All for This (11 page)

Four Days Before Hanna’s Accident

W
HEN
I knock on Max’s door, it occurs to me that this is probably a terrible place to do this. I could have waited until tomorrow morning and caught him at the club. I could have called and asked him to meet me at the bakery. Instead, I came to his apartment.

The last time I was here, I took off my clothes and begged him to have sex with me. The last time I was here, he turned me down.

“Try me. Come back here sober and test me, Hanna.”

Ever since I got back from LA, I’ve been thinking about that night at Max’s house. Did I really want him to make love to me, or did I only say that because I knew he wouldn’t do it when I’d been drinking? I think part of me meant it at the time. I love Max, and if Meredith hadn’t screwed everything up, we’d be on our way to a wedding by now.

And now I’m here to give him back his ring.

When Max pulls the door open, he looks exhausted, but he grins as soon as he sees me. “Hey,” he says softly.

“Hey.”

He pulls the door wider, his gaze skimming over me. I’m in a jean skirt and red wrap shirt, nothing special, but his eyes on me make me feel beautiful. Sexy. Wanted.

“I don’t suppose you’re here for the same reason you were last time?”

My heart thuds, stumbles, and trips in my chest, and I can feel my cheeks burn. “I’m afraid not.”

He makes some sort of unintelligible sound at the back of his throat then says, “You want to come in?”

“Yeah. I mean, assuming Meredith’s not hiding in there somewhere.” I regret my joke when his face falls.

“There’s nothing between us but Claire.”

I follow him into the apartment and notice he has a Pack ’N Play set up in the corner and a diaper bag on the counter. Was all of that there when I was here last week and I was just too drunk to notice?

“I’m pretty sure Meredith wants me to think there’s more,” I say.

“What did she say to you?”

“She likes to send me texts when she’s over here. Implying…things.”

Max’s fingers are on my chin, tilting my face up until my eyes meet his. “I haven’t touched her since before I kissed you for the first time in November.”

My gut twists with guilt. Because maybe he hasn’t touched anyone else, but I can’t say the same. How would he feel if he knew I gave my virginity to another man? That I’ve been dating someone else all summer?

I shrug and drop my eyes to the ground. It’s not that I can’t face him. But there’s such a fierce intensity in his blue eyes I’m afraid I’ll kiss him if I don’t look away. I want to remember what his lips feel like on mine before I say goodbye. I want to have his arms curl around me and hold me tight so I can remember all the good days and stamp them into a safe place in my memory.

“I haven’t touched any woman but you, and that will remain true as long as my ring waits in your jewelry box.”

I press my palm against my thigh and finger the ring in the pocket of my jeans. I’m not here because I’m choosing Nate. After yesterday, I know Nate and I can’t be together. He says he loves me, but he’s not willing to sacrifice anything to be with me.

I’m here because I can’t choose either one of them, and I need to break it off with both.

Max’s gaze drops to my mouth and his eyes turn from warm and tender to hot and hungry. “I miss you, Hanna.”

“I miss you too.”

He traces my bottom lip with his thumb. My eyes float closed and my muscles soften even as my conscience bristles. I can’t keep this up much longer.

“I wanted to talk to you about Abby,” I say, and my conscience sings,
Coward!

“Is she okay?”

“Yeah, but she’s taken some pretty radical measures trying to stay thin, and I’m worried about her.”

He raises a brow. “I know how you feel.”

I frown. “You knew about Abby?”

“I’m talking about being worried about you.”

“Oh. No, don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” Or I will be. Catching Abby with those diet pills was a wakeup call for me, and I made an appointment with a psychiatrist in Indianapolis. “I was hoping you’d talk to her. Maybe go through a healthy, balanced diet and exercise plan. That kind of thing?”

“And would you be there to hear my lecture?”

I draw in a shaky breath. “Sure.” Our eyes lock for a minute before I say, “I am working on it. I know I haven’t been the healthiest role model for her.”

A phone starts ringing in the bedroom and Max sighs. “I need to grab that. Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

I nod, and he heads to the bedroom to take the call.

His shoulders are so broad, so strong. I know Max would give me everything Nate wouldn’t, and it’s so tempting to take what he’s offering me.

I wander over to his kitchen table and my gaze catches on a piece of mail at the top of the stack.
Smith, Peterson, and Frank Law Offices of Indianapolis.

I know that law firm. That’s the place that’s managing the arrangement with my anonymous investor for the bakery.

What business could Max have with them?

