Always Summer (16 page)

I wanted to
cry, but I wanted to try and explain too, and if I cried, my arguments would be
useless.

“I liked
what happened... too much!” I reasoned.

Blake
actually looked at me like I was nuts.
 
He tried to say something, but obviously couldn’t formulate a
sentence.
 
His mouth moved as though
words should come out, but couldn’t... his face was the picture of confusion.

“When I
lived in Rochester, I was subjected to a constant stream of abuse,” I began,
“and to deal with it, both Sal and I became invisible.
 
When we weren’t invisible, we would be
submissive... and do whatever we were told or forced to do.” I swallowed.
 
I looked up at Blake.

“I make you
feel like you did back then?” he choked out.

“No!” I
quickly advised him.
 
“This isn’t coming
out the way I want it to.” I reasoned.

“I’m really
confused right now.” Blake confirmed.
 
His grip had lessoned, but it was still there, holding me to him.

“Oh God!”
I wailed, dropping my head.
 
Tears were
building up, waiting to spill... I swallowed them back.

“Please,
let me explain...” I pleaded.

“Please
do.” He appealed.

“
Your
...
I... hmmm.”
I stopped,
breathed deeply, and tried again. “Your forcefulness upstairs was a massive
turn on for me...”

“And this
is a problem?” Blake interrupted.

“Please,
Blake... yes it’s a problem!” I argued.

“How?”
Blake argued back.

“It means I
liked what I went through when I was a kid!
 
Don’t you see?
 
I’m a
monster!”
 
I did burst into tears now.

“That’s
just stupid!” Blake said aggravatedly.
 
He pulled me tightly into him again, and sighed. His tone turned
soothing, “What is it about you girls?
 
First Julie thinks she shouldn’t be a lesbian and fights it for all
she’s worth, because of her experience with Anthea... and now you think,
because you like someone else to take control during sex, that you’re a
freak!
 
And all because when you were a
kid, you were constantly terrorized!” he looked down at me, shook his head and
then kissed the top of my head.

“Well, what
does it say about me?
After what I saw with Sal...?
 
After what almost happened to me...? After
what did happen to me for six years?” I cried.

Blake
sighed.
 
“I don’t treat you unkindly day
after day... and I haven’t tried or forced you to do anything against your
will.
 
I’m not a monster
Summer
.”

“No, of course
you’re not...” I started.
 
But he kept on
going.

“...But,
even though what happened upstairs was pretty tame, you’re right!
 
I do like to take control with sex... even
with my sporadic experience I know this.
 
But I don’t compare my sexual drive with my childhood shit!” He
argued.
 
“And... I would never force you
to do something that you didn’t want me to do.
 
I’m not a monster!” Blake finished by repeating himself.

“Oh, Blake,
I know you’re not a monster, and it isn’t you.” I sniffed.
 
“Now, I know you don’t want to hear this...
but I need to explain.” I took a deep breath.
 
“With Jordan, he was so methodical, sweet and gentle... except the first
time, when he was a bit eager.” I explained.
 

Blake had
tensed up, he didn’t want to hear this, but he didn’t interrupt.

“It was...
nice!” I struggled for words.
 
“With you,
my feelings, my desires, and we haven’t even gone there, but with you... it’s
intense!
 
It’s... like an inferno!” I
shook my head
... dumb, dumb,
dumb
!

Blake
looked at me like I was seriously losing my sanity.

“Intense and blazingly hot?
 
How’s
that an issue?”
 
Blake questioned.

“Look...
I’m not able to effectively put my argument across.” I reasoned.

“I agree...
your debating skills suck!” Blake replied.

I stifled a
chuckle and attempted to drive home my argument.
 
“You know what I was thinking during dinner?”
I asked.

“How you
could crawl into a hole and find yourself in Wonderland?” Blake quizzically
answered.

“Besides
that...” I chuckled.
 
“I was thinking
that all I wanted you to do was grab me, throw me over the table and fuck me
till I screamed.” I said... admittedly, I wanted to shock him... to make him
realize my point.

“Fuck...”
Blake gasped.
 
His breathing had hitched,
his chest was moving erratically.

“Amongst the food and everything.”
I admitted, but I wasn’t sure I was arguing
anything.

“Minus...
the people... I hope.” Blake struggled to say.

“Yes?” I
offered.
 
I was very, very certain that I
had completely lost this argument, that I hadn’t achieved anything I’d set out
to do.

Blake
groaned and dragged his hand over his face.
 
He looked at me; I could tell he was struggling not to smirk, so I
looked away... I hadn’t managed to convince him at all.
 
The look in his eyes was all predatory... he
was turned on.

“Sorry... I
obviously didn’t win any awards in debating.” I mumbled.

“You did in
persuasive writing though.
 
But then
perhaps you had time to construct your argument.” He chuckled.

“Point
taken... I need more time to construct my argument.” I said.

“No,
Summer
... you don’t.” Blake suddenly began, “you need time
to realize that there isn’t anything wrong with you.” He argued.

“I beg to
differ.” I disputed.

“Jesus...
Summer!
 
