Always Been Mine (5 page)

I smiled. At least, I hoped it looked like a smile. “Yep. A-ok.” I gave him a thumbs up. “You can go now.”

“Jo.” He raised an eyebrow and slid a hand into the pocket on his hooded sweatshirt.

“Go home to your fiancé, Matt. She’ll come hunt you down if you don’t.” I looked at the street, half convinced I’d see Taylor’s Audi speeding towards us.

“She knows where I am.”

“Yeah, cause you two tell each other everything, right?”

“Joes.” I looked at him, seeing the look of confusion.

I took a deep breath and plastered a smile on my face. “It’s ok Matt. You and I, we’re good. You don’t need to check up on me anymore. I’m a big girl, with a husband of my own. I won’t be stealing Taylor’s anymore.”

He shifted. “Taylor doesn’t have a husband yet. Me? I’m your friend and right now, that means that I do need to check up on you.”

“I don’t need you. You can leave. I have plans.”

His eyes slanted. “Did you call Billy?”

I laughed at his look. “No.”

“So you’re gonna go back to your hotel room and wallow?” I nodded. That was the plan. “All by yourself?”

“Yeah. Imagine that. No one to betray my trust, no one to make me feel bad about myself, no one to…”

“Cut the shit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on.”

“Get on? The death trap? Yeah, I don’t think so.” He gave me his annoyed look that he wore every time we talked about his Harley. I sighed. “You don’t even have a back seat.”

He laughed and scooted forward. “I have a back seat, Jo.” He tapped the seat behind him. “I just don’t have a sissy bar.” Seeing my blank look, he explained, “The bar behind the seat that riders lean against.” I shook my head. How would I stay on the bike? He sighed, reading my thoughts. “You hold onto me, silly. I won’t let you fall.”

“I don’t have a helmet.” Then I realized that he didn’t have one either. “Where in the hell is
your
helmet?”

He chuckled. “I didn’t have a chance to grab it. I... ugh,… I had to use the actual door to get my bike out of the garage, not the bay door.” He laughed at my look. “Long story.”

Hmmm. “Well, you should have taken the extra few minutes needed! It’s dangerous.”

He gave me his lopsided grin. “I couldn’t. I needed to catch you.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Why don’t you have a sissy bar?”

He laughed, a deep laugh that made me smile. “Taylor won’t ride without it.” He held out a hand. “Come on. Come celebrate with me.” I hesitated. The fact that Taylor never rode his bike made me want to. I was mad at him. Confused, but mad that he had told her all those things. I hated her, though, and was tempted to go with him just because I knew how angry she'd be. I had no idea how to get on.  “Take my hand, put your left foot on the peg, and swing your right leg over.”

Fuck it. I could be pissed off at him later. I grabbed his hand and lifted myself up behind him. I glanced over my shoulder, noticing how close I was to the back of the bike. “You’re sure I won’t fall off?”

He
turned his head towards me as his right hand came around, grabbing my leg. “Scoot closer.” I was already close, my inner thighs touching his butt, but I did as I was told. He shook his head. “Closer.” I sighed and pushed myself as close as I could get, the front part of my body flush against his back side. It felt so intimate, like we were doing something that wasn't as innocent as it really was. His hand moved up to my thigh, giving it a squeeze. “Now, put your arms around me.” I wrapped them tight around his belly and felt his laugh. “Not so tight, Jo.” I relaxed them a little. “Now, where to?”

I shook my head. “It’s your night. Somewhere away from here.”

“It’s a gorgeous night. Wanna go to Portland?” I didn’t. The idea of going on the freeway on this thing scared the crap out of me, but I nodded and he started the motor. It was loud, but not as loud as I thought it would be. The vibrations ran through my entire body. Matty started out of the lot slowly, pulling up his legs and leaning back into me when we hit the main road. Every now and then, his right hand came back, holding onto my thigh. I pushed my cheek into his back, right between his shoulder blades, and watched the sights go by. There wasn’t anything between me and the pavement except a bike and Matty, but I hadn’t felt so safe in a long time.