I can hear Max’s low murmurs coming from the bedroom. When I slip the papers from the envelope, I don’t even feel guilty for snooping—not much, at least—because I already know what I’m going to see. Max’s name and the name of my bakery all on the same letter with the lawyer’s letterhead.

I don’t get to do more than skim the letter before I hear him end the call. I have to shove the papers back into the envelope and drop them to the table.

“Sorry,” he says as he emerges from the bedroom. “That was my mom. Her air conditioner is on the fritz again, and I was troubleshooting with her.”

“No, not at all. It’s fine. No problem. I hope you can fix it.” I’m rambling.

He cocks his head to the side. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I’m fine.” I nod once, twice…six times like I’m a freaking bobblehead. I was so wrong about Max, and everywhere this summer took me, every decision I made, branched from my disbelief that he ever wanted me for anything more than my money.

But there it is, right on his kitchen table: evidence that he wasn’t ever after my money. He was sacrificing his own to make my dreams come true. Evidence that I let my insecurities ruin my future with an amazing man.

“Hanna?”

My eyes fill, and I step forward, wrap my arms around his neck, and hug him as I’d hug any friend who I learned had given me such an amazing gift.

Max wraps his arms around me and presses a kiss to my hair. “What’s this for?”

“I’m sorry I took you for granted.”

He slides his hand along my jaw and tilts my face up to his. “Ditto,” he whispers.

Then he skims his lips over mine in a movement that’s so gentle and so tender I nearly disintegrate under it. I kiss him back, unsure whether I’m saying goodbye or welcoming something new into my life.

When he pulls back, his eyes are full of questions, but he only asks one. “Stay with me tonight? We don’t have to do anything. I just need you in my arms again.”

I don’t know what I want, but he takes my silence as my answer and his expression changes and becomes guarded. “I’m sorry,” I say, and turn to leave.

“I love you,” he calls to my back, and I can only nod. I walk out the door, his grandmother’s ring still in my pocket.

Present Day

“S
O FREAKING
good
,” I moan. I let the pure, unadulterated pleasure of fine chocolate ripple through my body.

After I left Max’s house, I called Liz, who promised she was on her way, but she brought the whole crew, and now Liz, Maggie, Cally, and Nix are all gathered around my kitchen island with drinks—martinis for the three who aren’t knocked up and herbal tea for the rest of us—and pounds of those gourmet chocolates Asher buys Maggie when he’s in New York.

Liz raided the bakery and brought up an assortment of cookies and pastries, and Nix brought a silly card game that we haven’t bothered playing.

Without my having to explain, they all understand how hard it was for me to give Max his ring back.

“So what happens between you and Nate now?” Nix asks.

Liz is shaking up a new batch of chocolate martinis, and Nix raises her glass to signal she wants another.

“Nothing,” I say. I cut a piece of the cheese Danish and hand it to Nix. “This is my new recipe. Tell me if it’s too sweet.”

“What do you mean,
nothing
?” Nix asks before taking a bite. Then, with her mouth half full, she says, “Oh my God. This isn’t food. It’s an orgasm in your mouth.”

When Liz reaches for the rest of the Danish, Cally smacks her hand away and takes it from the plate. “Pregnant ladies get first dibs.”

“Nothing?” Maggie asks. “Are you sure?”

“I didn’t break it off with Max so I could be with Nate.” Though I’m sure Max believes I did. I’m sure everyone in town will think I did, once word gets out.

“What did he say when you told him you were pregnant?” Nix asks.

“He wants me to move to LA.”

“What?” Liz squeaks. “Like you’re going to totally throw away your business—your
life
—for him?”

“You can’t blame him for trying,” Maggie says.

“He’s only interested because of the babies. When I went to LA and told him I wasn’t going to marry Max, Nate still said goodbye. He doesn’t want to be with me—not enough to fight for me when it counts.” And not enough to figure out a way to make it work that doesn’t involve my moving across the country.

“I’m not sure you’re being fair, Hanna,” Nix says. “When you went to LA, he thought you’d chosen Max before the accident.”

Maggie nods. “I think he was trying to let you go since you wanted to be with Max.”

“I didn’t walk away. I let you go.”

Is that what Nate meant? He let me go so I could be with Max?

“I still don’t understand why I chose Max,” I say quietly, and the admission fills me with guilt. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t know how I could have chosen Nate either. It’s an impossible choice. My missing memories are leaving me with a lot of unanswered questions. I still have four days of my life that are missing. I wish I knew what happened in those days.”