Almost a Family (12 page)

Kim was trying desperately to give her daughter a sense of family, all on her own. Kim was the one who had always realized what family meant even in the absence of it, had always been the nurturing one even though Molly had been oldest. Molly looked up and saw the biggest, most elaborate item and pointed. “That one. The one with all the bells and whistles.”

Jason stared at it, his eyes flicking to the price tag. “It’s a bit expensive, don’t you think?”

“I’ll cover it. Kim can accept this bit of help, just this once.”

Jason picked up the tag. “It’s too big. We’ll have to give them this at the register and have it brought out.”

Molly smiled then. The glee in the fact that the present was so big made her feel silly and childish, and she liked it. She had money and couldn’t think of a better way to use it than putting a smile on her niece’s face.

“We need accessories.”

They went down another aisle, Molly fighting the feeling that she and Jason were shopping for their own child. If they’d stayed together, they very well could have had a child Sara’s age. She shook off the feeling. Sara wasn’t their child, and she and Jason weren’t a couple. They were simply shopping for her niece’s birthday.

She picked out a porcelain tea set in white with pink roses sprayed on the cups. She added a child’s size cobbler’s apron and a plastic carry bag of play food, so Sara’s playtime with her new kitchen would be complete.

At the cash register she never batted an eyelash at the total, just took out her credit card, signed the slip and headed for the truck with Jason carrying the bags. They were followed out by an attendant who helped load the huge box in the back.

“Now we need a cake.”

Jason laughed. “Of course.”

Molly checked her watch. “Is anything even still open?”

“Yeah. The grocery’s open twenty-four hours.”

Walking into the brightly lit store, it felt somewhat like a ghost town. Only a handful of shoppers wandered the quiet aisles. At the bakery counter, they ordered a cake to pick up the following day and made their way to the frozen section to pick up party food.

She was putting animal shaped chicken nuggets in the cart when Jason’s voice came quietly behind her.

“Do you feel it, too?”

His words washed over her, soft and wistful, and she knew exactly what he meant. Did it feel strange to be shopping for a cake and presents for a blonde bombshell with curly hair and dark intelligent eyes so much like his?

“A little.” She kept her back to him. Looking at him now wouldn’t be wise. She’d forget everything she desperately needed to remember. Like how she couldn’t afford for fantasy to take over common sense.

“It could have been us.”

Tears pricked her eyes as he put words to her earlier thoughts. So easily, if she’d followed in line with his plan. They could be celebrating their own little girl’s birthday, shopping together. But that had been the problem. He’d planned everything down to the last detail, and she hadn’t been ready for that. Now the chance had passed them by, and she did feel the pain of the death of that dream warring with the frightening prospect of hope that all hadn’t been lost.

“Do you ever wonder?” he continued, close behind her. She could feel his body even though he never touched her.

In the end, fear won.

She took a fortifying breath and lied. “No. I’m not the kind of person who dwells on what might have been.”

She felt his withdrawal in response to her icy words. The air cooled behind her and relief mixed with regret. He was making it harder and harder to leave, and she couldn’t forget that if she let him, he’d try to order her life all over again. He still didn’t see that what he’d done was wrong. He was still sure he was right and that she’d been wrong to run. They were both forgetting that and letting the nostalgia of the good things between them distract them from the big problem. A problem that wouldn’t disappear no matter where she lived. The one thing they hadn’t discussed since being home.

It was one thing to remember the past. It was another to forget exactly why she’d left in the first place.

“We’d better get going.” She turned the cart toward the checkout, heard his footsteps behind her but didn’t dare meet his eyes.

She didn’t want him to know how much the lie had cost her.

Chapter Eight

Jason took Sara to the clinic with him the next afternoon, giving Molly time to prepare for the party. Molly went to work hanging streamers and a huge pink and white sign that had “Happy Birthday” emblazoned on it. The party was set for the kitchen. It would certainly be easier to clean up chocolate fudge cake with bright pink icing from the kitchen floor than the thick living room carpet.

The dishes were placed on top of a white-and-pink paper tablecloth. Various princesses danced across it and the pattern was repeated on the paper plates, cups and napkins. Balloons had been delivered and were arranged around the room. Molly moved the cake in its plastic domed carton, hiding it behind the set of canisters and away from Sara’s keen eyes. She was nervous, of all things. Nervous at what Jason would think of what she’d done. Hoping it was good enough.

She couldn’t blame him for thinking her cold and uncaring. From the moment she’d refused his ring, she hadn’t given him a reason to believe her anything different. He didn’t know all the fears, the uncertainty. He knew how lonely she’d been. All her life she’d longed for love. But he didn’t know that when it finally had happened, she’d let it swallow her up until she’d almost lost herself. She’d loved him so much that she’d almost let herself be assimilated into his ultimate life-plan. Leaving him had been a rebellious act of desperation to try to stay in one piece. She’d distanced herself from even her sister, the only one who might understand, in order to protect her heart.

