A Woman Lost (25 page)

She squeezed me tighter.

Sitting up, I looked her in the eyes. “I’m not sure I want to buy a house.”

Sarah took a deep breath. “All right. We can talk about that.” She straightened on the couch and looked me in the eyes.

“I just don’t know if I am ready for such a huge step. And now that I’m taking a year off to finish my dissertation, I don’t think staying in Fort Collins is my best option.”

She continued to stare at me. I could see her mind grappling with what I had said.

“Are you saying you want to move from Fort Collins to finish your dissertation?”

“Yes, but‌—‌”

“But what?” She pulled away from me.

“There’s something else. Something you should know.” I braced myself.

She crossed her arms. “I’m waiting.”

Oh, shit! What have I done?
I looked into her eyes, which welled with tears.
Why have I hurt the one person I love?

Yes, I was in love with Sarah.

Finally, I was at peace with that‌—‌just when it was ending.

“I‌—‌”

“You what?”

“I may have … ” I couldn’t get the words out. I swallowed. Then I blurted out, “I made a pass at Maddie.”

“You what!”

“I‌—‌”

“You fucking asshole!” She sprinted off the couch.

I bowed my head. “If you knew how sorry I am.”

“What? Is that supposed to make me feel better, Lizzie? You know what makes me feel better.” She yanked her ring off and chucked it at me. I ducked and it slammed into the wall. “Fuck you and your ring, Lizzie.”

“Sarah, please, let me explain.” I moved towards her.

Her eyes showed no love. All I saw was coldness. Icy anger.

“You asshole! You fucking asshole!”

She drew nearer to me. I had my back against the wall, trapped. Sarah balled her hands into fists. Preparing for a one-two strike, I turned my head and closed my eyes. She fell against me, fists first, into my chest. All of her strength dissipated. Her shoulders heaved and I felt the wetness of her tears on my neck. As I tried to embrace her, she quickly shoved away from me, staggering back.

“You asshole,” she whispered.

I stood motionless. My heart shrieked inside my chest, telling me to make it better. My head knew better. I couldn’t fix this.

She charged past me to the front door. “I’m going to my mother’s!”

She slammed the door as she left.

I stared after her until all I could see was the closed door.

* * *

Several tense days passed before I received an email from Sarah.

Please let me know when you won’t be in the apartment so I can pick up my stuff. I have thought long and hard, and I don’t want to see you. Please respect my decision and don’t try to contact me, other than letting me know when I can come by
.

She didn’t sign the email. I’m pretty sure she wanted to tell me to fuck off. Maybe her mom helped compose the email to rid it of all vitriol. But I knew Sarah. She was not calm about the situation. If she had the chance, she would throttle me. I also knew that I deserved it. God, I was a fuck-up.

I sat on the couch all night and watched old movies, Hank curled in the crook of one arm. I didn’t cry‌—‌I was numb. No thoughts, feelings, or anything else, pulsed through me that night. Occasionally, I would flip the channel, but the rest of the time I just petted Hank‌—‌until he bit my hand. He didn’t leave my lap, but even he didn’t want me to touch him.

Finally, my eyes closed, but as my thoughts drifted off, the sudden realization hit me: Sarah was gone. Forever. I had done it. I had pushed her away.

I
was
a fucking idiot!

Chapter Thirty-Six

“What do you mean you don’t want to be without her?” Ethan’s coffee cup was reflected in his thick glasses as he stared owlishly at me over the cup’s rim.

“Just that … I don’t want to be without her, Ethan. I think I screwed up big-time.” I did the best I could to fight back tears, but I felt them forming anyway.

“You have been trying to brush her off for almost a year now. Please help me understand this.” He sounded angry, and a little baffled.

“Really, I don’t know how to explain it. I’m just as shocked as you. But I want her back.” I gripped my cup of chai tightly.

We sat in silence and watched a toddler throw a tantrum because her mother did not want to buy a Starbucks bear that was dressed up in Fourth of July clothes. The child screeched non-stop for more than a minute. Finally, the mother relented, beaten. She purchased the bear before pulling the tear-streaked child out of the store by one arm while the brat waved the bear victoriously with the other.

“So why did you do it?” He stroked his chin, musing.

“What?”

“Why did you break up with her?”

