A Time to Gather (23 page)
“Since our mending.”
The tension fizzled. Her muscles relaxed. “We’ve come a long way.”
“An incredibly long way.”
She sighed. A short while before, when Max walked in the door after being gone all day, she’d received his bear hug. She’d felt great comfort in his return, but it also reignited anger.
So they withdrew to the master suite for privacy. Three hundred acres and it was the only place available to them
on a cold winter’s night. Claire knew she had to get used to that idea. The presence of Erik, Tuyen, and her in-laws was nothing compared to a dozen guests inhabiting the place. Maybe it was all a pipe dream, thinking she could grow into the role of matriarch and keeper of the safe harbor.
“Claire, what is it?”
“I wonder if I’ve bitten off too much. I know God is my safe harbor, but most of the time I still can’t grasp that as a reality. How can I run a retreat center? I’m at my wit’s end with the four people who are here right now, and they’re family!”
“What I heard you say was . . .” He smiled crookedly as he echoed the prescribed phrase that was supposed to help them communicate better. “I heard you say you’re scared. I heard you say we are a team and I let you down today. Did I get that right?”
Claire replayed his words. They wove themselves in and around her agitated emotions. Like gold embroidery floss they stitched and designed. Finally a pattern emerged. He understood.
She nodded.
“I am so sorry,” he said.
Again she nodded.
“Can I talk now?”
“Sure.”
“I had an awful day. Nothing went right. I wasn’t a help to anybody. I just got in their way, but I kept at it, not wanting to admit what a gutless wonder I was to leave here this morning.”
“Hm. Hm. This is when I have to keep my opinion to myself, right?”
“Yes, for now. For this exercise. I suspect you see things the same way.”
She smiled, but kept herself from bouncing up and down in ecstatic agreement that yes, indeed, he had behaved in a cowardly fashion. “Okay. What I heard you say was that you’re scared too.”
“How’s that?”
“You’re afraid to live in this emotional space where you can’t fix a thing. Where your dad is falling apart, your niece is crying for help, your son is a wreck, and house reconstruction moves at a snail’s pace.”
“I guess so, considering the mere mention of all that makes me shudder.”
“So, we’re both afraid. Fear is sin. It means we’re not trusting God. We should both confess it and move on.”
“Move on together.”
“Yes.”
He scooted across the love seat and took her hand. “You’re okay with a gutless wonder on your team?”
“Oh, Max. It beats a fool all puffed up with machismo.”
He tilted his head and peered at her through squinched eyes. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
She laughed until tears ran down her face. “Yes, Max. I love you just the way you are.”
T
he Saturday afternoon following the incident at the bar, Lexi grasped the fence-like guardrail that encased the back end of a pickup truck. With about a dozen other people she bounced along as the vehicle rumbled across rough terrain on its way toward a herd of giraffes at the Wild Animal Park.
Eyes shut, she leaned out from under the canopy, catching the warm winter sunshine full on her face, glad to have gotten a spot due to a last-minute cancellation.
Funny
, she thought. Zak had never gone on the Photo Caravan Tour with her. It was her most favorite thing to do, but he always declined. Why was that? She would watch a stupid helicopter circle around a lake with him, yet he would not visit a zoo or an art gallery with her.
It had been Rosie’s idea that she lose herself in some fun pastime. The overnight in the little guesthouse had not been all that restful. Comfortable as the tidy home was, and secure as Lexi felt with an alarm system and a cop not twenty yards away, she wrestled with thoughts of that ugly man chasing her.
He wasn’t ugly, not literally. The guy she had seen talking with Erik reminded her of her brother: Armani suit model material. Erik had him beat, though. Dumbo ears disrupted a perfect flow of tall, dark, and handsome in the man.
She now recalled Erik’s phone call a short while before. He’d reached her as she drove into the park’s lot.
“Are you home?” she asked in surprise. Cellular signals weren’t available at the hacienda.
“No.” His breathing was labored. “Just hiked up the north hill a ways until my phone worked.”
“You’re feeling stronger then.”
“Well, yes and no. It’s the best place to stash my stash, if you get my drift.”
“Erik.”
“Don’t feel bad, Lex. I’ve been dry for one entire week. A record. I foresaw an emergency last evening and offered to give Tuyen a driving lesson. We ran up to Santa Reina. She’s not bad behind the wheel.”
