Addy And The Smart Guy (Big Girl Panties #3) (25 page)

As soon as he stepped in, he felt his spirits lighten. This was Addy's hangout. The people here knew her and loved her. There was Kellen shooting pool with his girlfriend Zoey. There was Jayce behind the bar. He imagined none of them liked him too much at the moment. The bartender's face was impossible to read.

Grey took a seat at the bar. He didn't have to ask for whiskey, because as soon as he opened his mouth to do it, Jayce slid a double across the counter. "Thanks," Grey said.

"Sure," Jayce said. He made his way down the counter, wiping it down and chatting with other customers. It was a Wednesday night, fairly quiet except for the low murmur of a few customers and the clack of the pool balls.
 

Jayce showed up in time to refill Grey's drink. Then the guy leaned his tattooed forearms on the counter and said, "Wanna talk? Cheaper than a shrink."

Grey let out a laugh. "Yeah, probably about as effective. Honestly, I didn't realize there was anything fucked up about me until I fell for her."

"That happens."

"I was so sure," Grey said. "So sure I had things figured out. I just accepted the fact that I was a douchebag womanizer like my father, like I assumed all men were. Didn't even question it. I figured it was just nature. Just a result of society trying to make men monogamous when they were never meant to be. Seemed like a good explanation."

Grey shook his head and stared down into his dwindling glass of liquor. He slugged it back and slammed the glass down, waiting for Jayce to refill it. "This is such a bad idea. I am not made for heavy drinking."

Jayce chuckled. "I'll start mixing it with water."

Grey slowed down on the drinking, just taking sips. His head was already swimming. "She got drunk last night," he said. "She was pretty cute, drunk. No hangover, either. Woke up just as perky as could be."

"Mm, she fakes that, you know," Jayce said. "Thing is, she wakes up really early, looking like shit. Gets herself cleaned up. Drinks some coffee. Eats some toast. Then she goes back to sleep and when she wakes up again, it's like she never drank a thing."

Grey laughed. "Good to know. Maybe I'll catch her at it one of these days."

"You'd have to stick with her for a while."

"Yeah. Well. I'm not sure that's gonna happen."

"Why not?"

He shook his head and drank some more. "He must not have ever loved her," he mused.

"Who?"

"My dad. Must not have ever loved my mom. If he felt for her the way I feel for…well, he wouldn't be sleeping with other women. He always says, 'I love you,' to her. I used to think that's what love was, a lie the man told his wife so she would stay with him while he went out and fucked other women. But whatever I feel for Addison isn't a lie. I'd never betray her with another woman. I couldn't. It'd kill me." The words just kept spilling out of his mouth. Like he was working out a puzzle. Like his perfect world had come apart in various pieces, and he had to put them back together. Only the picture coming together was different than the one he'd started with.

There was a small hand on his back. Grey couldn't look at her. He just wasn't ready. So he drank some more. "Thanks for calling," he heard her say.

"No problem," Jayce answered.

Grey thought and thought until he found another missing piece. "No one's ever loved me. That's half the problem. They said the words, but it was a lie, so I thought love was a lie. But then you said it to me and it meant something. The other half is, I've never loved. I don't even like to use the word because I don't want to lie to you, and that word has always been a lie."

"God, how much has he drank?" she asked.

Jayce said, "Three doubles. This one's whiskey and water."

"Don't you know better than to give a man that much whiskey when he's this upset?"

"That's the right time to give a man this much whiskey. He's spilling his soul to you, Addy."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

Grey heard their bickering as if from a great distance. He sat up and shoved his hair out of his face. He turned to Addy, his vision swimming. "Why do you love me?"

"Oh, baby, let's don't do this while you're drunk."

For some reason he felt desperate to know the answer. "Please. If you can't tell me why, then it's not real. Then you're just a liar like everyone."

She shook her head and pressed her cheek to his so that her lips were hovering near his ear. He let his eyes roll shut, comforted by the warmth of her nearness.
 

