A Thursday Next Digital Collection: Novels 1-5 (190 page)

T
he darkness drifted away like morning mist, leaving us hovering above a slate gray sea with empty horizons in all directions. The sky was the same color as the sea and stretched across the heavens like a blanket, heavy and oppressive. A light breeze blew flecks of foam from the tops of the waves, and positioned not thirty feet below us was an old steamer of riveted construction. The vessel was making a leisurely pace through the waves, a trail of black smoke issuing languidly from her funnel and the stern trailing a creamy wake as the ship rose and fell in the seas.

“That'll be the
Auberon,
” I said, craning my neck to see if I could spot Captain Carver in the wheel house. I couldn't, so I asked Wirthlass to move closer and try to land the
Rover
on the aft hold cover so I could step aboard. She expertly moved the bus in behind the bridge and gently lowered it onto the boards, which creaked ominously under the weight. The door of the coach hissed opened, and a strong whiff of salty air mixed with coal smoke drifted in. I could feel the rhythmic thump of the engine and the swell of the ocean through the decking. I took my bag and stepped from the
Rover,
but I hadn't gone three paces when all of a sudden I realized there was something badly wrong. This ship wasn't the
Auberon,
and if that was the case, this book certainly wasn't
Dark and Stormy Night.

“Okay, we've got a problem,” I said, turning back to the
Rover
only to find Dr. Wirthlass standing in the doorway—holding a pistol and
smiling.

“
Ballocks,
” I muttered, which was about as succinct as I could be, given the sudden change of circumstance.

“Ballocks indeed,” replied Dr. Wirthlass. “We've waited over fifteen years for this moment.”

“Before now I'd always thought patience was a virtue,” I murmured, “not the secret weapon of the vengeful.”

She shook her head and smiled again. “You're
exactly
how he described you. An ardent moralist, a Goody Two-shoes, pathologically eager to do what's best and what's right.” She looked around at the ship, which heeled in the swell. “So this place is particularly apt—and the perfect place for you to spend the rest of your pitifully short life.”

“What do you want?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. With you trapped here, we have everything I want. We'll be off to the
Hesperus
now, Ms. Next—to find that recipe.”

“You know about the unscrambled eggs?” I asked, shocked at the sudden turn of events.

“We're Goliath,” she said simply, “and information is power. With the End of Time due tomorrow evening, it will be something of a challenge, but listen: I like a challenge, and I have the knowledge of your defeat to freshen my mind and make the task that much more enjoyable.”

“You'll never find it,” I said. “Longfellow is at the other end of the BookWorld, and Poetry is the place you'll discover—”

I checked myself. I wasn't helping these people, no matter how acute the perils.

“Discover what?” asked Wirthlass with a frown.

“Never mind.”

“We'll be fine,” she replied. “We just needed your expertise to make the initial jump. We're not
quite
so stupid as you think.”

I couldn't believe that I'd been hoodwinked by Goliath again. I had to hand it to them—this plan had been hatched and executed
beautifully
.

“How long have you known about the recipe?”

“That's just the weirdest thing of it.” Dr. Wirthlass smiled. “On the one hand, only a day, but on the other…over fifteen years.”

“Retrospective investment,” I whispered, suddenly understanding. In their desperation, the ChronoGuard was breaking every single rule they'd ever made.

“Right! The Star Chamber lost confidence in your son's ability to secure the future, so they called Lavoisier out of retirement to see if there weren't
other
avenues to explore. He approached John Henry yesterday at breakfast time to ask him if the long-abandoned Book Project could be brought up to speed. Since it couldn't, Lavoisier suggested that they restart the project fifteen years ago so it could be ready for the End of Time tomorrow evening. John Henry agreed with certain
conditions,
and I must say we only just made it.”

“This is something of a mindf**k,” I replied, with no possibility of understatement. “What does Goliath get out of it?”

