Always and Forever (6 page)

She has no idea what it’s like to lose the battle with cancer
. Matt staggered, wished he’d had one more drink, another to block out the thoughts, to force him into oblivion. If his wife had seen what he’d gone through as a kid, maybe then she’d understand.
Maybe.
Right now he had no idea what was going through her head, and it felt like he never would.

“Where were you last night?” Lisa tucked her hair behind her ear, wishing she’d washed it. She was used to her hair feeling soft and bouncy, not lank like it was right now.

“Uh, it was a rough night,” Matt answered, eyes downcast, voice husky. “Sorry.”

She didn’t say anything. What was she going to say? That he should have been home with his recovering wife who was about as fun as a
bucket of sick right now? There were so many things she could have said with a barbed tongue, but she didn’t. A few months ago, she would have headed out with a few girls if he was planning a boys’ night, but now she didn’t want to do anything.

“Who were you out with?” she asked, hating how needy she sounded.

“Uh, a few of the guys.”

She couldn’t decide if he looked guilty or just remorseful. “I needed you,” she said, her voice cracking.

Matt stared at her and she looked away.

“You’ve been designing?” he asked as he walked past.

Lisa held her breath. He stank of alcohol. She looked down at the notebook open on the blanket, pencil lost beneath the covers somewhere.

“Yeah. Was better than lying awake worrying about you.” And designing was the only thing making her feel alive right now, so of course she’d been designing.

He looked guilty. “Look, I crashed in the Chevy for the night. I’d had a few too many.”

At least he hadn’t driven home drunk. Truth was, she didn’t care, not like she normally would, even though she was interrogating him. If he’d stayed out all night a few months ago, she’d have been beside herself thinking he’d had a car accident or something, but last night she’d almost wondered if he was gone for good, sick of looking after her and dealing with a depressed wife who couldn’t even crack a smile without a huge effort anymore.

“Is there, uh, anything I can get you?” Matt asked, standing in the doorway with his thumbs looped through his jeans.

“I’m fine.” She was going to snap that him having a shower would be nice but she bit her tongue. He could say the same to her.

“Come on, you need to eat. How about bacon and eggs?” He waggled his eyebrows before giving her a wink.

“Maybe just some toast,” she said, trying hard to smile back.

When he left, she forced her legs out of bed, pushed her toes down onto the soft, plush carpet. What she hadn’t told Matt was that his being out all night hadn’t been okay. She’d sat awake, wondering what he was doing, where he was. She’d called him and he hadn’t bothered to answer. So she’d told the dog to get up on the bed and snuggled into him, waiting, hoping she hadn’t been so depressed and dark that she’d pushed her husband away for good. There had been something therapeutic about stroking Blue’s thick fur, fingers lost in the repetitive motion of kneading him back and forth. But it hadn’t been the same as having Matt at home. She sighed; she craved him when he wasn’t there, and craved space when he was.

Lisa padded into the bathroom and turned on the shower, staring at herself in the mirror. It was like looking at a stranger. Her eyes were hollow, dark shadows beneath them, hair hanging limp, unloved. Her skin was pale, not the usual golden tan she sported over summer. But today was different. Today she was going to haul herself into the shop and work out front instead of staying hidden in her office designing. Today she was going to make herself look good. Today she was going to force herself to be part of the world again and reconnect with her customers.

Lisa showered, washed her hair and pinned it up as she rubbed a tanning moisturizer into her skin after drying. While she waited for that to dry in, she smothered her face in cream and then went out to get dressed. She reluctantly pulled a blind and saw that the sun was shining, so picked a little striped dress out of her wardrobe. She might feel like dying inside, but to the rest of the world she didn’t want to be a pity case. She just wanted to dive back into work head first and try to find herself again. She got out her hairdryer and quickly blasted her hair, head upside down as she dried it.

There was no other way she could see to move forward, unless hiding in bed and in her office for the rest of her life was an option.

Her mobile rang and she crossed the room to look for it, found it on the floor beside the bed. She answered, not recognizing the number.

“Lisa, hi. It’s Dr. Lindsay.”

She hated hearing his name. Every time she’d ever spoken with him, it had been bad news in some form.

“Hi,” she managed, shivering as she wondered what he was going to say. She knew she should be grateful to this amazing man for saving her life, but right now he was just the man who’d made her terminate her baby and robbed her of the chance of ever conceiving another.

“Lisa, I have great news. Your latest results are back in and the surgery was most definitely a success. I can confirm that as of right now we definitely won’t need to pursue any further treatments. Everything went as planned.”

Yeah, as planned because they’d cured her—he didn’t bother to mention what they’d taken away from her. She was silent for a beat before forcing herself to answer. “So the surgery worked? The cancer has gone?”

“Yes, it worked. We never like to use the word
cured
when it comes to cancer, and it’s still early days so we’ll continue to do tests to monitor you. We’ll be vigilant with checking you from now on, but going from these initial post-surgery tests, it’s looking good.”

What he was trying to say was that what she’d been through had been worth it. Lisa took a deep breath. She hated feeling like such a bitch, but it was like she was slipping into darkness all the time, unable to see the glass as half full after a lifetime of being so defiant in the face of anything bad that came her way.

“Thanks for the call,” she said. “It’s great news.”

