A Walk In The Wilderness (42 page)

      A shock of fear went through her from head to foot.  His anger, she expected and could deal with.  Repentance, however, frightened her half to death.  She didn’t want to deal with it.  She was so afraid of her own weakness!

     “David, get up.  She insisted in a shaky voice.

    “I don’t blame you for going.  I know I deserved it, but I need you, Cait.  I know I’ve been an ass, but I’m finally … coming to my senses.  Don’t do this.  Please! Please, Caitlin.”

     “I have to, David.”  She said with a shaking voice.  “I have to protect myself.”

    He closed his eyes, and groaned. “Caitie.  Please.  It will be different.  I can’t undo the past, but … weren’t we happy until … until …”

    “Yes.  A long time ago.  But I think I’ve seen the real you, David, at long last.  And I’m not willing to live with the real you.  It hurts too much.  I’m sorry.”

     A pain went through his heart that he thought might kill him.

     She pulled her hands from his, and turned to open the door again.

    “Can you tell me that you don’t love me anymore?” he asked in a whisper.

    She froze.  It took her a moment to gather her whirling thoughts, and respond.   “It doesn’t seem to matter if I love you or not, David.  You are going to do whatever you want to do, and my love doesn’t seem to matter to you.”  She crossed her arms, but couldn’t turn to look at him.  It hurt, so much.

    “But, it does.”  He assured her.  He looked up at her, with tears streaming down his face.  “It does matter -- to me.  I love you, Cait.  I won’t ever love anyone else.  I waited so long for you to come into my life.  If I lose you …”

    Caitlin suddenly had a very clear vision of a memory she'd pushed out of her heart; of hearing David praying, the night they met.  Asking God for
‘her’
to come into his life.  And
how
He had answered!  It hurt so very much, to remember.

    “Well.  Perhaps you forgot all that, for a time.” She suggested sadly.  “And if it were just you and I in our bed, David, perhaps I could consider trying.  But when you let someone else in, all consideration went out the window. That, I cannot abide.”

    He stood up, and grasped her by the shoulders.  “What are you talking about?  I don’t understand.” He whispered.  He was frightened to his core, and so confused.

   She snorted under her breath, and finally turned to meet his gaze, with blazing eyes.   “I know all about it, David.  You don’t have to pretend.  I know in my heart.”

    “What?  You know
what
?”  he asked in bewilderment.

    “You don’t need me to spell it out for you!  And don’t think me naive enough to buy into any excuses.  I’m no fool, I know how men think!  Even my uncle William had his way with women, whenever he chose.  It’s just the way of things, isn’t it?  Men have their little indiscretions and women are just supposed to look the other way?  Is that how it goes?   David, I loved you with all my heart!  But it’s over.”  she said emphatically.

     He opened his mouth to say something, but he had no idea what to say.  She gave him a searing look, and went out the door.

   He followed, and swung her around.  “Caitlin, please.  Don’t make me manhandle you in public.  Please.  Come back in the room and stay, until we both understand this. 
Please
.”  He said again.  Tears kept rolling down his cheeks.

      She sighed, and closed her teeth together. 

     “Please?” he asked again, quietly.  He released her reluctantly, and she  went back into the room with him.  He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair.  “Thank you.  Please explain to me now, exactly what it is you’re saying.  What am I accused of?”

   She sat in the chair, and crossed her legs.  “Infidelity.” She said bluntly.  “Sleeping with another woman.  Abandonment.  That pretty much sums up my complaint.”

     He sat abruptly on the bed.  He wasn’t looking at her.   It was hard for him to find his voice.  He'd thought he was prepared for anything.  But not this!  “Abandonment, I can understand.  I can’t say anything to explain it, except that I’m sorry.  I didn’t know how to deal with everything, and I didn’t want to hurt you.  I just stayed to myself until I could come to grips with it.  But – infidelity?  Surely you don’t seriously…”

     “Stop it!” She hissed. 

      He looked at her, in amazement. 

      “Just stop the innocent act! I
know
, David.”

    He shook his head, looking her directly in the eyes.  “Then you know more than I do.  What in the name of God are you talking about?”