The ride didn’t last as long as I thought it would, even though Matty didn’t take the freeway. At every stop sign, he would turn back and talk to me, checking to make sure I was ok. Sometimes he would put his hands over mine on his belly and rub them, helping me keep them warm and letting me know he was right there with me. His body completely blocked mine from the coming traffic and wind, and eventually I forgot to be scared and started having fun. Matty told me once that the most relaxing place in the world was on the back of his bike. I’d argued and said it had to be on the white sand beaches in the Virgin Islands, but now, I saw his point. I was completely calmed down when he backed the bike into a parking spot. And, a little sad that the trip was over. He put down the kickstand and turned the bike off.

“You ok?” he asked, squeezing my hand.

“Yep.” I sighed in content. “That was awesome.”

             
He chuckled. “Good. Glad you liked it. Now you can come with me more.” He stood up and got off the bike, stretching and slipping the black hoodie over his head. I only had a second to think about Taylor's vicious words earlier while he shoved the sweatshirt into his saddlebag and then held a hand out to me. I stepped off, and his hand went to my back, rubbing the exact spot I was sore. “I know it’s hard on your back to sit without a bar; if you want, I’ll put it back on.”

I shook my head. This was my thing with him and I wanted to keep it that way. “Then Taylor will want to ride.”

              He looked at me a minute. “Good point.” He smiled, holding out his hand again. I eyed it and then him, speculatively. “Trust me,” his voice was low, “it’s better if people think you’re with me.”

             
“I am with you.” I didn’t take his hand, flexing my toes in the flip-flops I wore. Next time, if there was a next time, I rode his bike, I was wearing shoes.

             
He smiled, reaching his hand down to mine, and cupping it in his. “I mean
with me
, with me. This can be a rough place.” A rough place? Awesome. Where’d he bring me? I looked up and down the cobble stone streets, but all I saw was a lot of other couples and groups of friends walking under the street lights. It didn’t look scary. Everyone seemed to be having fun and in a hurry to get where they were going. But, I didn’t pull my hand away. We walked in silence, stopping here and there so I could look into the windows of the little shops that lined the street.

             
We were looking in the window of a Maine Made store when I heard someone yell. I looked up to see at least ten, very large, very intimidating men walking toward us. They looked like the quintessential biker. Big, brawly, and scruffy, sporting leather vests or jackets, jeans and boots. Matty dropped my hand, moving in front of me, and for a minute I just stood there watching the swarm approach from all different directions.
Oh, my God. We’re getting mugged
. One of the largest came up to Matty. I watched as he drew himself up to his full height, puffing out his shoulders as he did. The move made Matt look almost twice as big as he was. I was impressed. He was almost as daunting as the rest, staring the other man straight in the eye.

             
I didn’t hear what the big one said to Matty, but his reply was low and vicious. “You looking for a problem, son?” The tone suggested that he wanted the answer to be yes.              

The other man raised his head slightly, moving directly into Matty’s space. “I think I found one.” The accent said he was from Southie. I’d lived in Boston long enough to know that. I debated grabbing my phone and dialing 911, but wondered if I should just let Matty handle it. Suddenly, the choice was made.

The other guy grabbed my friend and, to my surprise, pulled him into a hug. “Didn't think I'd see you heah, brotha!” Matty hugged him back in that manly way men hug, laughing.

“How in the hell are you? What are you doing here?” Matty looked around the group of men, hugging some, shaking hands, offering greetings to others. He obviously knew this band of thugs and was very happy to see them. Suddenly, he seemed to remember that I was there and turned back to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me out into the street light. He smiled. “This is Rocker.” He motioned to the big guy in front of him.

