Always (Bold as Love) (13 page)

“
What isn't worth trying?” he asks calmly.

“
I don't know. Jake, I feel like I've failed.”

“
It's just cooking, Sweetness. All your other attributes makes up for your lack of skill in the kitchen. Trust me, in the grand scheme of things, you have succeeded.”

As if knowing exactly what I wanted and needed, Jake pulls me up and hugs me, kissing my cheek as well.

“When have you been practicing?” I ask now that we are alone, and I have his attention.

Jake sighs and replies, “At night. I've been having trouble sleeping, so I leave and go to rink.”

I don't like the thought of Jake leaving me in my sleep, but there is a more pressing matter at this time. “Why haven't you woken me up?”

“
Sweetness, I'm not going to do that. My technique is working so far. It's fine.” There's a finality in his tone, and I know not to argue further.

For now.

“C'mon, let's go downstairs. Drake wants pizza.”

Jake leads me down the steps and into the living room.

“I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, Emily,” Drake says timidly.

“
Not at all, Drake. You could never hurt my feelings.”

He smiles and turns his attention back to the television. Jake grabs his phone and orders pizza once we have taken a seat. No words are spoken as we watch TV and wait on the food. My mind is in shambles. We have so much that is going to happen. We've got to transfer schools, find a place, get Drake situated and so much more. It's truly overwhelming. The doorbell rings and Jake is off to answer the door because the delivery guy is here.

I just don't know how we are going to handle it all. Roy isn't going to be any help because of our decisions. Dad's going to be back here and we're going to be in a new town trying to start anew once more. Doubt creeps in and I wonder how it's all going to work. How will it ever work? Is this what I have in store for my future? Taking care of Drake, moving where Jake is playing, and having to start fresh each time? Am I really prepared for this? I take a deep breath and calm down. One thing at a time, right?

Prepared or not, I've got to deal with it. No. Jake and I will handle any bumps along the way together. I want this to work and that means I'm going to have put forth the effort to make it work. Jake returns from getting the pizza from the delivery guy, sets the box on the table, and pops it open. It's like vultures on a dead body, attacking at once. It's delicious though.

“What's the matter?” Jake asks between bites, giving me a sideways glance.

“
Just thinking.”

“
Oh.”

After dinner, it's late enough that we are all exhausted. It's been a long day and we need to rest. I climb into Jake's bed while he tucks Drake into bed. My eyes are heavy and begin to fall when I hear Jake enter. I listen as he removes his shirt and it falls to the floor, followed by his pants. Then he's in bed, pulling me to him.

“You're worried,” he says quietly, playing with my hair.

“
Aren't you?”

“
Of course. I know this is going to be a lot on you and I appreciate everything you are doing for me.”

I cut him off. “I'm doing it for us and Drake.”

“Either way, I'm thankful. There's no way I could do this without you.”

I roll over and nuzzle into his neck. I'm not just worried. I'm extremely worried.

28

Jake

For the first time in weeks, I slept through the night. I didn't have to leave and go practice or workout to calm my nerves. Morning is here and I'm the only one awake. Emily's soft hair is intertwined with my fingers and my only thought is how I don't want to think. I've got less than a week before I leave and all I want to focus on is that. Without disturbing Emily, I reach over to my nightstand and grab my phone.

I text Todd, an old hockey friend of mine, to see if he wants to practice with me today. I can't keep running drills by myself. I need some competition to keep that side in shape as well. Todd's reply is almost instant. Of course, he will play. He even goes as far as saying that he'll get some of the guys together for a scrimmage-like game.

“
Sweetness,” I say with a slight shake of her shoulder.

“
Mmm.”

“
I'm going to play with the guys. Mind keeping Drake?”

“
That's fine,” she mumbles and rolls over, away from me.

Out of bed, I go and get ready. Soon, I'm at the rink, meeting with the guys.

“About time you got here. If you're going to be playing with the NHL, we need to get you in shape,” Todd says with a slap on the back.

“
I am in shape,” I laugh.

Todd rolls his eyes and skates away. “Let's get this started boys,” he yells, getting into position. The guys fall in line and soon a game is underway. The guys push me to my limits and try new things on me. We play for a long time before we finally take a break.

Sitting on a bench, Todd plops down beside me.

“
I'm sorry about your dad.”

“
Thanks.” I take a swig of water.

“
How are things with you and Emily?”

“
Alright. Could be better, could be worse.”

“
You finally asked her, huh.” Todd looks over at me, a grin on his face.

“
Yeah, I did,” I smile.

“
What's bugging you then?”

