A Year to Remember (34 page)

Because I’ve never felt comfortable dancing in front of other people, I’d get drunk in order to deal with my discomfort. That way, I couldn’t be held responsible for my behavior.

My drunkenness had led me to my stupid declaration to marry by the time I turned thirty. I didn’t think I was an alcoholic, but without using food as a coping mechanism, I didn’t want to take a chance and replace it with alcohol.

Now I was at a bar, dancing, completely sober, and having a great time. I had been abstinent for over ninety days and had reached my goal of making ninety meetings in ninety days. I had a satisfactory career, good friends, my health, a roof over my head, and a cat I loved who loved me back.

Life was good.

Hannah danced with a guy who reminded me of someone who could be a member of Hell’s Angels. He had multiple tattoos and wore a black leather vest and leather pants. She appeared happy, so I didn’t bother rescuing her.

She came back over to me, laughing and giddy.

“Hey, girlfriends! That guy over there told me about a new store that just opened a block over from here. He owns it with a couple of other guys and he said he can get us a discount if we want.” She looked positively euphoric.

“What kind of store?” I asked while we danced to Abba’s “Dancing Queen.”

“Sex toys.”

I stopped dancing. Did she say sex toys?

Alison rolled her eyes at Hannah, then shook her head. “Hannah has a thing for debauchery.”

“I’ve never been to a sex toy store.” I knew of a couple in the area, but I would never have imagined I’d actually go into one. I had even been invited to sex toy parties, but the idea of talking about sex openly seemed ... embarrassing.

“A sex toy virgin, huh? You don’t own a vibrator?” Hannah asked, as if it were a crime for me not to own one.

I could feel myself blushing, and they both laughed. “Come on. It’ll be fun,” Alison promised.

Hannah informed her motorcycle man we would go to the store. Just like that, we were out of the bar and inside a sex toy store.

I’d never seen anything like it. One half of the store advertised lingerie and costumes for the bedroom. Lacy teddies that didn’t cover anything, leather corsets, crotchless panties ... Who would ever want to see me in something like that?

“Can I help you find something?” A saleslady as old as my grandma gestured to the lingerie.

“No—no—I’m not...” I stammered, backing away from the clothing.

I surveyed the room for my friends and found Hannah trying out different kinds of ... whips. I’ll never watch
Indiana Jones
the same way again.

Alison stared at the wall with an expression of awe. I made my way over to see what had her so mesmerized.

Alison stared at an entire wall filled by vibrators of various sizes, shapes, and colors. They all boasted something different: G-spot stimulation, clitoral stimulation, gyration, multiple speeds, whisper quiet, bullets, waterproof, phylate free, glow in the dark, discreetly-sized, super-sized, bunny shaped, dolphins, butterfly wings, suction cup, double stimulator, triple action, beaded, battery operated, chargeable, silicone, glass, real feeling, and for the environmentally conscious, vegan friendly and sun-powered.

“Can I help you pick out a vibrator?” the same saleslady asked. I think she was following me around the store.

“Yes, my friend is looking for her first one,” Alison announced.

There were too many witnesses in the store, so I’d have to kill her later. I did not need a vibrator. After all, I had gone years without sex.

That was before I knew what it was like to make love to someone who knew what he was doing. I guess if I couldn’t have Adam, I might as well get used to a battery-operated substitute.

I turned to the saleslady and put on a brave face.

“What are you looking for in particular?” the over-tanned and wrinkled saleslady asked. Not what I pictured as a saleslady for a sex toy shop.

“I’m looking for something to make me orgasm,” I declared with a straight face.

Alison couldn’t contain her amusement and laughed out loud.

The saleslady didn’t get I was playing dumb. “We have lots of different vibrators depending on your sexual needs. Do you prefer an easy clitoral stimulation, or do you like a deeper G-spot stim? We also have some that will probe your anus at the same time for triple enjoyment.”

“She’d like one that does both G-spot and clit,” Alison said, biting her lip while giggling. “She’s not into the butt thing.”

The saleslady pulled a purple, waterproof, dual stimulation vibrator off the wall and handed it to me. “This is our most popular model for those just starting to experiment with vibrators. It has a one year warranty.”

What kind of warranty did a vibrator come with? Guaranteed to make you orgasm or your money back?

I had no idea what I liked, but it was only forty dollars. If it helped me stop craving sex with Adam, then it would be money well spent.

“I’ll take it.”

The saleslady took the package over to the counter, while Alison and I went to talk to Hannah. Her Hell’s Angel from the bar, Ron, was standing behind her demonstrating restraints. Lord, what was that girl into?

“See something you like?” I asked Hannah.

She glanced at Ron and smirked. “Definitely.”

The jingle of the front door to the store opening caught my attention. Missy and Lori walked in, smiling and laughing.

“What is it?” Alison asked, following my gaze.

“Missy,” I whispered.

“Go say hello,” she urged.

