All of Me (15 page)

She propped her
head on her hand and patted the spot next to her.  “Come lie down with me.”

Nathan removed his
shoes and set them, perfectly aligned, at the foot of her bed.  He gingerly
stretched out next to Stella so they were face to face, lying across her bed.

 Stella ran her
palm over his head.  She trailed a fingertip down until it rested on his
scabbed lip then tugged at his ripped shirt.  “You’re in some kind of shape,
Officer Drazek.  I think I got a little too rough with you.”

“I loved it,” he
said all growly and emphatic and Stella grinned. 

“Me too.” Stella
planted a quick kiss on him.  She laughed throatily when Nathan came back after
her lips; rolling on top of her and pressing her back onto the mattress.  She
wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her legs so he could settle his
pelvis there.  Stella was shocked to feel an erection pressing into her thigh.

She broke their
kiss and took Nathan’s face into her hands.  Stella lifted her pelvis slightly
and smiled.  “I wouldn’t have thought it physiologically possible.  I’m
flattered.”

Nathan flushed. 
He dipped his head down to nuzzle in her neck.  Stella shivered when he traced
her ear with his tongue.

“Nathan?”

“Hmmm…” 

“I want to tell
you something.”

“Hmmm…”  He was
very busy dipping his tongue into the hollow of her throat and Stella was very
busy melting into putty beneath that tongue. 

Stella exhaled a
half-laugh, half-sigh and tugged at his neck.  “You’ve got to stop doing that
or I’ll never get out what I’m trying to say.”

Nathan lifted his
head so their eyes could meet.  Stella knew she’d never get tired of staring
into those whiskey-colored wells of sadness and sweetness. 

Stella wanted to
tell him that her cancer was probably back.  That she’d most likely be spending
the next 6-9 months sick, tired, and recovering from another surgery.  She
wanted to tell him that she’d understand if he didn’t want to expose himself to
that.  They’d only know each other for a short time…she wanted him to know that
he had no obligation to do anything other than wish her well and take off.

But Stella didn’t
want to ruin this moment.  She’d had enough moments ruined by sad cancer crap
for one lifetime. 

So she said the
only other thing in her heart and on her mind.  “I want you to know I have
never experienced anything like that before.  Not ever.  Not even close.  I
want you to know that it was beautiful and amazing and special and something
I’ll never forget.”  She caressed his cheek with the back of her fingers. 
“Thank you.”

Nathan’s entire
body went rigid.

And not in a good
way. 

He pushed himself
up on his knees and braced his hands on his thighs.   “What in the hell is that
supposed to mean?”

The little crinkle
between her eyes appeared.  “What?”

“What, are you
kicking me out? 

Stella shook her
head.  “Nathan-“

“Sure sounded like
a ‘fuck-off’ to me.”

Nathan was
spiraling, but couldn’t stop.  His feelings were all jumbled up and his nerve
endings were exposed and he was still reeling from the most emotional, intense
experience of his life.  Mix in the emotional maturity of a twelve year old and
you had nothing but a recipe for Big, Juicy Clusterfuck.

She searched his
face.  “Me describing what we shared as ‘beautiful, amazing, and special’
sounded like ‘fuck-off’ to you?” 

Stella wasn’t
being sarcastic.  Her question was entirely sincere and that only served to
piss Nathan off more.

“Why are you
saying you’ll never forget it?  And
thanking
me, for Christ’s sake!” 
Nathan scoffed.  “What next, an FTD bouquet?  Maybe they have a ‘thanks for the
good, hard fuck’ arrangement.  Should I be expecting that on my doorstep
tomorrow?”

“Nathan!”  Stella
propped up on her elbows.  “Where is this coming from?”

Nathan knew
exactly it was coming from, but his fucked-up childhood was not Stella’s
problem.  Not her problem and none of her business.

“I’m out of
here.”  Nathan swung his leg over Stella’s body and rolled off her bed. 

“The hell you
are!”  Stella scrambled after him and stood, teetering on the edge of the bed,
still clutching the top of her dress.  She got right into Nathan’s face as he
shoved his feet into his shoes.

“I don’t know what
you heard, Nathan, but that was not a fuck-off or a good-bye or anything else
like that.”  Stella sighed.  “Nathan, will you please look at me?”

He leveled his
best
I couldn’t give any less of a fuck
gaze on her. 

