All's Well That Ends Well (8 page)

COUNTESS
    Come on, sir, I shall now
put you to the height
¹
of

your
breeding.
²

LAVATCH
    I will show myself
highly fed
and
lowly
³
taught. I

know my business is but to the court.

COUNTESS
    To the court! Why, what place
make you
⁵
special,

when you
put off
⁶
that with such contempt? But to the court!

LAVATCH
    Truly, madam, if God have lent a man any

manners, he may easily
put
⁸
it off at court: he that cannot

make a leg
, put off's cap, kiss his hand and say nothing, has

neither leg, hands, lip, nor cap; and indeed such a fellow, to

say precisely, were not for the court. But for me, I have an

answer
¹²
will serve all men.

COUNTESS
    Marry, that's a bountiful answer that fits all

questions.

LAVATCH
    It is like a barber's chair that fits all buttocks: the

pin
-buttock, the
quatch
-buttock, the
brawn
¹⁶
-buttock, or any

buttock.

COUNTESS
    Will your answer serve
fit
¹⁸
to all questions?

LAVATCH
    As fit as ten
groats
¹⁹
is for the hand of an attorney, as

your
French crown
for your
taffety punk
, as
Tib
's
rush
²⁰
for

Tom
's
forefinger
, as a
pancake
for Shrove Tuesday, a
morris
²¹

for May Day, as the
nail
to
his
hole
, the
cuckold
to his
horn
²²
,

as a scolding
quean
to a
wrangling knave
²³
, as the nun's lip to

the friar's mouth, nay, as the
pudding
to
his
²⁴
skin.

COUNTESS
    Have you, I say, an answer of such fitness for all

questions?

LAVATCH
    From below your duke to beneath your constable, it

will fit any question.

COUNTESS
    It must be an answer of most monstrous size that

must fit all demands.

LAVATCH
    But a trifle
neither
³¹
, in good faith, if the learned

should speak truth of it. Here it is, and all that belongs to't.

Ask me if I am a courtier, it shall do you no harm to learn.

COUNTESS
    To be young again, if we could. I will be a
fool in
³⁴

question, hoping to be the wiser by your answer. I pray you,

sir, are you a courtier?

LAVATCH
    O lord, sir! There's a simple
putting off.
³⁷
More, more,

a hundred of them.

COUNTESS
    Sir, I am a poor friend of yours that loves you.

LAVATCH
    
O lord, sir!
Thick
⁴⁰
, thick, spare not me.

COUNTESS
    I think, sir, you can eat none of this
homely meat.
⁴¹

LAVATCH
    O lord, sir! Nay, put me to't, I warrant you.

COUNTESS
    You were lately whipped, sir, as I think.

LAVATCH
    O lord, sir! Spare not me.

COUNTESS
    Do you cry, ‘O lord, sir!' at your whipping, and

‘Spare not me'? Indeed your ‘O lord, sir!'
is very sequent
⁴⁶
to

your whipping: you would
answer
⁴⁷
very well to a whipping, if

you were but
bound to't.
⁴⁸

LAVATCH
    I ne'er had worse luck in my life in my ‘O lord, sir!' I

see things may serve long, but not serve ever.

COUNTESS
    I play the
noble
⁵¹
housewife with the time

To entertain it so merrily with a fool.

LAVATCH
    O lord, sir! Why, there't serves well again.

COUNTESS
    An end, sir. To your business. Give Helen this,

And urge her to a
present
answer back.
Commend
⁵⁵

me to my kinsmen and my son. This is not much.

LAVATCH
    Not much commendation to them.

COUNTESS
    Not much employment for you. You understand me?

LAVATCH
    Most
fruitfully.
I am there
before my legs.
⁵⁹

COUNTESS
    Haste you
again.
⁶⁰

LAFEW
    They say miracles are past, and we have our

philosophical persons
to make
modern
and familiar,
things
²

supernatural and
causeless.
³
Hence is it that we make trifles

of terrors,
ensconcing ourselves into
⁴
seeming knowledge

when we should submit ourselves to an
unknown fear.
⁵

PAROLLES
    Why, 'tis the
rarest
argument
⁵
of wonder that hath

shot out
in our
latter
⁷
times.

BERTRAM
    And so 'tis.