So why was she so numb? Lisa ended the call but clutched tight to her mobile as she walked out into the hall and found Matt in the kitchen.

“What?” Matt’s face lit up as he put down his mug and stared at her.

“The surgery worked,” she mumbled. “Dr. Lindsay’s confirmed that I definitely won’t need chemo or anything else, just like they expected.”

Matt closed the distance between them in seconds, wrapping his arms around her and lifting her clean off her feet. “Woo hoo! Best news ever.”

She smiled, fought the urge to snap at him and tell him to put her down. He was happy and she should have been, too.

“So everything’s fine? I mean, it’s over?” he asked.

Lisa bit hard on her lower lip, so hard she wondered if she might taste blood. “He just said the initial tests were clear but that they’d need to keep checking. I don’t think I’m completely in the clear yet, but he sounded pretty positive.”

“Baby, it was worth everything. I was so close to losing you.” Matt kissed her, his mouth hungrily searching out hers.

Usually she would have laughed and kissed him back, been as eager as he was, but not now. She moved her mouth but the tingly feeling she usually felt from locking lips with him wasn’t there.

“Was it worth everything?” she managed, the words whispered, pushing him away with her palm flat to his chest.

Matt frowned down at her. “Yeah, it was. We’re together. You didn’t die.”

A part of me died
. She wanted to say it but the words faded in her throat.

Instead of answering she walked past him and had a look at what he’d made. The smell of bacon almost made her gag, but he’d made an effort—she had to give him that.

“I’ll just have some eggs if that’s okay,” Lisa said, hearing him move behind her as she reached for the coffee.

“Lis, I don’t get why you’re so unhappy. We should be celebrating!” Matt wrapped his arms around her, mouth dropping to her neck.

Lisa froze, tried not to explode. “So I’m alive,” she muttered. “But I lost a baby, Matt. A baby I still think about every day, but you’ve obviously forgotten about him.”

His hands fell away and she fought tears. She didn’t want to push him away, didn’t want to be cruel, but he just didn’t get it!

“I haven’t forgotten,” he said quietly. “But you will always be more important to me than a child I’ve never met. You’re more important to me than anyone else.”

The tears were burning, fiery, but she refused to let them fall. “He was my child,
our
child, and I will never stop questioning the decision we made. Never.”

Matt moved away, and she turned when she knew he was no longer standing behind her. She loved him—she always would—but right now a little part of her hated him for loving her more than he’d loved their child. It was unfair and it was cruel, but she couldn’t help the emotions throbbing through every inch of her body.

“I can’t do this right now,” she said, squaring her shoulders and deciding to leave rather than argue. It was unfair to both of them. “I’m going into the shop.”

Matt nodded, face solemn. “Okay.”

It was strange seeing him standing there with a spatula in one hand, skillet in the other. He’d never cooked for her before, never taken on the role of caring for her until now.

Lisa collected her keys and walked out, wanting to be busy, wanting to stop thinking and blaming and wondering. She couldn’t stand staying in the house for a moment longer. Her hands were shaking when she got behind the steering wheel, but she forced herself to keep going. It didn’t take long to get to her shop, and she immediately saw Savannah, her manager, putting out the sign as she parked.

“Hey!” she called out when she walked in, the smell of her favorite scented candle hitting her the second she was inside.

The colors surrounded her, the fabrics calling to her and wanting to be touched, and she wished in that moment that she could just stay here forever. This was her place. This was where she belonged. This was where she could be herself, away from what had happened and the decisions that had been made.

“Lisa! You look amazing!” Savannah came running to her, arms open as she pulled her in for a big hug. “Are you okay? You don’t look like you’re just heading to the office today.”

“I’m okay,” Lisa said, returning the hug, holding her friend and long-time employee close to her body. “But here I don’t want to talk about it. The C-word is banned, and so is anything else unless it’s work related or gossip that you want to tell me.”

Savannah gave her a tight smile. “Understood.”

“Now show me all the new stock that’s arrived this morning and let me see the pre-orders. I want to know who I’m going to see walking through that door today.”

Savvy had known her long enough not to question her, and she took her by the hand and dragged her out back.

“I’ll show you everything, but first sit down. You need to show me every single new design.”

Lisa laughed and dropped into the chair, ready to kiss Savvy for being so normal with her instead of wrapping her in cotton wool. Work was what she needed. Work was going to be her savior. If only she could hide here and imagine the rest of the world away forever.

“Kelly, it’s me.”

Matt sat in his pick-up, staring back at the house. He was still parked in the driveway.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“Like shit,” he said truthfully.

“I take it you’re not having a good day,” Kelly said, and he could almost feel her smile down the line.

“Understatement of the century,” he muttered. “I have a wife who goddamn hates me, I stayed out all night so I feel like crap, and I have no goddamn idea what to do.”

“For the head, I’d recommend Tylenol,” Kelly said, voice softer now. “For my sister, I’d say just give her time.”

“Kelly, it’s been a while now. All she keeps bringing up is the baby, or the babies we’re never going to have. I mean, why can’t she just get how lucky we are that she’s alive?”

Kelly sighed and he did the same, slumping over the steering wheel. He’d always thought he understood her. Yes, they were opposites in many ways, but that had always worked before—he’d understood where she was coming from.