Always Watching (48 page)

“
I need you to tell me
what happened.  That’s how this works.  You’ve got to
give us your baseline, Dr. Eriksson.  Then we’ll know what
we’re dealing with here.”

The room shrank around her impassive
face. 

“
Are you telling me that
I’m in psychiatric setting?”

“
We’re trying to establish
–”

“
Cut the crap,
sweetheart.  If you want to know what I’m thinking, you’re
going to have to give me a few answers first.”

“
All right.  Within
reason, I’ll answer your questions, but I won’t fill in the blanks
for you.  I need to know what you remember.”

“
Give me the mini-mental
status exam if you want to know if I’m intact.”

“
All right.  You told
me that you know you’re in MSUH.”

“
Right.  All things
considered, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I’m not sure what
day of the week it is.”

“
Because?” she prompted,
dug without subtly asking for more information.

“
I believe that it’s
possible that I was severely dehydrated, perhaps even
delirious.”

“
From what?”

Where was the reticence coming from? 
In my heart, I knew where.  If I imagined the whole thing, it
would mean that I really did lose my mind.  If I kept my mouth
shut and refused to cooperate, maybe I could figure out what was
real and fantasy without anyone ever knowing there was a
problem.

“
Dr. Eriksson
–”

“
Fine,” I snapped. 
“I’m not sure what happened to me.  The last thing I remember
was having pot roast for dinner.”

The corners of her mouth twitched. 
“Are you certain that’s the last thing you remember?  Perhaps
I should’ve been more specific.  What’s the last important
event you remember?”

“
I’ll tell you on one
condition.”

“
I don’t bargain with
patients, Dr. Eriksson.”

“
For God’s sake, call me
Helen.”

“
All right, but I still
don’t negotiate with patients, Helen.”

“
Then you’re not a very
good psychiatric nurse.  Negotiation is an invaluable tool,
necessary even.  Or didn’t anyone teach you that sometimes you
have to pick your battles?”

“
What’s the
condition?”

“
You’ll tell me if I’ve
had any visitors.”

“
You have.”

“
I don’t remember anyone
coming.”  I picked at the edge of the blanket.  “I
would’ve thought one of them would be reluctant to leave
me.”

“
Which one?”

I shrugged.  The rift between us had
mushroomed from a crack to a chasm pretty quickly.

“
Helen, there are no right
or wrong answers.”

“
No, just statements that
determine if my cognition is intact or altered.  I freely
admit that I don’t know what’s going on.  That ought to count
for something.”

“
Who might’ve wanted to
remain with you at all times?”

“
Johnny?” whispered with
fear.

“
All right.”

“
That’s it?  You’re
not going to tell me if he’s been here?”

“
I’d like you to tell me
why you believe he would’ve been here, Helen.”

Tentacles gripped my rib cage and strangled
the breath right out of me.  Jesus, how much of my life had I
imagined?

“
Procrastination doesn’t
hurt me, Helen.  It hurts you.  We want to help you get
well.  We can’t do that if you won’t tell us what you’re
thinking and what you remember.”

“
Let’s move on to
something else.  I think this is March.”

“
That’s
correct.”

“
Did I come to the
hospital on Friday?”

“
You did.”

“
And Johnny brought me
here?”

“
I believe he was one of
the people responsible for bringing you to the
hospital.”

“
How long have I been
here?”

“
Three days.”

I cleared my throat.  “Am I pregnant or
is that a delusion?”

The nurse smiled.  “You’re definitely
pregnant.”

“
Johnny is my
husband.”

“
Then you do
remember.”

“
I’m not sure why you’d
doubt it,” I said.  “Was I… confused about that at some
point?”

“
It seems like your memory
is intact, for the most part.  I’d like you to tell me the
last thing you clearly remember before I start talking to you about
what happened when you came to the hospital, Helen.”

It felt like saying the words aloud was a
validation too unbearable.  Points to the nurse for
persistence.  It was one of those horrible moments of
cognitive dissonance, where intellectually, I understood the
rationale for coaxing me into talking about the ordeal. 
Emotionally, it was a dark corner I preferred remain
un-illuminated.

“
I’d like to see
Johnny.”

“
I’m afraid that’s not
possible.  Not yet at least.”

“
You think he’ll tell me
things you don’t want me to know.”

“
I know he would,” she
said.  “He’ll be thrilled to learn that you’re aware of your
surroundings now.  But before you can see anyone from your
life outside the hospital, we need to hear you say some
things.”

I sucked in a deep breath.  “What if
I’m wrong?  What if I’m still confused?”

“
I’m more interested in
hearing what you believe right now than I am the accuracy of your
perceptions.”

Whispered words fell from my lips, the last
thing I remembered and back to the beginning of a horrible night a
week ago.

My nurse patted my hand gently. 
“You’ve got excellent recall, Helen.  I’m comfortable that
what you suffered was a delirium and not psychosis.  I’ll call
the psychiatrist and let him know.”