“I didn’t. She broke up with me.”

He laughed, but it sounded hollow. “Yeah, that’s right. You only tried to sleep with Maddie. What did you think? You could keep Sarah and have Maddie on the side. The best of both worlds. Or did you purposefully sabotage and now regret your idiocy?”

I chuckled and wiped away some tears. “Well, I’ve never claimed to be the brightest.”

His eyes softened. “Seriously, though. Why did you do it? Was all the talk just bluster, so I wouldn’t know you cared for her‌—‌that you care for her, I mean? You cared for her the whole time. Are you that caught up on being the tough guy that you pushed the right one away?”

“I screwed up.” I shivered.

“Yes, you did.”

I put my head in my hands. “Do you think I can make it better?”

“Sweetheart”‌—‌Ethan put a hand on my arm, gave it a little squeeze‌—‌“I have no idea. A lot of damage has been done.”

“What would you do?” I looked hopeful.

“For one thing, I wouldn’t have tried to fuck Maddie.”

I laughed. “No shit, Sherlock. Is there anyone you would willingly sleep with?”

He squirmed in his chair and said emphatically, “No!”

“I wish I felt the same way.”

“Trust me, it adds different complications.” He looked away.

“I’m sorry, Ethan. That was insensitive.”

He waved my words away and said with his southern accent, “Miss Lizzie, I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. You need to come up with a plan.”

“A plan.” I nodded my head. I loved plans. Challenges.

He leaned across the table and placed his slender fingers on mine. “If you love her as much as I think you do, fight for her, Lizzie. Fight!” He then slapped my hand. “If you don’t, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

I had no idea where to begin to make things right with Sarah. And I also knew I had to talk to Maddie. The wedding wasn’t too far off. I couldn’t delay talking to her. Using the text function on my new cell phone, which had all the bells and whistles, I informed Maddie that I had told Sarah. It was a gutless way of communicating, but I still didn’t tell her that Sarah had left me. I didn’t see a need.

Not a minute passed before I received a reply:
Thank you. Can we talk?

I groaned. How much crow did I have to eat? Of course, I couldn’t say no; she was going to be my sister-in-law. I asked where and when.

To my surprise, she wanted to meet in my apartment in ten minutes. Quick‌—‌like a Band-Aid.

Ten minutes had never felt longer. I waited in my front room, like a child waiting to get immunized. Full of dread.

There was a knock on the door. For a second I considered jumping off my balcony and running for the hills. Who would really miss me?

Get it together, Lizzie. You did this to yourself.

I stood, swaying a bit, and answered the door.

“How’s my future sister-in-law?” Maddie set the tone right away.

What could I say? I just stared, mutely.

“Are you going to let me in?”

“Are you going to slap me again?”

“Are you going to try to kiss me?”

“Never. Never again.” I rubbed my cheek. My jaw was sore.

“Good. I’m glad we cleared this up.” She pushed her way into my apartment.

I turned. “Is that it?”

“What? Did you want to talk about it
ad nauseam
? That doesn’t seem like you.” Her tone was accusatory.

“Seriously, I tried seducing you and you don’t want to rip my head off?” I was bamboozled.

“Lizzie, you aren’t the first person to make a pass at me. You aren’t the first to misread my friendliness. My friends and family always tell me I’m too footloose and fancy free.” She paused. “However, I didn’t expect it from you.”

“Not the first nitwit‌—‌”

“Goodness, no!” she interrupted. “But I had thought that since we are going to be family, I would be safe around you.” She laughed. “A gay guy even made a pass at me once. And nitwit? Seriously.”

“Maddie, I’m so sorry … not about the gay guy … you know what I mean. I‌—‌”

“You better be. And don’t worry, I won’t tell Peter.”

I pushed my hands deep into my pockets. “Thanks.” I knew she couldn’t.

Maddie’s face softened. “How did Sarah take it?”

My instinct was to shout, “How the fuck do you think she took it?” Instead, I shrugged. “Not too good. She left.”

“Is she coming back?” she asked, and I detected a spark of hope in her voice.

I shook my head. “I don’t think so.” Tears formed.

Maddie looked torn. Was she afraid that if she hugged me I might kiss her again?

“Lizzie, I’m so sorry.”

I stifled a sigh. “It’s all my fault.”