     She was furious.  “Don’t!”  she snapped.  “Don’t make me spell it out in all the sordid little words I’d have to find!  So, you needed someone else.  Whatever.  I just don’t happen to be the kind of woman who can look the other way.  David, I trusted you.  I loved you, so much!  You were my world.  I never would have thought you’d do such a thing.  When I was pregnant, when I was home waiting, trusting you!  When I thought you were mine…”  Tears choked her, and she covered her face with her hands.

     David knelt in front of her.  “Caitlin.”  He said gently.  “I was yours then, I still am.  I don’t know who’s filled your head with lies, but I would never …
never
do that to you.  I didn’t do anything with anyone … in such a way.  Before you came along, or after.   It’s just not true!  If I were that kind of man, I’d have taken you earlier.  You know that.  For heaven’s sake, it was all I could do, to wait for you.” 

    “Caitie, I know I let you down, darling.  But not in that way.  And I promise you, if you will just come home ... you need never fear that I would ever even
think
about such a thing.  You are the love of my life.  I need you.  You were never … a disappointment.  You are all I ever wanted.”

     ”I wish I could believe that.”  She said, weeping into her hands.

   “You can take it to the bank, Caitlin.  Look at me, and tell me whatever possessed you to think I would betray you that way?”

   She sniffed and dried her tears, but they came back immediately.  She covered her mouth with trembling fingers.   “Linda Landry.  Does that enlighten you?” she managed to say.

      David closed his eyes in acknowledgment, and his face lost all color. 

    The look on his face plunged the knife into Caitlin’s heart all over again.  He
had
done it!

    He slowly shook his head.  “I never let myself be alone with another woman until that night, for this very reason.  Honey, I had no idea she was thinking such things.  I would never have agreed to drive her home.”

    “But you did.”  She pointed out tearfully.

    “Yes, I did.  I thought that a ride home was all she wanted.  I should have seen the signs, but I wasn’t looking for them.  We had done a long tour together, and she had never been anything but correct.  I was distracted, I was so worried about you, and so happily married, I’d just kind of forgotten that things could go so wrong, so easily.”

     She looked him in the eyes, her torment piercing his heart.  “How could you do such a thing?”  she blurted. “How could you just forget me, and hurt me that way?”

    He shook his head, and gave a heavy sigh.  “I didn’t forget you for one moment of
any
day, Cait.  And I certainly never meant to hurt you!  What, did someone take a picture of her kissing me, or what?  Who sent you the photos?”

      She looked at him aghast, in anguish.  “No!  I heard her talking to you on the phone!  Telling you how wonderful you were together, telling you she’d keep her hands to herself this time!  How
could
you?” she dissolved into tears.

     “Caitlin, it was just a kiss!  I stopped her when I got over the shock, but honey, I did not see it coming.  Anyway, it was just … a kiss.” He floundered incredulously.

     She looked at him.  He was looking into her eyes, bewildered and uncertain.  “I would have prevented it if I could, but I just didn’t know it was coming.  I pushed her away as soon as I gathered my wits!  “When she said we were wonderful together, she meant as a touring team, believe me.  She had nothing else to refer to.  And when she said she would keep her hands to herself, it’s because she knew I’d never consider working with her again, if she didn't promise that.  Linda was not even a temptation to me.  She’s pretty, but she’s no substitute for you.  Not
even
for a kiss.”

    She looked at him.  He was looking directly into her eyes, and she saw no deceit there. 

     “Honey, I can’t prove a thing, but please, believe me.  I’m man enough to do without sex for a few weeks while I’m on tour.  And nobody will ever convince me to jeopardize what
we
have, for
any
reason.  I couldn’t live with the memory of such a thing, so how could I expect you to?”

      She looked at his precious lips, thinking of Linda kissing him.  She couldn’t envision it.  But if that were the case; if it had only been a kiss, then?  Then, he hadn’t.  Perhaps he really hadn't...

     “Can you believe me, Caitlin?  I’ll call Linda and ask her to explain it to you.  What really happened.  I think she’ll be embarrassed, but she’ll likely do it.”

