Always and Forever (77 page)

My breathing was erratic; my anxiety was clawing away at my
insides, buzzing around my brain as it frantically tried to find a way out. I
knew I had to keep it in, I couldn’t allow myself to freak out. Jake didn’t
know the true horrors about that night and it would kill him to find out. It
would break his heart and maybe even turn it into stone. I had already
witnessed Jake’s fury on several occasions and I really didn’t want to
experience that again. I know Jake would never, ever hurt me but that doesn’t
mean his anger doesn’t scare me. The last thing I wanted to do was provoke him.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry about that, it’s nothing.” I forced a
carefree smile on my face, failing miserably.

Jake gently took hold of both my wrists, caressing the skin
over my pulse with his thumbs.

“Bethany, you’re shaking. Your whole body tensed up and you
seemed really scared of me for a second. What’s wrong? Did I do something you
didn’t like? What caused you to react like that?” He fired questions at me and
I knew his pursuit would be endless; he wouldn’t rest until he uncovered the
truth.

“I told you, I’m fine.”

“Let me be the judge of that. Tell me what frightened you.”

I was sat on the edge of the bed and he knelt down in front
of me. He continued to circle the inside of my wrists with his thumbs, it was
soothing and I just knew it would somehow coax the truth out of me. Maybe that
was his intention. I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore, lies always catch up with
you in the end and I didn’t want to wait for that to happen. I knew I had to be
honest with him, I couldn’t keep him in the dark and he had a right to know.

 “Ok, I’ll tell you but I need you to listen to me and
I don’t want you to interrupt. You’re not going to like this but you deserve to
know the truth. Promise me you won’t be angry with me?”  

“I’m not promising anything.” He said through gritted
teeth. His eyes were inflamed and his posture was rigid with tension.

“It’s about the night I had my confrontation with Sarah and
the night you saved me.”

“Go on.” He urged me as his hold on my wrists tightened.

“I wasn’t completely honest with you about something but I
need you to understand it was only because I didn’t want to hurt you, I was
trying to make things better.” I paused, dreading the next part I had to tell
him. “You asked me if the guy you saved me from had touched me before you
arrived and I told you he hadn’t. Jake, I was lying; he did touch me that
night.”

Jake squeezed my wrists, I could feel the skin bruising and
cried out, forcing him to relinquish his hold. I don’t even think he realised
that he’d hurt me, he was already lost to his own rage. He jumped to his feet,
pacing back and forth. He raked his fingers through his hair before dragging
them down his face. His breathing was erratic and I swear I could even hear the
loud thump of his heartbeat from where I was sitting on the bed. He came to a
standstill in front of me and closed his eyes; he looked like he was in
physical agony and excruciating pain. I wanted to reach out and comfort him, I
longed to ease his suffering and reassure him that I was ok.  

“Bethany, please don’t tell me he… please tell me he
didn’t…” His eyes glazed over with tears as he turned to face me. There were no
words to describe the insufferable torment my revelation had caused him. His
fists were clenched, his knuckles had turned white with rage as his tears
threatened to spill over.

“Jake, he didn’t rape me. I swear to you he didn’t.” I
strode stood over towards him, my hands circles his face, forcing him to look
at me. “I wasn’t raped, Jake. I swear to God I wasn’t.”

His eyes studied mine, searching the depths of them for the
truth. His shoulders slumped and he exhaled loudly.

“You said he touched you. What did he do? I need to know exactly
what he did. I’m on the edge of insanity here and I’m going to go fucking crazy
if you don’t tell me what happened.”

“He hit me, he tried forcing me to kiss him and he pulled
my hair.” I murmured, reluctant to reveal the true extent of the assault.

“What else?”

“He squeezed my breast and somehow managed to shove his
hand down the front of my jeans and into my underwear. You arrived before
anything else happened, Jake.” I said truthfully, hoping it would provide him
with some relief.

It didn’t. Jake’s face clouded over, it was like a red mist
descended and his whole body started to shake, he was actually trembling with
the violence of his fury. I wasn’t sure if he could see me anymore, it was like
I was invisible to him and it was terrifying. I had to jump out of the way when
I saw Jake’s huge fist swing forward. It went right through the bedroom wall
behind me, the plastering and wallpaper tore and crumpled around the gaping
hole he had made.

I screamed at him for to stop and he spun around to face
me, grabbing hold of my arms as his enraged eyes cut right through me.

“How could you keep that from me? You actually convinced me
to walk away from that evil piece of shit! Why did you do it? I wanted to kill
him! Why didn’t you let me kill him? I wanted him dead and that was before I
knew you were sexually assaulted! You told me he hadn’t touched you and you
forced me to walk away, I even let you phone a fucking ambulance! He shouldn’t
even be alive! He deserved to be dead for what he did!”

“I did that for us! I didn’t want you to go to prison and I
didn’t want to lose you!” I cried, tears pouring down my face.

“Jesus, you don’t know me at all, do you? I can’t believe
you made me spare him. He has to pay for what he did; I have to find him and
when I do, I really will kill him. He’s a dead man and this time you won’t be
there to stop me.”

“Jake, you’re talking crazy. Just listen to yourself right
now, you’re not that person and you never will be. You have a good heart.”

“I don’t! If I did I wouldn’t want his blood on my hands. I
should have murdered him when I had the chance! Why the hell did I listen to
you?” He glared at me with so much hatred; it killed me to see the man I loved
in so much pain. He was a good person; I don’t know why he didn’t see it. How
could I make him see the goodness that I saw every single day?

“Jake, calm down. Please just listen to me.” I said, trying
to negotiate with him, closing the distance between us.