She laughed. “I wish I could tell you you’re wrong.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’ve sat around for hours ruminating on my actions.”

Maddie chortled. “Ruminating! Lizzie, get off your high horse. Maybe if you spent less time ruminating and more time living, you wouldn’t be in this situation. What’s with you Petries? Why can’t you act like normal people?”

I started to answer, but she shushed me.

“What’s your plan?”

“My plan?” My voice sounded hollow, even to me.

“To win Sarah back?”

“She’s asked me not to contact her. She wants me out of the apartment so she can pack up her stuff. In fact, I’m leaving tonight. I’ll be gone for at least a week. I don’t want her to feel rushed.” I motioned to my suitcase in the corner. “I’m taking off for Jackson Hole.”

Hank came crashing into the room, upsetting my books on the coffee table.

“Who’s watching him?” Maddie gestured to the rambunctious kitty.

“I’m dropping him off at a kennel. Sarah’s mom is allergic, so he can’t stay there.”

“A kennel!”

For an instant, I thought she was going to whack me again.

“Hank, pack your bags. You’re coming home with me.”

Hank darted out of the room.

“Maddie, that’s kind of you‌—‌”

“Lizzie, we’re family. He’s coming with me, and if you try to stop me…” She made a fist.

“Okay.” I backed away. “Thank you.”

I waited a few minutes after our farewells, and when I felt certain Maddie had left, I went back inside, grabbed the photo of Sarah and my bags, and skedaddled.

It had been some time since I had been on a highway that didn’t involve traveling to a family member’s house. I felt free, exhilarated. There was an endless road before me, and I wanted to conquer it. The sky was brilliant blue and the horizon beckoned to me.

Six hours later, my body started to revolt. My eyes wanted to shut and my back and legs screamed. I couldn’t remember getting much sleep lately, and I had been on my bike at six that morning.

When I spotted a hotel with a vacancy, I pulled into the parking lot. After settling into my room, I went to the diner and silently jumped for joy when I saw they served breakfast day and night. I ordered hash browns and a mound of greasy bacon and relished the junk heading right into my belly. Still hungry, I followed it by polishing off four large pancakes.

Afterwards, I wandered around outside, but there wasn’t much to see. No matter. I would be in Jackson Hole the next day.

* * *

The next morning, my eyes popped open at four. I knew immediately that I would not be able to fall back asleep. The only good thing about these highway hotels was that the restaurants were always open. Once again, I gorged myself on pancakes, hash browns, and bacon. Then I packed up my meager belongings and hit the road. Thank God Sarah bought me a GPS unit or I would have been hesitant to hit the road in total darkness.

“You couldn’t find your way out of a paper bag,” she had told me when she gave it to me. It was a little harsh, but not too far off the mark. My sense of direction was severely lacking. I should always go the exact opposite of my gut feeling; however, I was too stubborn to ignore my intuition.

I wanted to be as far away as possible, and the car could not take me fast enough; yet, a part of me didn’t want to be gone. I listened to the playlists Sarah had compiled for me on my iPod. Maddie would have been proud‌—‌I didn’t listen to a single audio book. For hours I held off, but I finally listened to the love mix Ethan said included the songs Sarah must have been considering for our wedding. I listened to all of them‌—‌several times‌—‌to see if I could pinpoint which one she might have chosen for our first dance.

But I was at a loss. Most of the songs sounded the same. Anyway, I told myself, there was no need to concern myself with that anymore. I sighed. God, I was turning into a mushy sap.
Snap out of it, Lizzie
. I glanced down at Sarah’s picture by the odometer.

* * *

After locating a hotel that had a vacancy for at least a week, I checked into my room, showered, and dressed. Soon, I was wandering around the city square. The quaintness of the Old West made me smile. For an hour I wandered around staring at cute shops, the antler arch over the street, and the stagecoach in the street, until some of my loneliness left me. I found a spot in the tiny park in the centre of the square and watched the locals and tourists pass back and forth.

When my insatiable appetite overwhelmed me, I found a cafe with patio seating so I could continue people watching. Once again, I was gluttonous. I inhaled a massive bacon cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate malt. I longed to hop on my bike afterwards, but I had left it at home. I hit the shops instead, wandering in and out, checking out all the trinkets and novelties for tourists.