A Woman Gone Mad (28 page)

Allen, I am trying so damn hard to keep all the pieces together, but I swear it seems like the glue is never set when something comes along and rocks us, shattering our lives again. I don’t want my birthday to come this year. I want all events and days to stop. But they won’t stop. They just keep coming.

And this damn pain I feel is a pain like none other. I never knew someone could feel pain like this. Not only my heart hurts, but my stomach, my legs and arms, my back, my head, and hands hurt.

I wonder sometimes if this is just a broken heart or if my heart has been broken so many times that this last break went straight through and splintered my soul and spirit.

I can’t talk to you anymore, Allen. You never talk back. You did the first couple of days, but you haven’t as the days have gone by and more time passes. I swear I think I can feel you sometimes, but as quickly as I feel you, you disappear.

Allen, did I mean enough to you to come and see me, check on me, let me feel you and know without a shadow of a doubt that you are here by your sister’s side?

I love you so much, Allen. I think of you every second. I’m going to try very hard to take care of Momma and Daddy, but you’ve got to help me, I can’t do this alone. I have never, ever been this alone before. Allen, please don’t leave me alone with this. I need you. Please…

I love you always and forever, my best friend, ~Lil

A
fter Allen’s death, my life irrevocably changed—regretfully for the worse. Things at home were okay, but that was because I seemed to be the only family member left. Nick was hardly ever at home, always away on business—yeah fucking right. And Bella would rather stay at my in-laws’ than be in this big, quiet, depressing house.

A new voice took over Lilly’s spot in my head. Lilith was very different from Lilly. She was a very dominant force, one that I was in no shape to go against. She didn’t bitch and complain or ask me to do things. She told me, and I did it.

I did it for several reasons. First, I wasn’t mentally or physically strong enough to care or question her, and second, she made sense. She also helped build walls around myself so the pain didn’t hurt as much.

When she told me when to put the tumbler of bourbon down and go to bed, she did so to make sure I didn’t wake up with a headache. Yet I was still drunk enough to numb the pain and disappointment of what my life had become.

An internal switch inside me was also flipped. This switch had a name. It was called
Fuck It.

My job wasn’t as rewarding as it once was, and when I left at work night, instead of feeling happy and excited about the deliveries I’d assisted in, I was pissed and emotionally exhausted because of the damn politics. Come to find out, that unit was exactly like high school. You let a woman in charge who regrets not being the high school prom queen and there you have it. High school in the workplace, except everyone is now thirty and forty years old.

So when all of that shit at work revealed itself to me, my
Fuck it
switched flipped. I was too old for high school anyway. So… I quit.

To help the days pass by, I shopped like a maniac for clothes and stuff for the house. I redecorated my office, my bedroom, the living and dining room, the kitchen, and Bella’s bedroom.

This morning I wake up with every intention of doing some laundry after organizing my closet. However, my attention diverts as I walk past the fireplace and a memory hits me.

I told Nick when we first started building the house that my dream was to have a fireplace that had two sides, one side in the living room and one in the master bedroom. And the only thing I got was a wall in the master bedroom that had a fireplace on the other side of it.

Walking over to set the laundry basket on the coffee table, I sit down next to it and study the fireplace. I walk around to the other side of the wall in my bedroom and begin knocking on the wall. Huh… It’s hollow there. No studs. My fireplace is just on the other side of this wall…

After digging through the tool shed for about thirty minutes, I’m now standing in my bedroom with Nick’s sledgehammer in my right hand and I’m more excited than I’ve felt in years!

“Let it fly, sister. Let that sledgehammer fly. You want your fireplace? Then get it, Lillian.”

I think I fucking will…
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Sheetrock and drywall are flying, littering the carpet. Dust is falling over every surface in the room, and with each slam, I feel more and more alive. And before I know it, the entire wall in my bedroom is gone. Nothing but studs and the living room drywall are visible. Oh, and the back of my fireplace too.

