Always & Forever (22 page)

Becoming a submissive puppet who allowed a man to pull her strings again was unacceptable, and it felt like Zach tried to take charge of her life this morning. How could she be certain he wasn’t the puppeteer Charles had been?

However, Zach had been incredibly kind and understanding while she broke down last night. Lilly could never imagine Charles being so gentle or caring toward her.

She shuddered, remembering the terror she felt upon seeing the shadowy figure at the sliding door. She hadn’t been that scared since the night of her attack. When Zach knocked on the front door, she was certain someone would burst through at any moment to hurt her.

Discovering Zach stood on the other side, being in his arms while he soothed her, protected her—she had never felt so safe or cherished.

Then again, people could hide their true nature, at least for a while.

***

Damn redheads
. Zach grabbed his credit card back from the cashier at Sally’s coffee shop and shoved it into his wallet. It was true what people claimed about a redhead’s temper. What the hell was wrong with her? After last night, Zach thought they were closer. Would it be so horrible to take a few days off and spend them with him?

Maybe he should have told her his real motive for getting out of town. But what if it freaked her out all over again? If someone really was after Lilly, especially if it was the same man from before or Charles, Zach wanted her out of reach. A trip to Portland held an air of legitimacy; she really did need a new dress. Besides, it would be fun to take her out to dinner, have a real date with her.

Apparently, he still had a lot to learn about women.

He juggled the tray of coffee while he grabbed the car keys out of his front pocket. Holding the little sack of fresh donuts between his chin and chest, he unlocked the car door. His phone beeped as he slipped into the front seat.

Zach set the coffee onto the passenger seat, placing the donuts next to it before looking at his phone. Great, a text message from Lilly. Maybe she wanted him to stay away. He opened the message with no little trepidation.

“Please come back. We need to talk.”

Zach leaned his head back. That didn’t sound good. What would he do if she wanted to break off their relationship?

Their relationship.
That thought hit Zach, momentarily taking his breath away. Zach wanted to be with Lilly. Not just as a casual date and definitely not as a decoy. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her since they met. For the first time in his life, Zach thought he might be with a woman worth a commitment from him.

He dated occasionally since Victoria’s death, but he wouldn’t exactly call that a relationship. Jennifer had been nothing more than an occasional sex partner and someone to go to fancy parties with. They’d quit seeing each other when Jennifer found a steady boyfriend last year. No big deal—for either of them.

He didn’t want that with Lilly. He couldn’t imagine going weeks without seeing her. Hell, he didn’t want to be away from her for a few hours.

Zach drove quickly back to her house. He did his juggling act again with the coffee and donuts and knocked on the door with his foot. When he left, he wasn’t sure Lilly would let him back in, but he locked the door anyway. No way would he leave her in an unlocked house with some maniac after her.

The door opened and Lilly looked him over before turning to walk into the kitchen. He couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but at least she let him in.

Zach closed and locked the door before following her. “I bought regular coffee. Didn’t know what else you liked.”

“Thank you.” Lilly took one of the foam cups and sipped the hot liquid, perching on the stool next to him. “I need to let you know about a decision I made while you were gone.” She looked at him, and Zach saw fear in her eyes.

He relaxed his shoulders and tried to appear nonthreatening. Whatever she planned to tell him, she thought he wouldn’t like it. And she was afraid of him. Zach prayed she wasn’t about to kick him out of her life. “What’s your decision?”

“I know you think we should call Detective Spalding, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

That was all she wanted to talk about? Zach feared she planned to throw him out of her life or maybe tell him they would never go to Portland together. He reached for her shoulder, intending to reassure her that he didn’t care whether they called the detective.

Lilly flinched, leaning away from him.

He dropped his hand to his lap, wondering what possessed him to do that. He knew better than touching her when she was so tense.

She cleared her throat. “I think it’s best not to involve Spalding right now. What if it’s just a prank, like you said?”

“Lilly, we need to get something straight between us.” Zach turned in his seat to look at her more directly.

She shrank back further from him, almost in danger of falling from her stool.

Zach looked into her eyes, hoping she would understand the truth of his words. “I will never, ever hit you.
Never
. Do you understand?”

Lilly nodded. Some of the wariness left her, and she sat a little straighter.

“You’re in charge of your life, not me. I don’t hit people who disagree with me.”

“I’m not used to men thinking I can make decisions.” Her eyes shifted away from his.

“I know that, but I’m not your father, and I’m definitely not Charles.”

“Sometimes it’s hard to believe not everyone is like them.” She reached out tentatively and placed her hand in his.

“I understand that. Well, I’m
trying
to understand.” Zach squeezed her hand gently. “That’s not to say I won’t get angry and lose my temper, but I’ll never hurt you.”

“I know you want to go on this trip together, and maybe all you want is to spend time with me.” Lilly shrugged and grabbed a sugar-covered donut from the bag, not meeting his eyes. “I don’t know how to tell for sure you aren’t like Charles, and I’m afraid to give up any of the control I’ve finally won over my life.”

Zach cleared his throat, aware of how much it must have cost her to admit that. In a way, it showed she already trusted him, at least a little bit. “I’m not Charles,” he said slowly, “and I didn’t mean for you to feel as though I wanted to control you.”

Lilly said nothing, putting a small piece of donut into her mouth.

How could he convince her? “I know you’ve had a hard life, and I understand what you’re saying about being controlled.”

He wanted to reach out and hug her. Maybe if he showed her enough love, she’d believe in him. He knew that would be a mistake, though, one sure to drive her away forever. Instead, he ate his own donut to keep his hands busy.

“I don’t know how to reassure you, except through my actions.” He shook his head, his stomach twisting with disgust when he thought of what Charles did to her. “I would never be capable of doing what he did.”