Now that she was home, seeing a glimpse of their past, the poignancy of the present and the seriousness of Kim’s condition… She knew she’d been utterly wrong. Perhaps not in breaking things off—Jason
had
been terribly heavy-handed—but she’d been wrong to run away and not deal with him. Wrong to stay far away from Kim and Sara. She was trying hard to make up for it. Today felt like a test, and knowing it was the time to find out if she’d pass or fail made her tummy twine up in tangly knots.

Molly turned her head toward the ceiling as she heard Kim running the bathtub. Why was it so hard to resist the memories? Why couldn’t Jason have gotten fat and bald over the years, instead of becoming even more mouth-wateringly handsome? She put her head in her hands. It was time to face the truth, if only to herself. She’d never stopped loving him. It sounded easy, but was so very hard. She loved him for all the things that hadn’t changed, yet the reasons she left in the first place were still there. He would still expect her to be the one to do all the giving up. It wasn’t that she wasn’t willing to sacrifice. She always had been willing to compromise. It was knowing he would
expect
her to while he kept his life the same, knowing he’d have everything pigeon-holed in a cookie-cutter existence that still had her balking.

For even if she were tempted to leave her life behind and start anew, she knew that if she did, she’d resent him for it sooner or later.

When the phone rang she jumped, then swiveled to grab the cordless unit. Minutes later when she hung up, her hands shook and her stomach quivered.

Her decision had just gotten that much harder.

*

Jason returned with Sara at five o’clock sharp. In his right hand, he held a bag containing a change of clothes, and in the other was a large box wrapped in birthday paper. Sara rang the doorbell and giggled at her mother, who opened the door wearing a pink party hat.

“You take this.” He handed Kim the present. “I’m going to get changed first.”

“Sure, go ahead. We’re just getting supper on.”

He changed from his scrubs to jeans and a sweater and ran a hand through his hair.

He didn’t have much time left, he knew it. Molly’s trip was nearly over and she’d be going back to Calgary unless he took some drastic action. But he wasn’t sure what that action should be. He’d tried to talk to her last night about the feelings that had run between them. He’d known she was thinking about what might have been. He’d sensed it, because he’d been feeling it, too. Maybe if they could start talking about how good things had been… But after he’d mentioned it, she’d shut him out completely. Shaking his head, he stuffed his dirty scrubs into the bag. Perhaps he
should
let her go. Maybe it would be easier for everyone that way. It was certainly long past time.

When he entered the kitchen, Sara was wearing her princess tiara and looking very regal in her favourite pink fairy dress, the layers of tulle puffing about her. Molly was taking a cookie sheet out of the oven and Kim overturned the deep fryer basket, dumping chicken nuggets on to a plate lined with paper towel.

“Hey, girls,” he said from the doorway, and Molly spun, her hands still encased in blue oven mitts and holding the pan.

“Feel better?” Kim spoke into the breach of silence that fell. Molly turned to get a spatula for the potato smiley faces, but not before Jason saw the fleeting expression of consternation on her face. She was isolating herself. And somehow he sensed it had nothing to do with last night.

“Need some help?” he offered lightly, taking the plate from Kim. Molly still avoided his glance as she filled a bowl with the potato shapes.

“We’re good,” Kim answered cryptically, but he could see by her overly bright smile that she knew exactly what was going on and dread curled around, dark and unknown, in his stomach. Something was wrong.

Sara’s chatter at the table made up for the lack of conversation, but Jason watched Molly closely. Her mouth was thin and unhappy, her eyes weary. Once she met Kim’s eyes and he knew that whatever it was, Molly had confided in her sister. He was clearly out of the loop.

“So what’s first, muffin?” He forced his tone to be light and happy for Sara’s sake. “Presents or cake?”

Sara pushed away her plate, leaving half a nugget stuck in the circle of ketchup. “Presents! Presents!”

He laughed. “You got it.” Disappearing around the corner, he brought out his present to her. She tore at the pink paper, giving an excited squeal as he helped her open the box.

Inside was a puppet show. Taking off the plastic wrap, he showed her how to fold back the sides so it would stand alone, tie back the curtains with Velcro and open the bag of finger puppets inside. Eyes wide, she put on a lion and zebra while he donned a monkey and they acted out, wiggling their fingers and talking in sometimes high, sometimes growly, animal-ish voices.

“Do you like it?”

“I love it! Thanks, Uncle Jason.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s see what your mama got you.”

Kim stayed in her seat, her face drawn and pale from the unaccustomed excitement while Jason put away the puppet show and motioned for Molly to help him with the toy kitchen. Together they went to the basement and carried up the assembled toy, the silence between them awkward as Molly avoided his gaze again.

“Shut your eyes,” he called from the hall, and they brought it into the kitchen, a huge pink bow on the top of the cupboard.

“Okay, you can open them now.”

Sara’s eyes were as wide as silver dollars as she stared at the miniature kitchen with her mouth open. It was taller than she was and twice as wide. Sliding off her chair, she reached out a disbelieving hand, touching the sink and the play toaster. “Ohhhh, Mommy,” she whispered, and Jason looked over at Kim.

Tears had gathered in her Kim’s eyes and she held her fingers over her mouth. Tearing her gaze from her daughter she looked up at Jason and Molly. “Thank you,” she whispered as Sara moved from spot to spot, trying it out. “I know what I gave you didn’t cover it.”

