Always Tried and Proven (18 page)

    Sam considered quietly, and let his eyes crinkle in just a hint of a smile.  “Okay, Callie.  If that’s what you really want.”

     She steeled herself against the entreaty in his beautiful eyes.  “It is.”  She assured him.

      He nodded, and looked away.  His heart was tearing apart. “Okay.”  He said.  “Just do one thing for me, if you will.  Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want to see me anymore.  Do that, and I will go away, and I will leave you alone.”

     A cold knot formed in Callie’s heart.   “Sam, it’s not that simple; and you know it.”

     He put his hands on her arms.  “Then don’t do it.  Let me continue to see you, take it one day at a time.  It’s really going to be all right.”

     She pulled away.  “No.”  she denied quickly.  “Sam, I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to keep putting you through this.  I am not going to be able to do what would be necessary.  Please understand.”

     "You're absolutely certain?"

    Callie set her lips, and nodded.  "It's for the best.  We need to go our separate ways.  Please, don't make this difficult.  This has got to be goodbye." She insisted.

     He sighed heavily.  “Will you at least kiss me goodbye?” he challenged.

     Callie looked up at him warily.  “Why make it harder, Sam?”  she argued.

    He shook his head, watching her eyes.  “Have a little mercy, will you?  If it’s going to have to last me the rest of my life, don’t make me remember it the way it ended last night.”

     The words cut Callie to the quick.  How could she ignore a request like that?  It gave her pause. Was he saying that she was the only love he’d ever have?  The thought made her heart ache unbearably!  Yet, what did it change?  She pressed her lips together and smiled unhappily.  “What can I say that won’t be wrong, and hurtful?”  she asked quietly.

     “Just give me this one thing.”  He urged in a pleading whisper.  Though Callie was reluctant, she allowed him to draw her into his arms.  She closed her eyes and tensed, as though she might somehow be able to ward off the pain.

     Sam held her as tightly as he could, and rocked her gently in his arms.  She could feel his breath against her ear and neck.  She was engulfed in his arms, her cheek against his hard, muscled chest.  His thighs were pressed against hers, and she could feel a trembling, deep inside him.  She felt that she might go quietly insane before it was over.

     His lips worked their way across her jaw, her cheek.  Then, his lips covered hers, and he took what he wanted, without restraint.  He drank of her sweetness and felt as though he might drown in it.  He also felt that he might die without it, if he never tasted her again.  But he knew better than to think about that, or say anything to convince her.  She didn't need any guilt to remember him by.

     When he’d filled himself and satisfied his ache in part, he began to pour out his love for her.  Callie was absolutely staggered.  She’d never felt anything like what Sam was giving her now!  She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loved her and that he’d never stop.  She knew from his kiss that he’d wait and continue to want her.  She didn’t know how she knew; she just knew.

     When he knew he had to stop or fall apart, Sam moved his lips from hers, to her neck below her ear. To that soft, delicate spot where her pulse fluttered.

     “I love you so much, Callie.”  He murmured, in a soft whisper.

     “I love you.”  She answered, with a heavy heart.

    He looked down at her.  She was staring back at him, her eyes begging him for mercy.

    “You know how to reach me, if you change your mind.  Or, if you ever need me … for anything, at all.”  He said quietly.  He smiled sadly, and touched her chin with his thumb.  He squeezed her shoulders gently, and then he released her.  His fingers lingered against hers.

    “Thanks, Callie.”  He said, with his heart in his eyes.  He turned away, and walked out.

     Callie didn’t find much solace in her life after that night.  Sam made no further attempts to contact her, and Callie stayed away from the tent.  Sadie continued to stay with Callie, but she had been seeing a bit of Sean, so she wasn’t around much when Callie was home.

    After an initial inquiry regarding why Callie wouldn’t sing at the tent anymore,  Sadie left the subject alone.  It was clear that Sam hadn’t told her anything, so Callie didn’t, either.  Sadie was unhappy to see both of them miserable, but she encountered stone walls on both sides whenever she brought the subject up.  So, she learned to leave it alone.

