Access Denied (and other eighth grade error messages) (23 page)

AFTER LUNCH ON MONDAY, TWO of Kara’s friends kept looking at me while I was washing my hands in the bathroom. Then they started
talking. Was I insane, or was this the stupidest conversation in the world?

THE KARA SIMPSON FIRING SQUAD

Place:
South Hall Girl’s Restroom

Time:
Right after lunch and before Spanish

Players:
Kara’s curly-haired friend, her uncurly-haired friend, and me

ACTION BEGINS

Curly-haired friend:
Just so you know, there’s no way Mark could like you.

Me:
I know. We’re just friends. (Both roll their eyes.)

Me:
Why are you rolling your eyes? I’m agreeing with you. (Another set of eye rolls.)

Me:
You can’t have it both ways. Either you think he likes me or you don’t.

Non-curly haired friend:
I think he
thinks
he likes you but he really doesn’t because how could he? (Waves hand up and down over me like evidence of my unlikeableness
is scribbled on my T-shirt and jeans.)

Curly:
And when he realizes he doesn’t really like you, he’ll come crawling back to Kara and she won’t take him back.

Me:
So she doesn’t like him anymore?

Non-curly:
She can’t stand him.

Me:
If she can’t stand him, why does she care if he’s friends with me?

Curly:
Omigod. Don’t you know anything?

Me:
I guess not.

Non-curly:
Well, we’re not going to tell you.

Me:
It makes no sense.

Curly:
Not to you.

What??!!

I had to leave before my brain exploded.

And here’s what I don’t get. Boy breaks up with Girl. Girl still likes Boy. Girl doesn’t want Other Girls around Boy, no matter
what. OGs who know how Girl feels have some guilt about hanging out with Boy, even if OGs and Boy are just friends.

First of all, WHY do OGs feel like they can’t be friends with Boy after a breakup? Especially if they were friends before
Boy and Girl even started going out? Boys’ relationships are so much simpler than girls’. Why can’t we just shove each other,
fart, go back to playing basketball, and be done with it?

I tried to apologize to Jilly on Wednesday when we got on the bus, but she immediately sat down with the same girl she was
with last week when they talked about Kara. Fine. Be that way. I chatted with Rosie, who was nice enough not to bring up the
Friend Freeze she had to be feeling across the aisle, while I tried hard to ignore how cold it felt.

During I-Club on Thursday, Reede and I were working on some animation for the home page. Well, I was working. She was watching
and occasionally saying things like, “Is it supposed to be going backward?” I was just about finished when she asked me how
things with Blake were going.

“Great,” I said, trying to sound like they were. “You going out with anyone?”

“I’d never go out with anyone here,” she said, laughing.

“That’s not what I asked you,” I said.

Reede looked surprised but before she could respond, Serena spoke up.

“If you two are finished planning your social life,” she said, “could the Queen Bee please check out how us lowly worker bees
did on the Contact Us page?”

“Well, Worker Bee,” I said. “Have you tested it yet?”

Joe nodded. “Three times. It seems to be working but I wanted you to look it over.”

“He doesn’t trust me,” Serena said.

Joe blushed. “That’s not it. It’s just that Erin’s the leader of our group and—”

“No bickering, kids,” Reede said. She leaned around me. “So, how’s it look, Leader?”

I glanced at Serena, who was staring defiantly at her monitor. “I don’t need to look at it,” I said. “Serena could make an
interactive form with two mice tied behind her back.”

Serena looked up at me, startled.

“You’re good at those forms, Serena,” I said. “But if you want me to look at it before Ms. Moreno does, I will.”

Serena clicked around the page, not really doing anything. “We did test the page three times,” she said finally. “I guess
we’ll take our chances.”

When the meeting was over, I stayed back to clean up. As I stepped out of the room, Serena was waiting for me.

“So,” she said, “you really think I’m good at interactive forms?”

“Duh,” I said. “You did most of them last year. Don’t you think you’re good?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” She smiled as she turned down the hall toward her locker, her head held a little higher.

