Afraid to Fly (Fearless #2) (37 page)

I stepped in so close to her that I could feel those disgusting ass salt-filled sacks against my chest. “I may be a gutter rat, but at least I wouldn’t open my mouth and my legs for any guy with a few singles. Is that all it takes, Cherri? Does George Washington get you hot?” I fished out a couple of ones from the tips I had stuffed in my back pocket and threw them at her. Dammit, I needed that cash, but I wasn’t about to back down now. “Here you go, sweetie. Now drop to your knees like a good pussycat and pick them up with your teeth. I know the floor’s dirty but you’re used to putting filthy things in your mouth.”

“You jealous little cunt,” she retorted. “You wish you could be me. Now go get me a drink. My throat is parched, and I need to get back to blowing your
boyfriend.”

I don’t even know what set me off—her calling me a cunt or her talking about blowing Dom. But the minute I felt my palm connect with her jaw, it felt like my arm had been yanked from my body and was being wielded by someone else. And dammit, it felt
good.

“You stupid bitch! How dare you!” Cherri screamed, holding her cheek. There was a tiny droplet of blood in the corner of her mouth but other than that, nothing but her pride was hurt.

“I told you to get out once,” I said, my voice dead calm and my glare just as eerie. “Don’t make me say it again.”

Cherri scrambled to collect the rest of her clothes, taking what was left of her dignity, and damn near ran to the door. “You are so fired! Hope you like Ramen noodles, slut!”

“I happen to love Ramen noodles. Probably as much as you like baby gravy with every meal.”

Flustered and bleeding, she slammed the door so hard that the entire room vibrated. I didn’t feel it though. My whole body was already trembling with rage and adrenaline. My jaw clenched, and my hands balled into fists, I turned to the real cause of my fury.

“Boyfriend?” he grinned smugly as if his life weren’t in danger. “Since when did I become your boyfriend?”

“Since when did you become a dick?” I shot right back at him.

He finished zipping himself up before running a hand through his mussed hair. “Raven . . . you knew what I was about. You knew how I was before we hooked up.”

“I knew you were a manwhore, yeah, but you were never an asshole. Must be a newly acquired trait.”

He shrugged. “Things change. People change.”

“Bullshit. You’re good—I’ll give you that. You almost had me fooled for a minute.”

He huffed out an annoyed breath. “Fooled about what?”

“About you not caring. About you just slipping into your old ways. Dom, we’re both flawed, okay? We’ve both been hurt and abused. But you don’t see me trying to bury my pain in some cheap skank, now do you? Get over yourself. You’ve had it rough—I get that. And I am truly sorry for everything you have been through. But that doesn’t give you the right to mistreat the people that care for you—that love you. You’re so afraid of becoming a monster . . . so scared of hurting people. Well, what the fuck do you think you’re doing to me—to Toby—right now?”

He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and began to pace the floor, his hand tangled in his hair as he tugged violently.

“You don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

He didn’t answer. He just kept stalking in a circle, his jaw so tight, I thought his teeth would break.

“Answer me, Dom! What is it that I don’t get? That you’re a liar? A cheater? A user? Please enlighten me. Tell me all about your deep, complex feelings that require you to fuck strippers. Come on. You were so bold back in that hallway. Tell me what I—”

“You don’t get that I fucking love you!”
he shouted angrily, fists clenched at his sides. Then he was moving toward me so quickly, I only had time to move back into the crushed velvet padded wall. He pinned me between his arms and pressed his body into mine. The weight of him was so scary yet exhilarating, I couldn’t bear to breathe. I was too possessed by the intensity that swirled inside those hazel-green eyes.

“I’m in love with you,” he whispered. Dom was panting . . . shivering. I wasn’t sure if it was from restraint or rage. “And that’s why I can’t do this. I’m weak, Raven. I’m tired, and I’m scared, and I’m weak. You deserve better. I’m not a good influence for Toby, and I could never be a good man for you.”

“Why not?” The words broke on my tongue.

“Because I’m not a good man. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I’m not even a man at all.”

The despair in his voice was so real that it brought tears to my eyes. “Don’t say that . . .”

“It’s true!” he shouted, barely two inches from my face.

I gasped in fear. He was losing it, and I didn’t know what he would do. I never thought he would physically hurt me before, but now, with him so desperate to be heard, I didn’t know what to expect.

“Don’t you see what I am? Can’t you see what I’ll become? I’m already half-way there.” He laughed sardonically, tipping his head back. “You are so blind. I can’t tell which one of us is more pathetic. I’ve ruined your life once. Why the hell would you let me do it again?”

I hated to admit it, but he was absolutely right. Why was I holding out hope for someone that deemed himself hopeless? He had told me time and time again that this wasn’t what he wanted. That
I
wasn’t what he wanted. And even if he did love me like he said he did, how was he proving that by hooking up with Cherri, and God only knew who else?

I met his eyes, mustering all the courage I had left in me. I was exhausted, and while the feel of him against me set my soul on fire, his actions had turned me cold.

“I don’t know. I must be crazy.” I dipped under his arm, freeing myself from the cocoon of his body. “But not anymore.”

Just before I hit the door, I turned back to find him still leaning against the wall, his head down. Now . . . this was it. Now it was over.

“Was it ever real?”

He was quiet for so long that I wasn’t sure that he had heard me until he answered, the sound of his voice provoking the first tears to fall from my eyes. “No. Because I’m not.”