“How do you think we survived being taken over by the Toast Marketing Board? Two days ago Goliath was just a bad memory, with John Henry in debtors' prison and me working for International Pencils. When you have friends in the time industry, anything is possible. The ChronoGuard will be willing to offer us almost untold patronage for the recipe to unscramble eggs and, with it, the secret to travel in time. And in return? A corporation allowed to speculate freely in
time
. Finally we will be able to bring our ‘big plan' to fruition.”

“And that plan is…?”

“To own…everything.”

“In a world with a Short Now?”

“Of course! With a compliant population only interested in the self and instant gratification, we can flog all manner of worthless crap as the ‘latest thing to have.' There'll be big profits, Next—and by subtly choosing from whom the Now is mined, the Long Now Überclass can sit back and enjoy the benefits that will be theirs and theirs alone.”

I stared at Wirthlass, wondering if I could rush her. It seemed doubtful, since I was at least ten feet away, and the two technicians still on board the
Rover
also looked as if they had weapons.

“Okay,” said the doctor, “we're all about done here. Enjoy your imprisonment. You'll know what it was like for my husband. Two years in “The Raven,” Next—
two years
. He still has nightmares, even today.”

“You're Jack Schitt's
wife
?”

She smiled again. “Now you're getting it. My full name is Dr. Anne Wirthlass-Schitt, but if you'd known, it might have been a bit of a giveaway, hmm? Bye-bye now.”

The door swung shut, the bell rang twice, there was a low hiss and the
Austen Rover
lifted off. They hovered for a moment and then slowly rotated, expertly missed the crane derrick, rose above the height of the funnel and then became long and drawn out like a piece of elastic before vanishing with a faint pop. I was left standing on the deck, biting my lip in frustration and anger. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. The reality book show of
The Bennets
wasn't due to start until tomorrow morning, so there was always hope. I looked around. The steamer rolled gently in the swell, the smoke drifted across the stern past the fluttering red ensign, and the beat of the engine echoed up through the steel deck. I knew I wasn't in
Dark and Stormy Night,
because the ship wasn't a rusty old tub held together by paint, but I was certainly
somewhere,
and somewhere was better than nowhere. It was only when I arrived there and was out of ideas, time and essential metabolic functions that I was going to give up.

 

I trotted up the companionway, ducked into the galley and made my way up the ladder to the bridge, where a boy not much older than Friday was holding the ship's wheel.

“Who's in command?” I asked, a bit breathless.

“Why,
you,
of course,” replied the lad.

“I'm not.”

“Then why are you a-wearin' the cap?”

I put up my hands to check, and strangely enough, I
was
wearing the captain's cap. I took it off and stared at it stupidly.

“What book is this?”

“No book I knows of, Cap'n. What be your orders?”

I looked out of the wheel house ahead but could see nothing except a gray sea meeting a gray sky. The light was soft and directionless, and for the first time I felt a shiver of dread. Something about this place was undeniably
creepy,
but I couldn't put my finger on it. I went to the navigation desk and looked at the chart. There was nothing on it but the pale blueness of open ocean, and a cursory look in the drawers of the desk told me that every chart was the same. What ever this place was, this was all there was of it. I had to assume I was somewhere in the Maritime genre, but a quick glance at my mobilefootnoterphone and the absence of any signal told me that I was several thousand volumes beyond our repeater station in the Hornblower series, and if that was the case, I was right on the periphery of the genre—as good as lost. I tapped my finger on the desk and thought hard. Panic was the mind killer, and I still had several hours to figure this out. If I was no further on in ten hours' time—
then
I could panic.

“What are your orders, Cap'n?” asked the lad at the wheel again.

“What's your name?”

“Baldwin.”

“I'm Thursday. Thursday Next.”

“Good to know you, Cap'n Next.”

“Have you heard my name? Or of Jurisfiction?”

He shook his head.

“Right. Tell me, Baldwin, do you know this ship well?”

