All Of You (Only You) (10 page)

Claire knew she wasn't being rational, but when had emotions ever been rational or logical. Every thought collided with a feeling that tangled and confused her until all she wanted to do was cry again. Drowning her sorrows in the bath seemed like a great idea at first, but she only found herself becoming more agitated as the water cooled around her. Frustrated and depressed, she pulled the plug and climbed out of the tub.

She yanked a towel from the rack and quickly rubbed it over her wet skin. Claire's breath caught when she spied a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Red puffy eyes with dark circles beneath, creases in her forehead and the corners of her mouth pointing down told the story well. She looked like shit and rather than look at that miserable woman, she darted out of the bathroom and threw herself onto her bed. The crumpled bedding bunched under her. She hadn't had the energy to make it earlier and certainly couldn't be bothered now.

With her head buried in a pillow, Claire gave in to the tears that had plagued her since yesterday. Her body shook with each sob, and the cool cotton beneath her cheek was soon soaked. She had to wonder why she hadn't shriveled up like a prune with all the moisture she'd leaked in the last two days.

As the crying jag settled and only the occasional hiccup jolted her, Claire closed her eyes and let exhaustion claim her.

*****

Ryan threw his hardhat onto the desk and flopped into a chair. His back ached, his fingers were cramping, and his eyes stung from all the grit the wind had kicked up off the site today. It had been one hell of a day, and it wasn't over yet. He was taking a quick break to grab a drink and ring Claire. There was no way any of them were getting out of here before midnight, and he needed to check to see she was okay before he got on with work. He pulled his phone from his pocket and hit the speed dial for Claire.

The phone rang and rang. Ryan was just about to hang up when she answered in a sleep slurred voice.

"Hello?"

"Hey, beautiful, how're feeling?"

"Ryan?" He heard her suck in a breath, blow it out in a rush, and he imagined her lying in her bed yawning. "What time is it? I must have fallen asleep."

Ryan chuckled at her sleep-confused state and wished he could be in bed beside her, waking her up in a different way. He loved Claire first thing in the morning. She was so open and relaxed. It was the one time she was herself in front of him. The rest of the time she put up an invisible wall to shield a small part of herself. He'd do anything to remove that wall.

"It's after six. I'm caught at work. We need to work into the night, or we're going to miss our deadline and forfeit the bonus payment. I won't be home until midnight. Maybe not even then."

"Oh, okay."

She sounded lost, and Ryan's gut tightened. "I can come home if you want. Brett can handle the job if you need me there."

"Oh no, I'm fine. Honest. I'm just a little groggy from my nap. You need to take care of business, Ryan. I'll probably just grab a quick bite to eat and then go back to sleep anyway."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Only if you're sure." He wanted to jump in his truck and drive home to be with her right now, but he knew he couldn't.

Laughter vibrated over the phone line. "I'm fine, Ryan. Besides, I'm a big girl. I can look after myself just fine."

Her words didn't reassure him, far from it. Instead they sliced into him, cutting with the sharp edge of her dismissal of him, even though he didn't think that was how she meant it. He closed his eyes and leaned back in the chair with a sigh.

"Okay. I won't disturb you when I get home. I'll talk to you in the morning." He was grateful tomorrow was Saturday; neither of them had to go to work.

"See you in the morning. Good night Ryan."

"Night. Sleep well."

Ryan held the phone to his ear after the line went dead. He didn't want to let go of that small connection to Claire regardless of the fact she'd already hung up. He jumped when someone thumped on the side of the portable office trailer.

"Come on, Ryan. The quicker we get this done the sooner we get out of here." His brother yelled through the closed door.

"Coming." He pushed himself out of the seat and reached for his hat. Brett was right, the sooner he got on with it the better.

Brett was already dragging the roofing sheets over to where the men were waiting. There was another crew on the other side of the building, and Ryan headed in their direction. The huge portable halogen lights they'd erected earlier lit up the ground. If they managed to get the roof on today, Brett and the weekend crew would have the building at lock-up stage by the end of tomorrow, which would keep them on track for next week's deadline.

His brother was pulling double shifts this week because of the earlier weather delay, and Ryan knew they both deserved some time off soon. But they had to take the work when they could. Once winter set in, the jobs would slow down considerably and so would their cash flow. Not that they were in any danger of going under. They'd worked their asses off to make the business profitable, and they were finally in a position where they could go a few months without work and still be fine.

Ryan felt a surge of pride when he thought about how well they were doing. They'd built a reputable company from the ground up, and the demand for their services was growing every day. He couldn't be happier with how his life was turning out, and with Claire in the picture things were looking even brighter. With straining arm muscles and a whistle, Ryan got to work.

*****

Saturday morning dawned with typical Sydney summer style—hot and breezeless. The heat only exasperated Claire's mood, so she closed all the windows and doors and cranked up the air-conditioning. The nap she'd taken the afternoon before meant she'd been awake since four, so by seven she'd done all her household chores and was ready for the rest of the weekend to be over. The one dark cloud hanging over the next two days was the looming confrontation with Ryan.

Jane had rung last night, and in her usual best friend way she'd managed to pry the whole wretched story out of Claire. They'd argued for over an hour about her decision to end things with Ryan, but it didn't matter how much yelling Jane did, Claire was convinced she was making the right decision. She just hoped the fight hadn't damaged their lifelong friendship. Claire couldn't remember the last time Jane had been so angry with her. There was no time to worry about it now, though. She had to focus on the situation with Ryan first.