“We wanted to,” Molly answered with a warm smile.

“Mommy, it’s just what I wanted!” The initial shock had worn off and Sara started to bounce. “Look! A dishwasher and fridge and oven and everything!”

Jason laughed at the girl’s ebullience, but laid assessing eyes on Molly. She’d given Kim credit for the gift, even though she had helped pay for it. Her smile broadened at the approval that had come from Kim. His brow wrinkled thoughtfully, listening to Sara’s chatter in the background, thanking her aunt for picking it out. Perhaps Molly
had
changed. Because it was clear to him that she was trying to make up in the only way she knew how for not being here. But soon she’d be gone and he knew that presents didn’t make up for a lack of love. He wasn’t sure Molly understood that yet.

“Sara, I think your Aunt Molly got you something, too,” Kim’s voice intruded.

“You did?”

Molly smiled. “Yes, I did. It’s in the living room.”

Sara rushed out, sliding back over the floor with the pink box in hand. Hurriedly she ripped off the paper and opened up the accessories to her kitchen.

“Oh, thank you, Aunt Molly!” Impulsively Sara rocketed over to give Molly a genuine hug, looping her arms around her aunt’s neck and kissing her cheek. Molly’s lips were frozen in a permanent smile. “This is the best birthday
ever!
”

Everyone laughed, contented to watch as Sara donned her apron and set about making everyone tea to go with their birthday cake.

While Kim was putting candles on the cake, Jason rose and laid a hand on Molly’s shoulder as they watched Sara playing. He leaned close to her ear. “So Molly saves the day,” he murmured, and although he didn’t hear it, he sensed the frustrated sigh coming from within her.

“I certainly didn’t intend to,” she hissed back. “Just save it, okay? I’m not in the mood right now.”

He flattened his chin at her sharp reply, taken aback when he’d only been teasing. “I wasn’t meaning to be critical,” he defended. Whatever was bothering her, it had to be something big to put her this much on edge. “Are you okay?” His voice was low with concern he couldn’t help but feel even in his disappointment. He knelt before her chair and looked up at her.

Her eyes were tortured, and he only remembered one other time he’d seen her so inwardly torn up about anything. The day he’d asked her to marry him and she’d refused. His chest was heavy and weighted as tears gleamed in her eyes and she averted her head and tried to blink them away. Her expression, her anguish, reached out to him, so tangible he felt it without even knowing the cause. Yet what could be this big to tear her up inside so very much?

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Worry had the endearment slipping out without him even thinking about it.

At that moment, Kim rounded the corner with the cake, candles lit and singing “Happy Birthday”. He tore his gaze from Molly’s for a moment and when he turned back, she’d replaced her expression with one of bleak enthusiasm for Sara’s sake. The little princess perched on her chair while they all sang and she blew out her candles.

He didn’t get a chance to talk to Molly again until Kim took a very tired birthday girl upstairs to put on her pajamas. Molly was scraping dishes and loading the dishwasher, the light above the sink the only glow in the dark room. “Molly.”

Her hand paused for a moment, then put a teacup in the top rack.

He stopped her with a hand on her arm. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now?”

She sighed, a heavy exhalation of exhaustion and annoyance. “I don’t want to do this now, okay? Let it go.”

He turned her away from the dishwasher and looked her square in the eye. “If I did something to tick you off, I want to know.”

Her smile was grim. “You didn’t do anything. You’ve been great. Even when you were judging me earlier.”

He didn’t know how to answer, so he kept his lips closed.

“You’re not denying it. Well, at least I read that right. Don’t worry, Jason. This has nothing to do with you, not directly.”

“Then why the tears? Why are you unhappy?”
Please, come to me,
he thought. It had been hard enough to accept the fact that he still had feelings for her. She had to be the one to turn to him first.

Giggles erupted from upstairs and they both looked at the ceiling. When their gazes met again, Molly set her lips, erecting an icy barrier between them.

“Say goodnight to Sara, Jason. I need to talk to you, but not here, not now. Once the mess is cleaned up, I’ll come over. I promise.”

“You sound like you’re going to your own execution.”

She tried a laugh but fell flat. “Maybe. Just go home.”

Her tone was so weary, so defeated, he agreed. “I’ll wait up for you.”

She nodded, and before he could give in and kiss her like he wanted to, he headed for the stairs to say his goodbyes.

*

Jason entered his house, disturbed by how quiet it was after the chaos of next door. This was the time of day he hated the most…coming home to an empty, quiet house. Growing up he’d loved having his family together, laughing, talking, arguing. When his little brother had died, Jason had been eight years old, and suddenly the house had been quiet and solemn all the time. But then Uncle Jim and Aunt Susan and their kids had come to live with them for a while, and the house had seemed to fill with laughter and confusion again. By the time they’d left, his parents had been better able to cope with having only one child, and he’d been close with them always. He missed them still, but understood why they’d chosen to retire somewhere else. They visited when they could, but Jason knew the real way to get them to visit more often was to give them a reason—such as a daughter-in-law and a couple of grandkids.