Absolute Sunset (6 page)

“Fuck!” She threw it away and lit another one.

She inhaled deeply and the roar in her head went silent. She leaned backwards and blew smoke toward the sky. Clouds were moving west. And she was stuck on this hard bench, thinking. Now what? Abortion was out of question. It was too expensive, though it would be the perfect solution. Perhaps she could convince Janusz? No. He’ll want to keep the baby. Old fool. Should she try to improvise on her own? She wouldn’t be able to put a clothes hanger inside herself. Maybe she could throw herself down the stairs. Would that work? Nope. Shit. Sabina finished her cigarette and started toward home. On the way she stopped at the shop.

“Half a litre of booze,” she said to the shop assistant. The girl had a blank look on her face and served her mechanically, putting the bottle into a paper bag. What a pretense. Everybody knew what was inside. Vodka.

She hurried back to the flat. She was trembling. She couldn’t get the key to fit in the lock. Finally, she made it inside. Taking off her sweater, she managed to twist the top off the bottle. She took the first huge gulp. Icy, but then suddenly hot. A relief. She calmed down and took a glass from the cupboard, then went to the bedroom. Looking into the dirty mirror, she finished the vodka.

“Cheers, mummy!” she said to herself with the last glass, and fell down on the bed.

The ceiling began its customary dance. And then it switched to waving, as if she were on a ship. Once Janusz had taken Sabina for a cruise on Odra river. They were in Opole, celebrating some anniversary. The waves rocked the boat gently, but Sabina became nauseated anyway. Probably from the smell of the engine of the old barge, as well as the stink of the oily river. Her stomach lurched. The ice cream she’d eaten a half hour before suddenly felt heavy. It brimmed over. She couldn’t prevent it.

“You’re feeding the fish in the river!” Janusz said, laughing as she threw up. Back then it somehow didn’t bother him. He even helped her to clean her coat. But the past is another world, untouchable, almost fictional. Nothing like that would ever happen now.

The bed beneath her seemed to swing more and more powerfully. Sabina felt her tongue go dry. Then sour saliva filled her mouth. She got up as quickly as she could.

“Fuck!” She barely managed to get out the brief curse before puking onto the rug.

The whirling ceased and Sabina collapsed back onto the bed. The ceiling steadied. She fell asleep.

She told Janusz a month later.

“I’m pregnant, I want an abortion.” Just like that.

“No way,” he said firmly.

Sabina shrugged her shoulders. Anything could happen. She wouldn’t take much care of herself or the baby.
We’ll see.

Hanka—A Brother

Hanka only found out much, much later. And even then, only because her mother called her into the bathroom.

“Come here, wash my back!” she yelled, and Hanka appeared immediately. She couldn’t stand soaping and washing Sabina’s freckled body, but there was no way to avoid it.

“Yes?” she whispered, standing in the doorway. From there she could clearly see her mother’s breasts. Two flabby balloons floating on the surface of the bubbly water. She cringed in disgust. The bathroom was stuffy. Musty.

“Come in. I’ll show you something,” Sabina ordered, putting the cigarette out in the shampoo lid. She always smoked in the bathtub. It was gross. Hanka entered the bathroom as slowly as she could. She had been hit with the showerhead a number of times, so she was vigilant. But this time Sabina looked happy. She moved like a humpback whale. Hanka smiled cautiously. Only slightly, so as not to provoke Sabina.

“Look!” Sabina got up a little bit. Hanka jumped away. She clenched her fists, as if she were ready to fight.

A round belly appeared above the water. It seemed almost transparent. A dark line, like a scar, ran down it, as if the belly might open and expose her mother’s guts. Stomach. Intestines. Kidneys.

From time to time the taut skin quivered like a membrane. Something like a bulge appeared on the bottom of the hemisphere of her belly. As if something inside were trying to get out. Hanka started to scream.

“Don’t scream the place down, stupid!” her mother scolded. “It’s your little brother.”

“Brother?” Hanka went silent, but she was still frightened. This monstrous gut horrified her with its sheer size and with its disgusting, moving, chaotic bulges. The dark line seemed to widen.

“Why are you still standing here?” Sabina spat, getting irritated. “A brother! He’ll be born soon. I hope you’re happy,” She chuckled and lit another cigarette. “And now: wash my back.”

Then one day Sabina was hanging curtains in bedroom. Hanka hadn’t a clue what had inspired her mother to do this. She’d never been very fond of cleaning. But the bigger her belly got, the more firmly Sabina scrubbed the floors, and the more often she vacuumed the flat. She emptied cupboards and drawers. She washed and ironed. Hanka was astounded. She finally had a normal mother, devoting entire days to scouring out the flat and complaining about muddy shoes. Sometimes the girl made some mess intentionally just to listen to Sabina’s grumbles.

It was Friday, right before the first of May. The parachute-like seeds of dandelions floated in the air. Sabina decided to clean windows. It was about time—throughout
Tysiąclecie
everyone else had already taken care of it. Sabina sent Janusz to work and told Hanka to stay home.

“It won’t be a problem if you miss one day at school. They just talk loads of bullshit there anyway. Stay at home, you’ll help me carry water,” she decided. The girl was glad. But surprised.

After breakfast, Hanka filled the bucket with water, poured half a dose of dishwashing liquid into it, and lugged it to the bedroom. She put the heavy bucket down with effort. A few drops fell onto the parquet. Hanka wiped them off with her sock.

Sabina was standing on the chair. Her huge belly touched the windowpane—it seemed as though her belly button was kissing it.

“Finally,” she growled and pointed at the windowsill. “Put it here, not on the floor. And go away, you’re disturbing me.”

