Adam and the Arkonauts (8 page)

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CHAPTER 12

‘I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. A night in prison. A poor old man traumatised, his trousers stained. Innocent pot plants upended. The apology and the money I immediately handed over will be scant compensation for the stress you have caused.'

It was the next morning. The Doctor had just returned to the
Ark of the Parabola
and Adam and Sniffage were being told off.

‘Have I not always told you that in order to get others to treat animals with respect it is important to avoid the kind of stereotypical behaviour which permits people to think that animals are lower forms of life?'

‘But –' Adam began.

‘No, Adam,' said the Doctor. ‘There is no excuse for it. When Sniffage starts charging round a hotel, it feeds into the prejudices of those who regard dogs as dangerous. And don't say that you had nothing to do with it, because I know you connived with Sniffage in this appalling display. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.'

‘But –' Adam tried again.

‘I agree with the Doctor,' said Simia, who had been watching the telling-off and was eager to offer her views. ‘Creatures like you two let the rest of us down.'

‘Creatures like the four of you are keeping me awake,' yowled Malibu from his barrel. ‘I am running a big winks deficit over here.'

‘But –' began Adam.

‘I don't want to hear another word,' said the Doctor. ‘I couldn't be more disappointed in you both.'

Adam reached under his jumper and pulled out a sheet of paper, which he dropped on the table in front of the Doctor. ‘It's the top page of the hotel register. I slipped behind the desk and ripped it out while Sniffage was distracting everybody.'

The Doctor was speechless.

‘You mean,' he said after a shocked silence, ‘that not only have you vandalised the property of others, but you have also used deception in order to do so? This is your grandfather's influence.'

‘I've never met him,' Adam pointed out. ‘So how could he influence me?'

‘I meant his genetic influence,' said the Doctor, ‘wired deep in your DNA. Believe me, it is not a good sign.'

But as he spoke, the Doctor eyed the torn page keenly.

‘Leave it with me,' he said gruffly. ‘I don't trust you to be responsible for anything!'

There was a sudden fluttering above them and, with a clunk, Vlad landed on the deck. The Doctor rushed over to the bat.

‘Are you all right, Vlad?'

‘Blood!' gasped Vlad. ‘I need blood.'

‘Adam,' said the Doctor, ‘Vlad needs some blood.'

‘I haven't got any.'

‘You have approximately four litres circulating your body as I speak.'

‘I'd like it to stay there.'

‘Don't be so sentimental. You know any blood you spill will soon be replaced. Get a knife, cut your finger and dribble the blood into a cup.'

Reluctantly, Adam did as he was told.

Meanwhile Vlad decided that he was dying.

‘I . . . would like . . . to make . . . a will,' he informed the Doctor between squeaks of pain.

‘You don't have anything to leave,' Doctor Forest pointed out.

‘I have my sombrero,' the bat insisted indignantly, temporarily forgetting his squeaks of pain.

‘Hurry up with that blood, Adam,' said the Doctor.

‘I would like to leave my sombrero to my sister,' continued Vlad. ‘You will find her hanging upside down in a deserted mine shaft somewhere near La Paz.'

‘Thanks for the precise directions,' said the Doctor.

‘And now,' said Vlad, preparing himself bravely, ‘I must go to the great bat cave in the sky.' And he closed his eyes.

Adam arrived with the cup.

Vlad opened one eye.

‘Is that fresh blood I smell?'

Adam nodded.

‘I am too far gone now to recover but perhaps if you were to tip it towards my fangs, then I would have one last drink to soothe me on my way.'

Adam tipped the cup towards the bat's mouth. He couldn't help shuddering when Vlad's fangs shot out greedily to suck up the blood. Whatever the Doctor said, there was something altogether unpleasant about it.

‘Mmm,' said Vlad, licking the last dribble from his fangs. ‘Remind me what year you were born.'

Adam told him.

‘An excellent year,' Vlad remarked, evidently having made a complete recovery. ‘Full-bodied and rich with fruity overtones.'

‘As you seem to have revived,' interrupted the Doctor, ‘perhaps you could tell us what you found out about the location of the Dreadful Alarm.'

‘My life dangles yet on a thin thread,' cautioned Vlad. ‘But I suppose we may hope that I'll pull through.'

‘Tell me' There was steel in the Doctor's tone. Vlad decided to answer with uncharacteristic speed.

‘I honed in on the sonar waves from the alarm and followed them inland as fast as I could. They led me over the city and into the hills beyond, and just as I felt I was about to locate the source of the alarm it ceased. By now, the sun had weakened me so much I could barely go on. Nonetheless, I perservered.'

