All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood (39 page)

244  
mono no aware
Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby,
201.

244
“We
feed
children”
Lewis,
The Four Loves,
50.

244
“Christmas
eve,
beautiful
night”
Brené Brown, “The Price of Invulnerability,” live TEDxKC talk on August 12, 2010, posted October 10, 2012, available at: http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxKC-Bren-Brown-The-Price-of.

245
She told the audience
Ibid.

245
Brown calls this feeling
Ibid.

245
“running
around
inside
someone
else’s
body”
Christopher Hitchens,
Hitch-22: A Memoir
(New York: Twelve Books, 2011), 338.

245
“Joy
is
grief
inside
out”
Vaillant,
Spiritual Evolution,
133.

248
“Duty
is
one
of
those
words
”
John Lanchester,
Family Romance: A Love Story
(New York: Putnam, 2007), 154.

249
“One
is
freed
of
the
constant
pressure”
Csikszentmihalyi,
Flow,
179.

249
“Set
thy
heart
upon
thy
work”
Bhagavad Gita, trans. Juan Mascaro, rev. ed., (New York : Penguin Classics, 2003), 2:47.

250
“I
didn
’t
have
children
because
I
wanted”
George Vaillant, interview with the author, March 23, 2011.

250
“Here’s what’s coming to mind”
Ibid.

251
“Suppose
there
were
an
experience
machine”
Robert Nozick,
Anarchy, State, and Utopia
(New York: Basic Books, 1974), 42.

251
“of
profound
connection
with
others
”
Robert Nozick,
Examined Life: Philosophical Meditations
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990), 117.

251  
eudaimonia
See, for example, Sarah Broadie, “Aristotle and Contemporary Ethics,” in
The Blackwell Guide to Aristotle’s
Nicomachean Ethics, ed. Richard Kraut (Malden, MA: Blackwell, 2006), 342.

251
“Children
are
a
reason
to
get
up
in
the
morning”
Robin Simon, interview with the author, April 4, 2011.

251
parents
are
much
less
likely
to
commit
suicide
Émile Durkheim,
Suicide: A Study in Sociology,
ed. George Simpson, trans. John A. Spaulding and George Simpson (New York: Free Press, 1979), 197–98.

252
“anomie” and “normlessness”
Ibid., 241 et seq.

252
“In
an
anomic
society,
people
can
do
as
they
please”
Jonathan Haidt,
The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom
(New York: Basic Books, 2006), 175.

252
“The
love
we
feel
for
children”
Gopnik,
The Philosophical Baby,
241.

253
parents
who
have
custody
of
their
children
Ranae J. Evenson and Robin W. Simon, “Clarifying the Relationship Between Parenthood and Depression,”
Journal of Health and Social Behavior
46 (December 2005): 355.

253
depression
surveys
often
ask
questions
See, for example, the Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale (CES-D), a copy of which can be found in Center for Substance Abuse Treatment,
Managing Depressive Symptoms in Substance Abuse Clients During Early Recovery: Appendix B
(Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2008), available at: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64056.

253
“For
many,
the
lack
of
structure
of
those
hours”
Csikszentmihalyi,
Flow,
168.

254
“Sunday
neurosis”
Viktor Frankl,
Man’s Search for Meaning
(Boston: Beacon Press, 1992), 112.

254
“If architects want to strengthen a decrepit arch”
Ibid., 110.

254
“a
zest
for
life
in
all
its
complexity”
Bok,
Exploring Happiness,
117.

254
“best
piece
of
poetrie”
Ben Jonson, “On My First Sonne” (c. 1603).

255
the “experiencing
self” versus
the “remembering
self”
Kahneman,
Thinking, Fast and Slow,
381.

256
can be deformed by a bad ending
Ibid.

256
in
a
2010
TED
lecture
Daniel Kahneman, “The Riddle of Experience vs. Memory,” TED Talk, February 2010, posted March 2010, available at: http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_kahneman_the_riddle_of_experience_vs_memory.html.

