed a spear at him. “I can see why you wouldn’t be in a rush to share that kind of information. It does change things. A lot.”

“I don’t even have confirmation yet if she’s truly pregnant but she seemed pretty sure. She said she’s never late and...well, she’s late this month,” he said, watching as Morgan seemed to withdraw further as he spoke. Wade grimaced. This was what he’d been afraid of.

He climbed from the bed and tried to gather her in his arms, but she stepped back. He frowned, trying to explain. “If she’s pregnant, and I have no reason to assume the baby isn’t mine, obviously I want to have a relationship with the child but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a relationship with you, too.”

“Actually, it does mean that because I am no way interested in being a mother,” she said brusquely. “Particularly a mother to a child who isn’t mine.”

“I see. I was hoping that maybe... I don’t know... I know it’s asking a lot but I was hoping that you wouldn’t bolt. I just found out myself so I’m still in a bit of shock, but I could never abandon a child of mine. It’s just not in my DNA.”

“Of course. I would expect you to do nothing less. You’re a good man and I’m sure you’ll make a fabulous father. But I’m not cut out to be a mother or stepmother. I have a thriving practice here and a life I enjoy. I’m not ready to give all that up to raise somebody else’s child. No matter how infatuated I might be with its father.”

Wade winced. Everything she said made sense but it cut just the same. He wasn’t sure what he’d been hoping for but the scenario had played out as he’d feared. He sighed, suffering an acute sense of despair for having lost something he hadn’t even really had in the first place. “I understand. I’m sorry. I should have told you about the baby the minute I found out.”

“There’s no need to apologize. Your personal business is your own. We never made any promises to one another nor did we make a commitment. We were enjoying each other’s company for a brief time. But in light of this new information, I’m sure you can understand how I don’t think it’s a good idea that we continue sleeping together.”

He nodded, suffering a wretched, sinking feeling that he’d just lost something precious. He struggled against the urge to fall to his knees and beg her to stay with him. “Of course. God, I’m so sorry. I feel I ruined everything. I think you and I could’ve been great.” She jerked her head in a short nod but otherwise remained silent. What else could he say? The silence between them yawned and he knew it was time for him to leave. “I’ll just get dressed and get my things.”

“That would be best. Thank you.”

Talk about going from heaven to hell in a space of ten minutes. Wade collected his clothes, dressed and left. But he was pretty sure he left a piece of his heart in Morgan’s hands because he felt as if he were missing something vitally important to life. He would never wish ill on someone else but at that moment he was mad at the situation, and mad at how helpless he was to change it.

As he pulled out of the driveway he grabbed his cell phone and quickly dialed Elizabeth’s number. When she answered sleepily, he said in a terse voice, “We need to talk.”

He wanted to know whether or not she was pregnant.

Now
.

“What’s the matter? Is everything okay with your family?”

Wade didn’t waste time on pleasantries. “I need you to take a pregnancy test. Now.”

The sleep cleared from Elizabeth’s voice as she answered quietly. “I already did, right after we talked last. I couldn’t wait for my doctor’s appointment next week.”

He held his breath. “And?” His future rested on this one answer.

“And it was positive.” His world crashed down around him and the air disappeared from his lungs. Elizabeth was pregnant. He was going to be a father. He’d lost the woman that might’ve been
The One
but he’d gained a child. Why did it have to be either/or? He swallowed and forced the words out. “Are you sure? Sometimes those tests are unreliable,” he said, his voice cracking like a schoolboy.

“I took two. Both were positive. And I’ve been throwing up since yesterday. There’s no doubt.”

“Okay.” He needed to think. “Ah...I don’t know what to say except I will do my best to be there for you.”

“Thank you.” Elizabeth’s quiet gratitude made him want to cry. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Conversely, he knew with a certainty that made little sense, if Morgan had come to him and said she was pregnant with his child, he would’ve leaped with joy. It was simple—he loved Morgan. And he’d lost her.

Elizabeth made a sound like a yawn, drawing attention to the time difference. “I was going to call as soon as I found out but I’d needed time to process and so I’d decided to tell you in the morning. I feel as if I should apologize but I didn’t do this on purpose and I never imagined that I would get pregnant before I was married, so I really have nothing to apologize for.”

“I know. I don’t blame you. You don’t need to apologize. We’ll get through this and we’ll be good coparents.”

“It’s not that easy for me, Wade,” she said, her voice choking. “I was in love with you, even if you weren’t in love with me.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling wretched. “I’m so sorry. Whatever you need, I’ll make sure you have.”

He imagined her biting her lip as she held back tears, and he cursed himself for being a clumsy clod with someone else’s heart. What could he say? Nothing. All he could do was try and be a good coparent. That’s all he could offer.