‘So you know where the alarm is coming from!' cried Adam excitedly.

‘Not exactly,' admitted Vlad. ‘Once the alarm had ceased, the echoes could only give me an approximate location. But if you find the fairground in the hills – it will not be far.'

‘Thank you, Vlad,' said the Doctor.

Vlad saw he had the attention of the others and decided to bleed it for all it was worth.

‘I hope,' the bat said dramatically, ‘that I can find a way to recover from this traumatic near-death experience.'

‘I can recommend a therapist in LA,' Malibu drawled. ‘He helped me through some issues.'

‘What issues?' said Adam.

‘I wasn't sleeping well,' Malibu explained. ‘Sometimes only sixteen hours a day. It all went back to my relationship with my mom apparently. You see –'

‘Shouldn't we go there right away?' Adam cut in, turning to the Doctor.

‘Not so fast,' his father said. ‘We need to gather more intelligence on the precise location. This would be far easier from the air.'

‘But we can't fly,' pointed out Adam.

‘And I'm not going,' announced Vlad. ‘I'm exhausted. I'm going to hang upside down until I feel better.'

‘I wasn't thinking of you,' said the Doctor.

Adam guessed who he was thinking about. There were only two other Arkonauts who could fly.

‘Gogo,' he called. ‘Pozzo!'

Two green parrots fluttered down from the crow's nest, where they had been perched.

‘Nice to see you,' squawked Gogo, who had a slightly bigger beak.

‘To see you nice,' added Pozzo, who was a slightly lighter green. Unlike the other animal Arkonauts, the parrots could speak human language.

‘Hello,' said the Doctor. ‘We need you –'

‘I say, I say, I say!' Gogo continued. ‘What's the difference between a bag of millet and a drunken magpie?'

‘That's –'

‘I don't know,' said Pozzo. ‘What's the difference between a bag of millet and a drunken magpie?'

‘One's bird seed and the other's a seedy bird.'

Both parrots looked expectantly at the others. None of them smiled.

‘That one might need some more work,' conceded Gogo.

Gogo and Pozzo had joined the ship in Jamaica. They had escaped from a birdcage which hung in the bar of a small comedy club. Despite being parrots, they were convinced they could make it big in show business and so spent most of their days high in the rigging of the
Ark of the Parabola
, honing their double act.

‘No more jokes,' commanded the Doctor. ‘I need you to do something. This is very important.'

Gogo and Pozzo decided to shut up and listen.

‘First, I need you to find the Buenos Sueños fairground. There is a large feral population of parrots in Buenos Sueños. Talk to them. Find out whether they have seen anything unusual recently. Somewhere near there is the location of the alarm that has been disturbing the city. It is vital that we find the alarm's source!'

Gogo looked at Pozzo. ‘I've heard of tomato sauce.'

Pozzo looked at Gogo. ‘I've heard of chilli sauce.'

They both looked at the Doctor. ‘But we've never heard of alarm sauce.'

Each joke added a new wrinkle to the Doctor's already furrowed brow. Deciding that they were pushing their luck, Gogo and Pozzo both bobbed their heads to Adam and the Doctor and rose into the sky, fast becoming little green blurs which darted across the city in search of the fairground.

‘What do we do now?' said Adam. ‘Just wait for them to get back?'

‘Of course not,' said the Doctor. ‘We must go through the hotel register.'

‘But I thought you were too annoyed with the way I got it to use it,' said Adam mischievously.

The Doctor gave his son a hard look.

‘I do not approve of what you have done,' he said, picking up the page, ‘but, in the circumstances, I am prepared to overlook it.'

‘Fine,' snapped Adam. ‘I'm going out.'

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CHAPTER 13

Adam stomped off the boat, feeling that life was very unfair. It was one thing for the Doctor to tell him off for the chaos he'd caused in the hotel, another thing entirely to tell him off for doing it to get the hotel register, and then to go and use it without saying thank you.

Something touched his leg.

Sniffage.

‘Yeah! Yeah!' barked the dog. ‘Going for a walk without me! You'd hate it! There'd be no dead things!'

Despite his bad mood, Adam smiled. Sniffage would never let him down.

In the streets, people scuttled past him, yawning and grumpy. They had bags and dark shadows under their eyes. The Dreadful Alarm was certainly having an ever-increasing effect on the citizens of Buenos Sueños, and it wasn't a good one. There were clunks, bangs and curses echoing up and down the street as people bumped into one another, dropped items of shopping or walked into doors by mistake.