257
85
percent
of
all
parents
Pew Research Center, “As Marriage and Parenthood Drift Apart, Public Is Concerned About Social Impact,” July 1, 2007, available at: http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/files/2007/07/Pew-Marriage-report-6-28-for-web-display.pdf.

257
“Especially
things
like
reading
books
to
them”
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, interview with the author, July 25, 2011.

258
“In
our
interviews,
there’s
a
section”
Dan P. McAdams, interview with the author, January 8, 2013.

258
Storytelling . . . is
our
natural
response
Kahneman, “The Riddle of Experience vs. Memory.”

258
remembering
selves
are
in
fact
who
we
are
Kahneman,
Thinking, Fast and Slow,
390.

258
“You
don’t
have
a
good
story”
Dan P. McAdams, interview with the author, January 8, 2013.

258
“I
think
this
boils
down
to
a
philosophical
question”
Quoted in Jennifer Senior, “All Joy and No Fun: Why Parents Hate Parenting,”
New York,
July 4, 2010.

259
“Highly
generative
adults . . . invest
considerable
time”
Dan P. McAdams, “The Redemptive Self: Generativity and the Stories Americans Live By,”
Research in Human Development
3 (2006): 93.

259
he
frequently
hears
from
fathers
Dan P. McAdams, interview with the author, January 8, 2013.

259
“the
redemptive
stories
our
mothers
tell”
Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas,
Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage
(Berkeley: University of California Press, 2005), 11.

260
“
bring different
worlds
to
your
home”
Philip Cowan, interviews with the author, February 2, 2011, and March 10, 2011.

261
“It
comes
out
as, ‘I’ve
developed
a
story’ ”
Dan P. McAdams, interview with the author, January 8, 2013.

261
“the evaluator shouldn’t be the past generation”
Ibid.

261
“Noncalorie
chocolate”
Dan Gilbert, interview with the author, March 22, 2011.

261
the
helplessness
of
modern
American
parents
See, especially, Mead,
And Keep Your Powder Dry
.

263
“Having
found
myself
faced
with
that
old
bull-session
question”
Marjorie Williams, “Hit by Lightning: A Cancer Memoir,” in
The Woman at the Washington Zoo,
ed. Timothy Noah (New York: PublicAffairs, 2005), 321.

index

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific entry, please use your e-book reader’s search tools.

