All That Is Lost Between Us (29 page)

Afterwards, she slept for a while in his bed. She woke around midnight and texted her parents, telling them she would be staying over with Bethany, and then snuggled back down next to him. But when she came to again with the dawn, the world had changed. All the ecstatic certainty she had hidden behind in the low-lit evening became a tumult of emotions that began to face her down as the daylight grew stronger.

He was asleep next to her. The dawn light coming through the curtains gilded his features, their perfect contours giving her goose bumps. In the blissful hours they had spent together she had been aware of little else but how much they wanted each other. Yet now she was terrified. She could not keep lying to him while falling ever deeper in love.

She had stifled a sob. She didn't want him to wake up and find her like this – with guilt written all over her. She climbed quietly out of bed and pulled on her clothes, all the time watching him, his features becalmed by sleep.

When she was ready to go she took one final look back, her chest heaving at the decision to leave. But what else could she do? While the truth had been sidelined last night, she knew they had gone too far. She could not live in the lie any longer. Nor could she confess while lying naked in his bed.

Surely he would understand, because she could not imagine anyone else so perfect, so meant for her. The blanket nestled against his waist, and a beam of golden light ran down across his face and along his muscled torso. He was so beautiful that she had felt for her phone in her pocket and flicked it onto the camera, framing him in the little square, knowing that although the moment couldn't last, she could preserve the memory in this picture forever.

Then she had slipped out while Leo slept, breaking into a jog on the way home and not stopping until she reached her front door. She thought she could hide in the house, forget her decisions, but when she got home it was obviously too late for that. This wasn't something she could outrun.

She had paced around her room all day, ignoring her family as much as she could, not able to stomach heading down for dinner, neither for food nor conversation. She had seen Leo's texts, checking she was okay, telling her he'd had a great night, asking when he could see her again. He couldn't hide his eagerness – he wanted more, just as much as Georgia did. She didn't reply. Instead, she had Googled student–teacher affairs, craving comfort, but finding that even though she was over the age of consent, he was still in a ‘position of trust'. They had just done something illegal – if anyone found out, Leo would be in big trouble. She had put him in a terrible position, and he was oblivious to her deception. After that, she had gone into the bathroom and dry-retched.

She stalled for two days, trying to figure out what to do. It was too big a burden to carry alone. She went through a list of people she could confide in who might have some treasured piece of advice, some neat and easy way through this that she hadn't thought of, a way of setting things right without causing pain. But when Leo sent her a text, asking if she would meet him at the spot they had first run into one another, the section he now knew as the spirit road, she had said yes. She knew that this couldn't go on any longer. Leo had to know the truth.

•  •  •

He was waiting for her as she ran up to him, and one look at his face told her there was nothing left to confess.

‘I saw a photo of you at school yesterday,' he said, his tone low and unforgiving. ‘Now I know why you've been avoiding me.'

She stared at him, mute and ashamed.

‘You
knew
, Georgia, and yet you came to my house – you let us . . . we . . .' He could hardly say the words. As their eyes met, his distress was so acute that she felt her throat constrict. The anger in his gaze could not conceal his pain.

‘I'm sorry,' she said, her words faint and her head swimming, but as soon as she began to speak he held up a hand to stop her.

‘This is a huge, huge promotion for me. I haven't even started this job yet, and now I'm
fucked
. Do you know what you've done?'

‘I'm so sorry.' She began to cry. ‘I'm so, so –'

‘Then
why
, Georgia?' he interrupts. ‘Was this just a game to you – something to laugh about with your friends?'

‘Of course not,' she wailed, ‘it wasn't like that at all.'

‘So you haven't told anyone about us?' he asked, glaring at her, his hands on his hips.

‘No.'

He nodded. ‘Then, if you care anything at all for me, don't. There's nothing to tell any more.'