     It amazed Sadie, but the situation just went on and on, all month long.  The only change that occurred was that Sean and Dalton went to the tent one night with Sadie, and they both accepted Jesus.  They immediately decided to quit the band at the end of the month, and travel with the tent from then on.

     Callie was devastated.  This left her without a band.  She couldn’t believe it when the two men met with her and told her their intentions.  She was dumbfounded.  They assured her that Sam knew nothing of it as yet.  It seemed he’d prayed for them, but gave no sign that he recognized them.  Yet, they both felt very sure of the path that they now needed to take.

     She had found a bass player to replace Jimmie, but he was not even close to adequate.  He was barely able to play many of the songs, and Callie had to drop all of the more difficult ones.  He tried hard, but he wasn’t up to the grade. 

    With Dalton and Sean leaving, Callie had no choice.  She canceled her contracts for the next month, to give herself a chance to recruit more musicians.  Sean, Sadie and Dalton pooled some money to pay Callie's rent the following month, and Sadie gave her enough in offerings from her work in the tent, to pay for her food and utilities.

    She began immediately to search the music shop ad boards and even resorted to the newspaper.  She was heartened to have a plethora of responses; but all of her try-outs turned out to be flops.  There didn’t seem to be any competent country musicians available, anywhere in New York at that particular time.

     She cried herself to sleep many nights and worried about what she was going to do.  One such night, Sadie came into her room and hugged her soundly.

     “Callie, honey.  Don’t worry.  Something will work out.”

    “Yeah.  Sure.”  Callie snorted.  “I think God is punishing me for refusing to let Sam convert me.”

     Sadie shrugged.  “I wouldn’t go
that
far.  But remember how I told you God has a plan?  Two of your guys are coming with the tent, and I think you’re supposed to, as well.  This is that closing door.  But the next door will open.  It was clear that God was reading your mail to Sam.  Are you sure you don’t want to at least let him pray for you?”

     “No, Sadie.”  Callie sighed.  “It’s just best that I leave Sam alone.  I don’t want to mess up his life any more than I already have.”

     “You know, he feels very bad about Sean and Dalton.”

    “Yeah.  Well, my loss is his gain.”  Callie said dryly.  “Tell him I don’t hold it against him, will you?”

     “Sure.”  Sadie agreed with a little disappointment.

     “How, um … how is … Sam?” Callie asked nonchalantly.

“He is surviving.  I'm not sure how.”  Sadie answered quietly.  “He's feeling quite lost and wretched, I believe.”

     “Well, he'll get over that, no doubt.  He has God to help him.”

     “Yes.  Well, Callie, some valleys we must walk alone.”

     “What's that supposed to mean?” Callie asked darkly.

   “It means that God sometimes withdraws a bit; and lets us deal with our feelings and emotions and desires on our own, without providing us all the answers and keys to change.  That is how we grow.  You see, if everything is always easy, we don't learn much.  It's like having a teenager and either giving them everything they want; or, making them work for some of it.”

     Callie chuckled.  “Yes, but Sam's no teenager.”

    “Oh, I don't know.  In this area, he's rather untried.  He's never been in love before, you know.”

     Callie had the decency to blush.

    As the month drew to a close, Sadie became almost frantic to do something about Sam and Callie.  Finally, she went to Sam. 

   “Sam, I’m concerned about Callie.”  She said boldly, facing him across his desk in the trailer.  They were moving the tent to Vermont the following morning.  Something had to be done!

     “Why is that, Sadie?” he asked evenly, without looking up.

    “She’s lost her band, she’s out of a job, she’s depressed and she’s lonely.  Her world is in a shamble, Sam.”

     Sam sighed, and shot her a pointed look over the top of his reading glasses.  “What would you have me do?”  he asked.

     “I don’t know!”  Sadie answered, deeply grieved.  “I just know that you’re the only one who can reach her now, Sam.”