“Rocker? As in you like to go to the local bar and sing your heart out every weekend?” I surveyed Rocker suspiciously. Up close, he really wasn’t that frightening. He couldn’t have been more than a year or two older than me. He was wearing designer jeans over his beat up boots and a tight black tee shirt under the vest, which showed off his muscles and a full tattoo sleeve down one arm.

He shook his head. “No ma’am, it’s because…”

I held up a hand, interrupting him. “Did you just call me Ma’am?” I looked at Matty. “He just called me Ma’am!” I was completely appalled, but Matt, used to my reaction to the word, just smirked and shrugged. I turned back to Rocker. “Do I look old to you?”

Rocker looked taken aback. His whole face fell. “No, Ma’a… ugh,” he shook his head again. “Nope.”

I smiled, trying not to laugh. He was just too adorable. I liked him immediately. “Let me guess. They call you Rocker but,” I paused, casting a side glance at Matty, “it’s actually Rock Her.” I leaned a little closer. “Like the ladies, huh?” Rocker’s face got a little red and the other men laughed. I held out my hand. “Joey.”

Rocker took my hand in a nice, firm handshake. I couldn’t help but notice how calloused and cracked his hands were. He either rode a lot, or he worked with his hands. “Joey?” he asked, glancing back at Matty. I liked the way he said it with his voice raising a little on the ‘ey’. 

I nodded. “Joey. As in the cute little kangaroo.” I winked at him.

Rocker laughed. His eyes traveled over my body. One of the other men made a comment about me being a kangaroo with boxing gloves, and they all laughed. “It fits. I like it.” He looked back at
Matt. “Is she…”

Matty stepped forward, grabbing my hand, lacing our fingers. “Yeah. Something like that.” He stepped closer to me, his legs and body touching mine. It felt like I’d just been zapped, electricity running through him into me. I wondered if he felt it too.

Is she what? Before I could ask, one of the other men spoke up. “Hey Mateo, does she kick like a kangaroo when she…” that one I understood before he finished and I cut him off.

Turning toward the voice, I smiled. “Hey now!” I held up my hand. “If he tells you that with me standing right here, he’s never going to get to experience it again.”

Matty laughed, shrugging, and leaned in to kiss my forehead. "You are amazing," he whispered. He stood. "Joey, this is Dean." He pointed to the man that had asked the question. He went around the circle of bikers, introducing each. I was surprised by their names. Other than Rocker, Tiny (who was anything but, so I didn't want to know where that nickname came from,) and Hawk, they all had normal names. And none of them were nearly as scary as I had first thought.

Rocker nodded at us, giving me a dazzling smile. “If he gives you any trouble, any at all, you let me know. I’ll take care of him.”

I pointed my free thumb back at Matty. “This guy? Nah, I’ve got this one under control.”

The group laughed. Rocker smiled again. “I see that. We’re headed to the bah down the street, wanna come?”

Matty shook his head. “Nope. We’re headed out to dinner for some,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “us time.”  He returned his voice to normal. “You come all the way up for drinks?”

“We had a job.”

“I would’ve come, if you’d called.”

Rocker shook his head. “Nah, man, we got this one. I’ll call you tomorrow to fill you in, and I'll see you soon?”
Matt nodded and said his good byes to the group as they left.

Rocker turned around and gave me one last smile. “It was nice to meet you, Little Kangaroo.”

I laughed. “You, too Rocker. You, too.”

              The tavern Matty took me to wasn’t very far down the road, but there was a line out the door. I was surprised when the bouncer let us in, acting as if he knew Matty, but there seemed to be a lot of people down here that knew my friend. I was starving by the time Matty got us seats and food in the dining section. The bar was open at full swing, and through the window sized holes in the walls, we could see the dance floor. Matty explained that the tavern used to be two separate businesses, in two separate buildings, neither with enough space. So, they combined. It seemed to be working for them. The bar was so crowded I couldn’t see an inch of empty space, and every seat in the dining room was full.  I looked around at all the people standing, thankful that Matty was able to get us in.