Pursuing the topic of alcohol abstinence would be like suggesting she fast for a month. No reason to go there. “What was the emergency?”
“Dinner with Max. Now, moving right along. Nana talked with Beth Russell, the fiancée. She took the news rather well, but didn’t commit to coming down from Seattle to meet the young ’un. I can’t imagine why she’d want to.”
Beth Russell and Uncle BJ and Tuyen were the furthest thing from Lexi’s mind. “I had an emergency of my own.”
She filled him in on the previous evening at the bar with Rosie and her partner. He didn’t comment and remained quiet for so long, she figured the signal was lost.
“Erik?”
“Brett came up here yesterday. He told me he and Felicia are in love. Deeply, truly, madly. Isn’t that a laugh? She hates baseball. He never wanted to hang around if she was anywhere in the vicinity.” He sighed. “Who knows? Maybe it’s true. In some bizarre way it stands to reason. I mean they’re both my best friends.
Were
. Oh, I don’t even care anymore. They deserve each other.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I know you are, Lex. And I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this. My opinion is that Rosie’s job is to be overly cautious. She had to warn you. End of story. There’s no reason why that imbecile would cause more trouble. He got his jollies by making a fool out of me. I don’t think that’s against the law. They couldn’t charge him with anything.”
“But to expose him would validate you.”
“You’re sounding like Jenna.”
“That’s not nice.”
He chuckled. “I’m not a nice person. There is no validation for me. Back to you. Are you scared?”
“N-no.”
“Alexis.”
She wrinkled her nose. “A little, maybe.”
“Come up here.”
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not. Nana and Papa move into their new house today. As of tonight, they won’t need the RV. You could sleep in it.”
“Still too close. How long are you staying?”
“Until that worried look on Mom’s face goes away or I get plastered enough not to be able to see it. I could leave today and you could stay with me.”
“I . . .” She hesitated. The time she’d spent with Rosie stood out in such a sharp contrast to her other relationships. There were no words to describe it, only a sense that she felt different with Rosie. She behaved differently with Rosie.
“Talk
to me.” His voice went soft.
“I-I don’t think we’re good for each other.”
“Youch!” He shouted, flippant tone back in full force. “That hurt!”
She bit her lip.
Erik laughed. “And bravo for saying it. You are absolutely right. Besides keeping each other company in our addictive behaviors, you’d trash my condo with your slew of paints and canvases.”
“Like it’s possible to trash your place?”
“Pot calling the kettle black.” He blew out a noisy breath. “Seriously, Lexi, that guy is long gone. Your family is toxic to you. We love you, but you don’t have to take care of us. Get on with your life. You’re cute and intelligent and incredibly talented. I’m here if you need me. All right?”
Now, as the breeze blew her hair from her face, she felt another rush of hope. It was okay that she and Erik shouldn’t spend much time together. The thing was he believed in her. It canceled Danny’s exit from the scene. It canceled Zak’s about-face.
And, to top it off, she was on a photo shoot at her favorite place in the world.
Maybe instead of endangered rhinos, she’d snap photos of giraffes. Maybe she’d even capture one in that precarious, most awesome of awesome milieus: a perfect balance of light and shadow, the condition that gave shape and tone to her paintings.
Maybe, just maybe, the world wasn’t such a bad place after all.
W
ow!” Rosie gazed over Lexi’s shoulder at a photo on her laptop computer. “I didn’t know giraffes were so gorgeous. This one has got to be female. Check out those eyelashes.”
“Pretty cool, huh?” Lexi smiled. “I think I’ll name her Gigi.”
“You can actually paint her?”
“Well, a version. It won’t look like a photograph.” Lexi eyed the policewoman. “I’ll start as soon as it’s safe for me to go home.”
Rosie leaned back in her chair at the table. Her typically assured demeanor kept slipping from her like a shawl that wouldn’t stay put. She’d come over to the guesthouse with a bowl of homemade salsa, a bag of tortilla chips, and vibes way beyond tense.
“Sorry, Lexi, nothing to report on that front. I vote we just give it a few days. Are you comfortable enough here?”
“Sure.” The small one-bedroom with its bright hues met her craving for physical safety. “I don’t want to put you out, though.”