She cupped his
face.  “Listen, I’m afraid too.  Actually, scratch that.  I’m not afraid - I’m
terrified
. 
I’ve spent the six months pushing people away; telling myself that being alone
wasn’t so bad and that not trusting anyone – especially men – was the only way
to survive.  And I was doing okay, you know?  I was hanging in there.  I made
my peace with Ryan’s betrayal.  I realized he wasn’t the man I’d thought he was
and I wasn’t the judge of character I’d thought I was and tried my best to let
it go. 

I survived chemo,
radiation, and surgery.  I started seeing a therapist who really helped me
learn to love my new body.”  She smiled.  “Okay, maybe not love it, but at
least accept it.  I had my family and my work and my friends.  I wasn’t looking
for you.  I didn’t
want
to find you.  You are my worst nightmare.” 

Stella’s eyes
welled up.  “But I did find you.  We found each other.  And now all I can think
about is the way you smell and what that tattoo on your shoulder is and how it
would feel to sleep wrapped in your arms.  I want to hear all of your secrets
and tell you all of mine.”  Tears slipped down both cheeks.  “Because I’ve
never felt a connection like this with anyone else.”

The knot in
Nathan’s throat turned into a full-fledged fist.  And had his legs not turned
to jelly, he would have run for his life. 

“But don’t think
for a minute that any of this means I am not scared.  I’ve never been more
scared in my life.  There’s a lot you don’t know about me and a lot I don’t
know about you and I have no idea how this will all turn out.  But I need you
to understand there was no motive behind what I said other than wanting you to
know how life-altering the past hour has been for me.  I wanted you to know
that – even though I’ve had other relationships – nothing I experienced during
them came close to what we just shared.  That I will treasure this experience
no matter what happens in the future.  That’s all.”

The fist in his
throat was now the size of a bowling ball.

Stella quirked a
brow, lips curled.  “So, no ‘thanks for the good, hard fuck’ bouquet in your
future, okay?  I don’t want you to be expecting that on your doorstep
tomorrow.”

Nathan hooked his
arm around Stella’s knees and yanked, catching her against his chest when her
legs went out from under her.  He snaked an arm behind her back and eased her
back onto the mattress. 

Nathan braced a
hand on either side of her face and met her eyes.  “I’m…sorry.”

Stella wrapped her
legs around his thighs, pulling their pelvises close together, and smiled
coyly.  “How sorry?”

Gypsy
she-devil.

Nathan ground his
erection into the cradle of her body and groaned.  “
Very
sorry.”

Stella laughed
throatily.  “Wow, that feels incredibly sorry to me, officer.”  She ran her
hands over his shoulders and down his arms, lingering on his flexed biceps. 
When she made a little sound of approval in the back her throat, Nathan’s mouth
watered. 

Stella tilted her
pelvis up.  “Okay, I forgive you.  Now kiss me.”

***

“
Get down!  Now
!” 

Nathan’s screams
and thrashing startled Stella awake.  She sat up, blinking against the dark. 
“Nathan, honey, what’s wrong?”  She just barely dodged a flailing arm. 
“Nathan!”

His eyes were
closed and he was clearly trapped in the throes of a nightmare; face contorted
with fear, his forehead clammy, and his limbs jerking wildly. 

She shook his
bicep.  “Nathan!  Nathan!”

“Get down, god
damn it!  No!”  His head thrashed back and forth against pillow.  Nathan
mumbled a few words before screaming, “God, no!  Please, no!”

His limbs went
limp and his torso began jerking rhythmically. 

“Oh, God…”  Stella
switched on the side lamp and scrambled to her knees to assess Nathan’s
movements, concerned he was having a seizure. 

But Nathan wasn’t
seizing.  He was crying, tears streaming from both eyes and his body wracked
with violent sobs.

“Nathan!”  Stella
straddled him and shook both shoulders as hard as she could.  “Nathan, honey,
wake up!”

When he continued
silently weeping, Stella fought back tears of her own.  The piteous, mournful
noises Nathan was making were shredding her heart.  “Nathan!”  She slapped his
cheek lightly a few times, but he still didn’t wake up.  “Nathan!”  Stella
slapped his cheek harder.

Precisely three
seconds later, she was face-first into the mattress, her arms behind her, with
Nathan sitting on her lower back.

Stella turned her
face so she could breathe.  “Nathan!”  She panted out a few breaths.  “I can’t
breathe!  You’re hurting me!”