Aassve, Arnstein, 82

abduction paranoia, 168–69

adolescence/adolescents

brain of, 208–12, 218

conflict and, 195–98, 207

as critical of parents, 194

culture and, 188, 212, 215–16, 238

dependency of, 212–18

“discovery” of, 187–88

“emerging adulthood” and, 214–15

excesses and, 223–26

independence and, 209, 211, 217, 218, 219

marital relations and, 48, 73, 201–8

paradox of modern, 216–17, 223

parents’ identification/experience with, 186–89, 224–33

personal preferences of, 196–98

power issues and, 193, 195, 220–23

privacy of, 189, 221–22

protection and support of, 12, 188–89, 213, 216, 217, 234–35, 238

rating of parents by, 194

regrets and, 226–33

relationships between same sex parent and, 198–99

as repeat of toddler years, 192–93, 195

risk and, 209–10, 212, 214

schools and, 214

surveillance/creeping on, 221–22

technology and, 216, 217, 218–23

transition of parents during, 185–90, 195–96

See also
specific topic

allowances, 128

Amato, Paul, 54

American Time Use Survey, 53, 122, 158

anxiety

boredom and, 32

child safety and, 168

deadlines and divided time and, 59–60

flow and, 32

and elusive goals of parenting, 138

legacies and, 262

overscheduled parents and, 123

as-if period, 213, 214–15

attachment parenting, 111, 136, 151, 242–43.
See also
bonding; connection

attention: flow and divided, 34–40

authority, parental, 129, 192

autonomy

adolescence and, 196, 209

and balancing professional and family obligations, 40–44

and definition of liberty, 43

early years of parenting and, 17–18

flow and, 28–34, 237

as freedom from obligations, 249

and professional ambitions, 40–44

sleep needs and, 20–23

women’s movement and, 42–43

baby products, 154

Baumeister, Roy F., 22–23

Bettelheim, Bruno, 216

Beyoncé, 197–98

Bianchi, Suzanne, 158–59

Blake, William, 102, 244

blogs, parenting, 189

Bok, Sissela, 241, 254

Bombeck, Erma, 9, 17

bonding, 111, 112, 243, 252, 253, 265.
See also
attachment parenting; connection

Bonnet, Michael H., 22

boredom, 32–33, 34, 166–67

Borgmann, Albert, 105

Boy Scouts, 129–30, 170–71

Bradbury, Thomas, 203–4

brain, 26–28, 106, 208–12, 218

Brazelton, T. Berry, 151, 175

Bronfenbrenner, Urie, 69

Brown, Brené, 198, 244–45

Burgard, Sarah A., 55

Cantwell, Mary, 237

Casey, B.J., 209–10, 211

cell phones, 219, 221, 223

Cherlin, Andrew, 42, 43

child care, 57, 58, 67, 81, 82, 89–90, 122, 149–50, 151, 161–62.
See also
household labor

Child Care Aware of America, 83

child labor, 9, 127–28, 214

children

in the age of globalization, 131–44

as always changing, 106–10

balancing among several, 172–73

decline in number of, 122

as “economically worthless but emotionally priceless,” 126–31

as high-cost/high-reward, 6, 12–13, 143

historical views of, 126–28, 213–14

indoor, 162–71

isolation of, 165

as living in permanent present, 27–28, 100

overscheduled, 119–26, 165–66

protection and support of, 9–10, 12, 167–68, 188–89, 213, 216, 217, 234–35, 238

school as primary job of, 128

self-esteem of, 176

sentimentalization of, 164, 167

sexual abuse of, 168

as superegos, 261

as vulnerable and innocent, 127

See also
specific topic

Christensen, Andrew, 204, 205–6

Chua, Amy, 133, 147, 176–77

Chudacoff, Howard, 164, 216

college

admissions to, 133

as preparation for motherhood, 152

college-educated women, 19, 144

community.
See
neighbors/neighborhoods

concerted cultivation

in the age of globalization, 131–44

child safety and, 122, 167–69, 238

and creating happy children, 171–77

definition of, 120

electronic media and, 122, 169–71, 238

homework and, 177–81

indoor children and, 162–71

overscheduled parents and, 119–26

overview about, 237–38

pressures on mothers and, 144–59

conflict

adolescence and, 195–98, 207

in marriage, 49–50, 54

between mothers and daughters, 198

Conley, Dalton, 37, 38

connections, 201, 242–44, 245, 251, 253, 263.
See also
attachment parenting; bonding