I have my hair up in its signature messy bun, and I’m wearing some of my comfy blue jeans and a cami with a fitted flannel shirt over it left unbuttoned. I have sheetrock dust smudged on my face from my hammer session, but I don’t really give a fuck because I’m in Home Depot, and I’m supposed to look like this, right?

I talk to one of the guys who works near the fireplaces, give him a rundown of my renovation process, and ask what I need to do next. The poor guy is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. And hell, I can’t argue that. It is still yet to be determined…by a professional.

“So now what do I do?”
Come on, asshole. I know, okay? I took a sledgehammer to my bedroom wall. Get over it and help me out here.

“Ma’am, I don’t…” Is he stuttering? Jesus Christ, he is! “Ma’am, I- I- I-… I d-don’t know w-what t-to t-tell you.”

“Okay, well, find me someone who does, please.
Sir
.”

“I’m pretty sure that I can help ya out there, firecracker.”

Holy mother of God. Holy mother of God.
Holy Mother of God. No…it can’t be!

His voice runs through me the motherfucking river of Nile and I’ve been so dry of emotions, of feeling anything for so long, that I briefly fear he may drown me. Like when there’s been a drought for so long and the people beg and pray for rain so hard, and when it comes, when it finally comes, it starts but doesn’t stop. And before you know it there are floods and disaster left in its wake.

I’m still, so still… I’m afraid if I move he’ll vanish again and leave me behind. He still comes into my dreams, even after all these years. I do manage to push him from my mind during the day with Lilly’s insistence, but he always came back to me in my dreams. He also always left me in the morning.

“Lil? You gonna turn around and let me see those baby blues?”

Fuck, I missed his voice.
I missed it so much that tears flood my eyes and stream down my face and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop them.

He moves his body in front of me but I keep my gaze averted down, hoping my hair will shield my tears. Then I could care less because Leo’s huge warm hands cup both sides of my face as his thumbs sweep my tears away.

“Aww… Baby, don’t cry. Please don’t cry…shh.” His massive arms slide around the top of my shoulders and I let my body sag against his.
Shit, he smells so good.
“’Kay?”
He smells just like my Leo. Holy fuck I can’t believe it, it really is him.

“Mmm sorry… I don’t know why… I didn’t mean to cry. It’s just—”

“You missed me? Missed me so much it brought tears to your eyes, baby?” His voice is so much more rugged than it was when we we’re kids. It reverberates through me, and immediately heat coils low in my belly. I have to close my eyes so he doesn’t see them rolling back into my head.

“Sure. We’ll roll with that answer.” Because I really don’t even know what to say. What does a woman say when she falls back into the path of the man she’s loved for over twenty years?. I realize I’m tugging on my bottom lip when I look up and see him watching my mouth.

He coughs before his dark blue eyes flash to mine. “Hey, you.”

“Hey.” I guess that’s all she can say.

His warm hands are still holding my face. His eyes look over my shoulder to Mr. Stutter. “I’ll take care of her problem, kid.” Looking back down at me, he nods toward the exit. “Let’s get out of here, go get some lunch.”

“Leo, I’m married, I… We have a child. I can’t go to lunch with you.”

“Well, I ain’t askin’ you to bed. I just want to eat, not fuck.” His smirk ignites old familiar tingles inside me. I’m also ready to kick his ass, but I want to kiss the hell out of him more. “Well, not yet.” Winking at me and sliding an arm around the top of my shoulders, we make our way out of the store. “Besides, I gotta know what in the hell you were thinking when you took a sledgehammer to your entire bedroom wall because you wanted a fireplace, baby.”

He drives us to a Mexican restaurant on the outskirts of downtown that I’ve never been to before. I love Mexican, but it always gets voted out by Nick and Bella. I feel giddy with excitement. I know it’s sad, but I do… And I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with the Mexican restaurant.