“
Life, man. Life.” I stand up and return to the ice. “Let's play.”

Hours later, I return home to find Emily and Drake watching TV. I grabbed dinner on the way home, burgers, and we watch TV and eat. Things are awfully quiet around here, but I don't comment on it. All eyes are on the TV but mine are on Emily. She's leaning away from me, twirling her hair, watching TV. Her mouth a thin line.

Instead of asking what's wrong, I lean over and kiss the side of her neck. Momentarily, she smiles at me then turns her attention to the TV. Once this episode ends, I tell Drake that it's time for him to head to bed. He gives us both a tight hug, running upstairs afterwards. Leaning forward, Emily grabs the remote from the coffee table and powers off the television.

“
Bedtime for us too?” she grins at me.

Chuckling, I nod. Sweetness heads upstairs while I lock the front door and turn off all the lights on my way up. The stairs creak with every other step and reminds me that it's just us now. Soon, it'll be time to clear out dad's things and figure out other details, like what's going to happen to the house. My shoulders become heavy with the responsibility I face. Each step is achingly dragging behind me, begging for things to return to normal.

The door to Drake's room opens silently as I peek in to check on him. His covers are hiding half of his face as he sleeps. I swear, sometimes it only takes five seconds for that kid to fall asleep. Satisfied that my little brother is safe and sound, I cross the hall to my room. Sweetness is in the bathroom brushing her teeth, only wearing a long t-shirt of mine. As I watch her, I undress and toss my clothes into the hamper. The shirt hitches as she leans over to spit and rinse her mouth. I trudge over to my bathroom just as she wipes her lips.

“
Scoot,” I quietly command.

She moves over and opens one of my drawers as I start the process of brushing my own teeth. Through the mirror, I watch. Her eyes are focused on the drawer and her hands are rummaging through it as quickly as possible. Finding what she's looking for, she turns away and closes the drawer with her hip before bending over. It's quite a feat to ignore the urge to come up behind her, grab her hips, and pull her to me. Gathering her hair, Sweetness puts her hair up in a bun.

Standing upright, Emily looks in the mirror, turns her head left and right. Satisfied, she slips behind me and back into my room. My eyes land on my image in the mirror and there I am. Not even brushing my teeth. I've just had the toothbrush in my mouth. Shaking my head, I get busy and finish the job, so I can crawl into bed my with my girl.

“
Gah, I love your bed,” Emily says as she pulls the covers up to her nose.

“
You are so weird,” I laugh, laying down beside her where she rests her head on my shoulder and intertwines our legs. Her warmth seeps into my skin and all I want to do is cherish this moment. I don't want to think about the past few months or the future. The here and now is where I want to be.

My peace ends too soon.

“I'm going to see my mom tomorrow,” Sweetness delicately whispers, her breath teasing the skin on my chest. Before I can say anything, she continues. “She put me down as her emergency contact and the nurses called to basically say that she's going to die at any time.”

At this point, my head just feels numb. I still can't believe that Mom is gone sometimes, much less my dad. Now, Emily's about to lose her mom. No wonder she was a bit distant this afternoon. While I'm not in the mood, it seems that now is the time we are going to discuss this. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath to clear my head. Emily takes my silence that she needs to continue talking.

“I think that this is my chance to finally talk to her and get it all out. To find my closure, so I can move on. If I don't do it now, I probably won't ever get passed it enough to enjoy everything that I have now. Don't you think so?”

Ignoring her question while I stare at the blank ceiling, I ask, “What are you going to say to her?”

“I don't know. I'm just going to let her have it. Pretend that she isn't about to die and that I have courage and I'm going to tell her how purely evil she is. How I hope she rots in hell and that her final days are as miserable as I was. Something along those lines.” She takes my hand in hers and rests them on my stomach.

“
Okay. All that I ask is that you don't say anything for her. Make sure you say what you need to for your benefit. Do you want me to drive you?”

“
No. I think I'll go by myself. You're okay with it, right?”

“
I'm always okay with whatever you need to do.”

Seemly satisfied, she closes her eyes. I can only tell because her lashes barely brush my skin when she blinks and they've yet to move again. A vast part of myself wants to go with Emily tomorrow. I want to make sure that she's going to be okay and that she says whatever she needs to say to her mother. I want to be there incase her mom's a bitch and she needs someone to hold her. But if she needs to go alone, I'm going to let her. Whether I like it or not.

