After Tuesday (20 page)

I guess I don’t really know what love is or what it feels like. I thought love meant fighting for someone, no matter what.

When will someone fight for me?

Chapter Eighteen

After bawling for a good hour, the sun is now setting. It’s beginning to get cold at the lake, and I need to figure out what to do next. I’d prefer to stay here all night long, feeling sorry for myself, but the weather is not cooperating. A slight rain has started to come down, causing the temperature to drop dramatically. I’m spent, and I’m not in the mood to deal with anything having to do with my dad. I need a break because…well, because I’m breaking.

I don’t know why, but I decide to call Cody. Well, that’s a lie. I do know why. Cody might be a shit, but he understands my house and has seen it all firsthand. He can be a little hard to handle sometimes, but I know that’s how he shows he cares. Cody may not be the most tactful person, but he would never kick me while I’m down. So, I call him, and when I tell him I need a little time away, he jumps in the car.

About twenty minutes later, I see Cody’s red Mustang. After he pulls up near me, I walk around to the passenger side and slide into the dark leather interior.

“Thanks for picking me up,” I mumble. “There’s no way I could go home right now.”

“Oh, I know what you mean.” He laughs a little, trying to play off the situation, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. 

We drive in silence for about two minutes before he speaks again. “So, I picked up your jacket. I figured you might need it.”

I push my arms into the sleeves, grateful for an extra layer of warmth. “Thanks. How’d you manage that?”

“I just told your old man that you needed it, and he gave it to me,” he says, sparing me a glance.

“Oh. Did he ask about me?” I ask through the hoarseness in my throat.

“Yeah.” He assesses me from the corner of his eye. “I told him I was picking you up.”

Leaning my head against the cool window, I take deep shuddering breaths. “Where are we going?” I close my eyes and try to meditate through the pain in my heart.

“Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere but home…and not a party. I can’t stand to be around too many people right now.”

“Well, how about Russ’s? I was planning on heading over there later anyhow. He’s just having some guys over to play poker. It could be fun. You know all of them. They won’t bother you.”

“Sure. That’s perfect, but don’t expect me to play.”

“Never.” He chuckles. “You know, Ruby, you’ll be out of there soon.”

“I know.” I breathe deeply. “I hope I didn’t ruin your night.”

“Nah, no worries. You just need some fun. Your dad’s an idiot. Don’t worry about him.”

That’s nice, Cody. My dad is the idiot? You don’t seem to care about doing pretty much the same thing.

Who am I kidding?
My dad has a problem, and Cody isn’t his sponsor. Their problems are different. I know that. My dad’s an addict. Cody just has a case of assholitis. Plus, I know he doesn’t mean it. He’s just trying to make me feel better.

“Yeah, I know. I’ve just got other shit going on. Maybe you’re right. Fuck it!” I say, the volume in my voice increasing.

Opening my eyes, I see we’re almost across town, nearing Russ’s place.

“All right then,” Cody says, lifting his hand for a high five. “Fuck it!”

I slap his hand, and then, I immediately realize that this is exactly why I called Cody. His forget-all-your-problems attitude is just what I need. I don’t want to deal with all the crap that’s happened since last night. It’s not fair. I know it, and Cody seems to know it, too.

Russ’s place is an old house just outside of town. Since they were in high school, he’s been one of Cody’s closest friends. I assume they got into all kinds of trouble while not learning about Shakespeare or much of anything else for that matter. Russ is all right though. He’s never hit on me. I can’t say that for the other douche bags Cody has in his circle. Usually, going to Russ’s would be a total turn off, but I have no fight left in me. I just want…scratch that…I need a distraction, and I’m sure Russ has a few. It might be the wrong kind of distractions, but I really don’t care. I’m not picky right now.

Cody doesn’t even bother to knock on the door. As soon as we enter the house, I notice the
floral
aroma, and I’m not talking flowers.
Home sweet home.
We walk through the living room and head into the kitchen to find Russ sitting alone at the table.

“Hey, Code,” Russ says, looking up from the book he’s reading.

Coming in behind Cody, I step into his view.

“Well, Ruby, long time no see. Where have you been all summer?” Russ asks.

“Hey, Russ. Working,” I say with little ceremony.

“Well, sit down. Help yourself to a beer,” he says, motioning to the fridge.