“As well as I know meself,” he replied proudly.

“Is there a core-containment room?”

“Not that I knows of.”

So we weren't in a published work.

“How about a Storycode Engine anywhere on board?”

He frowned and looked confused. “There's an
ordinary
engine room. I don't know nuffin' 'bout no
Storycode
.”

I scratched my head. Without a Storycode Engine, we were either nonfiction or something in the oral tradition. Those were the upbeat possibilities: I might also be in a forgotten story, a dead writer's unrealized idea or even a handwritten short story stuck in a desk drawer somewhere—the dark reading matter.

“What year is this?”

“Spring of 1932, Cap'n.”

“And the purpose of this voyage?”

“Not for the likes of me to know, Cap'n.”

“But
something
must happen!”

“Oh, aye,” he said more confidently, “things most
definite
happen!”

“What sort of things?”

“
Difficult
things, Cap'n.”

As if in answer to his enigmatic comment, someone shouted my name. I walked out onto the port wing, where a man in a first officer's uniform was on the deck below. He was in his mid-fifties and looked vaguely cultured, but somehow out of place, as though his ser vice in the merchant navy had been to remove him from problems at home.

“Captain Next?” he said.

“Yes, sort of.”

“First Officer William Fitzwilliam at your ser vice, ma'am. We've got a problem with the passengers!”

“Can't you deal with it?”

“No, ma'am—
you're
the captain.”

I descended and met Fitzwilliam at the foot of the ladder. He led me into the paneled wardroom, where there were three people waiting for us. The first man was standing stiffly with his arms folded and looked aggrieved. He was well dressed in a black morning coat and wore a small pince-nez perched on the end of his nose. The other two were obviously man and wife. The woman was of an unhealthy pallor, had recently been crying and was being comforted by her husband, who every now and then shot an angry glance at the first man.

“I'm very busy,” I told them. “What's the problem here?”

“My name is Mr. Langdon,” said the married man, wringing his hands. “My wife, Louise, here suffers from Zachary's syndrome, and without the necessary medicine she will die.”

“I'm very sorry to hear that,” I said, “but what can I do?”

“That man has the medicine!” cried Langdon, pointing an accusatory finger at the man in the pince-nez. “Yet he refuses to sell it to me!”

“Is this true?”

“My name is Dr. Glister,” said the man, nodding politely. “I have the medicine, it is true, but the price is two thousand guineas, and Mr. and Mrs. Langdon have only a thousand guineas and not the capacity to borrow more!”

“Well,” I said to the doctor, “I think it would be a kindly gesture to lower the price, don't you?”

“I wish that I could,” replied Dr. Glister, “but this medicine cost me everything I possessed to develop. It destroyed my health and damaged my reputation. If I do not recoup my losses, I will be forced into ruin, my property will be repossessed, and my six children will become destitute. I am sympathetic to Mrs. Langdon's trouble, but this is a fiscal issue.”

“Listen,” I said to the Langdons, “it's not up to me. The medicine is Dr. Glister's property for him to dispose of as he wishes.”

“But she needs the medicine
now,
” pleaded Mr. Langdon. “If she doesn't get it, she will die. You are the captain on this ship and so have the ultimate authority. You
must
make the decision.”

I sighed. I had a lot more important things to deal with right now.

“Dr. Glister, give him the medicine for a thousand guineas. Mr. Langdon, you will work to repay Dr. Glister
no matter what.
Understand?”

“But my livelihood!” wailed Glister.

“I place Mrs. Langdon's
definite
death above the
possibility
of your penury, Dr. Glister.”

“But this is nothing short of theft!” he replied, outraged at my words. “And I have done nothing wrong—only discovered a cure for a fatal illness. I deserve better treatment than this!”

“You do, you're right. But I know nothing of you, nor the Langdons. My decision is based only on the saving of a life. Will you excuse me?”

Baldwin had called from the wheel house, and I quickly scooted up the stairs.