Score one for the Positive Influence.

Mark was waiting in the hall when I turned the corner. “So how’s your group working out?” he asked as we started walking toward
the doors leading to the buses.

“I’m handling it,” I said, shifting my backpack so it hung over my right shoulder, separating us. It was a little weird being
with him knowing people thought he liked me, not to mention the crazy conversation I’d had with Kara’s friends in the bathroom
on Monday. But I still wanted our friendship. “Serena has been fine and Reede pretty much lets me run the show. It’s weird,
but I don’t think she—”

I stopped talking and Mark stopped walking.

Kara stood at the intersection of the two hallways with her friends. She was staring at us.

“Uh oh,” I said under my breath.

“I didn’t know she had an after-school activity on Thursdays,” Mark said.

“Yeah, well, I think I’m walking with her after-school activity.” I picked up my pace so I was a few steps ahead of him. “See
you later.”

Mark caught up and grabbed my arm. “You don’t have to leave just because she’s here.”

I glanced at Kara. I could almost feel the heat of her glare burning into my skin. “I don’t want to cause any trouble.”

Mark groaned. “Girls always make such a big deal out of everything.”

I turned and looked at him. “Mark, this
is
a big deal. She really likes you. You broke up with her. She sees you with me and even though we’re just friends, it hurts.”

Mark sighed. His eyes shifted and his face relaxed. “She’s gone.” We started down the hall again. “This really sucks,” he
said. “I mean, am I not supposed to be with any friends who are girls because she’ll get upset? What are the rules here?”
He ran his hand through his hair and I had a brief peek at the eye underneath his bangs before the curtain closed over it
again. “Is there some kind of a time limit on this? Like, after two months can I actually live my life without worrying about
how it will make Kara feel?”

He had a point. “I don’t know,” I said. “I guess it shouldn’t be so complicated, but it is.”

“You’re right,” he said. “It shouldn’t be.” He shifted his backpack on his shoulder. “Why don’t you girls go figure out a
way to make it less complicated and then let us guys in on it.”

I laughed. “I’ll get right on that, Sacks.”

He rolled his eyes. “Did you know she thinks I broke up with her because she thinks I like you?”

“Well that’s dumb,” I said, though a teeny tiny part of me hoped he’d say it wasn’t.

Why?

I sighed and told him about the Harry and Sally thing.

“That makes no sense,” he said. “We’re proof you can be friends.”

“I know.” I didn’t point out that we’d never really been just friends without one of us liking someone else. Darn Jilly and
her stupid theories.

*   *   *

Jilly was sitting on my front porch when I got home. “Okay, so this is stupid,” she said, standing up.

“Yeah, it is,” I said, relieved. “I didn’t mean what I said. I
do
have fun going to the mall with you.”

Jilly laughed. “No, you don’t. You hate it. And I’m sorry I’ve been acting so stupid and ignoring you.”

“I knew why,” I said. “It’s okay.” I smiled. “And I don’t hate going to the mall. I just don’t like all the shopping.”

Jilly furrowed her brow. “So you didn’t shop with Reede?”

“No, we—” How do you describe wandering around, following guys that you were pretending you weren’t following, and flirting
like crazy?

“You what?”

So I told her. She squealed at all the right places and asked all the right questions.

“Wow,” she said, when I was finished. “I wish I could have been there.”

“Me, too.”

“Oh, I almost forgot,” she said, pulling a cherry Tootsie Pop out of her pocket. “This is for you.”

I took it and grinned, thinking about Mr. F and the wisdom of the Pop. I was glad that good friends lasted a long time, even
when you gave them a little nip.

“I don’t know what happened, Erin,” Jilly said as we headed up to my room. “When I saw you totally laughing and having fun
with Reede, I just flipped out. I mean, I was a little jealous last year with Rosie but there’s something about Reede—” She
shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t really like her but you should be able to be friends with her if you want.”

“Thanks. I think.” We both laughed as we sat down on my bed. I took a breath and told her about Blake.