Claire knew it wasn't going to go well. No man took being dumped with a smile, but when the woman didn't really want to do the dumping things were more complicated. Her defenses needed to be in place if she wanted to get through this without breaking down and begging him to stay. She'd had a lot of time to think and still wasn't sure what she was going to say to make him understand. The twinge of doubt in the back of her mind wasn't helping either. It had never been this hard to make a decision before. Her heart told her not to end it, but her head said yes. Claire glanced at the clock and wondered how much longer before Ryan knocked on her door.

As if she'd conjured him up, the doorbell rang. Taking a deep breath, she slipped from the stool and headed for the confrontation she'd been dreading. She tried to step out of the way as she opened the door, but Ryan reached out and drew her close. He wrapped his arms around her, crushing her breasts into his chest as he took her mouth in a pulse-accelerating kiss. His tongue toyed with hers, teased until she couldn't deny either of them what he demanded.

For what seemed like forever, he ate at her mouth, devoured all resistance in his way before he broke the kiss and tucked her head against his chest. "Damn, I missed you."

Claire stilled. His words went straight to her heart and caused it to skip a beat. But her mind soon took over. They couldn't do this. Couldn't continue to see each other when there was no chance of a future together.

"Ryan, we need to talk," she mumbled against his chest.

"Just let me hold you for a bit." His arms squeezed her. "I need my Claire fix before I can think straight."

She closed her eyes and swallowed over the lump in her throat. He was saying everything her heart wanted to hear, but the guilt of denying him a future wouldn't go away. It gnawed at her until she couldn't stand it anymore. Pulling free of his hold, Claire stepped back and turned toward the kitchen.

"Do you want a coffee? I've got a fresh pot on." She didn't look at him, didn't have the strength to see the confusion that must be written all over his face.

"Um…sure."

His footsteps echoed behind her as she walked into the kitchen. Keeping herself busy, Claire got another mug from the cupboard and poured Ryan a coffee. She placed it on the breakfast bar before refilling her own cup. Her hands shook as she brought the hot brew to her lips. Not wanting to risk a burn, Claire put her mug down and took a deep breath.

"Ryan." His name came out barely above a whisper. She cleared her throat before trying to get the words she needed to say out. "I think we should slow things down."

Ryan's mug hit the counter with a thud. "Slow things down?"

"Yes, I like spending time with you, but you've hardly gone out since we, um"— her hand waved between them, words failing her—"you've been spending all your time with me, and it's unfair of me to expect that—"

"Expect?"

"You should be going out and enjoying yourself instead of hanging out at home with me. You're in the prime of your life, but you'll never find the woman of your dreams at this rate." Claire stole a glance at him through her lowered eyelashes. He looked so hurt and confused. And angry.

"You think I shouldn't want to spend my time with you?"

"No, I didn't say that exactly."

"Then what did you say?"

"You shouldn't be spending
all
your time with me. We can still see each other if you want."

"Why?"

"Because . . ." Again words failed her. She was making a mess of this, and she knew it, but like a car wreck she could see it happening and do nothing to stop it. "You should be out there looking for the woman you'll spend the rest of your life with."

"And that woman isn't you." He voiced her thoughts as though there was no question.

Pain sliced through Claire's heart at Ryan's confirmation of her biggest fear. She wasn't the one. Just the thought of the unknown woman of his dreams made her hurt in ways she couldn't define. It was a struggle to hold back the tears stinging her eyes and the sob threatening to burst from her throat, but she had to remain strong. For both their sakes she had to see this through.

*****

Ryan stared at Claire and wondered where the hell this was coming from. Where it was going?

"Let me see if I've got this straight."

Claire remained silent, her eyes looking anywhere but at him. Emotions he couldn't begin to pin down consumed him, making his words come out harsher than he intended.

"I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to have a relationship with?" Ryan couldn't keep the anger—or disappointment—from his voice.

"That's not what I meant. You're twisting my words."

"Then explain it to me, because what I heard was you're happy to fuck me for as long as I want to fuck you, but I should be on the lookout for the woman that makes my heart go pitter-patter." He clenched his fists, the urge to smash his hand through a wall thrumming in his veins.

"I never used the words pitter-patter. I said you should be going out, seeing other woman not spending all your time here with me." Claire sighed, and her shoulders drooped as her gaze lowered to his feet. "You deserve to find a special woman, someone to build a future with, have a family with."

"Special woman?" Ryan tried to understand what the hell Claire was talking about, but all he could think was the last few weeks had been nothing more than scratching an itch to her. She didn't feel what he felt when he was buried deep inside her.

"I can't give you those things," she said.

Her mumbled words were barely audible, but he heard them, heard the regret she couldn't hide. Good. Maybe his whole world hadn't just shattered at his feet.

"Why can't you give me those things?"

Her head snapped up, her mouth gaping open. "Are you insane?" She stared at him like he'd grown a second head. "I'm old enough to be your mother!"

Ah, now we're getting somewhere.

"Claire you'd have to have been a very young mother, and believe me when I say I've never had any thoughts remotely mother-ish when it comes to you."

"I'm fourteen years older. I'm in my forties, and you're still in your twenties. You can't think that age gap won't matter when I'm in my sixties and you're in your forties."

He hadn't realized how caught up in their age difference she was. It never even entered his mind unless Claire mentioned it, and after the first couple of times she'd dropped it altogether. He had believed she'd moved past it. Obviously not. But now that he knew what he was up against, he could work around the barrier she saw between them.