“consumer parenting,” 91

Coontz, Stephanie, 42, 43, 66

Correll, Shelley, 143

Cowan, Carolyn, 48–49, 54, 56, 60, 85, 92

Cowan, Philip, 48–49, 54, 56, 85, 89, 92, 259, 260

Crawford, Matthew B., 104, 105, 106

“cry-it-out” method, 86–88, 136

Csikszentmihalyi, Mihaly, 30–32, 33–34, 107, 249, 253–54, 257

Cub Scouts, 117–19, 129–30, 177, 179

Cummings, E. Mark, 49

Cunningham, Michael, 79

Czerwinski, Mary, 37

Darling, Nancy, 166–67, 196–97, 207, 210, 221, 239, 259, 260

dating, adolescent, 205

Davila, Joanne, 193

day care, 83, 168

Deaton, Angus, 6

Dederer, Claire, 155

depression, 230, 253, 254, 261

Descartes, René, 108

Dinges, David, 21

discipline issues, 10, 67–71, 207

division of labor.
See
household labor

divorce, 49, 158, 198, 205, 232

Dobbs, David, 212

Doherty, William, 6, 12, 72–73, 91, 119, 238

domestic scientists, women as, 153–54

Druckerman, Pamela, 69–70, 91

Duke University Talent Identification Program, 134

duty: parenting as, 247–54

Early Childhood Family Education (ECFE), 15–17, 19

Edin, Kathryn, 259–60

“ego depletion,” 22

electronic media.
See
technology

“emerging adulthood,” 214–15

Emory University: obedience study at, 69

Ephron, Nora, 137–38, 185

Erikson, Erik, 229, 230, 235, 259, 260

excess

adolescence and, 223–26

young children and, 23–28

“experience machine,” 250–51

Experience Sampling Method (ESM), 30–31, 33–34

“experiencing self,” 255–56, 258

Facebook, 217, 220–21

fairness, 54–55, 56, 57, 79, 88, 89, 234

Families and Work Institute, 159–60, 181

family planning, 7–8

fathers

adolescence and, 205, 207

and “autumnal” relationship with sons, 136

and change in experience of parenting, 8, 9

concerted cultivation and, 122, 149

discipline responsibilities of, 207

divided time and, 58

and division of household labor, 53

happiness of, 4, 5, 71

and how much time parents spend with children, 181

narratives of, 259

obedience issues and, 70–71

social isolation of, 63–64

Fink, Kathryn, 61

flow

and absence of feeling, 30

autonomy and, 28–34, 237

boredom and, 32–33, 34

characteristics of, 31

definition of, 30

happiness and, 31, 34

measurement of, 30–31

multitasking and, 35–36, 37, 38

rules and, 31, 33, 34

solitude and, 33

work and, 33–40

France, 83, 91–92

Frankl, Viktor, 254

freedom;
See
autonomy

Freud, Sigmund, 102, 242, 261

Friedan, Betty, 152–53, 154

Friedman, Tom, 138–39

Gagliardi, Annette, 31, 65

Galinsky, Ellen, 160, 181, 194, 224

Giedd, Jay, 213

Giffords, Gabrielle, 156

gift-love, 111–12, 113

“gift of service,” 180

Gilbert, Daniel, 27, 32–33, 71, 261

Gilovich, Tom, 258

globalization and children, 131–44

Gopnik, Alison, 26, 31, 101, 106–7, 112, 114, 212, 244, 249, 252–53

government: role in parenting of, 81–83, 92

Grant Study, 242

Groves, Ernest, 174–75

guilt, 38, 75, 78, 86, 87–88, 89, 90–91, 168, 264

Haidt, Jonathan, 252

Hall, Stanley, 187, 188

happiness

burden of, 171–77

as by-product, 251

complexity of studies about parenting and, 157–58

definition of, 240–41, 243, 254

and division of household labor, 57

as doing, 251, 254

duty and, 250

and early years of parenting, 17–18

expectations of, 248

and “experience machine” experiment, 251

fairness and, 234

flow and, 31, 34

fun differentiated from, 238–39

and gap between fathers and mothers, 71

and goals of parenting, 234, 238, 251

and government role in parenting, 81–83

marriage and, 57, 72, 203

measuring, 241

of parents, 4–6, 48, 158, 194, 238, 253