“How do you know the bouncer?” I asked. Matty looked up, eyebrows arched.

“What bouncer? Here?” I nodded. He shrugged. “I don’t.”

“How’d we get in?”

He smiled. “I told him we had reservations.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his sheepish look. Then he looked serious. “Are we gonna talk about it?”

I shook my head. Nope. Not now at least. “Tell me about Rocker.”

“There’s nothing to tell, really.” It was my turn to arch my eyebrows. “Fine.” Matty gave a small exasperated sigh. “I was in the youth center with him.” He paused dramatically, as if waiting for his words to sink in and for me to run away screaming in fear. I rolled my eyes at his flair. It was no secret that he’d been in a lot of trouble as a kid. He’d told me he spent the later part of his teens in Long Creek, a detention center for criminal teens.

"Oh! What did he do? Or can you not tell me?" I lowered my voice so the couple at the table next to us couldn't hear.

Matty met my eyes and shrugged. "It's really his story to tell." I wasn't surprised. After all these years, he still wouldn't tell me the specifics that led to him being there, as if it was some terrible thing that would make me run away. Matty's past made me sad, not scared. Every once in a while he would let something slip, though, so I was able to piece together that he’d had a pretty rough time before becoming an adult.

I nodded and he continued. “He was my best friend and had my back through a lot of shit. We went through hell and back together. After we got out, I mean for the last time, we moved to Boston together.”

“You moved to Boston with Rob.” I’d heard the stories enough. Rob Doyle and Matty were close, like brothers, and even had matching tattoos. They’d gotten in even more trouble in Beantown. He hadn’t talked about Rocker before, though.

Matty beamed at me. “I forgot I told you that. Yeah, Rob is Rocker.”

I gaped at him. Nothing about the man I met earlier matched the Rob I had imagined. From the way Matty talked about him, I pictured the Hulk. Someone that was large, destructive and always angry, but that could turn in an instant into Bruce Banner and be calm and collected. Rob, or so I'd gathered from the brief mentions of him, was bad news. Matty had to bail him out of jail more than once. I’d pictured the monster that could put on a good show, not the good guy that could be a monster. Rocker seemed genuinely nice, and funny. “But… Rocker is freaking hot!”

Matty choked. I stood, pounding him on the back. When his coughing stopped, he glared at me. “Really?” I shrugged. He was. "Since when do you think the tattooed guy on a Harley is hot? You don't like the bad guy."
Since you
, I thought, blushing. Seeing my embarrassment, he winked at me… “I’m sure his wife would agree with you.” Matty’s words interrupted my thoughts. I glared back. He smiled slowly. “Sorry. Too soon?”

“Are you trying to tell me something?”

He shook his head. “Nope. You don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, we kind of have to now, don’t we?” I snapped.  “Fine.”  I set my fork down. “Why are you here with me when you told your fiancé,” I spat the word at him, “you were sick of my drama? Why aren’t you home celebrating with her?”

His eyes flashed at me. “Why are you here with me instead of with Billy?”  I’d half expected him to deny the drama comment and the fact he mentioned Will was a surprise.

“Because it’s your night,” I snapped back.

He leaned over the table. “Then why did you run away?”

“Ha! Did you want me to stay after Taylor made it perfectly clear I wasn’t welcome in her house?”

“Yeah, actually, I did. It isn’t her house, it’s mine.”

“Actually,
Matt, it’s her house now, too. You fucking proposed and didn’t tell me!” I was seething, but until that minute didn’t realize how upset I was about that fact.

“You told me I should do it!” He shot back, gripping the edge of the table. “I asked you if there was any reason I shouldn’t and you said there wasn’t! Regretting that now?”

“She’s a fucking hag, that should be reason enough to run away. But, no. You decided to marry her. Then, you tell her why my marriage is falling apart and agree to stay away from my drama? Do you know how fucking laughable that is? My drama? Coming from the woman that threw a fit because you didn’t remember her shoe size? Why in the fuck would you tell her that shit? I told you because I trusted you!”