“Goodbye, Dom.”

“Goodbye, Raven.”

I had once stood at the very edge, face to the sky, longing to feel the wind in my hair.

I wasn’t afraid of flying; I feared the fall. But, pain had made me strong, and life had made me brave, yet love had made me weak.

So I stretched my wings and flew.
I soared.
Only to come tumbling back down to earth. And I vowed that I would never fly again.

T
HE FUNNY THING ABOUT
being at rock bottom was that you had nowhere else to go but up. I didn’t think I had hit it yet, but I had been pretty damn close. However, there was one girl who had ensured that I didn’t completely spiral down into the abyss of regret. And while she was barely six pounds, and her fist was the size of an acorn, she commanded my best. And dammit, that was all I would give her. Even if it hurt.

I spent every day trying to reclaim my life. I smoothed things over with Amber, who refused to let me quit. She told me to take a leave of absence to get my head straight. And when I was ready to come back to Helping Hands, my job would be waiting for me.

I surrounded myself with the people I loved, which meant I spent most of my time at the hospital with Amelia or at home with Angel and Kami, who had been released already. Being separated from her baby was hell, so at least I was distracted by the task of entertaining her.

I still hadn’t found the balls to go back to Dive though. The wound was just still too fresh. And Dive meant that I could run into Raven.

“You’re sortof a dumbass, you know that?” Angel remarked to me as we sat in the waiting room. Baby Amelia was being released today, and we had showed up for the occasion.

“Why, thank you. I love you too, pumpkin.”

“I’m serious. You’re a dumbass. You have a shot at something real . . . something whole. Yet, you’re letting it slip away. For what? Slumming it with me every night? Trolling for chicks that we’ll never see again? Bitch, please.”

I took an exasperated breath before diving into all the reasons why I had chosen to walk away from Raven. “Look, you know I can’t be with her. You know why I can’t allow her to stay with someone like me.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because. I’m not . . . right. I’m not . . .”

“Oh bullshit. Sounds like a cop out to me. A whiny ass, baby cop out.” Then her voice spiked into a shrill, mocking tone, the emphasis on
whiny ass baby.
“Oh boo hoo. I have a beautiful woman who knows all my darkest secrets, but loves me anyway. But I’m too emo and broody to see it through my dark cloud of pity.
Wah wah wah.
Oh God. Cue the Britney look-alike and cry me a fucking river.”

I rolled my eyes. “You know it’s not that simple.”

“Oh, really? Explain the part that’s difficult. Explain what’s so hard about understanding that we’re all flawed, and we all come bearing our own bags of bullshit, yet we deserve a chance at happiness. What’s so hard about letting someone love you instead of punishing them—punishing yourself—just because they can see the beauty in all the wreckage? The exact same thing you’ve been trying to project your entire life?”

Oh shit.

She was right.

Ever since I was a child, I’d always strived to please people, hoping to gain their love and affection. And I had done that, minus the façade and fauxness. I had made Raven love me just by being me. Granted, I was my best self when I was with her, but not because I felt I needed to be to gain her heart. I wanted to be. She demanded it with her no-nonsense attitude and aversion to my bullshit. She made me laugh over the silliest things. She made me dig deeper and really think about what I was putting out in the world. She was artistic, soulful, sarcastic and free-spirited, and I loved everything about her. Yet, I had let her go. No. I pushed her away, ensuring that she would abandon my realm of regret for good. My misery didn’t love company. It required my full, undivided devotion, guaranteeing that I would never desert it for anyone and anything else. It had been all I’d known, and that was the way I liked it.

But now there was Raven. And Toby. And I had seen that there was so much more to the endless emptiness. I could
feel
again.

I turned to peer at Angel, whose mouth was turned up into a knowing smile, her eyes fixed on the hospital linoleum. “Make your move, loverboy,” she said, as if reading my mind.

I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. Your little stunt at the club got her fired. So you’ve got a lot of ass kissing to do. Pack your Chapstick.”

Raven was fired? Shit. I wasn’t surprised. Everyone knew Cherri was Sal’s pet. Unless Raven was putting out, he’d have no qualms about giving her the boot.

Angel and I waited in amicable silence, until Blaine and Kami finally emerged with baby Amelia in tow. She was a strong little thing, and had hit all her milestones within a few weeks, resulting in her early release from the NICU. Since Kami’s baby shower never happened, the girls were planning a baby viewing instead, and only inviting close friends and family. No way were we going to allow complete strangers to breathe on her. Hell no.

“Please tell me you don’t have one of those Baby On Board signs,” Angel huffed, as Blaine and I fumbled with the car seat cradle. Holy shit. When did babies get so damn complicated?

“What’s wrong with those?” Kami asked, frowning. She totally had one. I had seen it poking out from the diaper bag, and she was just itching to slap it on the window.

“What’s wrong with it?” Angel derided. “So just because a person has a baby, they’re allowed to drive like an effing 90-year-old grandma?
Oh, go ahead and cut me off. You have a baby. Yes, you can go 30 in a 55. I understand. You’re a breeder. You pushed a pot roast out of your cooch. I get it.
Eff that.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. At least someone was making an effort to not curse around the baby, as if she could even understand.

“I’m just saying, Baby On Board signs are just another way of saying
look at me, look at me, I had unprotected sex!
And frankly they’re tacky. Yellow? Ew.”