Almost Like Being in Love (15 page)

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Authors: Steve Kluger

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BEWARE
!

You have just entered

home page of

GORDON DUBOISE

screenwriter/lover/bon vivant

Click here to find out more about me

Click here for a list of my credits

Click here to find out if I’m available for work Click here to find out if I’m available for play Click here for pictures of me in my Speedos

Click here for information on my next party (romantic women only)

Click here to send me e-mail

Click here to post a message on my bulletin board (keep it sensitive——I have a poetic heart)

BULLETIN BOARD

Dear Gordo,

Thanks for the pictures. Is all of that you? If so, send more.

—Sue in Milwaukee

Dear Gordo,

I’m 23, I have big tits, I’m working on my master’s, and I could suck the filament out of a lightbulb without breaking the glass. Let me know if you’re ever going to be in Georgia and I’ll show you.

—Rae Ellen in Atlanta

Dear Pig,

You’re disgusting. If you ever got out of the 1970s, you might learn that they made this really incredible discovery: women actually have something more to offer than a dust rag and a hole. Assuming you have any brains, you might consider taking them out of your dick.

—Liz in Chicago

Dude.

I know it says Girls Only, but I’ve got a really creative mouth and I’m in L.A. too. Think about it.

—Blowbuddy

Gordon:

This is your father. I’ve been trying to reach you for three days, but the goddamned line is always busy. Universal should only know why.

If I don’t have a finished script in two weeks, you’d better see if Blowbuddy is willing to pay you, because nobody else will.

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

Pop:

Take your pick:

1. Two sportswriters, boy and girl. Hate each other on sight but fall in love anyway.

2. Bad boy meets bad girl. When they fall in love, they turn good. (Somebody dies in this one.)

3. Boy and girl meet in college, sleep together, it doesn’t work.

So they marry other people but wind up together anyway.

4. Secret agent falls in love with pretty woman who convinces him he’s fighting for the wrong side.

ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT

Literary Representatives

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK

TORONTO

LONDON

Gordon:

1.
Woman of the Year

2.
Rebel Without a Cause

3.
When Harry Met Sally

4.
Casablanca, for Christ’s sake

Gordon, how difficult could it be? People are falling in love all the time! Listen to Liz in Chicago and get your brains out of your dick.

Remember that old TV show? Seven million tales in the Naked City, and one of them could be happening right under your nose.

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

Doheny Library

Faculty Research Request

DATE: May 8, 1998 FROM: Travis Puckett

DEPARTMENT: History

BUILDING/ROOM: VKC/223

MATERIALS NEEDED

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS

Julian: The beach in Santa Barbara would be a lot less lonesome if we were holding hands on it. What do you think?

You’re not listening to me. Do you know what my idea of romance is? A
blowjob between the salad and the entree. You need a real boyfriend. I’m not
him.

P.S. And stop staring at my ass while I’m working. Don’t you have a class to
teach?

American History 206

Professor Puckett

May 8, 1998

Final Exam Review Questions

Guys: If you can pull this one off, you shouldn’t have any problems with the
real thing.

1. Alexander Hamilton was about as popular as a piranha at a skinny dip. Yet without him we wouldn’t be here. Whom does he most resemble and why? 'Note: I’ll accept a wrong answer if you can persuade me.)

(a) Branch Rickey

(b) Curt Flood

(d) Bob Gibson

2. Benedict Arnold and the 1919 White Sox had a lot in common.

They were both called traitors, yet they both did what they believed was right, given the gross inequities of the system. How would the Series have ended if the Black Sox had been managed by Arnold instead of by Kid Gleason?

3. Two of the most significantly related landmarks in U.S. history are Independence Hall and Fenway Park. Choose another pair and state your reasons:

(a) Saratoga and Shea Stadium

(b) Valley Forge and Ebbets Field

4. Pick a Revolutionary War All-Star team that includes General Dan Morgan behind the plate and spitball pitcher Benjamin Franklin on the mound. Then pit them against the 1911 New York Giants. Box scores, please.

5. I’ve been dating this guy for almost three weeks and I really like him. (I could be wrong, but I think he feels the same way.) How long should I wait before I ask him to wear my ring?

Final Exam Review Answers

Tony Norris

5. Nobody asks people to wear their ring anymore. Who have you been talking to? When I started getting serious about Maggie she knew it because I did things like fix her tires and not notice the zit on her chin and stop fucking other girls. I’m guessing it works the same way with guys.