“Taylor and I never had that conversation, but you’d know that if you had stayed another five minutes. You ran away before I could explain.” I took a deep breath, still angry but not sure what to say. I felt like an ass because I knew he was telling me the truth. And it was just like Taylor to twist that around.

“That’s the woman you’re going to marry? One that blatantly lies? I doubt it’s the first time, but somehow you overlooked it and proposed anyway!”

“Is that really why you don’t want me to marry her, Jo? Because she lied?” He was seething now; I’d never seen him so angry with me. I knew what he was hinting at and realized that Taylor meant that both she and Matty knew how I felt. 

“No! I don’t want you to marry her because I knew this would happen! She hates me,” I glared at him again, “and there is no way she is going to be happy until I’m out of your life forever. I’ve always told you everything, that’s what we do, and now I can’t tell you anything because you’ll run right back to her.”

“Bullshit. She talks to Billy, did you know that? I didn’t tell her anything about you or him. I told her I came home late last night because he was a fucking asshole and I couldn’t stand him. Which led to her defending him; we had a giant blow out.” He leaned back a little, sighing. “I didn’t propose to her, Jo. She went through my shit while I was with you and she found the ring.”

I didn’t know that the two of them talked. I felt like Will had crossed another line. But, Taylor’s search of Matty’s things was worse than that. “Seriously? What was she looking for?”

He shook his head. “I dunno. But she found the ring. I told her I wasn’t ready for her to have it yet, but that I’d ask her soon. She wore it to work today and when I got home, I asked her to not wear it in front of you. She isn’t like this all the time,” he defended. “You just bring out the worst in her.” He held up his hands at my hateful stare. “Ok. She’s a bitch. And fucking awful around you. I think she planned tonight.” He sighed.

“What do you mean?”

“After you left, I was going to grab my keys and follow you. But, both sets were gone. My bike keys were there, but the garage door opener had miraculously disappeared.” He shrugged, smirking. “I guess she didn’t realize that the side door is wide enough for a wheel-chair, so my bike can fit through. She knows now.” He gave a small laugh. “I almost, almost, wish I could have seen her face when I drove the bike out the door and took off. She’s gonna be rip shit that her plan didn’t work.” I laughed with him, wondering why he’d stay with someone like that. He reached forward, grabbing my hand. “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” I squeeze his hand back. “I’m sorry your celebration was ruined.”

The lopsided grin appeared. “It wasn’t Jo. It’s been better than expected, actually.” I smiled back at him, the anger leaving me. The best thing about Matty was that he could be mad at me one second, and then laughing the next.

“Ok. We’ve talked about it. Can you tell me more about Rocker now?” He laughed, nodding.

*********

I don’t know how long we sat there, but time flew. Matty kept me entertained with stories of Rocker, some which I’d already heard, some that were new. It was easy to picture them now that I’d met the man behind the crazy ideas. I would have stayed there all night, listening and laughing, but when Matty yawned, I realized that he still had to drive us home.

“Sorry, Jo. I didn’t get much sleep last night,” he told me when I suggested we go.

I smiled at him, feeling guilty because I’d kept him here so long and because I’d kept him out late last night, too. “Will you be ok to drive?”

He nodded. “Yeah, once I’m outside, it’ll be better.” He stood, barely stifling another yawn, and then grinned, holding out his hand. “Come on.” I stood, grabbing for his hand when someone in the club caught my eye. I dropped my arm, moving slightly, assuring myself that my mind was playing tricks because I was tired. I gasped.

Matty slid in behind me and followed my stare. Will was in the bar, and he wasn’t alone. Rachel, his cute coworker had her arms wrapped around his neck, grinding along to the music with him. He turned her then, so she was facing us, and moved into the back of her, running his hands familiarly down the front sides of her barely clad body. Her arms went behind her, as if to hold him close, her head falling back on his shoulder. We were intruding on their very private moment, and I sat down abruptly.