      “No.  I … I guess that knowing how long it took you to kiss me, would tell me the story on that.  If anyone kissed anyone, I’m sure she kissed you.”  She answered numbly.

     David sighed.  “You’re so right.”  He assured her.  “Thank you for believing it.”

      She looked at him honestly.  “David, I’ve been a bit of a fool, haven’t I?”

     He took her hands.  “No.  Not at all. I think I can completely understand why you thought … what you thought.”

      “Tell  me, please. Exactly how it happened.  Where were you?”

      “I took her home one night, because her apartment was on the way. She said she wasn’t feeling all that well.   We were back in New York, and the tour was almost at an end.  You were home by then from the hospital, but still not doing well.  I stopped the car in front of her apartment.  She said she was lonely.  She asked me to come up;  I said no.  She said that she wasn’t expecting anything, she was just lonely.  That we were both married, and no one needed to know.  She just thought it would be nice;  if I’d come up and … well.  Then she grabbed my neck, and kissed me.”

   “I was petrified that someone might be watching, taking pictures of us, or something.  I was so shocked, I didn’t know quite what to think.  Then, I put her away from me.  I asked her to go.  She said she was sorry.  And she got out of the car and went inside. That was it.”

     Caitlin absorbed the information slowly, trying to come to grips with it all.  “Did you want to?”  she asked darkly.

     “What?  Make love to her?  No!”  he denied immediately.  “I didn’t even find her kiss tantalizing.  I was worried sick about you, honey.  Taking solace in her arms was the last thing on my mind.  I only wanted to get home to you.”  He said.  He had to choke back tears. 

     “And when I got home, I found you so ill; and my mother told me she was about to die.  I can’t apologize enough, honey, I just went into a very deep depression.  I even came to the point where I took out …”  He stopped.  He couldn’t bear the humiliation of telling her.

      “Took out what?”

     He shook his head.  “I felt that I had nothing to live for.  That it was all too overwhelming.  That I'd be better off ...”  He had to tell her – no matter how humiliating it was.  “Dead.” he finally admitted.

    “Then I put that thought away from me, and went to the Bible.  I knew in that moment that I owed God more loyalty than that, that he would heal my mother if I renewed my faith, and took the thing by the heels.” 

     “I discharged the nurse. I knew the nurse would be in the way of Mother’s believing she could be well.  I took care of her, myself.  She’s going to be fine, but she really let me have it when she found out you were gone.  She knew it had to be my fault.”

      Hope began to slowly dawn in Caitlin’s heart.  “David, do you still love me?”  she asked quietly.

      “I do, Caitlin.  With all my heart.  That’s why I’m here on my knees, begging you to come home.  I love you, and I need you.  I always will.  I’m sorry I was such an ass when I came home.  I don’t have any explanations, except that it was such a shock. I didn’t mean to hurt you.  Ever.” 

     “I was very hurt that you wouldn’t tell me the baby was in danger; and when I found out you’d kept mother’s condition from me as well, it was too much, all at once.  I’ve never been faced with so much at one time.  My home life has been very peaceful and uneventful, especially after we recovered from losing my father.” 

      “We’d gone on that way for so many years, happy together.  And then, all of a sudden, there was no solace at home, and my trust in you was shaken, and I found out so suddenly that I was losing my mother.  I just was sent reeling.  I needed some time, that’s all.  That’s all I ever asked you for, Caitlin.”

       A slender hand reached out to touch his hair, gingerly.

     He looked up at her bleakly.  She leaned over and put her arms around his shoulders with a gentleness that cut his heart open.  He pulled her into his arms, and held her tightly. 

    “I’ll never take you for granted again, Cait.  I promise.  Please, just come home.”

     “There is nowhere else I’d rather be, David.”  She admitted with a trembling laugh.  “Trust me.”

      “Mrs. Thomas?” Caitlin said gently, peering into the kitchen.

      “Out here, darling.” She called from the back porch.

      “Oh, here you are.”  Caitlin said with a smile.  “I, um.  I wanted to tell you that I’ve enjoyed working for you, but things have quite unexpectedly changed for me.”