‘Watch it, can't you?'

‘Get out of my way.'

‘I've dropped a mango in the gutter.'

‘Your dog's eating my mango.'

‘Sniffage! Regurgitate that lady's fruit.'

Phrases like these, spoken in tired, angry voices, followed Adam as he picked his way through the city. The people were exhausted and it was showing in their mood. Adam told Sniffage to stay as close as possible to him.

It was funny, he reflected, but Buenos Sueños was much easier to walk through when you weren't actually intending to go anywhere. You could ignore the signs pointing in all directions and just pick a road at random, which is how Adam turned one way, then another, to find himself in a tiny deserted square that the sun just managed to squeeze into.

It was surprising it was empty, because it was the most beautiful square Adam had come across in all of Buenos Sueños. In the centre an elegant fountain trickled water, and cooling shade was provided by three tall palm trees. In one corner there was a café with tables outside, but they were all deserted.

Sniffage was not so impressed.

‘Yeah! Yeah! No bad smells,' he barked. ‘Let's go somewhere else.'

But Adam was happy to stay a little longer. Above him he heard shrill bird calls. He looked up. Flying at the level of the highest houses in the square were dozens of swifts, their neat, dark bodies swooping and veering in all directions. It was a fantastic sight. The birds were catching insects on the wing, which they then fed to their chicks, nestled in the eaves of the tall buildings surrounding the square. Adam knew swifts love to fly and hate to land – even sleeping in the air. The only thing that will make them land, and even then just for a moment, is feeding their chicks. So within a second they were back in the air.

Adam wanted to say hello. He knew the Doctor's rules about only using the ability to talk to animals when it was absolutely necessary and never when anybody might see. All right, it wasn't strictly necessary now, but there was nobody around and, anyway, what was the point of being able to talk to animals if the only place you got to do it was on board the
Ark of the Parabola
?

Adam took one more look about him to check that Sniffage was the only creature, apart from the swifts, within earshot. Then he took a deep breath and in bird language cried, ‘Hello!'

The surprised swifts froze mid-flight and looked down.

‘Hello!' repeated Adam.

The swifts realised they were all about to plummet to the ground and promptly flapped their wings again. And they started talking.

‘Hello!'

‘Hello!'

‘Hello!'

‘How are you?'

‘Where did you learn our language?'

‘Is that your dog with its head in a bin?'

They were bombarding him with questions now. This was one of the hazards of talking to creatures who travelled in flocks: they had developed sophisticated methods of having multiple conversations at once, a skill that creatures who only moved alone or in small groups, like humans, lacked.

‘Hello! Well! On a boat! What bin?' cried Adam, answering the questions as fast as he could.

‘Can you fly?'

‘Why don't you have a beak?'

‘Where's your feathers?'

This was undoubtedly the first time a human had ever spoken to them and it was not surprising that they were so interested. Now they swooped and dived around Adam, shrieking more and more questions.

‘Have you got any flies?'

‘Do you go south for the winter?'

‘Why are humans always sitting down?'

‘I think your dog has got his head stuck.'

‘Hang on,' said Adam, as a swift fluttered past his face, while another perched briefly on his head. ‘One at a time.'

His mind was whirling as he tried to order his answers. Maybe talking to the swifts wasn't such a good idea after all. Suddenly, all the swirling dust and feathers gave Adam a violent urge to sneeze.

‘Achoo!'

PHEEEEEEEEEP! PHEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

The blasts from the whistle sent the swifts flying back up, high above the square. Adam turned round. Coming towards him was Officer Grivas. Behind him was Diego, with his paint pot.

‘Halt! Police!' cried Officer Grivas. ‘You are under arrest.'

‘What for?' Adam said. ‘I wasn't doing anything.'

‘Not doing anything?' shouted back Officer Grivas. ‘You were breaking the oldest law in the Buenos Sueños Crime and Punishment Code. Law 1, Section 1, Subsection 1, Paragraph 1. You were spreading plague.'

‘Plague?' cried Adam. ‘I don't have plague.'

‘A likely story,' said Officer Grivas. ‘You were sneezing in a public place without using a handkerchief. Under the Buenos Sueños Crime and Punishment Code that constitutes an attempt to spread plague.'

‘But something flew up my nose,' Adam protested.

‘Your nose is your own responsibility,' said Officer Grivas. ‘Consider yourself under arrest. Diego, paint a juvenile spot for the little señor to stand on.'

Diego did as he was told.

‘Little señor, stand on the spot, please. You owe 224 pesos.'

