Almost Like Being in Love (14 page)

Will probably remember my name the next morning

INTERMEDIATE LEVEL

Can say “I love you” without my saying it first

Likes me enough to tell me I’m special

Trusts me enough to tell me I’m wrong

VAlways lets me pick the first fortune cookie

Teases me when I need it but knows when to stop Pursues making me laugh as a hobby

Pretends to like the same things I do even when he doesn’t Misses me when we’re apart

Isn’t afraid to fight with me

Allows me to drive him crazy

Would rather do nothing with me than something by himself Can fall asleep in my lap while I work—and still call it a date

TOP-OF-THE-LINE LEVEL

Can say “I love you” with his eyes

Never lies (except to spare my feelings)

Doesn’t worry about losing me because he knows he can’t Forgets there was a time when we didn’t know each other

Kisses me for no good reason

Celebrates my faults

Sighs when I hold him

Knows all the lyrics to
Flora, The Red Menace
(optional)
Strong Points
: Looks like a puppy when he pouts.

Shortcomings
: Pouts too much.

Comments
: We’re getting there.

Vidiots

Santa Monica’s Favorite Video Store

CUSTOMER
: Travis Puckett

ACCOUNT NO
.: 7643757

DATE OUT
: May 6, 1998
DATE DUE:
May 7, 1998

TITLES

I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND 2.99

TOTAL

2.99

THANK YOU FOR RENTING FROM VIDIOTS

Tell Gordo we said Hi. And how come he doesn’t come in anymore?

Cherie.

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

T:

Suppose you liked girls. Suppose you found yourself being chased by a 19-year-old knockout who was also brainy and funny—and who wasn’t (a) psychotic, (b) chemically dependent, (c) on the lam, or (d) a studio executive. Would you stop to remember that you were twice as old as she was, or would you ignore the whole problem and elope to Tahoe?

I need an answer quick. Once our clothes come off, it’s out of my hands.

G

P.S. Leave your verdict on my desk. Mona and I won’t be out of the bedroom until at least Thursday. 'She’s the other one I might marry. How am I supposed to know for sure unless I try them both out first?) FROM THE JOURNAL OF

Travis Puckett

G:

You might as well. The last time you corked somebody half your age, we were 32. At least we won’t have to worry about the Child Welfare Department this time.

You’re hopeless. How do these people
find
you?

T