“So what are you going to do?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” Part of me wanted to keep seeing him because I liked the idea of having a boyfriend, of knowing someone was
there, thinking about me, sending me e-mails and IMing me. I’d probably never have what Jilly had with Bus Boy so I should
take what I could, right?

But I knew that wasn’t fair to Blake.

I sighed heavily. “That’s a lie. I do know what I’m going to do.”

Jilly reached over and held my hand as I considered the fact that Erin Penelope Swift, the girl who never got the guy, was
about to dump a really cute, really nice one who actually liked her.

ON SATURDAY I PLANNED TO meet Blake at the park, far from “our tree spot.” I told my parents I was going to Jilly’s again.
It didn’t really feel like a lie because I knew I’d go to her house afterward, when it was over.

I took my time getting there, putting off what I was about to do. My hands were sweating, my heart was pounding, and I was
completely out of breath even though I was riding as slowly as possible without actually stopping completely. When I got to
the bench where we’d agreed to meet, Blake was already there. His face lit up when he saw me and I felt like the biggest loser
in the world.

I got off my bike and rolled it over to where he stood, putting it between us. He tried to kiss me right away but I pulled
back.

“Hi,” I said, looking everywhere but at his face.

“Hey,” he said. “You want to sit down?”

“I’m okay.” I rocked my bike forward and backward in front of me.
Say it, Erin.
“I wanted to talk to you, Blake.”

I could feel his eyes on me. I knew I should look at him but I couldn’t.

“Is your mom freaking about us?”

I bit my lip. It would be easy to use her as an excuse; that she was worried about us getting too serious. But that wasn’t
right.

I smiled. “My mom freaks about everything lately,” I said, looking out across the park toward the playground. “But that’s
not what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okaaay.” I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my forehead but I still couldn’t look at him.

“Blake, um—” I wrung my hands and look at the ground. “This is really hard.”

“What’s hard?” he said.

“I—well.” Finally, I looked up at him. I took a breath. “I think I’d just like to be friends.”

“Friends?” He rammed his bike tire against a bench. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m really sorry,” I said. “My feelings—well, I don’t know. I have a lot of fun with you and I still want to have that foosball
rematch but—”

“Are you saying you don’t like me anymore?” Blake interrupted.
“You,
Erin Swift, don’t like
me,
Blake Thornton, anymore?”

“I like you,” I said quietly. “Just not
that
way.”

“How exactly does that happen?” His voice was steel and I knew if I looked up, his blue eyes would be icy. “It’s only been
a few weeks.”

“I don’t know,” I said, my foot tracing a pattern in the grass. “It just did.”

He snorted. “You like someone else, right?”

“No,” I said. “It’s not that.”

He shook his head. “People told me not to go out with an eighth grader, but I thought you were different. More mature, like
Jilly,” he said. “Guess I was wrong.”

That got my attention.

“So I’m not mature because I don’t like you anymore? Is that what you’re saying?”

He glared at me. “Whatever. I was going to call it quits anyway. You just beat me to it.”

What? A minute ago he was about to kiss me.

“Then you must feel the same way,” I said. “So it’s not a big deal.”

“
You’re
not a big deal,” he said, smacking his bike tire one last time against the bench before yanking it toward the path. “Have
a nice life.”

I watched him ride away, my heart sinking a bit. Had I made a mistake? Maybe if we’d spent more time together, the feelings
would have come back. I was new at this relationship stuff. What did I know? Maybe I hadn’t given it a chance and Jilly the
Relationship Expert hadn’t bothered to tell me. I almost raised my hand to call him back, tell him I was kidding, I was wrong,
I didn’t know what I was saying.

But I didn’t. I just got on my own bike and pedaled straight to Jilly’s house.

“What a jerk,” Jilly said, when I got to her house. “Of course he’s hurt but he should appreciate your honesty. At least you
didn’t do it in a text or e-mail like a lot of people do.”

“Don’t say anything to Bus Boy,” I said. “It will just make it worse.” I wanted to forget about it and move on but the scene
kept replaying itself in my mind like a bad music video.

If only the music would stop.