‘Hey, there's the blackguard who stained my trousers!'

Both Adam and Officer Grivas turned to see Señor Le Blacas emerging from the café.

‘Officer,' demanded Señor Le Blacas, marching angrily across the square, ‘that boy is responsible for the staining of my trousers. Arrest him immediately.'

‘I've already arrested him,' said Officer Grivas.

‘Arrest him again!'

‘I'm not sure I can arrest someone who is already arrested,' said Officer Grivas, looking confused.

‘Can't arrest him again? Pah!' fumed Señor Le Blacas. ‘Liberal nonsense. Why, when I was young you could be arrested twenty or thirty times in a day. The whole of society is going to the dogs.'

It was unfortunate that at this moment Sniffage finally managed to liberate his head from the bin he had stuck it in. He heard Señor Le Blacas's words and barked approvingly – society going to the dogs seemed a very good idea to him.

However, Sniffage's enthusiastic bark had a decidedly unenthusiastic effect on Señor le Blacas. He looked at the dog and shook with rage.

‘That's the beast that spilled coffee on my trousers. Arrest the boy again and shoot the dog!'

Adam gasped in horror. ‘Run, Sniffage, Run!' he cried.

Sniffage didn't have a clue what was going on, but the terror in Adam's voice made it very clear that it was something extremely serious. Before Officer Grivas could unholster his weapon, Sniffage was running away at top speed.

‘He's getting away,' cried Señor Le Blacas.

Officer Grivas raised his revolver, aimed and fired. The bullet flew over Sniffage's head.

‘Lower, you fool, lower,' cried Señor Le Blacas.

‘Faster, Sniffage! Faster,' shouted Adam.

Sniffage disappeared round the corner. Plaster was blasted off the wall where, a moment earlier, his head had been.

With Sniffage gone, Officer Grivas turned towards Adam again.

Adam looked frantically around for some means of escape, but found himself cornered. Then he looked up. Above him, the swifts still circled the small square. It would mean breaking his father's golden rule, but surely even the Doctor would see that this was a special case where he was left with little option.

Adam opened his mouth and shrieked.

‘What are you doing?' demanded Officer Grivas.

The swifts shrieked back and Adam called to them again.

‘Is he talking to them?' said Señor Le Blacas.

‘Nobody can talk to – eurgh!'

A large white bird dropping landed on Officer Grivas's collar.

‘Eurgh!'

Another landed on his shoe.

‘Eurgh!'

A further one landed on his head.

The swifts circled above.

‘Stop that!' Officer Grivas ordered the birds.

While Señor Le Blacas and Diego retreated beneath the parasol of a table in the nearby café, more droppings rained down upon Officer Grivas. But the policeman stood resolutely next to Adam.

‘Why aren't they pooing on you?' he demanded angrily. ‘You're the criminal.'

But the swifts diving and swooping over Officer Grivas showed no desire to change their target. Desperately, he raised his hands to ward off the plummeting poo, but to no avail. Swifts, it appeared, could poo with great accuracy.

‘Aaarggh!' shouted Officer Grivas. ‘It's stinging my eyes.'

‘Shelter over here, Officer,' shouted Señor Le Blacas from under the parasol.

‘I'm blind,' the policeman cried, staggering left and then lurching right. ‘I can't see where I'm going.'

‘Follow my voice,' Señor Le Blacas called.

Officer Grivas doubtless would have managed to reach the safety of the parasol had not the gurgling fountain lain in his path. He tumbled into it with a large splash.

‘Officer down! Officer down!' he shouted, waving his hands wildly. ‘Call for backup! Officer down!'

Adam saw his chance to escape. He stepped off the spot and ran.

Though Officer Grivas couldn't appreciate it at first, falling in the fountain was a very lucky turn of events for him. Until then he had been unable to depoo himself fast enough, but his sudden immersion in the waters of the fountain cleaned him up in an instant. He raised his head just in time to see Adam dash out of the square and down a street.

‘Officer backup!' he shouted again. ‘Prisoner escaping!'

He clambered out of the fountain, reaching for his whistle as he did so. A loud blast would bring other officers of the Buenos Sueños Police Force to his aid in the pursuit of this dangerous felon. He put it to his lips.

Phep!

‘Your whistle is soggy,' observed Diego.

Officer Grivas was crestfallen. But not for long.

‘Come with me, Diego,' he shouted. ‘That boy will stand on the biggest spot in the world by the time I'm finished with him.'

Señor Le Blacas didn't follow them out of the square. Instead he looked thoughtfully up at the swifts and stroked his beard.