How can you get excited and
blurt out something like your dinner time fantasy to me, and yet think there is
something wrong with you at the same time?” Blake contended.

“Because it
all... I don’t know!” I suddenly felt bereft, confused and stupid, all at the
same time.
 
I slumped in his half
embrace.

“Because
nothing!” Blake growled.
 
“I am
struggling to get that image out of my head... it’s hot!
 
I’ve already had to reposition my legs in
order to readjust myself.” He reasoned, (he had, I just hadn’t realised that
was what he was doing).
 
“Hundreds of
thousands of women out there,” He began again, gesturing with his hand in a
sweeping motion, “are desperate for that kind of passion and heat.
 
They want someone to want them so much it’s
uncontrollable.”
 
He breathed deep,
looking at me intently.
 
I couldn’t say
anything... my confusion was now in the stratosphere.
 
So he pressed on.

“This
electricity that’s between us...” he indicated with his hand the nonexistent
space between our bodies, “...it’s magic! People trundle through life searching
for it and never find it.
 
They write
sonnets and music about it... pine for it... and die for it!
 
I’m not too young to recognize that what we
have is worth fighting for.” He maintained.

“I don’t
understand this myself!” I cried.
 
“I
just feel disgusted in myself.”

“And there
you have it!” Blake said softly.
 
“That
is the issue... your disgust.”

“Yes.” I
said weakly, tears streaming.

“You need
to square this out with yourself.
 
I
can’t convince you if you feel disgusted in yourself.
 
You need to work through those demons and put
them to rest.” Blake sighed.

“I’m sorry
Blake.” I cried.

“Why?
 
For being a little broken?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Oh,
well... I can understand broken.
 
But I’m
not going to give you up Summer Rogerson.
 
I’ll give you some room to work through these issues, but I’m waiting
for you... and I’ll be at our new place when you get there after Sal’s.” He
explained.
 
“And I’m still coming
tomorrow.”

“Okay.” I
replied.

“I was
hoping to see you before college, but I think I shouldn’t come and see you
during the break now; but I want you to talk to me in some way, every day.” He
demanded. “Whether it
be
via messaging, email or
phone.” He clarified.

“Of course
Blake... I could never go a day without you... ever again!” I reasoned.

“Good.”
Blake said.

Blake.

Damn... for
a minute or two there, I’d nearly lost her.
 
My instinct was to strongly disagree - to argue like the end of the
world was imminent.
 
I was glad my
arguments hadn’t gotten out of hand, that I’d reined them in at pivotal
moments.

It was a
double edged sword... those feelings she shared with me.

I now knew
that she desired me the same way I desired her, but I also knew that her past
was interfering in her interpretation of her feelings for me.
 
I hated to say it, but the break away for
Summer
would be for the best.

Blake.

Julie sat
shotgun in Debbie’s silver
Ford Focus
sedan, while
Summer
and I sat in the back.

I’d left
Summer
last night at the bottom of her front steps, with a
soft, swift kiss on the lips.
 
She’d
promised me that she’d consider what I’d said to her while she was on
sabbatical.
 
I told her that I loved her;
she returned the words with a frantic hug, and an
‘I love you too,’
before turning and climbing the stairs to the
front door, and retreating inside.

I spent the
night sleeping poorly, and waking on the hour, every hour.
 
I was scared at the sudden direction my
relationship was heading with
Summer
.
 
I was scared she wouldn’t be at peace with
her demons, and that she wouldn’t be able to return my affections... my
feelings, my love.

Today I had
more hope.
 
Sitting in the rear of the
sedan, it was
Summer
who had reached out for my hand,
and once she did, she entwined her fingers within mine.
 

She smiled
up at me with a genuinely warm smile, and it was like the sun had broken
through the fog.

Throughout
the whole journey, we had all discussed incidental topics, and
Summer’s
hand had remained clasped in my own.

Summer.

I wanted to
try with Blake... somehow.
 
After what he
said last night, I wanted to work on myself... and I wanted to try!

After
loving him for so long, and even despite my fucked up night without sleep and
second guessing myself; I wanted to let him know that he meant something more
to me than friends normally do.

Blake.

“This is
it.” Debbie stated, parking the car outside a three story condominium.
 
“They’re on the middle floor.”

I looked at
the condo’s middle floor windows.
 
They
were open, and lace curtains were spilling out of them.
 
Summer squeezed my hand, let it go and
proceeded to get out of her side of the vehicle.
 
I took her cue, and vacated too.

Debbie was
opening the trunk.

“You three
go on up,” I said, relieving Debbie of a suitcase.
 
“I’ll bring this stuff up.”

“Such a gentleman!”
Debbie enthused, giving my arm a squeeze, before shuffling the girls
toward the front door.

They’d
barely reached it, when Sally emerged screaming, her arms out, flapping... they
all started to scream...
Geez... what was
it about girls?

I grabbed
everything and used my elbow to shove the trunk closed.
 
Sally remained at the door, holding it open
for me.

“Hey Sal.”
I said.

“Hey there
you!” she replied, jumping up to peck me on the cheek.
 
I blushed.