Her breath caught at his words. She took a step towards him, tears cascading freely down her face, but he waved a hand as though dismissing her. ‘Stay away from me, Georgia,' he said, before he turned to go. ‘Just keep right away.'

•  •  •

She was in agony during the two weeks before term commenced, an agony of lost love combined with a fear of what was to come. It was almost a relief to get to the start-of-term assembly and see him up there in the rows of teachers, watch him introduced as a new member of the school, hear her friends comment on what a hottie he was.

The day passed in a daze. She had never felt so ridiculous in her striped blazer. She held her breath as she reached every corner, aware that Leo and her mother were now in close proximity. She couldn't concentrate when people spoke to her. She threw her lunch in the bin.

She tried to tell herself that everything else was another life. But each time she pictured his face close to hers she knew that what had happened between them had been real. She had no doubt he'd had genuine feelings for her – surely he couldn't switch them off in an instant.

By lunchtime she couldn't bear it. She had walked up to the sports hall and found him with a group of table-tennis players. She had watched him for a while in the shadows of the doorway, and when the games finished she had loitered while people came out. When everyone had gone, she slipped inside the hall.

He was putting equipment away, and as soon as he saw her, he stopped.

‘What are you doing here?'

‘I needed to see you.'

Neither of them moved. Then he turned away and began to collect more bats and balls. She walked over and put her hand on his. ‘Leo?'

He whipped his arm away as though her touch had stung. ‘Stop!' he cried, his gaze shooting across to the open doorway. She followed his glance, to see one of the students coming back in. ‘Forgot my jumper,' the boy said, and hurried across to a row of chairs, eyes averted, collecting his clothing and heading straight back out. Until he disappeared, until she exhaled, Georgia hadn't realised she was holding her breath.

‘For god's sake, Georgia. Come to my office after school,' Leo had said. ‘Now, go.'

She was thrilled to have another opportunity to see him. She had counted every second of the afternoon, unable to catch her breath, lightheaded by the time the final bell rang. She needed to talk to him before they met up somewhere with other people around. Although he wasn't her regular sport teacher, who knew when he might take one of her classes unexpectedly. This was only the first day; she couldn't go on like this.

She waited until most people had gone, before heading to the main building where the offices were. She marched up to one of the forbidding wooden doors and knocked.

‘Come in,' a voice called.

She entered, closing the door quietly and coming to stand at the opposite side of the desk.

He said nothing, glowering at her. A fiery flush began to spread from her face down through her whole body. He was waiting, but she could not find any words to try to appease him. The room began to fill with the weight of expectation, as though an unseen poison was finding its way through every crack and crevice, coming closer, ready to choke her, leaving her with no way out.

She watched him move around the desk, his expression changing to contempt. As he approached, her exhilaration drained away; fear was taking its place. He was acting so differently to the person she had known. She felt her legs start to weaken and the word she uttered came out so quietly that at first she was not sure she'd said it at all.

‘Leo.'

She wondered if he would see how close she was to fainting –
if she did, would he catch her?
– but when he got near enough that his whisper would only be heard by her, he stared straight into her eyes and said, ‘Do not
ever
call me by my first name. I'm warning you, Georgia: stay away from me, and I'll stay away from you. I won't warn you again.'

Z
ac is sitting in the cobbled square in the centre of town, summoning the energy to take the short ride up to school. It's nice here, away from the tension. Everyone is getting on with life, there's no sign of the apocalypse that Zac is certain awaits him.

He had stopped at a bakery and eaten two sausage rolls in quick succession, ignoring the vibration of Georgia's phone as three more calls from Sophia went unanswered. However, when he realises his own phone is beeping in his pocket, he pulls it out. It's Maddie.

Whatever you said worked. She's taken the photo down.

It's impossible to tell what Maddie is thinking, but he finds he doesn't care much whether she is annoyed with him. He doesn't bother to reply, but he checks his own Facebook page, to find that Jacinta has unfriended him. Why they had been friends in the first place he has no idea, and he'd be glad of this development except now he can't see what she is up to. He'll have to hope he did enough, that the fallout from this doesn't get any bigger.

