A Woman Gone Mad (25 page)

Bella’s birthday comes and goes, days turn into months, months turn into years, and before I know, it’s 2002. Nick has already graduated and passed his bar exam, Bella is six years old already, and today I’m walking across the stage, accepting my college diploma with Nick, Bella, Mom, Dad, and Allen cheering so loud my face turns red from blushing.

We go eat at a very nice seafood restaurant afterward, and I’m stuffed when we get home. I don’t want to do anything but go crawl in my bed and pass out.

“Nick, tend to Bella for me tonight. I’m so exhausted.”

“I sure will, my little sexy nurse.” He has Bella passed out in his arms as he heads towards her room.

“Ha ha. Not quite yet. I still have to start my new job
and
pass the NCLEX before we can start calling me a nurse.”

I’m in bed and almost asleep when Nick comes in after his nightly routine, and apparently he’s feeling lucky. He goes in really slow, kissing here and there. He then starts in on my erogenous zones but I’m not in the mood.

“Nick, not tonight. I’m tired and I’ve eaten so much I feel like a house.”

“Come on, baby. You’re always in the mood.”

His lips and teeth continue. When they start heading south, I pull his face up to mine.

“Not in the mood, Nick. I’m tired, today has been exhausting, and now I’m going to sleep.”

“Okay, baby. Sorry… I just thought that maybe I could change your mind.” I roll over to face away from him when I hear him huff. Then the TV comes on with Fox Sports turned down low. Nick’s hand slides down my arm then squeezes my hand. “Night, Lillian.”

“Night.”

A few weeks later, I start my new job and I
love
it! It’s so freaking bad ass! Denise, the nurse who delivered Bella, is the nurse in charge of training me. She doesn’t seem to remember my delivery, and my name isn’t ringing any bells, but after the first few weeks of training me, it hits her. “Oh yeah! LDR 3, now I remember you. You came in like seven centimeters and SROM’d.” That means my water broke on its own.

“Yep, that was me.” I’m not sure why, but I’m stoked when she finally remembers me.

It’s so easy to get along with everyone, and all of the nurses and doctors I work with are friendly. The nurses are very patient with me, and I treasure every single pearl of wisdom they give me.

Before I know it, I’ve finished my orientation and passed my NCLEX. I’m a real nurse!

My new job gives me a great feeling of accomplishment. Every delivery is different but just as rewarding. I’ve also made a few new friends, which is really cool. Besides Amy, I’ve never had any girlfriends. Our husbands, jobs, and children give me and the other nurses a lot in common, and that makes it exciting to go to work every morning. They end up becoming my family away from my family. I was ecstatic when I found out that Teresa and Shannon, Dr. Majors’s nurses, work here too, and they help me learn the ropes in no time.

Nick is making money hand over fist at his new firm. And with me making pretty good money as well, he and I decide to build a house. He had some plans drawn up and is looking over them when I get home after working a twelve-hour shift. I immediately strip out of my scrubs in the laundry room then hightail it past Nick with blueprints and paperwork spread out across the dining room table. After a quick shower, I get in my pajamas and walk straight to the wine rack.

“Nick, open this for me please.”

He looks up from the blueprints and narrows his eyes on the bottle of wine. “You’ve had wine almost every night this week, Lillian. What’s up?”

My hand is propped up on my hip and I let out an exhausted groan. “Ahh… I don’t know. Maybe I’m tired and I freaking feel like I deserve it,
Dad
.”

He stands up, making his way to me, then takes the bottle and corkscrew from my hands. “Come on. Don’t be like that. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Work’s not stressing you out, is it?”

I just snap. “No, not work, Nick, but you’re doing a damn fine job of it. Here.” I grab the wine bottle from him. “I should have just opened it myself and saved us from having this whole conversation. Next time I’ll know better.”

“Just…whatever, Lillian. I apologize for asking you a question. Now come on and let’s sit down. You relax and drink your wine and look at these house plans with me.”

I have to bite my tongue to keep my reply from coming out over his comment about apologizing for asking a question. He is in so much trouble and he doesn’t even know it.

I listen to him as he goes on and on about this and that, roof lines and square footage, while I just sit there getting drunk and more pissed off.

He’s looking at me when I realize that he’s asked a question, one that I didn’t hear because I stopped listening an hour ago.

“Lillian?” He’s pissed. I can tell by his voice and the look on his face.

“What? What do you want me to say? Good job? You handed the job off to someone else, Nick. Even after I specifically told you that I wanted to be a part of every aspect of building this house. I haven’t even been asked a single question as to what I want. Not one.”

“I don’t think you realize how much is involved in writing up plans for a house. You can’t just say paint colors and floor types, Lillian. There are specifics. Numbers. Everything has to fit.”

I stab my finger on the blueprints, my anger quickly escalating into rage. “Well what I’m looking at looks like every other cookie-cutter house I’ve ever seen. We both said we wanted our home to be unique and different, did we not? Now show me one unique thing on this floorplan.”

“We aren’t building a fort for God’s sake. It’s a home. And I refuse to throw all of your crazy ideas at the builders. They would laugh us out of their office.” Our voices are at shouting level and we are both seething mad. Neither one of us is ready to back down either.

“You mean out of your father’s office? You know what, Nick? Do whatever you want.” I feel my anger swelling, gaining strength and momentum. “Make a fucking house, build it however the hell you want, and make damn sure your father approves it. I don’t even give a shit anymore. Let me know when it’s time to pack my shit and move into this house of yours.” I stomp off, heading to our room with the wine bottle and glass in tow as I inform him over my shoulder, “And have fun sleeping on the couch tonight too.”

I’ve heard of this thing called a seven-year itch. I’ve also been told to expect ruts from time to time in a marriage. The problem is that the only thing I’m itching to do is beat the shit out of Nick, and this rut doesn’t feel so much like a rut. It feels like the damn Grand Canyon. While this house is being built, the distance between Nick and me grows.