Had they been here all along?
I miss you. I love you
. Will’s words from earlier echoed in my head. He’d asked me to go out to dinner with him, why was he here with her? Why was he here anyway? We never came to Portland! I silently willed him to open his eyes, to see me. But, he was so caught up in his moment with her I doubted he’d see me even if I was right there next to him. His bare left hand moved up to grab her breast possessively; the movement stole my breath away. He’d taken off his wedding ring.

Matty moved suddenly and I caught his arm right before it was out of reach. “Where are you going?”

He stopped, looking down at me. “I’m going to go kick his fucking ass.” He seemed to barely be holding his anger.

I shook my head. “Please, Matty. Please just take me home!” He looked back to the dance floor and stiffened. I didn’t want to know what he’d seen. Then he kneeled in front of me, taking my cheeks between his hands. I met his eyes. “Please?” I asked again.

“Can you ride?” I nodded. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Then, he put me on the inside, blocking my view of Will, and walked me out of the tavern. It had gotten chilly and I was shaking by the time we got back to the bike. “Here.” He pulled his hooded sweatshirt out of the saddlebag and slipped it over my head.

“You’ll need it.” He only had a lightweight black tee shirt on, but my lips chattered as I said the words.

“Nah. You’ll keep me warm.” He smiled as he lifted his leg over the bike and held out a hand for me. “It looks like we’re gonna get a storm. I’ll hurry.”

We made it half way home before the rain started. I thought I was cold before I got on the bike, but after a few minutes of riding in the rain, I thought I was going to freezing to death before we made it back to the hotel. I didn’t know how Matty could see a thing. The driving rain felt like hail pounding into my flesh, and it dripped from my hair into my eyes, burning as it did. Matty had told me to lean my head into his back, and covered my hands with his, but he didn’t even have a shirt to protect his arms. Not that clothes would have helped much. My sweatshirt and jeans soaked up the freezing water, and mixed with the cold air, gave me a chill right down to the bone. The trip down to Portland had gone quickly, but the trip home felt like it took forever.

We were both off the bike as soon as Matty cut the engine. He pushed the kickstand down, and we ran for the door of my hotel. Our clothes made giant puddles in the elevator, but at least we were out of the rain. I struggled to make my numb fingers work the keycard, but I couldn’t get them to do what I wanted and I handed it to Matty. The door had barely closed when I pulled the sweatshirt off, my shirt coming with it, trying to get away from the freezing fabric.

“Get out of your clothes before you freeze!” I struggled with the button on my jeans, stopping to flex my fingers a few times. I looked over at Matty and forgot what I was doing.  He’d taken off his tee shirt, boots, socks, and jeans in record time. Standing in the bathroom doorway in nothing but his boxers, he was briskly rubbing his hair with a towel. He was breathtaking.

I’d seen him shirtless before, but only for a few seconds here and there. He always wore a rash guard at the beach, telling me that he didn’t want his tattoos getting ruined by the sun. Seeing his tattoos, I was sure that wasn’t the only reason. He was covered with them, which he’d told me, but the pictures he’d chosen to forever etch on his body surprised me. 

They were beautiful. None of them touched the others, with the exception of the giant Claddagh over his heart. It curled and twined with tribal knots into a half sleeve on his left arm. But it was the others that I focused on. A lonely cross, with the words, “Only God can Judge Me” above it, high on his right chest, almost touching his shoulder. A giant angel ran around his left side, stretching from hip to just below his armpit. In the same spot on the right side, there was a picture that looked like it had been drawn on by a child, but I couldn’t tell what it was. Starting right below his breast bone, covering his very chiseled six pack and belly button, stretching out onto his stomach, was an anchor. But it was the words low on his right pubic bone that held my attention. I couldn’t pull my eyes away.