A Will To Change (Hope) (32 page)

Gabby xo

Damn it! Why did I have to fly off the handle and fuck everything up? Not to mention the way I treated Gabby all because I couldn’t deal with watching her and Peterson together.

I took a quick shower, trying to sober up and calm myself down a bit. When I stepped out and looked in the mirror, I noticed my eye swelling up. Peterson snuck in a shot when I wasn’t looking and got me on the eye pretty good. I dried off quickly and threw on my pants. I wanted to get some ice on it before it got any worse. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that he had gotten the best of me. I went into the kitchen and wrapped some ice in a towel. Relief washed over me when I heard the keys jingling in the door. Gabby wasn’t spending the night with him after all.

“What the hell is your problem?!” she asked, slamming the door behind her. I stood up against the kitchen counter, staring blankly into space as she came toward me. “What is it, Will? You don't want me, but no one else can have me, either?” I didn't want to get into it with her so I tried to walk past her, but she wouldn't allow it. She pushed me as hard as she could. “Fuck you, Will!” she screamed with tear-filled eyes.

I grabbed her by the wrists and pushed her up against the wall. Everything inside of me wanted her as I sucked in the sweet smell of vanilla and looked her over. Her heart was beating a mile a minute as I pressed my chest against hers. “What do you want, Gabby? You want to be added to a long list of women that don't mean shit to me? Is that what you want? Is that all you want to be? If so, just say the word.”

She grabbed my face and pulled my head down to hers, kissing me as hard as she could. I jerked her body into mine, placing my hands on her ass. Our tongues intertwined and I couldn’t wait to use it to explore every single part of her beautiful body. She tasted like the peppermint gum that she was always chewing. My dick began to throb even harder for her as she ran her hands up and down my back. Picking her up, I placed her on the counter, lifting her shirt over her head and quickly removing her bra. I stared down at her tits, taking in everything about them. They were perfect. So much smaller than I was used to, but they were beautiful and perfectly fitting for Gabby. I teased her nipple with my tongue before gently taking it in my mouth, sucking and grazing it with my teeth.

She threw her head back against the cabinet and ran her hands through my hair. “Oh, my god, Will. I need you so bad. I need you to fuck me.”

I lifted my head and looked into her pleading eyes. I knew she wanted me, and there was nothing that I wanted more than to make her happy and give her whatever she wanted. But I wasn’t going to “fuck” her. That was something I did with women that I didn’t care about.

I removed my hands from her waist and pulled it together. “I can’t, Gabby.” The pain that washed over her face tore me up inside. “You deserve so much better than this.”

“Well, maybe I don't want better.”

“Geez, Gabby. What is with you? First, you're with that fuckin’ asshole that treated you like shit, then Peterson, and now me. Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?”

“I don't know, maybe for the same reason that
you
have such a low opinion of yourself.”

I pushed her hair from her face and stared into her sad, dark eyes. “Gabby, I have sex with women to fill some kind of void in my life. It's meaningless. Those women mean nothing to me and I mean nothing to them. I care too much about you to have you become one of them.”

“Why do I have to become one of them? Why can't I be different? Damn it, Will. Why can’t you see that I’d rather have you for one night and risk losing you forever than never have you at all?”

“I can’t, Gabby. I can’t take the chance of ever losing you. I care about you too damn much and I need you in my life. I know me. I know that if I sleep with you tonight, I would end up doing something to screw it up between the two of us.”

Her eyes filled with tears. She bit her lip and looked away. “You know, I don’t know what’s more fucked up. Your screwed up way of thinking, or the fact that I continue to subject myself to it.” She slid down from the counter and picked up her shirt and bra from the floor. “Sometimes I really hate you, Will.” She stared up into my eyes and my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. The tears began to roll down her face. She pushed past me and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

I shook my head in frustration. I wanted her so bad. My body had been aching for her for months and I could have just had her. She was offering all of herself to me tonight and, instead of giving into what we both wanted more than anything, I hurt her. That was the
last
thing that I wanted to do. I stood silently in the kitchen before taking my anger out on the kitchen cabinet, punching a hole straight through it.

