Almost Perfect (29 page)

‘Have you got a minute, Doug?'

He swung around in his chair. ‘For you Anna, I have ten.'

She stepped inside, closing the door behind her. It was her first day back and she only had two appointments this afternoon. She'd hoped coming in at lunchtime would give her a chance to talk to Doug. ‘How was your holiday?' she asked. ‘You went away, didn't you?'

‘That's right. We drove north, ended up making it all the way to Cairns. It took us over a week, but that's the way we wanted to do it, stopping along the way, taking our time . . .' Doug paused, watching Anna. ‘What is it?'

‘Nothing, go on, you were saying–'

‘And you weren't listening.'

She breathed out. ‘I apologise.'

He waved that aside. ‘Take a seat.'

Anna sat down, facing him. He watched her in silence, waiting for her to start, as was his way. This was almost as bad as telling her parents. Not because of the reaction she was expecting – Doug would be calm and measured, of course. It was not the reaction that bothered her so much as the telling. It was difficult to say it out loud. To actually say the words, ‘Mac is having an affair.' Or should it be, ‘Mac was having an affair' . . . ‘Mac has been having an affair' . . .

‘Anna?'

‘Sorry,' she stirred. ‘I need to let you know that I'm having a few problems at home at the moment.'

‘Are you starting a new treatment cycle?'

‘Pardon?' Anna realised she had not thought about any of that for weeks. ‘No, no, it's . . .' She drifted off again for a moment. Doug sat patiently. ‘Mac has been having an affair.'

Anna could plainly see the compassion in Doug's eyes. It was at once comforting and uncomfortable. She wondered if there was going to be any way for her to maintain dignity throughout all of this.

‘When did you find out?' he asked.

‘Just after Christmas.' She paused. Doug was leaning forward, waiting for her to go on. ‘Evidently it's been going on for a couple of months at least,' she added. She was not sure what else to say.

‘So is it serious, or is he prepared to end it? Does he want to stay in the marriage?'

‘All of the above,' Anna replied glibly.

Doug sat back in his chair.

‘It's serious. He wouldn't have ended it, but she did, so now he wants to stay in the marriage.'

He considered her thoughtfully. ‘How do you feel, Anna? What do you want?'

She felt her chest tighten. She didn't want to feel. It was too painful. Her parents' distress had already been enough to bear. They'd wanted her to stay longer but she'd pleaded work to get away, even though in reality she didn't have to go back for another week.

But now she had to put up with Mac. She wished she hadn't relented and agreed to let him stay. He was like a ghost, haunting the house when he wasn't at the office. He was miserable, he'd lost weight, his eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, or whatever. The last thing Anna needed right now was to watch her husband grieve for his mistress. She would have to tell him to go. There was no other way.

Doug rephrased when she hadn't answered him. ‘Do you want your marriage to survive this, Anna?'

She shrugged. ‘I don't think it's up to me.'

‘Why do you say that?'

‘He's in love with this woman.'

‘But you said it was finished.'

‘It is. That doesn't stop him from being in love with her.'

‘You also said he wants to stay in the marriage?'

Anna nodded. ‘Once again, doesn't stop him from being in love with her.'

Doug took a moment to digest what she had told him so far. ‘Where's Mac now, where is he living?'

‘At home.'

‘With you?'

‘Well, he moved into the spare room.'

‘You're okay with that arrangement?'

‘Not really.'

‘So what made you agree to it? He gave you a choice, I trust?'

‘Of course he did,' Anna sighed. ‘He asked if he could stay, he said we shouldn't be so hasty to give up after fourteen years.'

‘What do you think?'

‘I agreed, that's why I let him stay.'

‘But it's not working out?'

She shook her head. ‘He doesn't want to be with me. He wants to be with her.'

‘It's not unusual to have feelings of–'

‘Hold on, Doug. This isn't jealousy, or bruised ego or anything else, though I'm not pretending I'm immune,' said Anna. ‘I'm stating the facts. Mac wants
to be with her. Whether she wants him any more or not doesn't change the fact that's where he'd rather be. He's staying because he thinks it's the right thing to do, not because he wants to.'

‘He wouldn't be the first man, or woman, to do that,' Doug remarked. ‘You still haven't answered my question, Anna. You're quite clear about what Mac wants, what he feels, what you believe his motivation is. But what about you?' He paused. ‘What do you want?'