I forced my feet to move as I made my way to Missy, who was looking at novelties, most likely for a bachelorette party.

“Hi, Missy. Hi, Lori.”

Missy’s mouth dropped open, either because she hadn’t seen me in a while or because she was seeing me in a sex toy shop. Either way, she was definitely shocked.

“Sara ... How are you?” Lori asked.

“I’m doing all right, thanks. And you guys?”

“Good,” Lori said. “I’m going to go see if I can use their bathroom. I’ll be right back.” She left Missy and me to talk for the first time in six months.

“You look good,” Missy started. “Who are you here with?”

“My friends, Hannah and Alison. They’re the ones over by the S&M items.”

Missy shuffled her feet and looked at the floor. Neither one of us knew what to say, and there was an awkward silence.

One of the Twelve Steps is to make amends to those we’ve harmed. I wasn’t on that Step yet, but I believed my Higher Power had different ideas. I couldn’t let this opportunity pass me by.

“I’m sorry, Missy. I’m sorry I took advantage of you. I’m sorry for what I said and for everything. I’m sorry.” I started to cry, but I didn’t get hysterical. I allowed myself to feel the pain and acknowledged it.

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have blamed you for not having the same feelings about me that I had for you. You’re right. I used you as an excuse to keep myself from getting hurt by putting my heart out there. I wanted to call you so many times, but I didn’t know if you wanted to talk to me.”

“Me, too.” I hugged her. “Are you and Lori an item?” I whispered in her ear.

She grinned and shook her head. “We went on a couple of dates, but there wasn’t any chemistry.” She paused. “I know congratulations are in order. I saw you and Caleb get engaged on TV.”

“We’re not together anymore, but that’s a story for another time,” I said, not wanting to waste our time complaining about my life. “Why don’t I introduce you to my friends?” I brought her over to Hannah and Alison.

“This is Alison and Hannah. And this is Missy.”

“How do you guys know each other?”

“We went to Israel together,” Hannah answered, smiling shyly at Missy. Since when did Hannah act shy?

“You went to Israel? I want to hear all about it.”

“Why don’t we meet at our coffee shop tomorrow morning around eight?”

“You, up at eight? What happened to the girl I used to know?”

“I grew up.”

Missy nodded in understanding. We had both grown and changed in these last months. I didn’t know if we’d have the same friendship as before, but I felt confident Missy would remain a part of my life.

The saleslady returned to our side. “Would you like some cleaning solution for your purchase?”

Missy’s eyes opened wide. “You’re getting a sex toy?”

“A lot’s changed since we’ve last talked.”

“We thought it was about time that Sara got over Adam.” Hannah chuckled, while touching Missy on her shoulder.

“Adam? Adam Goldman?” Missy screeched. “I thought you guys couldn’t stand each other! I should have known it was foreplay. I want to hear all the details!”

“I ... we’re not ...” I couldn’t keep the tears from falling.

Alison gave me a hug while Lori returned and asked what she had missed. Alison pointed to the oversize penis substitute I held in my hand, and we all started laughing, including me, which resulted in a case of the hiccups.

“I know you, don’t I?” Lori asked Hannah.

Hannah placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head in contemplation.

“I got it! We hooked up once at that club with the cages!” Hannah said.

Confused, I turned to Alison.

“She’s bi,” Alison explained.

Missy seemed very pleased to hear this tidbit of information and it occurred to me Hannah had been lightly flirting with Missy earlier.

How would I feel if Hannah and Missy became a couple? The old Sara would have been jealous, but the new Sara wanted both of them to be happy and if it worked out between them, I’d be thrilled. As if she could read my mind, Alison smiled and nodded.

I paid for my brand new vibrator, and we all went out for coffee, leaving Ron behind. Hannah and Missy sat next to each other trying to pretend they weren’t sneaking peeks at one another. It was rather cute.

While we drank our coffee, decaf for me, I got a chance to see the changes in Missy. From the outside, she was the same perky blonde, but I no longer recognized her inside. She was softer and quieter, with an air of contentment I envied.

“You’ve lost weight,” Missy commented. “On another diet?”

“No. I’m done with diets.”

“Well, whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Not just your weight, either. You seem, I don’t know what the word is ... peaceful. Like you’re happy with who you are now.”

“I was just thinking the same about you.”

She thought about her next comment before asking, “Are you still trying to get married by thirty?”

I shook my head. “I realize now I can’t force it to happen. When the time is right, I’ll get married. Or not. It no longer matters to me.” That sounded very convincing. I almost believed it, too.

“And Adam? What happened between you two?”

I didn’t want to talk about it, so I told her fast, without taking a breath. “We were both on the same Israel trip. He admitted he’s wanted me for years, told me he loved me, made me admit I loved him, gave me the most amazing sex I’ll ever have, and then confessed he never wants to get married.”

Missy sat, processing everything. “Is that why you ended things? Because he doesn’t want to get married?”