A Year to Remember (32 page)

I drank my coffee and ate my breakfast of oatmeal and egg whites. When I opened my pantry for salt and saw a box of cookies stuffed in the back, I had an overwhelming urge to eat them. I thought I had purged my kitchen of sugar and flour products. How had I missed this box of cookies?

Maybe it was a sign from God I wasn’t meant for abstinence. He wanted me to eat these cookies. I opened the box and smelled them, imagining the sweetness of the chocolate and how good it would feel to stuff myself until I passed out.

With shaking hands, I turned on the kitchen sink and forced myself to throw the cookies down the garbage disposal. I started crying and fell to my knees. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted to heal.

Thinking about the advice given to me from Alison and other OA members, I started to pray to God.

“God, please help me. I don’t want to binge anymore. Save me. Please save me.” I stayed on my knees praying to God, saying it over and over until the urge to binge passed. Then I rose to my feet, got ready and left for my meeting.

For the first time, I spoke at my meeting, unable to contain my secrets any longer.

“Hi, I’m Sara, and I’m a compulsive overeater,” I started.

“Hi, Sara. Welcome,” everyone said back to me.

“I’ve been abstinent for one week. In a way, it’s been the hardest week of my life. I wanted it to be easy, but I’m discovering it’s not. I listen to other members talk about feeling free from the compulsion and they talk about their Higher Power. I want the same for myself. I don’t want to suffer from the overwhelming urges anymore. I don’t want to stuff myself full of sweets until I’m so nauseas I can’t do anything but sleep it off. So, I’m following the advice. I’m trying to live as if I believe in a Higher Power. I need a sign from Him. Just one sign. Anyway, thanks for listening to me babble and with that I pass.”

“Thanks, Sara. Keep coming back.”

When the meeting ended, Alison stayed to talk with me.

“It isn’t easy, Sara. No one can say otherwise. If you continue to work the program, it will get better. One day, you’ll wake and discover you no longer have the need or urge to binge. It’s an amazing feeling and it’s worth all the work. I promise you. Until then, when you get an impulse to overindulge, call me or someone else in the program. Copy some of the names and numbers out of the book we sign each meeting. Phone calls are one of the tools we need to recover. It helps remind us we’re not alone. You’re not, Sara. You have friends and you can turn to us for help.”

“Thanks, Alison. I will.” I gave her a hug and we started to walk to our cars.

“Remember to keep your eyes and ears open for the signs of your Higher Power. Trust me, He’s communicating. You just have to recognize it.”

We separated as we got into our cars. I went straight to the gym. I hadn’t been to it in ages, but exercise not only helped me lose weight, it cleared my mind and fought latent aggressions.

I changed in a bathroom stall, bumping into the walls and banging my knees against the door. I wish I could learn to feel comfortable naked around other women, but I won’t hold my breath. I’ve hated changing in public since middle school.

I decided to tackle the treadmill first. Ten minutes into it, I felt my thighs burning in agony. I hadn’t realized how out of shape I had gotten, especially since Israel. I vowed to buy some music for my iPod for musical motivation. Today, I plugged my headphones into the television, but I couldn’t find anything interesting to watch. I settled on the local news.

Since I’m usually not home during the weekdays, I never gave a thought of who the target audience was for daytime television. Judging by the commercials, I’d guess retirees and stay-at-home mothers. I had never seen this many commercials for sanitary napkins, diapers, retirement homes, diets, and bariatric surgery in my life. I scanned the gym and found most of the people were elderly, with a few younger women scattered throughout. Working out with the elderly is definitely less intimidating than working out with a bunch of hard bodies.

After thirty minutes of low intensity walking, I gave up. I turned off the treadmill and stepped onto the floor. I hadn’t anticipated feeling like I was still walking on the equipment and grew dizzy as my legs buckled under me. The next thing I knew I was sitting on the floor of the gym. I wanted to quickly get up before anyone noticed.

“Are you okay?” a man standing behind me asked.

Of course. Someone was always around to catch my embarrassing moments. At least this time, it wasn’t Adam. Based on the statistical data of the room, the man standing behind me should be well into his seventies.

I turned around. No such luck. Of course he was a good-looking man in his thirties.

“Thanks, I’m fine. I just got a little dizzy as I got off the treadmill.”

“You’re Sara, right?”

“Um, yeah. I’m sorry, do I know you?” These days, people all over the Metro-Detroit area knew my name, and he didn’t look familiar.

“I’m Nate. We went to Israel together.”

“I’m sorry. Of course. How are you?”

“I’m good. How have you been?”

God, I hate small talk. Especially with handsome Jewish men.

“I’m good,” I answered, lying through my teeth.

“How’s your husband?”

My heart stopped. “My husband?”

“Yeah, Adam, right?”

I laughed at the irony. Nate must have thought I was crazy. Maybe he was right.

“He’s not my husband.”

“Boyfriend?”

I shook my head. He looked at his feet.

“I’m sorry. I just assumed ... you seemed pretty serious.”

“Things are a bit confusing at the moment. Don’t worry, you didn’t offend me.”

Nate seemed like a nice guy. At an earlier time in my life, I’d probably try and hit on him.

“I understand confusing.” He smiled.

“You do?” I asked, genuinely interested.

“Yeah. My boyfriend and I just broke up, but we’re still sleeping together. I’d say that’s confusing, wouldn’t you?”

Of course, I would have hit on him! He’s gay!

“I’d have to agree. That’s quite confusing.” I liked Nate instantly. He had a quality about him which made him easy to talk with. I needed someone like him in my life.

“Would you want to get lunch with me?”

“I wish I could, but I’m meeting a client here in a few minutes. I’m a personal trainer.”

“Really? Wow. You exercise for a living?” There wasn’t enough money in the world to make me want to exercise all day.

“I help my clients, but I don’t workout with them. I was a fat, gay kid. When I got tired of the bullying, I started weight training. I’ve been doing it ever since.”

“Wow, well good for you,” I said, not quite sure what else to say to him.

“Listen, I’m going to services tonight. It’s the first time I’ve had to go alone since my ex used to go with me. Would you like to join me?”

I wasn’t into attending services at synagogue, but I was searching for my Higher Power. Where else would a Jewish girl like me find her Higher Power?

“Sure, I’d like that,” I responded.

Nate and I exchanged information and agreed to meet at the synagogue. It turned out he belonged to the same congregation as me.

I left the gym wondering if my Higher Power had finally sent me a sign.

Dressed in a skirt and blouse, I met Nate in the lobby. I know women can wear pants now at Reform congregations, but for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to wear anything other than a skirt.

We found seats toward the front of the room and talked before the service began. It also gave me the opportunity to remember how much I’d enjoyed going to services as a child. I always felt comfortable and loved in my synagogue. I felt like I belonged. I missed that feeling.

The service began with the Rabbi strumming his guitar and the Cantor singing a song I recognized from my youth. Throughout the service, memories of happy times spent inside these walls passed through my mind as though I watched a movie. The Rabbi talked about asking God for renewal of body and spirit. I felt like the Rabbi talked directly to me.

I’d received the sign I asked from God. God was talking to me. I just had to listen.

I believed in my Higher Power, ready to immerse myself in the Twelve Steps.