I rolled over in bed, not wanting to get up. I wasn’t ready to face Will after last night. I was still so angry with him for what he had done to Brian. Not to mention that I felt like a complete fool for seeming so desperate with him last night. But the truth was, I
was
desperate. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I had fallen in love with my best friend. I quickly sat up in bed when I heard a knock on my door. Will slowly entered with a cup of coffee in his hand.  He sat down on my bed, placing the cup on my nightstand.

“I'm sorry about last night.”

“Yeah, okay.” I replied as I tried to get out of bed, but he pushed me back down.

“I need you to just listen to me, Gabby. You deserve so much better than me.” He pushed my hair from my face and stared into my eyes.

“I get it, Will. I’m not as glamorous as all of the women you’re used to being with. God, I feel like such an idiot for even thinking that someone like you would want someone like me.”

His eyes widened and he shook his head. “Oh, Gabby, you are so wrong about that. You are one hundred times more beautiful than all of those women combined. I want you more than I've ever wanted any other girl in my entire life. But, for once in my life, I'm putting someone else's feelings over my own wants. You really have no clue how much you mean to me, do you?   Gabby, you came into my life and I haven't been the same since. You're the one person that I feel like I can tell anything to. I’ve never had that with anyone in my life.” The tears were forming in her eyes. “I'm so sorry about last night, Gabby, but the thought of him -.” He stopped himself. “I'm so fucked up for being jealous, but I am.”

“I didn't sleep with him, Will. I just said that because I was angry and hurt over what I walked in on last night, even though I know I had no right to be.”

“I'm sorry, Gabby.” He wrapped his strong, muscular arms around me, and I buried my head into his chest as the tears rolled down my face. He would never be mine, not in the way that I wanted him to be, and I wasn't sure how much longer my heart could handle being around him each day knowing this.

I looked straight ahead and took a deep breath. “Fine, Will. I will accept your screwed up way of thinking. If that’s the way it needs to be between us then fine. I understand that you feel this need to protect me, but I'm a big girl. I’m a thirty-one year old woman and, despite this Virgin Mary image that you have of me, I
have
had sex before. I really like Brian. He makes me laugh. Not in the same way that you do, but I have a lot of fun when I'm with him. I can handle him. I don't need you coming to my rescue.”

He ran his hand through his hair and looked straight ahead. I knew he didn’t like it, but that was too bad. He was going to have to accept it. He had just made it very clear to me that we were friends and that’s all we ever would be. So he had no right to tell me who I could and could not date. 

“Okay. I promise I won't interfere anymore. But I'm telling you, Gabby. He better keep his mouth shut around me about any of the details because I can't promise that I won't knock him on his ass again if he doesn’t.”

I sighed heavily and shook my head, trying once again to get up from bed. He took my hand and pulled me back down. He caressed his hand over my face and my stomach fluttered, thinking for one brief moment that he was going to kiss me. Instead, he pressed his forehead to mine. “Promise me that no matter what happens, you'll always be
my
Gabby girl.”

I felt the burning surge of tears rushing to my eyes. I didn't want to be just
Gabby girl.
I wanted to be
Will's girl,
but since I knew that was never going to happen, I nodded in agreement. “I promise,” I whispered.

Will was already gone when I got out of the shower. I knew that he was off today. Normally, he would tell me his plans for the day, but he didn't say a word this morning. Things were definitely different between us now, and even though we didn't officially cross that line last night, we both had let our guard down and it would never be the same again. Will knew how I felt about him now and he would always feel as if he had to watch what he said in front of me. I hated that. I wanted to know that we could still talk to each other as friends about anything and not fear that the other would get hurt or jealous by it. But it was too late for that now. God, I was so stupid for telling him my true feelings. I felt as if I lost him, even though we didn't sleep together.

There was a slow ache in my chest every time I thought about moving on without him in my life. He was all I had and, over these past months, he had become my best friend, my rock,
my entire world
. I sat on my bed wrapped in a towel, reaching deep inside for the answer to the question that plagued my thoughts…What do you do when your entire world comes crashing down?