All My Love, Detrick (16 page)

“When he left me and I found out I was going to have a baby, I came here because I couldn’t tell my family. My mother would have died of shame, knowing I had gotten pregnant out of wedlock.”

“He was a fool. If I ever had a girl like you, I sure wouldn't walk away from her. Some people just don’t realize what they have. But then again, if he had a wife, he shouldn’t have been seeing you in the first place. That is insincere in every way.”

The words Kurt spoke touched Helga deeply and she suddenly felt uncomfortable. “I need to be getting back,” she said,
and then she looked up into his eyes and the slight twinkle of attraction she felt frightened her. Without another word, she turned and walked as quickly as she could, without running, back to the safety of her room.

When she
arrived, she flung her coat on the bed and slammed the door. Helga did not understand the anger that seemed to have taken hold of her. But, she took Eric’s picture and threw it against the wall.

36

The happier Hermina seemed to be, the more resentful Helga became. Helga fought against the ugly, selfish emotions, but they continued to surface. It seemed to Helga that regardless of what Hermina had done in her past, Hermina would be redeemed, and when the time came, returned to her comfortable, if not wealthy, farming life. And, it seemed now that Hermina had realized her mistakes and changed her mind, she was convinced that a rural existence could offer her far more than the city, with its treacherous pitfalls.

When Hermina’s family came again the following Sunday, Helga remained in her room. Helga felt it best not to stir feelings she might develop for Kurt, a man she would never consider for marriage.
Instead, she sat alone, gazing out the window, wondering if Eric ever thought about her. The smells of food and the uplifting piano music drifted from the dining area. Although she was hungry, Helga did not want to see Kurt, so she sat, stubbornly refusing to leave her bedroom. If she ever considered allowing another man into her life, which she doubted she would, he must be rich and powerful. But hadn’t Eric been all she’d dreamed of, and more? Look at where that had gotten her. Confusion turned to anger, and more anger.

Once the music had ceased and the laughter and conversations died down, Helga knew the meal had ended and she began to allow herself to relax. Soon Hermina’s family would leave to return home, and with them Kurt. As she got up from her chair by the window to find her knitting, there was a knock on the door.
Helga wished she could just ignore it, but she knew she must answer.

“Yes?”

“It’s Kurt, may I come in?”

She dreaded seeing him, but she could not think of an excuse. “Yes come in.”

Kurt entered the room carrying a tray of food.

“I didn’t know if you might be hungry, so I brought this. Of course…if you are not feeling well, I will leave.”

She saw that his hands trembled as he clumsily put the tray on her night table.

As she studied him, Helga felt bad; he had made a kind gesture and she could not rebuke him for it.

“No, please don’t leave;” she found herself surprised to be saying, “I am actually hungry.”

A big smile spread over his entire face as he timidly pulled the chair out for her. She sat.

“Thank you… It is very kind of you to bring this for me.”

A blush came to his cheeks, giving him a boyish appearance, open and uncontrived, that tugged at her heartstrings.

“May I stay or would you prefer that I go?” Kurt kept his head down, ashamed that his face had turned red.

“I suppose you can stay.”

He sat at the chair by the window while she ate.

“What do you think of this Lebensborn concept, Kurt?”

“Not much…really.” Then he studied her. “Are you sure you want to know the truth?”

“Only if you want to tell me.”

“I think it is a disaster… I think the entire Third Reich will be a disaster. It is far too radical a way of thinking.”

“You mean the creation of a superior race?”

“Well, yes, that and the removal of all people that Hitler sees as unfit. When we have different types of people, we have a diverse and interesting world.”

She turned her chair to look at him.

“Before all of this began, I had been attending the university. I had plenty of Jewish professors. Wonderful and intelligent teachers, many of them were.”

“But I thought you were a farmer?”

“I am, and I always will be. But, I had gone to study agriculture. There is much to learn and I hoped I would increase my production.”

The more they talked, the more Kurt opened up like the pages of an interesting and inspiring book. He had befriended gypsies when they passed through Munich and he told her what he knew of their culture. His acceptance of all people and all things reminded her in many ways of her brother. As Helga listened to Kurt’s views, she began to see him in a different light.

When the sun began its descent from the sky, turning day to dusk, Helga found she wished Kurt did not have to leave. She had not enjoyed a conversation as much in a long time.

37

H
elga began to look forward to Sundays, when Hermina’s family came to visit. She and Kurt spent their time talking. Sometimes they took long walks; other times, they sat in front of the fireplace. He talked to her about farming and the delicious sweet taste of strawberries, fresh-picked off the vine. She told him about the city and the parties that she had once attended. Helga had never enjoyed reading until Kurt began to bring her novels. He would to tell her the beginnings of the stories in advance, so that she could not wait to open the books and continue the stories.

Margot went into labor late one Thursday night. By the
time, the girls found out, everything was over. Margot had delivered the baby and left the home without saying goodbye. Rumors spread that the child bore a cleft lip and had been euthanized at birth. Therefore, contact between Margot and the others had been forbidden, lest she start a panic. Imperfections in the newborns would not be tolerated. How much easier those words had sounded to Helga when she had first agreed to her contract at Heim Hockland. That was before this baby had moved within her, lighting her heart on fire with a need to protect it.