Elizabeth seemed to understand this and let out a shaky breath. “I’ll let you know what the doctor says, the due date and whatnot.”

“Thank you.”

Wade thought the conversation had reached its natural, if not painful, end, until she asked, apprehensively, “Are you seeing someone else? It’s probably none of my business but I need to know.”

He sighed. Should he lie? No, that wasn’t fair to Elizabeth. She deserved the truth, even if it made him uncomfortable to share. “I was,” he admitted, adding for her benefit, “It happened while I was here and was completely unexpected.”

Her breath hitched but she said, “Does she know about the baby?”

“Yes. I told her this evening.”

“And how did she take it?”

“Not as well as I’d hoped but I wasn’t surprised. That kind of news under these circumstances never goes well.”

“Who is she? Your high school sweetheart?” The jealousy that Elizabeth couldn’t quite quell stung with betrayal, and he wondered if a lie would’ve been a kindness. “I had a feeling this was going to happen,” she said. “It was my biggest fear that you’d run across someone you’d once loved and thought had got away. You see it on Facebook all the time. Those social media sites encourage people to get in touch with their past and then it ruins lives.”

“She is not someone from my past. I barely knew her when I was younger,” he said, hoping his answer softened the blow. “I want you to know that I didn’t plan this.”

“No one ever does.”

He sighed. This conversation was deteriorating. Thankfully, Elizabeth seemed to agree and said, “I’ll call you when I have more details.”

“Thank you.”

Elizabeth was a strong woman but he could hear the hurt in her voice, even if she tried to hide it. He’d never meant to hurt her, but he didn’t know how an unplanned pregnancy caused by an extended one-night stand could ever turn out well.

Wade tossed the phone to the other seat with a heavy sigh. He supposed that conversation wouldn’t have gone well, no matter what. He felt bad for Elizabeth but he felt worse for himself. Perhaps it was selfish of him but right about now, he figured he’d received the worst end of both of those conversations. Naturally, both ladies would likely disagree but he was going to wallow in a bit of self-pity...at least for the night.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

L
ATER
THE
NEXT
day Morgan met Mona for lunch but only because Mona wouldn’t shut up and leave her alone. If she’d had her druthers, Morgan would’ve ordered in and had something delivered to the office but Mona wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Her chatty sister was the last person Morgan wanted to spend time with right now. Her mood had nothing to do with her sister, but the fact was, Morgan wasn’t good company for anyone. After Wade had left she’d wished she’d had the courage to pick up the phone and ask him to come back so she could explain herself, but her fingers were made of ice and she neither reached for her phone nor made any other attempt to contact him because she was shamed by the lies that had spewed from her mouth without her control. To think she had actually said that she didn’t want to be a mother? Nothing could be further from the truth. But losing her own child had been such a terrible blow that she thought she would never recover. It was a private pain she nursed and protected in an unhealthy manner but until that moment, her painful secret hadn’t raised its ugly head.

“What’s with the sour face? I have great news to share. So you know that art buyer I told you about? He has turned into a cash cow. He adores my art—not surprising because I am an amazing artist—but even more so than that, he has
connections
to more people who love my art. In fact, he’s even paid in full for his commissioned piece.” Mona reached into her purse and pulled out a stack of cash and pushed it toward Morgan. “Here is the money I owe you. Bam! I told you I was good for it. Granted, it took me a bit longer than I thought it would, but here it is. Paid in full.”

Morgan startled at the pile of cash and quickly scooped it up and stuffed it in her purse. “Mona, a check would have been fine. You shouldn’t walk around with this much cash on your person. I’m very happy for you but before you paid me off you should pay Mom and Dad. That would go a long way to getting them off your back.”

“Already did, smarty-pants.” Mona beamed. “I told you I’m making bank. Admit it, you never thought your little sister would be doing so well with her art.”

True, Morgan had had her moments, particularly whenever she’d been writing her sister another check to cover her rent. “It doesn’t matter what I thought because you’re obviously doing well on your own. Good for you. I’m glad it’s working out for you.”

Mona made a face. “Wow. That’s all I get? I finally become self-sufficient and all I get is a tiny little pat on the back that feels more perfunctory than anything else? Sad. Very sad.”

“What do you want, Mona? A cartwheel? I haven’t done a cartwheel since I was in high school so you’re out of luck.”

“Now I get sarcasm? Fabulous. Let’s start over. Why don’t you tell me why you’re being such a stick in the mud and maybe I can help your problem, and then you can get a second chance at being a little more enthusiastic over a major milestone in my life. Okay?”

“Mona, life does not revolve around you. I know that’s hard to accept but sometimes people have things going on in their lives that don’t affect you in the least.”

“Fair point. However, I don’t care about those people. I care for my sister. So tell me why you’re being such a butthead and maybe we can figure out a solution.”