His body jerked
above her.  “
Oh, my God
…”  Nathan released her wrists and rolled off. 
“Oh, my God, Stella…I am so fucking sorry.  Are you okay?”

Stella sat up and pressed
a palm to her pounding chest.  “I’m fine…I’m fine.  You just startled me.  Are
you
okay?” 

Obviously not. 
Nathan looked like he’d seen a ghost.  And he probably had.  He was pale,
wide-eyed, and damp-faced.

He squeezed the
back of his neck and exhaled a shuddering breath.  “Yeah.  I’m fine.  Just a
bad dream.”  Nathan looked her up and down.  He touched her forearm like he was
checking if she was real.  “Are you sure you’re okay?  I didn’t hurt you?”

“No, I’m fine.” 
Stella scooted closer to him and caressed his cheek, searching his eyes. 
“Nathan, my God…what were you dreaming about?”

“Nothing in
particular.  Just one of those bad dreams.”  He tried to smile, but failed
miserably.  “But I feel awful that I jumped on you like that.”

“That was some maneuver,”
Stella said, forcing her own smile.  “I think I got an Officer Drazek arrest
special.”

He pulled her into
a spooning position.  “Huh.  Yeah.  Sorry about that.  Must have been dreaming
about police stuff, right?”  Nathan molded his body around hers and Stella felt
his vibrating.

She nestled into
his arms and rested her cheek against his bicep.  “You okay now?” 

“All clear.  I
mean, yeah, it’s all good.  I’m good.  Fine.”  Nathan nuzzled the nape of her
neck and tightened his arms around her. 

He fell asleep a
few minutes later, but Stella lied awake; wondering, worrying, and wishing
there was a quick, easy way to get to the bottom of Nathan Drazek.  But already
knowing there wasn’t.

It occurred to her
he’d been nearly fully-clothed both times they made love and he’d just had a
hideous nightmare that sounded awfully like the capture of Bin Laden gone
wrong.  He was emotionally closed off, physically skittish, and very, very
guarded. 

‘Enigma’ didn’t
begin to describe this guy.  Neither did ‘wounded.’  But she’d figure it all
out.  And fix it.  Of that she was absolutely sure.

Stella snuggled in
closer and smiled when Nathan sleepily did the same. 

***

A few hours later,
her doorbell blew up. Stella stole a glance at her alarm clock.  7 am.

“Shit.”

Stella slipped out
from under Nathan’s arm and scooted off the bed.  She tugged her neckline up
and her hemline down. 

“Don’t answer it,”
Nathan said, his voice husky with sleep. 

Stella ran her
hand through her hair as she made her way to the door, scattering bobby pins
everywhere.  “Trust me, that won’t stop them,” she muttered.  She pulled the
bedroom door closed behind her and did her ninja creep to the peephole.  She
was 99.9% sure she knew who was banging on her door like lunatics, but it never
hurt to check.

“You’ve gotta be
kidding me.”  She’d guessed one, maybe two.  But not
all
of them.  “Damn
it!”

“We can hear you,
you know,” Fi called out sing-songy.  “So you might as well open it up and get
this over with, Stell.”

 “Yeah, yeah,
yeah.”  Stella flipped open her locks and opened the door.  She stood back to
let all four of her sisters file into her tiny living room.  “What in the hell
are you guys doing here?  It’s 7 o’clock in the morning!”

“You haven’t been
answering your phone.  We’ve all been calling and texting.  You’ve been MIA for
two days,” Nina said with a knowing look Stella wanted to smack off her face.

Gigi took a good,
hard look at Stella – from her wild hair to her wrinkled dress to the smudged
eye makeup.  “Dear God, Stella, what the hell happened to you?  And whose car
is that in your driveway?”

“I have a pretty
good idea,” Fi said softly, before calling out loudly, “Officer Drazek?”

“Fiorella!” 
Stella hissed.

“Who in the hell
is Officer…”  Gigi paused, brows furrowed.  “Did you say ‘Drazek?’”

“Yeah.  No.  You
guys are killing me!”  Stella grabbed one of Gigi’s arms and one of Fi’s and
tried pushed them toward the door.  “Just go.  I’ll call you all later.  I’ll
call and email and text, okay?  Whatever you want.  Just, please, get out!”

“Well,
hello
,”
Fi said with a laugh and Stella dropped her arms.  Exhaling a hard sigh, she
turned to find Nathan standing behind her.