I take a seat as Cody turns to get a beer. Russ stares at me for a long moment before I turn my eyes to the table. I peek at him from under my eyelashes for a moment to see he’s reading his book again.

I haven’t seen Russ in months, but he still looks the same. In high school, I bet he cornered the hot bad–boy market. He’s still very good-looking, but I’ve known him too long to be attracted to him like that. Plus, he’s a friend of Cody’s, which means he isn’t someone I want to even think about dating. He’s definitely not the best boyfriend material. He’s too much trouble for me, but he’s certainly nice to look at with his muscled arms showcased in his tight shirt, blond shaggy hair, defined mouth and chin, and those blue eyes.
Oh, yes
. When I take a better look at those deep blue eyes, I notice they’re surrounded by a strong shade of stoner red, and…there it goes. It’s no longer sexy, but it’s very patriotic.

“Here,” Cody says, setting a beer in front of me. He turns around to open the freezer, and then he pulls out a bottle of Jägermeister. Bottle in hand, he rummages through the cupboards, pulling out some shot glasses and a can of pineapples.

I glance at the beer in front of me. For a moment, I contemplate whether this is smart. Of course, I know it isn’t. I’ve seen what it does to my dad. I’ve seen what it does to others as well, but right now, I kind of don’t care. It seems like so much of my life is based on what my dad does. I decide I’m going to give myself a pass for the night. I need to forget.

Taking a long hard drink, I squint my eyes through the taste.
Ugh, I hate beer.
It tastes terrible, but I know it’ll help. Pushing through, I know that if I finish this one, the rest won’t taste so bad.

Returning to the table, Cody sets down the shot glasses, the bottle of Jäger, and a bowl of pineapple.

Russ looks up from his book. “What’s this all about?”

“Thought we could start off the night with a toast,” Cody responds.

“What are we toasting?” Russ asks, grabbing a shot glass.

“Assholes and dickheads,” Cody says like he’s ordering breakfast from a menu.

Silently nodding in agreement, I also reach for a shot glass and place it in front of me. Cody’s eyes dart to me, flashing an approving look, as he fills our glasses.

“And stupid, cheating, ho-bitch-skank girls,” Russ chimes in. Looking at me, he adds, “Sorry, Ruby, that wasn’t nice.”

“Hey, I’m no cheating ho-skank, so no offense taken.” I take another drink of my beer.

Cody lifts his glass, focusing his blue eyes on my brown ones. “Well, Ruby, what are you toasting?”

Glancing at my glass, I see it full of the deep brown-purple drink, knowing it’s liquid Novocain for the brain. It might not take away my sorrows, but it will help me get through the night. I know this isn’t the most responsible thing I could do, but…
fuck it.
I’ve been strong and responsible for too many people for too long. This girl needs a vacation, so I’m taking one right now. I’m packing my bags and leaving on a motherf’ing Jäger plane. My dad and Brent will be here when I get back. Until then, it’s time to pick up my passport—aka a mind-numbing shot of Jägermeister—and head to another realm of reality.

“And here’s too all the motherf’ing disappointments everywhere,” I say, raising my glass in salute.

They both nod their heads in approval, and we tip our glasses back, allowing the cool liquid to slide down our throats. I feel the alcohol burn as it makes its way through my chest into my stomach. Breathing deeply, I put the glass down and lick my lips, trying to tame the tingles I feel dancing on my sensitive nerves.

“Here, eat this,” Cody says, holding the bowl of pineapples in front of me.

He’s the expert, so I take one out and pop it in my mouth.
Oh, it tastes so good.
I can’t contain the contented sound that hums from my mouth.

“Looks like someone needed that,” Russ jokes, refilling our glasses. “I think another one is in order.”

We grab our filled glasses, down another shot, and eat pineapples for a chaser.

“So, are we playing tonight, man?” Cody asks Russ.

“Yeah, Tom and Juice are coming over soon. Hey, you got any? I just ran out and would like some for tonight.” Russ says, rubbing the stubble across his chin before allowing his hand to slide down his neck.

Cody looks at me wide-eyed, raising a brow while pursing his lips. I think he’s silently asking me if I’m cool with what Russ is talking about, but to tell the truth, I couldn’t give a shit about anyone or anything right now. I’m no one’s parent, and really, nothing, nothing at all, matters in this moment. Raising my brow in response, I hope he knows I couldn’t care less.