Morgan pinched the bridge of her nose, praying for patience. “Mona, I’m really not up to lunch today. Maybe we can take a rain check.”

“Nope. No rain checks issued. Tell me what’s going on. I’m all ears. Besides, maybe the drama is interesting for once in your life. Did one of your patients go cuckoo? Well, crazier than usual.”

“My patients aren’t crazy,” Morgan corrected her. “And no, it’s not about my patients. Not exactly.”

“It’s about Wade, isn’t it?” Mona snapped her fingers, excited. “Sister, now you have to tell me what’s going on. That hunky boy toy is the most interesting thing you’ve done in years.”

“He’s not a boy toy. He’s a grown man and I don’t want to talk about Wade.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to. Why do you always question every single thing that comes out of my mouth?” Morgan snapped.

“Morgan, my dear, you are wound tighter than a drum. Sometimes I think if you shoved a piece of coal up your ass, a diamond would pop out eventually. Given how many people would love to have a sister to listen to their troubles and dispense wisdom, I don’t see why you’re so reluctant to share.”

“Wisdom? That’s what you call this? I call it badgering.”

“Well, it’s all a matter of perspective. So did you guys break up or something?”

“You have to be dating in order to break up. So no, we did not break up. But we are no longer going to be seeing each other.”

Mona groaned. “Great. What did you do to chase him off?”

“What do you mean, ‘what did you do?’ What makes you think I did anything?”

“Because it’s your personality. But don’t worry, we can fix it. Just tell me what you said and I will think of a plausible excuse for why you said it.”

Morgan glared at her sister and decided to just lay it all out there—not because she believed Mona had anything of value to add but because she knew if she didn’t, Mona wouldn’t shut up and give her some peace. “Before Wade left California, he got another woman pregnant.”

Mona’s mouth dropped open and for a second there was blessed silence but she recovered quickly. “Wow. Didn’t see that coming. Okay, is it his girlfriend or his wife?”

“What does it matter?”

“It matters a lot,” Mona answered, giving Morgan a look as if she’d just asked the dumbest question on the planet when Morgan didn’t see the difference. Mona exhaled and quickly explained. “A wife has a ring on her finger. A girlfriend doesn’t. And that would make Wade fair game.”

“Not fair game,” Morgan disagreed heartily and not for the first time worried about her sister’s moral compass. “When a baby is involved, it changes everything. And to answer your original question he said they were only casually dating when she got pregnant, but he only just found out while he was here in Alaska so it was totally unexpected and unplanned.”

“Oh, that’s not so bad. It’s not like he was cheating, right?”

“No, he wasn’t cheating but he still got a woman pregnant, and I don’t have any interest in dating a man who is about to be a father to a child who doesn’t belong to me.”

“Yeah, that’s a pickle but it doesn’t have to be. You used to love kids. What’s the problem? You’ll probably have to share custody one week on, one week off, which once you get into a schedule it’s not so bad. I dated a guy who had a kid and it turned out fine. I didn’t break up with him because of the kid issue—it was because he snored and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wasn’t getting any sleep.”

Morgan glared, irritated that Mona was being so flippant about the situation. “I’m not concerned about the custody issue. I...” Why was she talking about this with Mona? It wasn’t as if she could share her true feelings because then she’d have to reveal David’s nature, and she swore she wouldn’t do that, not for David’s sake but for Mona’s. Morgan buttoned her lip and grabbed the menu. “Let’s just order and drop it.”

“No. You’re going to tell me who shoved that stick up your ass because you weren’t always like this. You changed, Morgan. You used to be fun. What happened?”

“Drop it, Mona.”

“I will not.”

“You are the biggest pain in my butt.”

“Ditto.”

The two sisters stared each other down, much like they had when they were kids, neither willing to back down. But in that moment Morgan realized that her sister wasn’t a little kid anymore. Maybe she didn’t need to protect Mona. Which meant maybe she didn’t need to keep David’s secret anymore, either. Morgan lowered her menu and set it down.

After a deep breath, Morgan said, “You’re right. I used to love kids. And I wanted lots of them. But that all changed when I had a miscarriage.”

Mona’s eyes widened. “You had a miscarriage? When? You never told me that.”

“Mona, there are a lot of things I’ve never told you. And I don’t know if you’re ready to hear this but I might never have the courage to tell you again so here it goes.”

“You can tell me anything,” she protested. “That’s what I’m trying to get across to you. I’m here for you.”

“David killed my baby.”

Mona gasped and drew back as if she’d been struck. “What? I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“David killed my baby,” Morgan repeated, her eyes filling at the memory. As expected, Mona was floored by the revelation.

