Accident (32 page)

“I know. I try not to think about it, just about what has to be done for her.” He nodded, admiring her, he just couldn't face it.

“What are we going to do about us?” he asked, and then opened the door to the garden. “Why don't we talk out here so no one hears us.”

She followed him and they sat on two chairs.

“It doesn't work this way, does it? I thought we could get away with it for a while, until I figured out what's happening. But I'm never here, you're always mad, and I feel pulled in a thousand directions. And every time I get home, I see Andy looking at me, or the hurt or anger in your eyes, or I realize I can barely make myself go see Allie …” And Stephanie was pushing him to move in with her, and he wasn't sure he was ready to do that either. “Maybe I should stay somewhere for a while. In a way, I'd rather be here. But it doesn't work for anyone.” She thought long and hard about what he was saying. At first, she had wanted him to stay at home too, but not the way things were now. It was nightmarish this way, and they both knew it. They had to face it. It was over.

She caught her breath before she said the words, and once they were out, she couldn't believe she'd said them. If anyone had told her a month before, she wouldn't have believed them. “I think you should move out,” she said in barely more than a whisper.

“You do?” He looked surprised as he stared at her. But in a way, it was a relief to hear her say it.

“I do.” She nodded slowly. “It's time. We've been kidding ourselves for the past few weeks. I think it was over long before I knew it. You would never have told me what you were doing, about …your other life …unless you were ready to let go of this one. I just didn't understand that when you told me.”

“Maybe you're right,” he said unhappily. “Maybe I should never have said anything.” But he couldn't take it back now, he couldn't undo what he'd done, and in truth, he didn't want to. “I wish I knew the answers, Page.”

“So do I.” She looked at him, wondering how they had come to this. Was it all because of the accident, or was that just the catalyst? Things had to have been ready to fall apart before, or this would never have happened. “I always thought we had such a perfect life,” she said, thinking back on it. “Even now, I can't see where we went wrong …what we did … or should have done …”

“You couldn't have done anything,” he said honestly, “I was fucking up for a long time. You just didn't know it.”

“I guess not,” she said, suddenly grateful that she hadn't known sooner. They had had sixteen years that she cherished now. She still couldn't believe they were over. “What'll we tell Andy?” She looked worried again. It was amazing, sitting here, discussing this, like a party they were going to give, or a trip, or a funeral. She hated every minute of it, but it had to be done, it was better to face it. “We have to say something to him soon.”

“I know. We tell him the truth, I guess …that I'm an asshole.”

She smiled at him in the dark. He was an asshole at times, but she still loved him. In some ways, she would have liked to turn the clock back, in others she knew it wasn't possible. Even after only three weeks of destruction, it had gone too far now. The whole foundation of their marriage had been undermined long since, and the entire structure had finally caved in. In truth, it had been a long time coming. And the fact that she hadn't known it was happening didn't lessen the power of the collapse. Everything around them was falling.

“What do you think you'll do?” she asked quietly. “Move in with her?” It sounded like he already had, part time at least, from what her friend said.

“I don't know yet. That's what she'd like. But I need some time to catch my breath.” It wasn't going to be easy for them. Their relationship had been built on lies, and lust, and cheating. It was harder to build on something like that, and he was beginning to understand that. “When do you want me to go?”

For an instant, she wished he could still be everything she had always thought he was. But he wasn't. “Before we destroy Andy and each other,” she said, sounding calmer than she felt. “It's been getting worse pretty quickly.”

“You've been pretty angry, and you've been right,” he admitted. This was the most civilized conversation they'd had since the accident. It was sad that they had only come to their senses in time to end it. “I'll try not to aggravate things while I get organized. I'm going to New York tomorrow. I'll be back Thursday. Maybe I can figure something out by next weekend. How much longer do you think your mother will be here?” It was a little difficult ending their marriage and moving out with his mother-in-law in the guest room. But he was surprised by Page's answer.

“I'm going to ask them to leave tomorrow morning. I'm not going to have her here anymore. It's not good for me … or for Andy.” She was cleaning all of it out, him, her mother, Alexis. In their own ways, they were using her, and hurting her, and she had understood that night, as she sat talking to Trygve, and when Andy had run away after that, that it was time to stop it.

“I respect you a lot, you know,” he said softly in the night air. “I always have. I don't know where things went wrong. Maybe I wasn't ready for all you had to give.” He was twenty-eight when they got married, but he had never really given up the idea that he could do whatever he wanted, and now there was a hell of a price to pay for it.

“You'll feel better when I'm gone,” he said sadly. “You can get on with your life then.”

“I'll be lonely too. This isn't going to be easy for anyone,” she told him honestly, and then she looked at him in the dark night. “What are we going to do about Allie?”

“There's nothing we can do. That's what gets to me so badly. I don't know how you sit there night and day. I'd go crazy.”

“I'm getting there. But what if she never comes back?” she whispered.

“I don't know. I try not to think about it. What if she does, and she's not the same. You know …like that kid …Bjorn … I don't think I could stand it, knowing what she used to be. I guess we just have to accept whatever comes, don't we? At first, I thought we had more choices. But now I realize we don't. … Or maybe we did then, we could have chosen not to operate, but then we'd have killed her. We did all the right stuff, and nothing's happening. But I'll tell you one thing, if she stays in the coma indefinitely, you can't sit there for years … or it'll destroy you. You're going to have to work that out eventually.” But it was still too soon. The accident had happened a little over three weeks before. And there was still a strong possibility she could come out of the coma.