29

Emily

The fifteen minute trip to the hospital seems like an hour long drive. I'm a bundle of nerves and all I want to do right now is throw up. I can feel the puke at the top of my throat, just waiting for me to think one thought or make one move so it can rise up and out. Pulling into a spot the farthest away from the door, I throw my car in park and turn off the ignition.

This is it.

This is the time.

I'm so unbelievably tempted to leave and pretend I talked to her. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I gulp down air a few times and get out of my car. In no rush, I head across the parking lot and into the three story county hospital. The nurse who called yesterday was so nice as to tell me my mother's location within the hospital.

Twists and turns and I feel like I'm on a walk of shame. It's not good that she still has this effect on me. My mind is in overdrive as I start to rethink my plan. Maybe I shouldn't see her. The numbers are decreasing on the walls as I become closer to her room and I think about what Jake told me before I left.

He was hugging me goodbye and whispered into my ear, “You are so strong. Don't forget that, Sweetness.”

With his recalling words surging through me, my first thought is, “Fuck that plan.” It suddenly becomes clear to me what I need to say to my mother. The powerful surge of courage builds as I step into room 385.

Not one ounce of pity comes from seeing my mother look so ill and feeble, laying in a bed with tubes and cords everywhere. Her eyes part from the view the window provides and skit over to me. My demon awaits and as I step closer, I can see relief evident in her eyes. I'm about to wipe that away.

“You came,” she hoarsely says.

“
Yeah, I figured it was time.”

“
I'm so happy to see you.”

“
Wish I could say the same,” I tell her flatly.

Confusion sparks and I keep going before I lose it. Being in the same room as her is harder than I expected.

“When the nurse called, I had the perfect speech in my head for when I decided to come see you. It was a speech that has been building for years and years. A speech that encompassed how I felt. But I've decided that isn't what I need to say. I didn't come here for you because you're dying and supposedly feel bad about what you did. I came for me.

“
You damaged me in so many ways. I've tried moving on and pretend that I was over it. I'm not though and I probably never will be. But that's okay, because you know why? I forgive you, Mom. I forgive you for everything you have ever done or said. I forgive you for the things you allowed.
I forgive you.
”

My mom actually looks horrified. Tears are slowly gliding down her face and she looks deeply sadden. I don't have time to worry about that, though. I've got to get out of here. Before I walk out, I turn back and utter what will be my final words to my mother.

“Goodbye, Mom.”

I close the door behind me and head out, making sure that I stop by the nurses desk to tell them not to contact me again under no circumstances. The only thought running through my head as I walk to my car is that it's over. It's finally over.

I feel like the burden has lifted from my shoulders. My throat burns and my eyes water. Slinking into my car has never felt so relieving. The tears pour instantly and I sit in the parking lot for a good while cry, cleansing myself once and for all. There was never anyone holding me back. I realize now that it has been up to me to move past this all along. I had to choose to want it and make the according actions. I've finally done so and it's over. It's time to move on with my life once and for all.

With one last deep breath, I wipe away the fallen tears and head home. The plan was to return to Jake's, but I want nothing more than to go to my home. Usually it would be eerie to drive with no sound emitting from the speakers, but today, it's just what I want. Once I'm home, I text Jake and tell him that I'll either be over later or see him tomorrow.

He asks if everything is okay, and I reply that it is. I feel like it's been forever since I've been home and I guess in a way, it has been. Looking around the house, I see that it's relatively clean. It makes me feel better because it appears as if Dad will get along just fine once I move out for good. When I enter my room, I'm bombarded by pictures. A sad ping rings through my heart because we rarely take pictures anymore.

My room is neat and tidy, but I feel like I need to clean it. Before I can change my mind, I quickly go to the kitchen and grab a couple of trash bags. Starting with my closet, I begin to clean it out. I toss clothes I no longer want in one bag and the rest goes into another. Once I finish with my closet, I move to my dresser and then my nightstand, throwing away anything that I don't need or no longer want. Buried in the very bottom of one of my drawers, I find a birthday card from my mother when I turned thirteen. The front just has a big 13 on it. My hands tremble as I open the card and read what my mother wrote.

A teenager. You're truly growing up and I can no longer deny it. You've already turned out to be a pretty girl and I'm excited to watch you grow into a beautiful woman. Boys are going to start chasing you and I know I won't have to worry too much. You've got a good head on your shoulders and there's no doubt in my mind that you'll accomplish every dream you have.

With love,

Mom

For a moment, I wonder what happened to that woman, the woman I knew and loved. It doesn't matter anymore. She's gone and I'm moving on. I throw the card into the bag with all the other junk. Tying the bags and then grabbing them, I walk outside. I've just put the trash bags in the container when Dad pulls into the driveway.