Exhaustion overtakes him, despite the early hour. He sits for five minutes longer on the bench, unwilling to move, until he realises he'll miss the start of Georgia's race if he doesn't go now. He picks up his bike and begins to cycle away from town, leaving behind the stone-built pubs and cafes, privet hedges springing up either side of him as he rides further into the countryside past a few boutique hotels. He rounds the corner into the school driveway and pedals hard to get up the hill. Once at the top he walks his bike to the lock-up area, secures the chain, then heads to the upper field on foot.

There are so many people here. He always forgets how busy these events are. He keeps an eye out for his parents in the crowd, but he sees Georgia first, standing with a group of runners near the start line, shaking her legs to loosen her muscles, her hands on her hips and the number 0313 pinned to her chest and back. He'd been thinking of Maddie as his last female friend, but what about his sister? She's kind and sympathetic and usually someone he can turn to. Might he have ruined that? For how long?

She is staring up the field towards the tree line, as though anticipating the race. Zac finds himself nervous just watching her. If she triumphs, could it in any way diminish the drama of the leaked photo?

What have you been doing, Georgia?
he asks her silently.
That photo of Freeman. That woman in your bed that you don't even know about. How much trouble are you in?

He collects her phone from his pocket. The screen shows another three calls from Sophia. This isn't good – Sophia is obviously desperate to get in touch with Georgia. Of course she is. She will have seen the photo.

Georgia is going to be livid.

He hesitates, delaying the confrontation. He casts around to see his mum wandering among the spectators, her eyes unfocused as though she is lost.

‘Mum!' He strides across to her, expecting to be thoroughly told off, thinking he might as well get it over with. But his mum seems bewildered, as though she isn't really seeing him.

‘Where's your dad? I've lost him.'

‘I don't know, I just got here.'

She doesn't even ask where he's been, but continues to gaze distractedly along the edge of the crowd.

‘Mum, are you okay?'

His voice brings her back to focus on him. She pauses as though she's waiting for her head to clear, and then her words come in a rush. ‘Where have you been? Have you got Georgia's phone?' At his nod, her brow furrows. ‘Why on earth would you do that? It's not the morning to play games, Zac, you've completely stressed her out.'

‘I'll explain later.'

‘You'd better. Look, she's over there – go and give it to her, and get mine back, will you.'

Zac hesitates, but when his mother says, ‘Zac, the race is about to start! Go!' he heads off fast. As he jogs he unlocks the phone and presses buttons so that Georgia won't instantly see how many calls from Sophia she has missed. No point in riling her any further right now.

She is standing with Danny Atherton, neither of them speaking. Georgia is scanning the crowd, while Danny's focus is on his phone.

‘Georgia, here.' He holds out the phone. ‘I'm really sorry.'

She snatches it off him, glances at the screen. He's grateful he thought to tamper with it. ‘What the hell did you think you were doing? Why did you take it?'

‘
Racers to your places
,' comes a voice over the loudspeaker.

He shrugs, not yet sure how he's going to explain, hoping to buy himself some time. ‘Mine wasn't working properly,' he mutters. ‘Can Mum have hers back?'

Georgia puts her mobile in the zip pocket of her running jacket and hands over their mother's.

‘Good luck, Georgia,' Zac says, but she won't even meet his eye. It's his own fault – if he hadn't started all this by messing around with that photograph, they wouldn't be in this situation. Whatever she has or hasn't done – whatever that photo means – he's ashamed at interfering. He prays that the photo's brief sojourn onto Facebook doesn't last.

Danny suddenly snorts out loud and grabs Georgia's arm, pulling her across to show her his screen. ‘Have you seen this?' he asks. ‘Dynamite! How the hell has someone got hold of a photo of Freeman in bed? Whoever put that online is going to be in big trouble.'