Anna sat for a while, thinking. ‘I don't know,' she said slowly, staring off at nothing across the room. ‘I want that none of this ever happened. That I could somehow turn back the clock. But I wouldn't know how far to go. A few months? A few years? Longer? Before I even started treatment? If we hadn't taken that road, would we be all right now? I can't help thinking he would have wanted a child eventually, that it all would have come undone in time.'

‘Those are questions that can never be answered, you know that, Anna,' said Doug gently. ‘All that matters now is what happens next. It's not all up to Mac. You have the facts and you have choices. Do you want to continue in the marriage in the full knowledge Mac is in love with someone else but claims he is prepared to put it behind him? It would be hard, but it's not impossible. There are marriages that have survived worse.'

‘I don't know, Doug. I don't know if I can do that.' She paused. ‘But I'm not sure I'm ready to end it either.'

He thought for a moment. ‘Why don't you try
breaking the problem down? Are you content with the current situation? Do you want Mac in the house?'

‘I'm finding it a strain,' Anna admitted. ‘He's obviously grieving, and that's pretty hard to take.'

‘Well, be kind to yourself. Asking him to leave doesn't have to mean ending the marriage. It may just give you both some space and perspective to work things out.'

Anna nodded vaguely.

‘Do you need to take some time off?'

‘Oh no, please don't ask me to do that.'

‘I wasn't asking you to do that, I was asking if you need to do that.'

‘It's the last thing I need,' said Anna. ‘I have to work . . . I have nothing else.'

Doug paused, considering her. ‘You do need to remain mindful of your responsibilities as a therapist, Anna, and not let your own issues cloud your judgement. But I trust your professionalism. In the meantime, you know my door is always open.'

‘I do. Thanks Doug.'

Georgie froze. She was holding the ‘Closed' sign, half flipped over. The shop was neither closed nor open for that moment, as though time had frozen as well.

Liam was standing on the other side of the door, gazing directly into her eyes. If not for the glass between them, Georgie could have reached out and touched his face. And she probably would have, involuntarily, before she knew what she was doing. He looked so sad, so lost.

This was precisely why she'd refused to see him. She'd managed to be firm and assertive over the phone, but then she'd turn into a whimpering heap of jelly as soon as she hung up. So she'd stopped taking his calls, again. That was when he'd started to show up at the shop. She'd successfully avoided him so far by escaping to the storeroom or the loo. But a couple of times she'd only made it to the office and had had to hide behind Louise's desk, and once she'd dived into the reading cave and buried herself under the cushions. That was hitting rock bottom in more ways than one, and Louise had had every right to scold her afterwards.

‘What on God's green earth is wrong with you?' she'd demanded. ‘Why are you so frightened of him? He can't do anything to you, it's a public place.'

‘I know that. I'm not frightened of him, he wouldn't do anything.'

‘Then what is it?'

She wasn't going to tell Louise that she didn't trust herself around Liam. That it was bad enough she replayed his phone messages over and over just to hear his voice, let alone seeing him in the flesh. Everyone said she needed closure, she needed to see him, it would help her get over him. Georgie was not so sure.

‘Georgie, Liam's been turning up every day since he realised you were back at work. Two weeks now. You can't hide from him forever. Just go and tell him to piss off. He needs to hear it from you, God knows Adam's said it to him often enough.'

But she couldn't face him. Of course she felt stupid. And weak. Stupid and weak and full of self-loathing. She had lost faith in her ability to judge human nature, if she'd ever possessed such an ability in the first place. Georgie was ridiculously gullible, she had been all her life, and it had finally brought her undone.

And now the cause of her undoing was standing right in front of her, the sad eyes still locked on hers. Slowly Georgie turned the sign the rest of the way and let it swing free, bobbing gently against the glass. His gaze flickered down to the sign, announcing the shop was closed. Liam raised one hand and laid his palm against the door frame. His eyes were pleading now. She couldn't refuse him. And it was too late to hide.

Georgie turned the lock and pulled the door back. Liam stepped inside tentatively. She closed the door again, focussing on locking the dead-bolt, and on breathing, in and out. As she turned around to face him she felt as though she was no longer in her body. She was outside it, observing, from a distance.

‘Thank you,' he said, his voice thick.

‘What for?'

‘For agreeing to see me.'

Georgie headed over to the counter. ‘I didn't agree, you just turned up.'

‘It's not the first time.'

‘I know that.'

‘And I know you usually hide when I come,' he said plainly.

She walked around inside the protective arc of the counter, the solid mass of the bench like a moat between them. He couldn't get any closer, which was exactly how Georgie wanted it. She was still watching herself from a distance as she spread her hands apart, laying them flat against the countertop. She looked confident, in control, from the outside at least.