Hanka put the bucket where she was told, then went to lie down on her bed. She closed her eyes. She could hear dribbling water, the sounds of rags being wrung, the rustle of newspapers—which Sabina used to polish panes—and the chirping sound of clean glass. The sounds of the housing estate came through the open windows. Barking, trumpeting, the bumping of a basement door that hadn’t been shut properly. Calming thumping. Hanka dozed off.

“Bring the net curtains,” she heard, and immediately opened her eyes. Sabina had finished polishing. She looked like a proper housewife, with sweaty hair clinging to her forehead and a sponge in her hand. It was a welcome sight for Hanka.

“I’m coming!” she called, and raced off to the bathroom.

Sabina had taken down the net curtains earlier, bundling them into the washing machine and setting it to the highest temperature. Some foam appeared above the flap. With an effort, Hanka took the laundry out of the washing machine and pulled it into the bedroom. She wasn’t able to actually lift the soaked curtains and they left a wet mark on the floor behind her.
A seal’s tail of net curtain
, she thought. Funny.

Sabina, by contrast, had no trouble with the curtains. She hoist them onto her shoulder and reached for the curtain rod. Hanka lay down again. She had closed her eyes for a moment so she could fully enjoy the powdery smell of the laundry, when she heard a groan.

“No!” Sabina whispered, and Hanka sat up straight.

“Mom?” she asked, frightened. “Mom?”

“It’s coming!” Sabina said quietly. “The baby is coming!” She was breathless. All at once she bent in two, like a pocketknife, and fell off the chair onto a bureau covered with piles of paper and creased clothes. She slipped onto the floor and froze against the wall. Her labored breathing was the only sign that she was alive.

Hanka rushed to her mother.

“Mom, Mom!” she cried out, as if repeating it could turn back the clock and put Sabina safely back on her chair. As if it could cancel the thump she made when she fell. “Mum, open your eyes!” Hanka said over and over.

Then she noticed that Sabina’s belly has become flabby. Warm water appeared under her mother’s body. It smelled like a stream. Hanka knew what it meant.

“The baby!” she screamed, jumping to her feet.

She began to run from the bed to Sabina and back. She switched the light on and then back off. Fixed the pillows. She jumped on the bed for a moment. She ran frantically over the soft mattress, her feet sinking into it. She hurried out to the hall, then returned wearing her coat. It made no sense. Sabina didn’t get up. And she probably wasn’t going to get up or go anywhere on her own. “Calm down!” Hanka raced into the living room, then the kitchen. She couldn’t find anything that would help. In the end she covered her mother with a blanket she took from the couch in the living room and stood next to her.

“Mom?” she asked. She couldn’t make up her mind: stay or leave?

Sabina opened her eyes slightly.

“Run to the neighbours, find someone,” she muttered. “Run for help. Waters broke. It’s coming,” her mother whispered and pulled the blanket up. Hanka felt she had done something right. The blanket was a good idea! It came in handy! She nodded and almost saluted.

“I’m going, you stay here,” she whispered and left immediately.

At first she raced upstairs to Ram’s. They had a phone. The elderly granny was always sitting at home. She ran, stumbling on the steps from time to time. She counted the floors loudly. On the third floor, she banged on the door rather than clear her throat or gently knock.

“Mrs. Ram, Mrs. Ram, help me!” she cried.

She stopped for a moment and heard someone behind the door. The old lady was in her flat.

“Mrs. Ram, help my Mum! Open up!” Hanka kept yelling. But the old lady still hadn’t opened the door. Hanka was sure she heard the spyhole click. An old eye flashed. Then the apartment went quiet. Nasty lizard! She wouldn’t open!

The girl ran to the door across the hall, knocking and crying out. Nothing. She raced to the fourth floor, then the second and first floors. She drummed on the railing with her hands, babbling and screaming. What if the baby came out? She would have to cut the umbilical cord! Agata had told her about it. No, no, not that. She began to kick on another door. No one opened. They were all used to the screaming of the neighbours and didn’t want to meddle in some scandal from the first floor.

“Help, help!” Hanka cried again and again. “Help!”

Crying, she returned to the Ram’s door. She kicked it a few more times. It made no sense. She had to go back. To watch this
something
crawl out of Sabina’s belly. She was about to go home again when she heard the clanking sound of a door being unlocked. Surprised, she squatted, so as not to fall. After a long, long time Mrs. Ram’s face appeared in the darkness of the flat. Half her face. The rest was hidden inside.

“What’s going on?” she whispered.

“Mom is in labor,” Hanka whispered and sat down heavily. Her mission was completed now.

“Holy Jesus!” Mrs. Ram shrieked. “Come on, kid! We’ll call the doctor!” Mrs. Ram grabbed Hanka’s hand and pulled her inside.

An ambulance appeared almost immediately. Hanka didn’t even have a chance to say that she was the patient’s daughter. There was no time.

“Quickly, take her downstairs, we’re going.” That was all Hanka could understand from what the paramedics said. Sabina didn’t say a word to her. She lay stiff. She looked like she was trying not to pee. Hanka found the sight amusing.

The van door slammed. Red light flashed. A siren scared the pigeons. The ambulance started off and quickly disappeared. Hanka returned to the flat. She closed the door carefully, as Sabina had taught her. “You never know what danger can come here, right to our housing estate,” Sabina always used to say.

Hanka sat by the kitchen window, just like her mother used to do. The block standing opposite to theirs was decorated with flags, celebrating the first of May. They hung dolefully as if they were dead. Soaked with yesterday’s rain.