"I love you because I love you," she said. "Because it just is. It's truth, Grey. My body loves your body. My heart loves your heart. My mind loves your mind. It just is. And if you have the courage to believe it, to have faith in it, then you and I can have a beautiful life together."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck and just breathed.

He woke up in Addy's bed with a splitting headache. When he reached for water, it was there. When he reached for aspirin, they were there, too. But Addy wasn't there.
 

He swallowed the pills and drank the water. Then he dozed off again. The next time he woke up, he reached for food, and there was toast and coffee, but still no Addy. The food made him feel better. He sat up, cleared his throat, and shouted, "Addison!"

His mother walked in the room.

"Mom!" he shouted, his voice cracking like a fourteen-year-old caught masturbating. He searched for his t-shirt, found it on the floor next to the bed, and shrugged it on.
 

Gloria sat on the other side of the bed, on the edge, and smiled sadly. "She had a class to attend. She asked me to babysit."

"I've got classes—"

"She's filling in for you. I think she had to cancel one."

Grey took in a cleansing breath and slowly let it out. "Okay. Thanks. You can go, Mom, I'm sobered up and feeling much better."

"I want to talk."

"I most definitely do not want to talk."

"We have to. For the sake of that poor girl."

"Mom, I've got nothing to say. If you have something to say, say it. But I'm done."

Gloria sighed and looked away. "Okay. Well I'll say it, then. I want to be honest about love. That seems to be the problem. You haven't had proper examples to guide you in your understanding, so now I'm going to tell you how it is."

"I know you loved me, mom."

"I didn't. Not always."

Grey gritted his teeth. "Oh," he said. "That kind of honest."

Gloria laughed bitterly. "When you came to us, I loved you in that moment. For a while I held you and loved you. But you were a surprise. You were sudden, and we were already set in our lives. So I gave you into the care of nannies and cooks while I went with your father whom I didn't love and who didn't love me, to parties and events and out-of-town conferences. I didn't love you then. Love is more than a feeling, it involves behavior, and I did not behave as a mother who loves her child. I did love you sometimes, but not always. As you've grown into adulthood, I've respected you because you truly have become a better person than me. A far better person than your father. I've fallen in love with you because your character has demanded it…but I should have loved you unconditionally."

Grey listened numbly.

"I don't love your father. Your father doesn't love anyone. Those are the facts. We use the words, but they aren't real. But Greyson, he and I are just two, broken people in this world. Your Addison, she's not broken. There are plenty of others who aren't broken either, even some who are, who have found true love. You need to open your mind to that possibility."

That was all she said. She sat for a few minutes. Then she left. Grey showered and dressed in the clothes that either Addy or his mother had brought to him. He watched television until Addy came home at lunch.
 

She gave him a sympathetic look. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." He stood and met her just inside the door. She was tall in her black heels, back to prim and proper in her skirt and blouse and tight ponytail. There was something else, too. A wall of some sort. Her smile wasn't as warm as it had been these past weeks. He knew what that meant, but he asked anyway. "It's Thursday. Have you decided?"

Grey watched her breasts lift as she inhaled. He watched the resolve in her eyes, and he braced himself as she said, "I can't go with you. I'm sorry. You should take whichever job you want."

He swallowed down the lump of pain. There would be plenty of time for emotions soon, when he was away from her. "I understand."

"I'd like to volunteer, though. On my own. Do you think you could connect me with a recruiter?"

"Absolutely." He forced his voice to remain detached from the wrenching pain in his chest and stomach.
 

She squinted up at him. "Last night was pretty fucked up, Grey."

He kicked at a spot on the floor. "Yeah, that was a personal rock bottom, I'd say."

"I honestly didn't know you had all that inside of you."

"Neither did I, kiddo. Neither did I."

"I want you to know, I see where you're coming from. I understand why you can't say words or make promises that you don't believe in. I wish it could be different. I wish it was enough for me that you want to be with me. But I believe in forever. If I made a promise to you, I'd keep it, because I believe when two people want the same thing, nothing can stop them. I'd fight for you, work with you, love you. But believe me, I understand why you can't say the same."