‘Do you want a cup of coffee?'

He shook his head. ‘I didn't come here for coffee.'

‘Why did you come here, Liam?'

‘To talk to you, to try to explain–'

‘At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Liam, I've told you repeatedly that there is nothing to explain.'

‘Of course there is!' he insisted, raising his voice. He was breathing hard and his eyes were glassy. ‘There's so much to explain, Georgie. You don't know . . . things. You don't know about my life.'

‘I know that you're married,' she returned coolly. ‘I don't really need to know anything else.'

‘Yes, you do . . . I am married, but it's falling apart–'

‘Why am I not surprised?'

‘It's been falling apart for a long time!' He was almost shouting. ‘We were incredibly unhappy, we both were.' He took a moment to catch his breath. ‘And then I met you.' His voice softened. ‘You made it so easy, you said you had no expectation–'

‘Come on, Liam, I didn't know you were married.'

‘I know that, I was kidding myself. I wanted to believe it was okay . . . because I couldn't stay away from you.'

Georgie swallowed, staring up at him.

‘The only time I was happy was when I was with you. Was I supposed to give that up?'

‘Yes, you were.'

He sat back heavily on a stool. ‘Well I couldn't,' he said quietly. ‘I guess I'm weak, or selfish, I don't know. But I couldn't give you up. I didn't mean to hurt anybody, but I couldn't stop seeing you. And even if I had, I would have hurt you anyway. It was a fucking mess. I didn't know what to do. It's not like I'd had any experience at it. But I was going to try to make it right.'

‘You couldn't make it right–'

‘Georgie, would you please listen to what I'm saying?' he persisted. ‘I'm not perfect, I know that. I fucked up, people fuck up all the time. It's what makes us human.'

She was unmoved.

‘Haven't you ever made a mistake, Georgie?'

‘Yeah, I'm looking at him,' she said wryly.

She saw the flinch before he dropped his gaze, rubbing his forehead as he stared down at the counter. This wasn't her, she didn't say things like that to people, least of all people she . . .

‘Sorry,' she said quietly.

He looked up at her then. ‘Georgie, I know what I did was wrong. I was married, I went about it the wrong way. But what you and I had, there was
nothing wrong with that. You're the best thing in my life. Even if you send me away, I won't stop loving you, nothing can change that.'

‘Don't talk like that,' she muttered, turning and walking away. But he skirted around the outside of the counter and blocked her path, taking hold of her shoulders. She tried to shrug him off. ‘Let go of me, Liam.'

‘Not until you tell me something.'

She looked up at him. She didn't want to be standing here, this close to him. She could see the blue-grey of his eyes, see the way his hair had fallen across his forehead. She wanted to stroke it away, like she used to. She wanted to touch his face. She wanted him to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything was going to be all right. There was no wife, it had been a bad dream, a misunderstanding, something . . .

‘Georgie, do you love me?'

She snapped out of it. ‘I'm not going to answer that,' she said, pushing him out of the way.

‘Why not?'

She ignored him, striding determinedly towards the office. Liam followed, grabbing her arm and turning her around again. ‘Please, Georgie.'

‘It doesn't make any difference.'

‘How can you say that?'

‘You have a wife!'

‘Who can't stand the sight of me!' he retorted. ‘I tried, Georgie, I did what you said. She wanted me out but I told her we had to work at it. But it didn't magically wipe away all our problems. I'm sleeping
in the spare room and we barely even speak to each other.'

He was staring directly into her eyes, unblinking. Georgie couldn't hold his gaze. ‘What are these “problems” you keep harping about?' she muttered.

He hesitated. ‘It's complicated–'

‘I'll bet.'

‘Look, if you'll sit down and listen to me, I'll explain everything.'

‘I don't want to know,' she said archly, continuing towards the office.

‘But you just asked,' he insisted, standing in her way again. ‘Come on, Georgie, if we have any chance at all you're going to have to hear me out.'

‘There is no “we”!' She elbowed him out of the way and walked into the office, but he was right behind her.

‘Do you love me, Georgie?'

‘Leave me alone.'

‘When you give me a straight answer.'

She spun around. ‘Fine. Then no, I don't love you.'

‘You're not telling the truth,' he said, backing her up against the stationery cabinet.

‘Like you would know? You're not exactly an expert on the truth.'

Liam leaned his hands against the cabinet, either side of her, closing her in. ‘I know you love me, Georgie.'

She was breathing hard. ‘This is stupid, Liam, let me go.'

‘I can't let you go,' he said tenderly, leaning in close to her. ‘That's the whole problem.'

