All In: Playing the Fool (Gambling With Love) (25 page)

Lacy

I'd gone to my mom's first when I arrived in Charlotte, but after an hour I had to get out of that apartment. It was obvious she hadn't showered or cleaned the place in days. Her small frame was thinner than ever before, which wasn't that surprising when I noticed there wasn't any food in the refrigerator. There were plenty of empty pill containers and liquor bottles scattered around though.

I cleaned most of the trash up and then went grocery shopping to fill up her refrigerator and pantry. I even cooked her favorite, fettuccini alfredo, but she stayed in bed and didn't touch a bite on the plate I carried to her room.

Leaving her apartment, and not sure where else to go, I came to Zack's. I just wanted someone to comfort me and let me vent. Instead, Zack quickly discarded my clothes and offered the only thing he knew. So I'd let him fuck me any way he wanted, trying to forget how Joe and Will had hurt me. It hadn't worked. 

When Zack got a call about a visitor at the gate, and then his doorbell rang, the idea that it could be Will didn't even cross my mind. Hearing his voice sent a fresh batch of tears down my face.

"Ah, so I guess you heard?" Zack asked when he came back to bed.

I nodded and swiped my hands under my eyes.

"Is what he said true? You've been having threesomes and … foursomes?" he asked with a wide grin when he climbed on top of me, jerking his boxers down and off.

"Yeah, I'm a big slut now."

"Well, it's a good thing I like sluts," he said, and then his mouth latched onto one of my breasts. A little while later he asked, "Do you want me to call and ask Jake to come play with us?"

"Not tonight. Maybe some other time," I responded, then I spaced out and let him have his way with me a few more times.

…

Two weeks later I was making progress with the new and improved Lacy. This Lacy didn't date any guys or screw them. This Lacy had a job, making decent money as a legal assistant at a corporate law office. Yeah, my dad had helped me get the job, but I was putting in the hard work. I'd also found my own townhouse with a month to month lease in case I got a callback about a job out of town. And yes, my dad had paid the deposit and first month's rent, but I was determined to make it on my own from here on out.

I'd had a couple of interviews with several television networks. My article about Dylan and Jules had been picked up by a national magazine,
The Business Journal,
and was scheduled to be released in next month's issue. They'd even paid me a decent price for it, and I was hoping its debut would bring in some job offers.

Things were going great…except for the ache in my chest whenever I thought about Will and Joe, or saw something that reminded me of either of them. Which was basically everything.

They both continued to call and send apologetic text messages that I ignored. A bouquet of yellow roses tipped with white sat in a vase on my desk, too beautiful to throw away. The card that came with them said, "
Missing you, needing you, and loving you until the last petal falls
." Of course there was one rose out of the dozen that would never wilt.      

Regardless of the pain thinking about the two of them still caused me, things were looking up. Or they had been until the Tuesday I got an unexpected visit from my dad, turning my life upside down.

"Dad? Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked, jumping out of my computer chair when he walked into my new office. Then I noticed he was missing his usual up to no good smile, and his eyes were red like he'd been crying. But that was crazy, since I'd
never
seen my father cry.

"Lacy," he said, then his arms were around me, crushing me to him.

"Dad? What's going on? Are you okay?" I asked into his dress shirt.

"It's your mom. I'm so sorry princess, but…she's…she's gone."

"What?" I asked, jerking away from him his hold. Tears were now running quickly down both of his cheeks, making the whole conversation completely surreal.

He covered his face with his palms, wiping away the moisture. "She…God, Lacy. She overdosed."

I gasped in understanding and felt the ground beneath my feet tilt. "But I just…I just talked to her last night. She was fine. She sounded…fine. Better than she's been in a long time," I told him through the tears.

"I'm so sorry, Lacy."

"How…how'd she…"

"They don't know what all she took yet. Sarah… she still had me down as her emergency contact. The hospital called this morning. Her neighbor…the lady that cooks for her called her and she didn't answer even though her car was in the lot. She…she wouldn't come to the door."

I barely heard his words as my body shook with the sobs against him. I vaguely remember my dad walking me out of the office and then dropping me off at my apartment. He said something about having to go to the hospital and then the funeral home, and I just couldn't…I wasn't capable of thinking or dealing with any of that.

Instead I went into my lonely townhouse and climbed into bed, fully clothed. With a shaking hand I called my mom's number, unable to believe she was gone and would never answer my calls again. When she of course didn't pick up I listened to her voice on the recording before going through my old voicemails, listening to them over and over again. Her asking me how I was, and to come see her soon. Most of the messages I hadn't even responded to, caught up in my own selfish life.

At first I thought the knock on the door was just part of the pounding inside my head. Then I heard it again. It felt like my body weighed a thousand pounds as I forced myself out of bed to walk to the front of the townhouse. When I opened the door and saw Will and Joe standing on the stoop I fell apart. Seeing them with their expressions full of pity…knowing they'd come all the way here somehow made it more real.

I threw myself into Will's arms and the rest of the day and night was just a blur of tears. I vaguely remember my dad coming by the apartment. Will holding me and asking me to eat or drink something. Joe offering to give me something to help me sleep. The mention of pills sent me into another bout of hysterical crying.

Time kept right on moving forward like normal, even though it felt like I was standing still. How could everything keep going without her? 

The day of her funeral I finally hauled myself into the shower. My two best friends since high school, Kylie and Erica, helped dry my hair and find something for me to wear.

When the three of us walked out of my bedroom Will, Joe, Chad, Dylan, Jules, Jess, Tyler and Zack were sitting or standing, scattered throughout my living room. Seeing them all dressed up in dark clothes had me breaking down again. It was becoming too real, and I wasn't sure I could do this.