Looking back at Russ, he reaches into his pocket, pulling out a baggie with two joints. “Yeah, man, but you owe me,” Cody says, “and I mean it this time.”

Usually, when Cody does stuff like this in front of me, which isn’t often, I turn the other way. Tonight though, I can’t keep my eyes off the bag as it drifts across the table into Russ’s waiting hands. I grab my beer, close my eyes, and wash away more of my angst as I empty the bottle.

***

An hour later, I get up to walk to the bathroom, and the floor tilts. Maybe it’s me. I grab the frame of the door to stop the floor from moving. After the floor steadies itself, I maneuver myself on heavy feet to the toilet.
Gross. Why are men’s bathrooms so disgusting?
Based on the sway of the room, I realize that I’m pretty buzzed right now, but there’s no way I can bring myself to sit on that toilet seat. My attempts at hovering are complete failures until I clutch the sink in front of me for balance.

When I’m through, I check my appearance in the mirror.
Oh, wow, not so hot.
From my blurry reflection, I can make out my bloodshot eyes—obviously, from hours of crying—disheveled hair from running, and rosy cheeks from the alcohol. I splash cool water on my face to awaken my senses and calm some of my nerve endings. Then, I take out my ponytail, so I can hide behind my hair if need be. When I’m no longer able to look at my face for fear of crying, I head back to the kitchen where I find we have been joined by Tom and Juice.

For the most part, Tom and Juice aren’t too bad. Juice is a little too flirty for my comfort level, but Tom usually remains pretty quiet. I haven’t seen them since the beginning of the summer. Unless the lack of a haircut counts, they haven’t really changed at all.

Walking up behind Cody, I wave to them. “Hey, guys.”

“Ruby!” Juice shouts. “Damn, girl. Someone had a good summer!” He smiles mischievously at me and then whistles.

Yuck.

“Hey, Ruby.” Tom starts pouring shots. “Are you having one?” he asks, pointing to the glasses in front of him.

“Yeah,” I say without a second thought.

“Thatta girl,” Juice says. He scoots over a little, clearing part of his seat. “Here, you can sit with me.”

“Ruby, you can sit here,” Cody says, rising from his chair.

I sit down, smiling politely at Juice, as Cody returns with another chair, sitting between Juice and me. As we all grab our glasses, Juice lets out some sort of manly catcall, and then we drink them down. I blink quickly a few times before I focus on Russ.
Looking good, Russ. He’s cute. Definite eye candy. He’s no Brent though.
I sigh loudly.

“Are you guys ready to play?” Cody asks, reaching behind to the fridge. He gives me a beer, pops one open for himself, and then hands me the bottle opener.

“I don’t wanna,” Juice says.

“That’s because you don’t have any money, Juice,” Tom chimes in.

“Well, that bitch, Rozzy, hasn’t paid me yet. I need to quit that job. Does your dad have an opening, Code?” Juice asks.

Cody takes a swig of his beer. “I’ll ask,” he says. “If we aren’t gonna play, what the hell are we gonna do? I don’t want to sit around and girl talk all night. Sorry, Ruby.”

I smile at him and then take a drink of my beer.
Yep, it definitely tastes better than the first.
Each one tastes better and better. It’s so much better that another swig seems in order.

“Ah, let’s just watch a movie,” Russ says, pulling out a joint. He puts it in his mouth and lights it.

My vision is a little fuzzy, but I’m mesmerized. When he squints to inhale the smoke, I watch as the red light glows at the end of the joint. Russ then passes it to Tom, who takes a hit before passing it to me.

In a situation like this, I usually sit back and shake my head, but tonight, I’m feeling a little more, uh…social. I have an amazing feel-good buzz going on. It’s so good that I think my nose is numb, but I still can’t get Brent out of my mind. He’s there, dancing through my thoughts. He’s not in all of them, but he’s in way too many. I can still feel his phantom touch on my legs, along my arms, and down my back. My neck tingles with the thought of his lips delicately stroking its length.

I shudder slightly.
Yes, a hit might just do the trick.
I’ve already lost so much tonight that I might as well let it all go. I need to release every bit of myself because nothing else is easing the pain. I know it’s a gutless and spineless move, but I have no fight left, even for myself. Instead of leaning back so the joint can be passed to Cody, I gently take it from Tom’s offering hand.