That Sunday when Kurt arrived, Helga told him what had happened to Margot.

“You remember Margot? The girl we had lunch with the first day you came to visit?”

“Yes
, I remember her…and her family. Why?”

“I don’t know for sure, but I heard she had the baby and it was born deformed. They euthanized it.” She sat across the table from
him, but her voice remained a whisper. “It’s dangerous for me to tell you this.”

“Come, let’s walk outside.” He took her arm and helped her to get up.

“Let me get my coat.”

It was less than a week to Christmas and the winter chill had set in. Helga’s cheeks took on a rosy hue as they walked.

“Now, what do you mean they euthanized the baby?”

“If children are born defective in any way, they kill them. It is never discussed, but it is an unspoken fact.”

“My God, that is atrocious! When will this monstrous behavior end?”

“What if my baby is not all right? I can’t help but wonder.” She turned to him and tears dripped from her eyes. He took her into his arms and held her as her body racked with sobs.

“I don’t know, Helga. I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. I wish I did.”

She nodded and for a long time he held her.

“Helga?”

“Yes?”

“You must realize that I’ve fallen in love with you?”

“Please Kurt. Don’t love me. I
am damaged. I can never love again.”

“I don’t believe that. I think you love me, too. I can’t give you the world the way your Nazi officer could. It is not that I wouldn’t want to. You deserve the best of everything, but I don’t have it.
But, what I can give you is my heart and my soul. You will never have to worry about other women. No other woman will ever mean to me what you do. And, I will give you children, Helga, children we can keep and raise and love. Please, give me a chance.”

The snow crunched beneath him as he got down on one knee. Out of his
pocket, he took a small box. His hands, red from the cold, trembled as he lifted the lid. Inside a small diamond ring lay against a black velvet background.

For a
moment, Helga stood still. She sucked a deep breath of the cold air into her lungs.

“Kurt, oh, God,
Kurt. I don’t know what to say… I’m so confused.” She stared into his eyes, eyes that were filled with hope. Frightened, she shook her head and turned running back to the house. She did not stop until she reached her room. When she did, she flung the door closed behind her, then turned the lock.

Kurt stayed on one knee for several minutes holding the ring box before he collapsed kneeling into the snow, his tears freezing in the winter wind as they fell upon his face.

38

Berlin

“I should have been here with you. I can never forgive myself.” Detrick could not escape the guilt he felt at not having been with Leah on Kristallnacht.

Detrick and Leah lay in her bed.

“You could not have known.” Leah smoothed the hair out of Detrick’s eyes.

“I should have known. Konrad should have told me.”

“Isn’t that your childhood friend who joined the party?” She remembered Detrick mentioning him.

“Yes, it is. Konrad disappoints me so much. I cannot believe that he has become the man he is. When we were young, we were best friends.”

“Lots of people joined the party we never thought would do so. People I knew all my life.” Leah shook her head.

“Yes, I know and they are cruel to their neighbors. I see it all the time. The world has gone mad, Leah.
And, we are caught in the middle. I would give my life to save you, if it need be so.”

“Don’t talk that way, Detrick. This will pass. It has to.” It felt as if a long fingernail ran itself up the length of
Leah’s spine, and she shivered.

39

Warsaw, Poland

“C
antankerous old fool,” Karl thought, as he watched his boss, Mr. Heimlsky, count the money drawer for the third time.

“Are we short?”

“I don’t think so, but one can never check too many times.” He watched Karl out of the corner of his beady, accusing eyes.

If you haven’t found anything missing why keep counting? Karl wondered. This, he thought, is what gives us Jews a bad name. He shook his head as he wiped the glass counter top.

“Is there anything else I can do?”

“Clean. Keep cleaning until I am all done. Then you can wait until I say you can go. That is what you can do.”

Because Karl seemed eager to leave, the old man slowly checked the drawer a last time. He counted out Karl’s small salary and handed it to him.

“Now you can go. I’ll see you in the morning, and make sure, don’t be late.”

Karl nodded his head as he tucked the bills into his pocket and headed to the tavern. In the corner, his friend Joseph waited, sipping a whiskey.

“Karl, over here,” Joseph called out when he saw his friend enter.

The chair groaned as he pulled it away from the table and sat down.

“You’re really late tonight.”

“Yeah, the old bastard got the idea that his drawer might be short and he counted it until his old eyes almost popped out.”

The two men laughed.

“Have you thought about coming to work at the aerospace factory? I could pull for you. And besides, I really want you to come to a meeting of the Bund.” The Bund, the Jewish socialist union, had begun to boycott all merchandise from Germany because of Hitler’s regime.

“I like everything about the Bund except that they don’t believe in Zionism…they don’t think we need a Jewish state.
And, I’m telling you Joseph, without a Jewish state, we will never be a strong people. The Gentiles will always do what they want to with us. They always have.”