“No. I have got to get out of here. I can’t even look at you
right now, I can’t think, I can’t fucking breathe! I need to go; you really
shouldn’t be around me right now!” He grabbed a black T-shirt and threw on a
pair of shoes before slamming the front door behind him.

I was left alone in the bedroom, shocked and terrified by
what had just happened. I had no idea what to do, the only reminder of Jake’s
ferocious outburst was the huge hole in the wall and I couldn’t take my eyes
off it. I remained frozen for several minutes, silently sobbing as I flung
myself down on the bed. Where had he gone? Would he come back? I knew I should
have followed him, God knows what he’d do without me there to calm him down. He
hadn’t even taken his phone so I didn’t even have the option of calling him. My
own mobile startled me when it started to ring from the living room; I leapt
off the bed and raced towards it. It had to be Jake; no one else had my number.

“Jake?” I yelled down the phone, clutching it to my ear.

“Bethany, its Carla. Jake’s here but he’s gone crazy! He’s
upstairs in his room but he’s locked the door and won’t let anyone inside. It
sounds like he’s destroying everything in it and I’m really scared he’s going
to hurt himself or do something stupid. Can you please come over? You’re the
only one who can reason with him.”

“I’m on my way.”

 I ended the call and ran back into the bedroom to get
dressed. My heart was beating so violently, it felt like it might jump out of
my chest. I wasn’t thinking clearly as I sped over to Jake’s house, thankful I
knew where he was but terrified of what I would find when I got there. The
ferocious racket coming from Jake’s house was indescribable, Jake’s music was
blaring and the sound of glass shattering and what sounded like furniture being
broken could be heard half way down the street. The front door flew open before
I could even knock and Carla grabbed hold of my arm, yanking me inside.

“I don’t know what’s happened; he refused to say a single
word to me when he got here. He just stormed through the front door and up the
stairs. He locked his bedroom door and all we’ve been able to hear is his music
and the sound of him destroying the things in his room. I’m the only one home
but I haven’t even tried talking to him, you’re the only one he’ll listen to,
Bethany.”

“I’m so sorry. I’ll talk to him, just stay down here.”

I flew up the stairs, praying the whole time that I’d be
able to talk some sense into him. The racket was much louder when I reached his
bedroom door. I was scared to death and couldn’t believe that Jake was the one
behind the door. Sometimes he really scared me; I wondered if I even knew what
he was truly capable of.

Jay-Z’s ’99 Problems’ was blasting out underneath the door
and I didn’t even know if he’d be able to hear me over the roar of the music
and the commotion going on in there.

“Jake, its Bethany! Please talk to me.”

 The turbulent, uncontrollable chaos seemed to quieten
down and I held my breath, preparing myself to see him. The song was still
playing as the door opened and Jake stood there, glowering at me. There was so
much hatred in his eyes, it had never been directed at me before but this time
it was.

I slid past him and my body brushed against his, causing
him to inhale sharply. At least I could tell he was still attracted to me, he
was furious about the lie I had told but neither of us could deny the magnetic
pull between us. I walked in and switched the music off, taking in the ugly
devastation of his room. The mirror was smashed, shattered into a thousand
pieces. He’d broken his chest of drawers and his wardrobe had been dismantled.
He must have used a hammer or something, how else could he have caused so much
damage? It was so similar to what my father had done the night I left, it
horrified me and all I wanted to do was run away. He looked like a complete stranger
to me and I had to keep on reminding myself that it was Jake.

“What are you doing here?” He said icily.

“Carla phoned me, she’s really scared, Jake.”

“So you came here by yourself? You walked the streets alone
in the dark? What the fuck were you thinking?” He yelled, slamming the door
closed.

“Jake, just stop it! You have to calm down; I need to know
why you’ve done this.” I pointed out the annihilation of his room.

He jerked as though I’d slapped him, narrowing his eyes at
me incredulously.

“Why?” He repeated disbelievingly.

“Why would you do this? Why did you run out on me and scare
your sister half to death?”

He stalked over towards me, leaving very little space
between us. He towered above my five feet two inch frame, intimidating me with his
height and muscular physique.

“I’ve just found out the girl I’m in love with lied to me!
She deceived me and told me the pervert I saved her from didn’t touch her. I
spared that cunt because I thought I’d got there in time and now I find out
that I didn’t. He sexually assaulted you and I didn’t know about it! Do you
know how much I despise myself for not being there? It’s my job to protect you
and I didn’t. If I had known what he had done when I got there, I would never
have let you drag me away from him! Knowing that I let him live will torture me
for the rest of my life.”

“Jake, I didn’t want you to be punished. If you hadn’t
stopped that night, you would have been in prison right now and I would have
been alone.”

“Bethany, I need you to go. I don’t want you to see me like
this. I feel like I’m capable of anything right now. I can’t even sit still!
The rage coursing through my veins is about to explode and I don’t want you
anywhere near me. That’s the reason I left, I had to get away. I’m going mad, Bethany.
I’m so close to the edge! I can’t fucking take this! He touched you! He fucking
hurt you! How am I supposed to deal with that?”

“You have to deal with it, there’s no other choice! I had
to deal with it and so do you. I need you, Jake. Please don’t run out on me
again.”

“Bethany… I… ”

His shoulders slumped; I was so close to getting through to
him. I reached for his hand which was trembling, energy was radiating from him
and I knew I’d never witnessed madness quite like this. It all because of me and
I couldn’t help feeling guilty for revealing the truth to him. I had to find a
way of diffusing the situation, Jake was almost on his way back to me, I just
had to push him a little further. I tentatively placed his hand over my
stomach, gazing up at him.