“I want to believe that,” she whispered.

He took a deep breath. The time had come to explain his life to her. “You’ve suffered more hurt than anyone should have to endure. I want to tell you about my life, and maybe you’ll understand things better.” He took a shaky breath. Opening these old wounds and examining them in detail wouldn’t be easy. Lilly had the courage to tell him her life, though. He owed her the same courtesy. “You aren’t the only one who suffered in a terrible relationship, although yours was worse.”

“I don’t understand.” Lilly’s hand lightly touched his forearm. “Not Victoria, surely.
She
was perfect. Who was so horrible? Someone you dated after her?”

She thought Victoria was perfect? Zach shook his head, remembering Victoria’s mean streak and cold manner. All he’d wanted was a family, a wife to love as much as Granddad loved Grandma.

Almost from the beginning, Victoria claimed he had all the romantic sensibilities and sexual finesse of a block of wood. He’d felt horrible the night of their wedding when she said she couldn’t abide his touch. Zach now understood the reason she discouraged his lovemaking, but at the time he’d felt as though he were less than a man. She only had to avoid him and talk her way out of her marital duties that first year. After he found out about her relationship with Curtis, Zach never touched her again.

He thought about the damaged woman sitting beside him. He ached to help her heal from what her past had done to her. Even with her past, Lilly’s heat was a blazing fire compared to Victoria’s iciness. Last night in the hallway had been the most exciting sexual encounter of Zach’s life, though it stopped almost before it began. Zach had a feeling once Lilly got over her fear, he would never have to endure excuses from her as to why she didn’t want to make love.

“Zach, are you alright? Are you going to tell me?”

At the sound of her sweet voice, Zach looked at her. A coating of sugar covered her mouth from the donut she’d eaten. He wished he dared lean over and suck the sweetness from her full lips.

“I tried to tell you this last night before Mother called.” He paused. “I was never in love with Victoria, and she certainly never loved me.”

Lilly snatched her hand back from his. “You didn’t love your wife?”

That knowledge obviously disgusted her. Zach took a moment to gather his thoughts. It was his turn to sweat it out while he explained his past. Lilly had a real romantic streak. Would she understand?

He took a deep breath. “I met Victoria at a party. Mother loved her immediately. Victoria came from a great family. She’d attended all the right schools. She was from the same stock as my mother—rich people who know they’re better than everyone else.”

Beside him, Lilly folded her arms tightly and nodded once.

“I was stupid and foolish at twenty-two,” Zach continued. “I had the world by its tail and nothing could stop me. She was so beautiful, Lilly. We’re talking supermodel gorgeous. And Victoria knew it.”

Zach ran his hands through his hair. How could he make her understand this next part? He didn’t even understand why he made the choices he made. Best to get it over with quickly.

“We slept together that same night.” He looked away, afraid he would see shock in Lilly’s eyes. “It was the only time that happened, but after that she wouldn’t leave me alone. I felt bad, as I’d never had a one-night stand before, so I agreed to continue dating her. Besides, Mother loved her enough for the both of us.”

Zach jumped up to throw the empty donut bag in the trash. He leaned onto the island counter across from Lilly and forced himself to look at her while he talked. She did seem shocked, but Zach didn’t know if that was because he didn’t love Victoria or because he slept with her before he even knew her.

“A month into our relationship, she told me she was pregnant.”

Lilly gasped. “Oh, no. What did you do?”

“There was no question what I’d do.” Zach closed his eyes. All the shock of learning he would be a father, the fear and the joy, tumbled through him. It was all he’d ever wanted. “I figured I’d learn to love her. I was sure, in time, she’d come to love me, too. I had to do the right thing for my baby. I guess, looking back, I should have asked more questions, but I was young. I never even asked whether the baby was mine.” He shook his head and shrugged. “Mother was so excited about her first grandchild. I know how she can be sometimes, and I’m sorry she’s been rude to you, but she really does love her family. I can’t even describe how happy she was. My house was full of baby stuff within a few days.”

Lilly’s blue eyes pierced into his. “You might find this hard to believe, but I get that sense about your mother.” She tilted her head sideways. “So where’s the child now?”

Zach laughed humorlessly, surprised by the bitterness that still dwelled inside him. “There never was a baby. Victoria’s family had come upon hard times, and their money was nearly gone. Victoria searched for a rich fool she could convince to marry her.” He shrugged. “I was that rich fool.”

Lilly shook her head. “What? No! How could she do that?”

“I don’t know.” An empty feeling had curled deep in his heart when he learned the truth, and Zach had feared it would stay there forever. Being with Lilly seemed to change all that. He felt hopeful about his future for the first time in years.

“We were married within two weeks,” he continued. “She must have had that part planned for years to pull it off so quickly. It was a huge wedding with all the trimmings. I paid for it without question. My family had their reservations for a while, but Mother, Dad, and Tommy really liked Victoria and accepted her as part of the family fairly quickly.”

“How long before you discovered there wasn’t a baby?”

“I knew things weren’t right from the beginning. Victoria rarely made love to me. She said that since she was pregnant, my lack of skill was too hard on her.” Zach hung his head, ashamed to tell Lilly that bit of news. Even though he’d since been assured his skills weren’t a problem, Lilly might think twice before wrapping her legs around him again.

Zach couldn’t worry about that now. He needed to tell Lilly the whole story. “Victoria wouldn’t let anyone go with her to the doctor. She was angry I told my family. She told me the first trimester is critical, and I shouldn’t have announced it until later. I wanted to be a part of my baby’s life, but I didn’t want to upset her, so I never question her about appointments or asked to go after that.” He sighed. “We were more roommates than husband and wife. I kept hoping things would change, but they never did.”