“What are you doing?” he asks, getting out of the car.

“
I've just been cleaning.” I throw the last bag in the canister.

“
Cleaning what? The entire house?” He gives me a kiss on the cheek when he walks up to me.

“
Just my room.”

“
All that came out of your room? Is there anything left in there?”

“
Yes,” I laugh. We head back inside and once in the kitchen my dad starts talking some more.

“
Not that I mind, but I am a bit surprised to see you home. Everything alright?”

“
Yeah. I just felt like being home today and don't worry, Jake and Drake confessed to me that I can't cook. You're on supper duty tonight,” I say as I take a seat at the table.

“
I even get to have supper with you?” he pretends to be shocked.

Rolling my eyes, I nod.

“So what do you want? I'm in the mood for steaks, that sound okay?”

“
You're crazy.”

“
What? Why?” he turns, leaving the fridge open.

“
You asked me what I wanted and then told me what you wanted.”

Dad chuckles. “Do you want steaks or not?”

“Steaks sound delicious.”

“
Good.”

Dad gets busy fixing supper and asks numerous questions.

“How's Jake and Drake, hon?”

“
They're good.”

“
What are y'alls plans for the week?”

“
I don't know. It's summer and we haven't been to the beach, but once. We might go down there.”

“
Good. I've got a business trip coming up next week in Florida, so if you'll keep an eye on the house, I'd appreciate it.”

“
Will do. I'll probably start staying the nights over here.”

“
Oh, okay.”

“
Don't seem so excited, Dad,” I say, slightly irritated.

“
You've been home for what? Two months? You've barely stayed here during that time. Are you sure everything is okay?”

“
Yep. Call me when dinner is ready, alright?” The chair scrapes the floor as I push backwards and go down the hall to my room. I'm aggravated. Why does he have to assume that since I'm home something's wrong? I just want to spend some time here. At home. In my own bed.

My room looks better even if it's emptier than before. I lay in bed and wait for supper. I'm still fuming over how I just miss being home and my dad can't seem to think that's possible. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I retrieve it. It's Jake.

“Hello?”

“
Hey, Sweetness. How'd it go?”

“
Fine. How was your day?”

“
It went well. You coming over tonight?”

“
No, I think I'm going to stay here.”

“
Oh. Everything okay?”

I groan. “Why does everyone keep asking me that? I mean, just because I want to be at home shouldn't mean that something's wrong.”

“Sorry, Sweetness. I just wanted to make sure since you visited your mother today.”

“
I told you it went well,” I say still irritated.

“
Okay, okay. I'll talk to you later, then. Love you.”

“
I love you too.”

Dad calls for me from the kitchen and I leave my phone on the bed as I head that way. We eat in silence and it reminds me of all those dinners when I first moved in with him.

Awkward.

It doesn't really matter though, because I'm going to ignore it. I eat faster than normal just so I can go back to my room. All I really want to do right now is crawl into my bed and pretend it's a old friend who I need to catch up with. I'n not in bed five minutes when I start to feel guilty for the way I snapped at Jake. He just wanted to check in on me and I was a bitch to him.

I toss and roll onto my back to stare at the ceiling. There's so much to think about. First thing first, I get up to grab my computer and power it on. I've got to get the forms done to drop my classes. I'm pretty sure that Jake has already done this for himself. I think he'll have to get Drake registered for school soon as well. It takes longer than I thought. So much longer that when I get up for something to drink, Dad has already gone to bed.

With a water in tow, I return to my room and set it on my nightstand. After brushing my teeth and changing my clothes, I lay down for bed. Worry creeps up my spine, touching every possible surface to help spread the building anxiety. I can't pinpoint exactly what's making me worry. Part of it is how everything's going to change soon. We're moving to Chicago as soon as Jake finds a place. Jake's camps are coming up. Jake has to deal with the after effects of his father's death and that's a heavy task. Unless I transfer to a community college, I'll have to miss this semester and work instead. That'll put me behind, though.

I worry about how Drake will transition to all these upcoming changes. With the exception of his parents' death and Jake leaving for college, there's not much that has changed in his life. How will he deal with a new school? New peers? A new home? All this thinking is getting me nowhere. I'm too awake to try and sleep. The urge appears as if it never went away.

Throwing my covers aside, I hop out and change into shorts, a sports bra, and a tank top. I put on socks and tennis shoes then throw my hair up into a ponytail. I don't leave a note or bring my phone, just my headphones and iPod. There's no need. It's a warm summer night, technically morning, and running is just what I need.