Someone, I think it was maybe Will, wrapped me in their arms while everyone else slipped out the door, telling me they'd see me at the funeral home. They came all the way here to go to my mom's funeral, and I wasn't sure if I could.

"You don't have to do this, you know?" Will said into my hair, and I nodded. 

"I know…but I-I need to. Otherwise it's not…really happening," I explained to his chest. "I don't believe she's really gone."

"I'm so sorry, and I can't imagine how hard this is for you. What can I do? What do you need?"

I took several deep breaths and tried to pull myself together as best I could. "I think I'm ready to go."

Pulling away, Will offered me a pack of tissues. Then he reached for my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine and giving me a supportive squeeze. He found my purse and made sure my keys were in it, then locked up once we were out the door.

Joe and Chad were sitting in his SUV waiting for us, so I climbed in the back and Will slid in beside me, never letting my hand go. I closed my eyes and laid my head on his shoulder during the ride to the funeral home, hoping that the last few days had just been a terrible nightmare I'd wake up from.

It turned out it wasn't a dream, and when Will pulled me out of the SUV I forced my feet to keep moving until we were inside the solemn building. My dad was waiting at the door. He hugged me and said a few things I don't remember. I didn't let go of Will's hand then, or during the service that I watched through blurry eyes.

My mom's preacher (from a church she rarely attended) said a few words, followed by my mom's friend and neighbor, and finally my dad. I couldn't comprehend anything that was being said. All of my attention was focused on the silver casket. My mom looked like she was sleeping peacefully, but she seemed so out of place, lying there completely still in a fucking casket.

That was the moment my grief transformed to anger. I was pissed that she was gone without me having a chance to say goodbye, or ask her why. I was mad at her because she did this, knowing how much it would hurt me. And I was really angry at my dad. I blamed him for breaking her heart and making her miserable for years until she couldn't take it anymore and ended her life.

But most of all, I was angry with myself. Why hadn't I noticed she was more depressed? What could I have done differently? I was so caught up in the drama of my own life that I didn't even see this coming and try to prevent it. I knew my mom better than anyone, so it was my responsibility to make sure she was getting the help she needed.

The sobs began again and I spent the rest of the service in Will's arms, listening to the stupid hymns and scriptures of loss, all of which were complete and utter bullshit.

I barely remember the drive to the graveside, or the words spoken there. I only noticed them lower my mom's casket down into the ground, and then everyone started leaving like it was over and done. Like seeing her in the ground was closure. It wasn't for me. I didn't know what to do from here.

The stupid, silly little girl in me wanted to sit in the cemetery and wait…for what I'm not sure. A ridiculous thought passed through my mind. One where my mom would magically appear like an apparition and talk to me one last time, explaining to me what the fuck she'd been thinking and why she did this to herself.

Throughout my internal struggle Will sat beside me in the funeral home's foldout chair, waiting patiently in the scorching summer heat for me to say I was ready. Every so often I'd register his soothing touch on my arm, or his thumb caress over my knuckles, just him reminding me he was there.

Will was here even after I hadn't spoken to him in weeks. I finally remembered why I'd been pissed at him and Joe, and avoiding their calls and texts. Will had been watching me and Joe fuck without me knowing. How dare he sit here beside me and act like everything between us was fine! I grabbed onto my anger at him and Joe and let it build. It was a nice, temporary distraction from the grief.

My fist clenched until my nails dug into my flesh at the reminder of their betrayal. It may have been slutty for me to have wanted to be with them both, but that didn't give them the right to treat me like a worthless slut. One they thought they could do whatever they wanted with, including unknowingly broadcasting me getting fucked. I wondered if Will got aroused watching me and Joe together, the two of us being intimate without me even having the slightest suspicion about his voyeurism.

"Did you get yourself off while you watched us?" I turned and asked Will, breaking the long silence.

Surprise showed on his face before the obvious embarrassment. He had. I hauled back and slapped the shit out of him, making his glasses go askew on his face. Pulling my hand away from his clasped one I walked away, shaking with fury. It was a relief to feel something other than sadness for a few minutes. For a while it had seemed like I might never know anything else again except for the grief.

I walked over to my dad's car and climbed in the backseat without another glance at the cemetery.

"You okay, princess?" my dad asked.

"I'm fine," I told him with a tone that said the subject was to be dropped. Thankfully my worthless stepmother didn't say a word from the passenger seat or I may have hauled back and slapped her bleached blonde head too.      

After the funeral everyone came over to my townhouse, some bringing food. Why, I wasn't sure. Food didn't make me less upset that I'd lost my mom, and I sure as hell wasn't hungry.

I sat on my couch staring at the television that wasn't turned on, replaying the last few conversation my mom and I had, looking for signs that she'd wanted to end her life. When the cushions shifted beside me I glanced over, then groaned.

"Get the fuck away from me, Joe," I snapped, which of course caused the whole townhouse to go silent. He got up without a word, and thankfully for a while no one else tried to sit beside me. My dad finally got the courage to join me.

"How are you doing, princess?" he asked. I cringed at the childish nickname.

"Fucking great, Dad. How are you doing knowing you're the reason Mom killed herself?"

"Lacy, God…I don't even know what to say to that. Is that what you think?" he asked, not even trying to hide the hurt in his voice.

"No," I said shaking my head. "It's my fault. I should've…I didn't know how bad she was…"

"No, Lacy. Don't say that. Blame me, not yourself. You didn't do anything," he said putting an arm around my shoulders.