He pulls into a parking spot. “Still like Mexican, Lil?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Good girl. Come on.” I hop out of his truck and we head into the restaurant. There is this cool little tortilla factory right when we walk in. It’s enclosed in three glass walls so you can watch them make the tortillas. I’m fascinated by it, all the machines, watching the tortillas go from the mixing bowls to the tortilla cooker.

We sit at a table for two in a dark corner, and after the waiter drops off our margaritas, Leo starts. “Sledgehammer, firecracker? Really?”

“Yep. Really. I asked for a dual-sided fireplace between the living room and the master bedroom when we were talking about building the house. He thought it was a great idea,” I sigh. “However, like all my great ideas for that house, it too wasn’t a necessity, until I decided differently today.”

His chuckle makes goose bumps rise on my skin. “So you just plowed that bitch down with a sledgehammer, huh, baby?”

“I did.” I deadpan. “Don’t call me baby again, Leo, or I’ll also plow your balls with the toe of my boot. Do you understand me?”

Laughter bursts from him, and fuck me, he looks eighteen. And it makes me feel sixteen all over again. Then his twinkling dark blue eyes come back to mine as his blond hair falls down over his brow, and it takes every fiber of my being not to fly over this table and eat him instead of these chips and salsa.

“I hear ya, firecracker. I hear ya.” I take a gulp of my margarita, which is actually half of it. “So, what’s up? I took over Gramps’s fireplace and pool company when he died. I mean, now I’m in an office downtown, but after we… Anyway, I started there from the bottom and worked my way to the top, so I know what I’m doing. If you want, I can come by and take a look, do some measurements, and get a dual-sided fireplace ordered and installed for you.” He winks. “At a discounted price, too.”

“Hold up, Romeo. After we what? We”—I gesture between us—“didn’t do anything. You took off to never be seen again.
You
left
me
alone and in the deepest, darkest depression I’ve
ever
experienced in my life. So please, do tell. After
WE
what?”

Pain and confusion flash across his face right before his eyes widen. “Fuck, you never knew did you? They never told you…” He rakes his hands through his hair, making blond spikes stand up on end. Then he stops with his head bent down, only being held up by the fists in his hair and his elbows on the table in front of him. “Holy fucking shit.” His eyes slowly come up to mine, and all I see in them is wretched heart-aching pain. “All this time and they never told you.”

“Never told me wha—” The memory fits me like a fucking Mack truck.

Allen and me at the party. The party where I met Nick. The house on the lake…
“I know, Lil. I know. He isn’t there anymore though. No one’s seen him since, well…since
that
night.”

I remember not knowing what Allen was talking about.

“Allen, how do you…. What do you mean, Allen?”

“Later, okay? I was just so glad that that asshole was out of the picture. You weren’t asking, and nobody else was talking, so I just left it alone. We’ll talk about it later sis.”

Only later never happened, because I met Nick and never thought about what Allen had said that night again. Not until now.

Looking at him, completely puzzled, I whisper, “Leo, what happened?” I grab his fists from his hair and cradle them with mine on the table. “Please… Tell me what happened,” I plead.

“The day after our date on the lake…” He inhales deep and lets it slowly out. “I was cleaning out the shed. I’d been workin’ on it all day, since seven that morning. Anyway, the sun had just set and I was carrying the last box around the house when I saw your dad pull up—or skid to a stop in the driveway, rather.” Leo takes a gulp of water, sets his glass back on the table, and looks me in my eyes. “I dropped the box when I saw him. I knew he was pissed. Then the next thing I knew, my head was cracking open on the driveway and he had a gun halfway down my throat. He cocked the gun and told me,
‘If you ever come near my daughter again, statutory rape charges won’t be your problem. As a matter of fact, you won’t have any problems at all. Because the next time my nine millimeter is in your mouth, I won’t just be putting a bullet in the chamber, I’ll put a bullet in your head.’
Then he told me to get the fuck out of town and said you didn’t want my trashy ass anymore and if I ever called or tried to contact you again he’d send you away and me to jail. So that night I packed up my shit and moved down south to live with Gramps.”