Chuck Navarro

5. You know what your problem is? You’re too much of a tightass. Go back to Question 1 about Alexander Hamilton. “Whom does he most resemble and why?” Travis, people say “who” not

“whom” and nobody gives a shit whether it’s right or not. If you like this guy, pop him. What the hell are you waiting for?

Gary Petrie

5. Don’t take this the wrong way, but this is the first time in my life I ever used the word cornball. Trav, it’s 1998. If you really want to score points, give him some stock options instead.

Ray Sorren

5. What do we look like—Dear Fucking Abby? I’ll make a deal with you. If I tell you how to get laid, I get an A. No questions asked. And the same goes for all the other guys too, except for Hatten, who never should have been put in at the end of the fourth quarter with only nineteen seconds left on the clock.

Doug Hatten

5. You want to know how to sweep this guy off his feet? Take everything Sorren says and do exactly the opposite. He wouldn’t know a lateral pass from a Coke machine if he got hit in the head by both of them. P.S. You’re not acting dopey enough to be in love.

Trust me on this.

Corey Gambel

5. Never ever ever ever ever give them a ring when you’re horny, because you’ll only wind up trying to get it back later when it’s way too late. (I made that mistake soph year with an economics major named Sandy and she’s still stalking me.( Do you really love him? If the answer is yes, then go for it.

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

TO
: Travis Puckett

FROM
: Andrea Fox

DATE
: May 11, 1998

RE
: Good News

Travis:

Marsha Holmes of the Poli-Sci department overheard two football players in the hallway arguing about The Federalist Papers and agreed to push Dean Koutrelakos for the grant. '“My God, Andrea—jocks who think! Imagine the possibilities!”( And the only time Koutrelakos ever ignored Marsha’s advice was when he lost $2,000 betting against Michigan in the Rose Bowl. So we may have another shot at this after all.

I tried calling your office to let you know, but they said you were at the library again. Travis, don’t work yourself too hard.

Andrea

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

Doheny Library

Faculty Research Request

DATE: May 11, 1998

FROM: Travis Puckett

DEPARTMENT: History

BUILDING/ROOM: VKC/223

MATERIALS NEEDED

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS

Julian: I have something a little scary to ask you, but it can only be done over dinner with French wine.

Tomorrow?

Oh, no. This has ‚marriage‛ written all over it. Travis, read my lips:
remember that Fellini film with the prostitute who says that every new sunrise
makes her a virgin? It doesn’t work that way with me. Even the sun thinks I’m
a slut.

FROM THE JOURNAL OF

Travis Puckett

THE PUCKETT/DUBOISE DEBATES

GORDO: I just don’t get it. He’s skinny, he never smiles, and he doesn’t have a sense of humor. Who introduced you guys—Dracula?

TRAVIS: Hand me the oregano.

GORDO: Are you listening to me?

TRAVIS: No. I wanted to pop the question at Le Petit Chalet, but at those prices I’d have to take out a loan against my T-bill—

GORDO: Wear the pink shirt with the red and blue tie. You look good in that.

TRAVIS: If I can just get him to move in with me—

GORDO: Travis, never bring up living together until the tenth date. It doesn’t work.

TRAVIS: How would you know?

GORDO: Tried it once on a flight attendant. She went running out of my bedroom like a fan jet blew up.

Cardinal Rule Number 2—Nothing’s worse for your equilibrium than a best friend who tells you the truth.

Okay, so Julian isn’t perfect. I’m not either. I line up my peas. I rotate my socks. I have rules about toilet paper. Who could fall in love with that?! Besides, nobody ever said it was easy, and I’ve got the proof: I’m 37

years old and I’ve had four root canals I didn’t need. Along with twenty-six broken hearts and another dozen near-misses.

But this time I’m going to make it work. What the hell am I waiting for?

Le Petit Chalet

Les Spécialités de la Maison

Pâté Maison 65.00

Your choice of our special homemade pâtés

Feuillete de Poulet et Champignons 25.00

Succulent chicken in a special mushroom sauce with puff pastry shell

Feuillete d’Oeufs, Jambon et Fromage 22.00

Piquant marriage of egg, ham, and cheese in puff pastry shell

Salade Niçoise 25.00

Mediterranean salad of tuna, potatoes, tomatoes, olives, and anchovies