When she could speak again, Mona said, “You’re going to need to fill in the blanks because I’m so confused right now. And horrified. And a bit sick to my stomach.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything,” Morgan said, wondering if she’d made a mistake in sharing. But there was a part of her that desperately needed to unload this heavy burden, and the prospect of doing just that pushed her forward when Mona jerked a short nod for her to continue.

“No, please. Tell me,” Mona said, her voice softening. “I don’t know what to say but I think I need to know this.”

Morgan nodded and continued, her voice flat and emotionless—not because it didn’t hurt like blades going through her chest but because it was the only way she could get through the telling. “David was very particular about appearances. Everything had to be perfect. Including me. Every day I was required to log my weight and I was allowed a two-pound variance. Anything above a two-pound difference and I was punished.”

“Punished?” Mona’s tone trembled as if afraid. “What do you mean?”

“His preferred punishment of choice was a punch to the stomach because it didn’t leave marks. Not that he didn’t leave marks, mind you. Sometimes he couldn’t control himself and his punishments became frenzied. That’s when he left marks that I had to find a way to hide.”

Mona covered her mouth on a horrified gasp as her eyes filled with tears. “Morgan...I didn’t know...”

“No one knew.”

“Why? Why didn’t you tell someone?”

“Tell them what? I couldn’t do that. What would people say? I’m the one who helps people rebuild their lives. Who was going to trust the counsel of a woman who couldn’t fix her own life?” Morgan shook her head. “But that’s not the only reason,” she admitted, privately ashamed at her weakness. “A part of me hoped he would change. He hadn’t always been a monster. I was hoping he would go back to being the man I thought he was. But he never did.” She drew a deep breath and prepared herself for the worst memory of her marriage. “The night I lost the baby, David kicked me in the stomach for forgetting to wipe away the soap ooze from the guest bathroom. Neither of us had known I was pregnant at the time. I tried to tell myself that six weeks was barely pregnant but somehow no matter how often I tried to console myself with that, the pain didn’t lessen.”

“I don’t know what to say except that I’m so sorry,” Mona said, reaching across to grasp Morgan’s chilled fingers. “My mind is blown right now. How could I have missed this? Am I truly that self-absorbed?”

Morgan squeezed her sister’s hand. “You didn’t see it because I hid it very well from everyone. There was no way I could hold my head up high and admit that behind closed doors David was a mean, abusive bastard who hid behind a veneer of civility and was rotten to the core. I never told you because I didn’t want to ruin the ideal you had of him. In some small way I think I was trying to see him through your eyes, too, so I could survive. Not to mention, I was afraid that no one would believe me. You know how people felt about David. I didn’t want to take the risk of ruining everything I’d built so I suffered in silence.” Morgan lifted her gaze to Mona’s and said with complete honesty, “When he died, it was the happiest day of my life.”

Mona did nothing but stare, and Morgan knew how she felt. It was a disorienting shock to the system to discover something so heinous about someone you thought was beyond reproach. “I’m so sorry.”

A shaky smile found its way to Morgan’s mouth. “Don’t apologize. No one knows. Only Remy, and he only knows by accident. If I told people some of the terrible things David did, people would start questioning whether or not he died by accident. My practice would never survive. And so I’ve protected David’s lie, if only to protect myself.”

“Wow. I think for the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say. I wish I’d been there for you. I feel useless and helpless, even though he’s gone and can never hurt you again.” Mona’s gaze narrowed with rage. “If I’d known...I would’ve killed him.”

Morgan wiped away a tear that’d somehow escaped. “Which is why I never told you. You’re such a hothead, you would’ve done something that you would’ve regretted for the rest of your life. And besides, it was my problem, not yours. I didn’t want to bring that dysfunction into our family’s lives. I knew everyone would need to take sides, and I didn’t want that to happen, either. The night he died, it was an answer to a prayer.”

“Morgan, I’m so sorry.” A sigh of pain and sorrow rattled out of Mona, and Morgan caught a glimpse of the woman she could be. “You’ve always been so good to me. It breaks my heart that I was unable to be there for you in the way that you needed me. I know I’ve been a screwup for most of my life but I think real changes are coming, and I’m finally on the precipice of actually fulfilling what I feel is my destiny and I want you to grab on to happiness, too. You don’t need to worry about me anymore. I want you to worry about
you.
And if Wade makes you happy don’t let him get away. So what if he has a baby mama? Who doesn’t these days? If you love him, you can work around it.”

“I lied to him and said that I didn’t want kids. I sounded like a cold bitch.”

“So you tell him you overreacted. Besides, it’s woman’s prerogative to change your mind. If he cares for you, he’ll take you back.”

“What am I doing? I don’t even really know him. We’re not two silly teenagers running off to Vegas. We’re grown adults with careers and lives. Neither one would be possible to uproot. I’m not even sure why we should encourage this kind of relationship. It’s clearly doomed to fail.”