LAFEW
    To be
relinquished of
the
artists
⁹
—

PAROLLES
    So I say, both of
Galen
and
Paracelsus.
¹⁰

LAFEW
    Of all the learnèd and
authentic fellows
¹¹
—

PAROLLES
    Right, so I say.

LAFEW
    That
gave him out
¹³
incurable—

PAROLLES
    Why, there 'tis. So say I too.

LAFEW
    Not to be helped —

PAROLLES
    Right. As 'twere a man assured of a—

LAFEW
    Uncertain life and sure death.

PAROLLES
    
Just
¹⁸
, you say well. So would I have said.

LAFEW
    I may truly say, it is a novelty to the world.

PAROLLES
    It is, indeed: if you will have it in
showing
²⁰
, you shall

read it in— what-do-ye-call there?

LAFEW
    ‘A showing of a heavenly effect in an

earthly actor.'

PAROLLES
    That's it. I would have said the very same.

LAFEW
    Why, your
dolphin
is not lustier.
'Fore me
²⁵
, I speak in

respect—

PAROLLES
    Nay, 'tis strange, 'tis very strange. That is the
brief
²⁷

and the tedious of it, and he's of a most
facinerious
²⁸
spirit

that will not acknowledge it to be the—

LAFEW
    Very hand of heaven.

PAROLLES
    Ay, so I say.

LAFEW
    In a most weak—

PAROLLES
    And
debile minister
³³
, great power, great transcendence,

which should indeed give us a further use to be made

than alone the recovery of the king, as to be—

LAFEW
    
Generally
³⁶
thankful.

PAROLLES
    I would have said it; you say well. Here comes the

king.

LAFEW
    
Lustigue
, as the
Dutchman
³⁹
says. I'll like a maid the

better whilst I have a
tooth
⁴⁰
in my head. Why, he's able to lead

her a
coranto.
⁴¹

PAROLLES
    
Mor du vinager!
⁴²
Is not this Helen?

LAFEW
    'Fore God, I think so.

KING
    Go, call before me all the lords in court.

Sit, my preserver, by thy patient's side,

And with this healthful hand, whose
banished sense
⁴⁶

Thou hast
repealed
⁴⁷
, a second time receive

The confirmation of my promised gift,

Which but
attends
⁴⁹
thy naming.

Fair maid, send forth thine eye: this youthful
parcel
⁵⁰

Of noble bachelors stand at
my bestowing
⁵¹
,

O'er whom both sovereign power and father's voice

I have to use. Thy
frank election
⁵³
make.

Thou hast power to choose, and they none to
forsake.
⁵⁴

HELEN
    To each of you one fair and virtuous mistress

Fall, when love please! Marry, to each, but one!

LAFEW
    I'd give
bay curtal and his furniture
⁵⁷

My mouth no more were broken than these boys'
⁵⁸
,

And
writ
⁵⁹
as little beard.

KING
    Peruse them well:

Not one of those but had a noble father.

HELEN
    Gentlemen, heaven hath through me restored the

king to health.

ALL
    We understand it, and thank heaven for you.

HELEN
    I am a simple maid, and therein wealthiest

That I
protest
⁶⁶
I simply am a maid.

Please it your majesty, I have done already.

The blushes in my cheeks thus
whisper
⁶⁸
me,

‘We blush that thou shouldst choose. But be refused,

Let the
white death
⁷⁰
sit on thy cheek for ever,

We'll ne'er come there again.'

KING
    Make choice and see,

Who
shuns thy love shuns all
his love in me.
⁷³

HELEN
    Now,
Dian
⁷⁴
, from thy altar do I fly,

And to imperial
Love
⁷⁵
, that god most high,

Do my sighs stream.— Sir, will you hear my suit?

FIRST LORD
    And grant it.

HELEN
    Thanks, sir.
All
⁷⁸
the rest is mute.

LAFEW
    I had rather be in this choice than throw

ames-ace
for my life.
⁸⁰

HELEN
    The
honour
⁸¹
, sir, that flames in your fair eyes

Before I speak, too threat'ningly replies.

Love
⁸³
make your fortunes twenty times above

Her that so wishes
⁸⁴
, and her humble love.

SECOND LORD
    
No better
⁸⁵
, if you please.

HELEN
    My wish receive,

Which great love grant! And so I take my leave.