remembering self and, 256–57, 258

Simon’s studies of parenting and, 238–39, 253

of single parents, 48, 158, 253

sleep and, 21

working mothers and, 5

Harvard University, 10, 27, 69

“having it all,” 41

Hays, Sharon, 151, 155, 175, 245, 246, 249, 261, 262, 263, 264, 265

Head Start, 69

Hitchens, Christopher, 245

Hochschild, Arlie Russell, 53–54, 89, 158

Hofer, Barbara, 223

Holt, Evan, 54

Holt, Nancy, 54

homework, 128, 177–81

household labor

and change in experience of parenting, 8

division of, 8, 50–57, 80–81, 237

and women as domestic scientists, 153–54

Hulbert, Ann, 151–52, 174

hyperparenting, 119–26

Institute for American Values, 48

Internet.
See
technology

Ito, Mimi, 171, 219, 220

Jong, Erica, 155

joy

as connection, 242–44, 245

fear and, 244–45

“forboding,” 245

Kagan, Jerome, 7–8, 176, 180

Kahneman, Daniel, 5, 21, 83, 255, 256, 258

Kaiser Family Foundation, 170

Karolyi, Bela, 121

Kaufman, Sue, 155

Kefalas, Maria, 259–60

Kettering Medical Center (Dayton), 22

Killingsworth, Matthew, 5–6

kindergartners: obedience of, 69

Kolod, Todd, 28, 71, 74

Konner, Melvin, 15

Kuhn, Peter, 144

Kumon (after-school enrichment program), 146

Kundera, Milan, 98

Lanchester, John, 248

Lareau, Annette, 119–20, 124, 129, 144, 149–50, 166, 167, 181

Leach, Penelope, 175

LeMasters, E.E., 47

lesbian couples, 49, 60

Lewis, C.S., 99, 111, 113, 244, 245

Lewis, Michael, 91

life-redemption narratives, 259–60

“little adult” problem, 28

Louis C.K., 9

love

attachment and, 242–43

caring and, 112, 249

duty and, 248, 250

gift-, 111–12, 113, 244, 265

need-, 111–12

and stages of adulthood, 229

Lozano, Fernando, 144

Mansbach, Adam, 55–56

marriage

adolescence and, 48, 201–8

age at first, 42

conflict in, 49–50, 54

and division of household labor, 50–57, 237

expectations for, 41–44, 72

fairness and, 54–55, 56, 57, 79, 88, 89

gratitude in, 89

happiness/satisfaction in, 47–49, 57, 72, 203, 205

as public institution, 71–72

redefining attitudes in, 93

sex and, 50, 71–76, 203

social isolation and, 61–67

“soul mates” and, 72

Martin, Edward Sandford, 117

Matthews, Gareth B., 59–60, 108, 109–10

Mattingly, Marybeth, 59

McAdams, Dan P., 258, 259, 260–61

McHale, Susan, 205

Mead, Margaret, 134–36, 137, 138, 139, 176, 213, 261–62

Meetup, 61

Meyer, David E., 38

midlife rumination scale, 226–27

midlife crisis, 187, 207–8

Mintz, Steven, 126–27, 137, 165, 168, 213, 215, 218, 225

Missouri City, Texas, 162–63, 169, 171–72.

“mommy mystique,” 159

Montgomery-Downs, Hawley, 22

Motherlode (blog), 175

mothers

adolescence and, 207

concerted cultivation and, 122

daughters’ conflict with, 198

discipline responsibilities of, 207

empty nest, 5

happiness of, 4–5, 71

high standards for, 144–59

and how much time parents spend with children, 181

and “intensive mothering,” 155

as nags, 68, 150

“pressure points” of, 150

as primary caretakers, 149–50

social isolation of, 61–64

wage gap between childless women and, 143

multitasking, 3, 35–36, 37, 38, 58, 159

narratives: identity, 259–61

National Institute of Mental Health, 213

National Marriage Project, 19

National Vital Statistics, 19

need-love, 111–12

neighbors/neighborhoods, 64–66, 160–61, 252

nocturnal caregiving, 55–56, 162

normlessness, 7, 252

Nozick, Robert, 250–51

Obama, Barack, 45

Ondaatje, Michael, 95

overscheduled parents, 119–26, 167

parents/parenting

children’s rating of, 194

cultivation as primary obligation of, 135–38

deferring of, 19