     Sam sighed, and stared bleakly at his desk.  “Sadie,” he said patiently.  “I have already done everything I could think of to do.  She has completely refused me.  I think that as her props are pulled out from under her, she may soften in time.  But the ball is in her court.  It will do no good for me to badger her.”

      Sadie blinked back tears.  “All right, Sam.  Thanks, anyway.”  She said. 

     Sadie found the apartment quiet and dark, when she arrived that last night.  Callie was not home.  Sadie was worried to find that she still had not come home when she got up the next morning.  She looked in Callie’s room and saw that the bed had been slept in, after all.  So, she’d come home and gone again, already.  Without saying goodbye.

     Sadie sighed.  She left a schedule for the tent and a business card on the table, along with two dozen red roses.  A greeting card expressed her love for Callie, and her thanks for allowing her to be her guest.

     And so, Callie spent the first day of July completely alone.   Her heart was heavy.  She felt stripped of everything that mattered to her.  On the fourth, she went out to her mother's for the holiday, but didn't have much spirit to add to the celebration.

     The following week, she just sat in her apartment all alone.  Then, she began to think about what she was going to do.

     She had begun finally to wonder, if it was truly so impossible for her to fit into Sam’s world.  After all, she really had nothing to lose, anymore.  She got down on her knees, just to see if she could do it.  She found it not to be a problem.

     “God, if you really are real,” she challenged skeptically, “make yourself real to me at the tent tonight.  Give me some clear sign if I’m supposed to travel with the tent.  And if you do, I’ll do it all.  I’ll give up.  I’ll accept Jesus, and I’ll marry Sam, and I’ll work in the tent.  But you’ve got to make it
very
clear to me.”

     She thought hard, and then threw a reckless and impossible gauntlet before the Lord.  “It will have to be a healing, a significant one.  And make it … make it someone I know, who gets healed.”  Callie smiled a naughty smile.  She didn’t know anyone in Vermont.

     She packed an overnight bag, and then she hit the road.  She had to follow the tent to Vermont.  Though it was a fairly long drive, she was strangely quiet.  She didn’t want any music.  She didn’t talk, she didn’t sing.  She wore a simple camisole top, and jeans tucked into a pair of tall Western boots.  She had her hair up in the same, old-fashioned bun she’d worn the last time she went to the tent.  She only wore the barest hint of blush, some waterproof mascara, and some light, transparent lip gloss.  She wanted to look fresh and natural, which she achieved.

     She drove across New York, north through all of Connecticut.  Then through the whole of Massachusetts, and finally, into Vermont.

    She got something to eat when she was nearing the tent site, so that her arrival would be delayed until well after the evening meeting began.  She didn’t want to talk to anybody, ahead of time.  As she parked her car, she smiled grimly.  She’d timed it well.  She could hear music.  She was trembling inside, but she’d set her heart to do this.

     There were fewer people attending the tent here, and as Callie approached, she could see that there was an occasional empty seat inside.  She slipped into the tent, but hid behind the bleachers so that she could hear and see, but not be discovered.  She found that the music lifted her spirits as she began to close her eyes and listen.  Jeremy, Sean and Dalton played very well together.

     When they were finished, Callie found herself trembling, because she knew she was about to hear Sam’s voice.  When in fact he did start talking, the sound pierced Callie like a knife.

     “Not long ago, I found myself thrust into a fire such as I’d never experienced or even dreamed of.  I nearly wished I could die.  I felt that I had little to live for, and very little hope left.  I was wounded and I unintentionally wounded someone very dear to me.”

     He was quiet for a moment, and Callie heard his steps on the stage.  “I, who had long since given my heart to the Lord; I, who had lived such a clean and sacrificial life, found that I was far from dead to myself.  I had been deceiving myself.  But you see, this was an area in which I’d never been tested before.  I thought I had it whipped, but I was dead wrong.  I discovered that I am no different than any other man; I had just never tasted temptation in that area.  I found myself ready to throw away everything I’d ever promised God, in order to take what I selfishly wanted.”