“Don't let your life turn into that, Page …” he said, pleading with her “…you deserve so much more than that …more than I had to give you.”

She nodded, and turned away, trying not to think of what it would be like when he left. She looked up at the sky then, and saw stars, as she wondered how their life had gone so wrong …how they could have come so far …how this could have happened to them …and to Al-lie….

CHAPTER 13

P
age waited quietly the next morning for her mother to get up, and when she did, she made breakfast for her and Alexis, and served it to them at the kitchen table. And then she told them quietly that they had to leave, that a week had been long enough, and this was not a good time for her to have them out there. She made no reference to the night before, and no apology, and they must have known she meant business, because neither of them argued with her. Her mother said that David was missing Alexis terribly, and she had to get home herself to see about repainting her apartment.

They were the perfect excuses, and Page didn't give a damn what stories they told each other about leaving. She wanted them out of her house by that night, and she had already booked them on a four
P.M.
flight in first class, much to her mother's amazement. She had also arranged for a limousine that would pick them up and take them to the airport. The limousine would be there at two o'clock, in plenty of time for their flight. And they could have lunch before they left the house, and even visit Allyson one last time, if they wanted to do that.

“Actually …” her mother stalled “…it takes me so long to pack. And Alexis said she thought she was getting one of her headaches. Of course, if you want us to visit Allyson, maybe we should take a flight tomorrow.” There was not a chance of that, as long as Page was alive. She was not letting them stay another moment. She was taking charge of her life again. As painful as it was, she had told Brad he had to move out, and now she was sending them back to New York.

“I don't think Allyson will mind,” Page said facetiously, but they took it seriously and said to be sure she told her that they both sent their love.

She stayed with them until they left, and then changed their beds, did two loads of wash, and vacuumed her whole house. She felt as though she was taking care of things, and doing what she could to get her life back in order. Their departure had been remarkably unemotional, considering the fireworks the night before. Nothing more needed to be said now.

Alexis had put on a new hat, her mother wore one of the new suits they'd bought, they kissed the air somewhere around Page's face, and they disappeared into the limousine while Page watched them. And she felt a wave of relief wash over her as she cleaned her house and realized they were gone. It felt particularly good when she cleaned Allyson's room, and the only thing that startled her was the unbelievable quantity of laxatives that Alexis had forgotten. She was a very sick woman, Page knew, but no one else seemed to be aware of that, or maybe they were and they didn't care. She was trying to make herself disappear, as well as everything that had happened to her, and it was a terrible way to do it. In her own way, she wanted to be a little girl again, the little girl she had been before her father raped her.

Page picked Andy up at school at four o'clock, feeling freer than she had in weeks, certainly since the accident, and he asked if they could stop off to buy a bunch of roses. Page suggested that he might like to give them to Chloe at the hospital because Allyson couldn't have them in ICU, and he agreed. He was excited about seeing her, and he talked about her all the way there, and Page reminded him again of what Allie would look like.

“I know, I know,” he said importantly, “like she's asleep.”

“No,” Page explained again, “different. She has a big bandage on her head, and her arms and legs are very thin, and there's a tube in her throat that helps her breathe, attached to a big machine that breathes for her. Sometimes it all looks pretty scary, particularly if you've never seen it before. Okay? You can talk to her, but she won't answer you.”

“I know. She's sleeping.”

He felt very important to be going to visit her, and he had talked about it at school all day. When they got to the hospital, he could hardly wait to get out of the car, and he held Page's hand as they hurried into the lobby.

They had bought pink roses finally for Chloe, and he bought one beautiful gardenia to give his sister. “She's gonna love it,” he said proudly, carrying it himself. But in spite of all her preparations, Page could see he was stunned when he saw her. And for some reason, she looked particularly bad that day. She was pale, and they had changed the bandage and it looked bigger and whiter. It was obvious too that her hair was all gone, and there suddenly seemed to be more machines than ever. There weren't, of course, but it seemed that way to Page, as she watched Andy stare at her. And then he moved slowly forward, and put the gardenia next to his sister on the pillow.

“Hi, Allie,” he whispered, his eyes huge, and then he touched her hand, and Page couldn't keep from crying. “It's okay … I know you're asleep …Mom told me.” He stood looking at her for a long time, and stroking her hand, and then he leaned over and kissed her. Everything around her smelled medicinal, except for the gardenia he had brought her.

“Dad's going to New York today,” he explained, “and Mom said I could see you again sometime soon. I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.” Nothing stirred except the machines, and Page cried silently as the nurses watched them. “I love you, Allie …it's no fun at home without you.” He wanted to tell her Mom and Dad fought all the time, but he didn't want to hurt his mother's feelings. And he wanted to beg her to come home. He really missed his older sister. “Oh …and I have a new friend …Bjorn …you know, Chloe's brother. He's eighteen, but he isn't really.” He turned around and smiled at his mom, and he was surprised to see her crying. “Are you okay, Mom?”

“I'm fine,” she said, smiling at him through her tears. She was so proud of him, and she loved him so much. And she was glad she had brought him. She hadn't realized till then how much he needed to see his sister. And even if Allie died now, he would feel he had reached out to her, and said good-bye. She hadn't disappeared in the middle of the night into a vacuum.

He talked to Allie for a little while, and then he turned to Page and said he was ready to visit Chloe. He looked at his sister for a long moment then, and stood on tiptoe to kiss her.

“I'll see you soon …okay? … try to wake up soon, Al. We really miss you … I love you, Allie,” he said, and taking his mother's hand, he left ICU with his bunch of pink roses for Chloe.