I have this reoccurring nightmare where Nick and I watch every brick being laid as these men build our house. I cry out for Nick when it dawns on me that the builders are no longer building a house, but a wall between us. Anxiety and fear totally consume me as I beg and plead for Nick to come to me before the wall is too high but I can’t get his attention.

It’s like he doesn’t even hear me. He never looks up as the wall becomes so high I can barely see him. Not until the last brick is being laid do his eyes meet mine. He has a hateful smirk on his face and I can read in his eyes,
‘I told you so.’

I wake from this nightmare almost every night, crying and begging for Nick. My body and tangled sheets are drenched from a cold seat. Every time this dream wakes me though, my begging and crying are left unanswered, because I always wake up alone.

To avoid what’s happening to my marriage and our family, I do the only thing I can to keep it off my mind. I throw myself into my work. I pick up extra shifts just to keep from going home. I stay late at work almost every night, sometimes working eighteen-hour shifts to avoid getting home before Nick is asleep. When I get home, I drink a bottle of wine, usually in the bathtub. Once my bottle is empty, I go to bed.

I keep these recent marital changes to myself at work. I mean, I know my coworkers, but I don’t really know them. And while they are grown women, I’m not sure which of them may still have some high school tendencies lingering around.

Stacy and I become the closest out of the rest of them. She and I both have a way of keeping it real. We just do our jobs and stay out of the best nurse competition that some of the others seem to be in.

I either go out with Stacy or head over to Allen’s new apartment and hang out with him on the weekends I’m not working. Yes, my baby brother and I have remained and will always remain best buds.

After I pull into a parking spot outside Allen’s place, my cell phone goes off. “Fuck, it’s going to be Nick. I know it.” Yep, it is. “Hello?”

“Where are you at? We have dinner plans with my parents tonight. Are you on your way home?”

“No. I’m sorry, Nick. I was on call tonight and couldn’t find anyone to switch with me. They called me in right before you got home,” I lie through my teeth like a freaking pro.

I hear him let out a frustrated sigh. “Damn. Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“I guess go to dinner with your parents, but look, I’m headed into the hospital right now, so I gotta go. Take Bella. She’s at the sitter’s. She’ll be happy to see your parents.” I sure as hell wouldn’t be.

“Okay, well, call me if you get out of there soon.”

“Yep, you got it. Bye.”

“Love you, Lillian.”

Click. Things have gotten so bad between us that I can’t even bring myself to say it back.

And yes…I know. I’m a shitty, lying wife. But I can’t sit there and play nice—with him or his parents.

I head up the stairs to Allen’s apartment and spot a shiny new green motorbike. One of those fast ones. And it’s parked in his usual spot. Huh.

After I knock, he swings the door open then practically jumps on me, squeezing the air out of my lungs in a tight hug. “What’s up, sis! You see my new bike?”

Oh hell no. “Oh hell no, Allen. You better be lying.” I’m trying to extricate myself from my brother’s hold. Allen’s craning his head to keep looking at his new bike until I finally shove him inside and close the door. “I cannot believe you bought a damn bike!”

“Well I’ve been saving my money up from bartending for a while. Then I had enough saved up but I couldn’t find the one I wanted. Saw that beautiful green goddess after work today and knew she was the one!” He has a smile that goes from ear to ear. My brother’s smile has a way of making you feel like everything is okay, no matter what it is that’s going on. If Allen gives you the charming smile he’s throwing at me right now, you feel like everything is perfect. “You know what I always say, Lil… we only get one life. And you gotta ride that bitch til the wheels fall off, Sis.”

I sigh and concede in trying to talk any sense into him. He’s too far gone to listen to rational reason. “Well she is pretty, and shiny, and
dangerous
!”

“Oh good God, not you too. Come on, I already had to hear this shit from Mom.”

I flop down into one of his recliners. “Just don’t make me say I told you so, Allen…please.”

“I won’t, okay? I promise. So what’s been up with you? Work today?”

“Ahh, same ol’, same ol’. You know how it is.”

“You and Nick still fighting?” He’s watching me with a concerned look on his face. Allen’s the only person I’ve told about how shitty things are between me and Nick.

“No, we don’t fight. That’s the whole problem. We don’t talk, we don’t fight, we don’t nothing. We’re like two souls living among each other, two boats in the same little pond, existing but not bothering to acknowledge each other.”

“Well then, acknowledge him.”

“Oh, it’s that simple, huh? Allen, we are so far past that. Even if I tried, all he would think is that I want something. That there’s an ulterior motive for my trying. I can’t even tell you when it got this bad.”

He shrugs and slaps his hands on his knees before he stands. “Well then, screw it. I got a bottle of Moscato in there for you.” He winks at me.

“Hell yes, baby bro. Hook your sista up!”

I’m well into bottle number two when Allen gets up from the couch. “You want me to drive you home? Or what’s the plan?”

I can’t help but laugh at my pathetic situation. I’m drunk and hiding out at my little brother’s house to get out of a dinner date from hell. “No, I kind of told Nick that I got called into work.”

“Oh God, Lil. No damn wonder y’all aren’t talking. Hell, when you do, you’re lying.”

“Hey, hey. Pipe down already. I’m not in the mood for your lectures, buddy. Go get me some boxers and a t-shirt. I’ll crash on the couch and be out of here in the morning.”

He sighs and stops before walking down the hall, his face more serious than I think I’ve ever seen it. “All right, but listen. Don’t make me say I told you so when you fuck this thing up with Nick.”

“I won’t, Allen. I promise.”

Turns out that Allen and I are both able to keep the promises we made to each other that night. Only not in the sense you’re thinking.