He just stared into her eyes, his jaw working. Her words weren't quite the sentimental nonsense he'd always assumed them to be. She was offering him something that was starting to look really good. Was it a phantom hope? An impossible vision? Maybe. But with Addison, surely it would be worth believing in.
 

"Grey," she said.
 

He could only give her a short nod, indicating he was still listening.

"I hope…and I really mean this…I hope someday you find someone who loves you whom you can love. Because you deserve to be loved, Grey. And you deserve to know what it's like to love someone."

He stared at her for a moment, frowning, knowing that if such a thing were possible, then he'd already found that person. He held her as she hugged him goodbye. He couldn't kiss her. He went back to his own apartment, where his pillow smelled like her, and so did that t-shirt she'd worn.
 

He fell back on his bed, closed his eyes, and breathed through the pain. When the turmoil in his soul settled like dust after a storm, he knew, just knew, that there was no way in heaven or hell that he was going to live his life without that girl.
 

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

There was no more faking happy for Addy. She wore her yellow sundress to school the next day and left her hair down. Those stupid ponytails always gave her a headache anyway. Besides, who was she trying to impress? She was sick of dressing demure and professional. She just wanted to be relaxed for a while.

Grey was polite. He smiled when he saw her. Once he said, "You look very pretty today, Addy." And she said, "Thank you, Grey." There was no pretending, there, either. First names, soft voices, knowing looks.
 

As soon as her last class was over, Addy got on the road and drove to St. Claire. She called Zoey on her cell phone.
 

"Girl night," she said. "Whose house can we use?"

"Let me get back to you," Zoey said. "Is this a crisis management situation, or are we just hanging out?"

"I broke up with Grey."

"Got it. I'll call you back in a minute."

Addy smiled. Zoey knew her so well. If Maya had said she'd broken up with Jayce, Zoey would have offered all kinds of commiseration and kind words, knowing that Maya required emotional support. Addy was grateful for the short, down-to-business style Zoey adopted with her.
 

A moment later, Zoey called her back and informed her that they would be partying at Maya's house. The kids would stay with Uncle Kellen. Perfect.

Addy pulled into Maya's driveway a little before three o'clock. Maya greeted her at the door with a hug. "I'm so glad you came," Maya said. "Everyone should be with friends after a bad breakup."

"It wasn't bad, it was just—"

"All breakups are bad. Come on in. Jayce is at work, and I have to go in as soon as Kellen gets here to pick up the kids. Come sit down. Do you want coffee?"

Addy had to give her head a shake. Maya's energy was overwhelming at the moment. "Coffee…yes, please." She sat at the kitchen table. The house was a lot different from when Zoey had lived there. Zoey was an obsessively tidy individual, whereas Maya, even if she had been the same way, couldn't have achieved that level of neatness with two small children running around. For the most part, everything was picked up and put away. But Addy still spotted the occasional LEGO or Barbie Doll sticking out from under a couch or wedged into a corner.

Maya sat across from Addy, sliding a cup of coffee across the table. "So should I bring home the hard liquor tonight?"

Addy smiled. She felt her heart finish breaking as she lowered her head and nodded. "Yes, please," she squeaked.

"Oh, honey." Maya was at her side, holding her and rocking back and forth. "I know it's hard. I'm so sorry."

Addy sobbed into Maya's shirt. She wasn't confused about her situation. She didn't have doubts. In her mind, she'd taken the only route she could. Grey was a risk, and Addy wasn't a risk-taker. She didn't want to follow him around hoping he would change.
 

So now, she had only to survive the feelings. Crying was a part of that. A purge, a release, the flood that God sent to cleanse all sin from the earth.
 

Once she calmed, she dried her eyes and nose with the tissue Maya handed her. Then she sat back and sipped her coffee, which had cooled, some. "I just wanna die," Addy said. "I assume that's normal."

Maya gave her a sympathetic smile. There was the sound of a loud engine outside, and a moment later Sophie and Mattie came running in. They dropped their backpacks by the front door and ran straight for the kitchen table. Maya went into the kitchen returning with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.