She was trembling as he brought his lips down onto hers. She tried to resist, she closed her fist and made a pathetic attempt at punching him on the shoulder. But his mouth was overpowering her, and she missed him so much . . .

He stopped abruptly. Georgie opened her eyes and he was staring down at her, catching her unawares. She tried to compose herself.

‘Please say it, Georgie.' He cupped her face with both hands. ‘Tell me you love me.'

Georgie gazed up at him, losing herself. ‘I hate you,' she breathed, ‘. . . with all my heart.'

‘I love you too.' His mouth covered hers again and Georgie gave in, she couldn't resist him any more, it was beyond her. She kissed him ravenously, mindlessly. She didn't want to think about what she was doing, she just wanted him. She'd never stopped wanting him. There was no wife, there wasn't anyone or anything outside this room, this moment, he was all hers. Georgie arched herself against him, bringing one leg up around his thigh. She wanted him badly, she wanted him now, inside her, nothing less would do. She tugged at his belt buckle, trembling as he gasped her name. She felt his hands skim down her body till they reached her skirt, drawing it up out of the way. He was breathing hard as his fingers curled around her thighs, lifting her up and pressing himself hard up against her. Georgie couldn't breathe, she clung to him as he slid her hips higher, propping her up against the metal cabinet. It clanked loudly behind them as she instinctively wrapped her legs around him. She was throbbing
inside, aching for him. She moaned his name like it was a plea and he plunged deep inside her. He began to grind slowly in and out of her, gradually thrusting harder and faster, till the cabinet was rattling so violently she thought it would come down on top of them. But she didn't care, they couldn't stop, she never wanted him to stop. And then she was gone, overwhelmed, crying out. He buried his face in her neck, breathing hard as he leaned into her, supporting them both up against the cupboard. Her legs would never have held her up, her whole body was limp, like jelly. Only her heart muscle seemed to be working, pounding so fast against her ribs, her breath couldn't keep up.

Liam was covering her face with gentle kisses, stroking her hair, murmuring softly, ‘I love you so much, Georgie, honey . . . Everything's going to be all right, I promise . . .'

‘Hello! Anyone there?'

She jumped. ‘Shit!'

‘Who is it?' Liam whispered.

‘Adam.' Georgie's heart was racing as she hastily readjusted her clothing. She tousled her hair with her fingers. ‘Stay here, okay?' she hissed, going to the door. ‘Don't come out unless I say.'

He nodded and Georgie slipped through the door, closing it behind her. Adam appeared from the back of the shop. ‘Fuck!' he exclaimed, holding a hand to his chest when he saw her standing there.

‘It's only me, Ad.'

‘I can see that now. I didn't think there was anyone here, I just checked out in the storeroom.'

‘I was in the office. What are you doing here? I thought you were going out tonight?'

‘I was on my way back down to Manly when I saw the place lit up like a Christmas tree.'

Bugger, she'd forgotten to turn off the main lights when Liam arrived.

‘But you knew I was closing,' she reminded him.

‘No offence, Georgie, but you haven't exactly been with it lately.' He frowned at her. ‘Are you okay?'

‘Sure.'

‘You look all flushed. Are you sure you're all right?'

‘Yes, Adam.'

He glanced around. ‘What's going on?'

‘Nothing, why do you say that?'

‘Well, what are you still doing hanging around here?'

‘I was just . . . taking care of some . . . stuff.'

‘What stuff?'

‘Just stuff,' she said defensively. ‘Anyway, everything's under control here, so you better get on your way, you'll be late.'

‘How are you getting home?'

‘I'll take the bus.'

He nodded thoughtfully, considering her. ‘Are you sure you're okay?'

‘Yes, Adam!' she declared, frustrated.

‘All right, all right. Don't get your knickers in a twist.' Georgie hoped she wasn't blushing. ‘Now, you do know where the night-lights are?' he said, walking towards the office.

She dashed ahead of him, blocking the door. ‘Of course I do!'

Adam frowned. ‘What's going on, Georgie? What's in there that you don't want me to see?'

‘Nobody,' she blurted.

‘I said what, not who!' He rested his hands on his hips, looking squarely at her. ‘Liam's in there, isn't he?'

Georgie blanched. ‘What makes you think that?'

Adam peered through the frosted glass of the door but the office was in darkness. ‘Georgie, is he bothering you?'

She grabbed Adam by the elbow and led him right away from the office. ‘Okay, yes, Liam's here,' she admitted. ‘He showed up at closing time. He just wanted to talk.'