“No worries. I’m fine next door. I’m making points with my dad too. He thinks I’ve finally taken his advice and made friends with a regular person, somebody who isn’t a cop or related to one.” She grimaced. “I pointed out to him that with a friend like me, you don’t need an enemy. Be that as it may, do you want go to a movie or something? Unless you have a date?”
Date. Right. In her dreams. “I don’t have a date. You don’t either?” Rosie shook her head. “I usually work on Saturday nights. Besides that, all my guy cop friends are either married or otherwise engaged. Anyway, if I don’t get my mind off things, I’ll go crazy.”
“Things like last night at the bar?”
“That and the fact that Bobby dragged me off to the shooting range today and the fact that it took me a good ten minutes to even pick up my gun.” She exhaled a loud breath. “They want me back on the street tomorrow night. My captain says time’s up. Or not-so-nice words to that effect.”
Lexi didn’t know how a female only a few years older than herself could do what Rosie did day in and day out as a police officer. Such courage and decisiveness were qualities Lexi had tasted of only once, the consequence of making it through the wildfire the previous fall. Rosie’s personality brought back the memory of what it had been like to live in that rare atmosphere of confidence. It whet her appetite to experience it again.
Maybe hanging out with Rosie could pave the way.
“Sorry, Lexi. I’m dumping on you.”
“Hey, what are friends for?” She smiled. “A movie sounds fun.”
B
y the time Rosie lost herself in an offbeat movie, consumed a large buttered popcorn and jumbo soda, and polished off half a Chicago-style deep-dish pizza with extra cheese, normalcy returned. The only downside to the process was the number of fat calories involved.
“Really?” she said to Lexi across from her in the booth. They were discussing the film. “Your dad was like the one in the movie?”
“Unavailable? Yes. Sometimes I think Erik got the worst of it. I mean, Max was there for him when he was little and then,
poof
, he wasn’t. For me, he just always wasn’t, at least not by the time I was old enough to notice. I never knew the difference.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know where I’d be without my dad being who he is.”
“But you lost your mom, you said.”
“That’s a different story.” She smiled. “Nobody has the perfect parental situation, huh? We all get thrown for a loop by one thing or another. I guess that’s what life is all about—finding our way through the loops, hopefully coming out better for the zigzaggy trip.”
“You obviously did.”
“You think?” Rosie’s smile fizzled. “My mom first got sick when I was sixteen. I was an okay kid up until then.
Hellion
best describes what came next. She died three years later. Somehow all that anger got me through college and into law school, until everything went south.”
“What happened?”
“I fell in love, which sounds on the surface like a good thing. But it was an unhealthy relationship and I knew it. I just couldn’t stop it. There was an ugly date rape. I was hospitalized. Then it was his word against mine and since his family was rich and powerful and white, his word counted. I believed I deserved my mother’s death and this guy’s treatment. I deserved to die.” She paused. “I wanted to kill myself.”
Lexi paled. “How did you get from there to here?”
“God. My dad. Father John, a wise old priest. Counselors. They never stopped loving me, never stopped praying. Eventually God helped me forgive the guy and my mom.”
“Your mom?”
“It sounds goofy, I know. It wasn’t her fault she died, but the end result was a major wound inside of me, something to let God heal.”
“How does that happen?”
“Slowly. By His power. Through prayer. I had to let it all go, over and over again.”
“My dad asked us to forgive him.”
Rosie felt her eyes bug out. “You’re kidding!”
“I don’t know why he did. There isn’t anything to forgive. I mean, he was just being a dad, working, supporting all of us. He didn’t abuse us. He just wasn’t around much. Big deal.”
“Lexi, don’t let him off the hook. His actions, whatever their cause, hurt you. They made you believe he rejected you, and nobody can feel good about themselves if Dad rejects them.” She shrugged. “Sorry. I’m preaching. Bad habit.”
“That’s okay. My mom and grandma do it all the time.” The seam between her brows said it wasn’t really okay.
Rosie bit the inside of her lip to stop the didactic stream of verbiage. But it was all so obvious! Erik and Lexi were bent on self-annihilation. Lexi’s chosen method might be more subtle than Erik’s, but it was not lost on Rosie. She easily recognized
the signs of an eating disorder.