“
And Johnny?”

“
Of course.”

I relaxed into the pillows
supporting me.  A new mantra drummed with every
heartbeat. 
I’m not crazy.  I’m
not crazy
.

In less than an hour, the psychiatrist
listened patiently while I repeated my recollection of the
abduction and everything that Andy Gillette did to me. 

“
Do you know what happened
to Mr. Gillette, Helen?” he asked.

“
I believe he’s
dead.”

“
All right.  Let’s
see what we can do to facilitate your discharge.  The medical
doctor will no doubt want some additional tests, just to be sure
that you’re well hydrated and so forth.  You were in pretty
bad shape when your husband got you to the hospital.”

“
Can I see
him?”

“
Of course,” he
said.  “He’s been camped out waiting for the past three
days.  I’ll have the nurse let him onto the unit.”

I was a moment from changing my mind about
seeing him when he stepped into the room.  The rift had not
been bridged.  My feelings were unchanged.  Maybe more
now than ever.

Johnny didn’t speak.  Instead he came
to the side of my bed.  One hand played with my
fingertips.  “How do you feel?”

“
Weak.  Tired. 
A little confused.”

He nodded and shoved his fists into the
pockets of his jeans.  “The nurse spoke to me earlier. 
She thinks they might let you leave the hospital today.”

An awkward silence descended between us, not
unlike the heavy morning fog that hovered close to the ground
outside.  I picked at the blanket on the bed.  Johnny
stared at the floor.

Finally, he cleared his throat.  “So,
uh, I guess we’re going to have to officially take your statement
pretty soon, Helen.”

I didn’t feel particularly amenable to
repeating the story a third time this morning.  Even though
the events of my rescue were murky and probably would never be any
clearer, I was certain that they’d pieced together what
happened.

“
Isn’t it obvious that it
was self defense?”

His eyes darted away from the floor, met
mine and held.  “Doc, that’s not what I meant, and you know
it.”

A bit of churlishness leeched through
me.  “Shouldn’t you be telling me what happened?  How did
you find me?  How did you figure out that Andy Gillette was up
to his shit-brown eyes in this little slavery conspiracy?”

Johnny cursed softly.

“
Payette recognized him,
didn’t she?  That’s why she wanted to see me, because she
caught a glimpse of Gillette at OSI.”

“
Yes,” he said. 
Churlish, meet bitter.  “You got hurt because I was pissed off
and didn’t take her insistent demand to see you seriously. 
All right?  I made a huge mistake.”

It wasn’t where I was going at all, but if
he wanted to put it in that context, who was I to argue?

“
And for the record,
Mackenzie feels just as guilty as I do.”

“
What for?”

Anger sparked in Johnny’s eyes.  “Well,
I suppose because he didn’t see the signs that his partner of ten
plus years was dirty all along.  Because he left you alone and
vulnerable when you had no business being out working a case in the
first place, and ended up being snatched right out from under
dozens of witnesses noses, who, I might add, didn’t think anything
out of the ordinary happened.”

I bit back my defense of Devlin. 

“
And then there’s
Crevan.”

Bile inched its way up the back of my
throat.  “Crevan?”

He nodded.  “Yeah, Crevan. 
Apparently he disagreed with your take on something you deemed
gibberish, but because you were already so…”

“
So what?”

“
Erratic, Helen. 
You’ve been goddamned erratic, and we both know why.  Because
you insisted on keeping that reason secret, like it’s something
you’re ashamed people know, he didn’t want to push you.”

“
And you’re telling me
that I was wrong, that what happened to me was my fault because I
missed some obvious clue?”

Johnny slumped into a chair beside the bed
and dragged one hand over his face.  “I wouldn’t say it was
obvious, but he saw something.”

“
What?”

“
Anagrams.  That
message you thought was nonsense was written to communicate the
return of
The Celeste
with a new shipment.  Subsequent messages laid out the
plan that clued him in that you were going to be abducted. 
They knew that you and Devlin were meeting Fantasia.  The
original plan was that Gillette would intercept him at OSI and take
him out when you were abducted.  What we haven’t been able to
figure out is why they planned to… to…”

“
Sell me into
slavery.”

The jaw muscle jumped.  “Yeah.”

My heart did a little skip in my
chest.  “And you think I was somehow enlightened?”

Johnny sat silently for several long
moments.  He opened his mouth, closed it again, frowned.

“
Spit it out,
Johnny.”

“
Did Gillette say anything
to you that might shed some light on why they suddenly targeted
you?”

“
No,” lie.  “It’s not
rocket science, Johnny.  I was a nuisance, not much unlike the
first case I investigated in Darkwater Bay.  I became too much
trouble for Jerry Lowe too.  Remember?”

“
This crewman, Raul Muñoz,
he said you threatened to kill all of them if they didn’t release
you.”

“
That’s not exactly true,”
I said.  “I told Raul that if he helped Gutierrez and Gillette
that he would be on my hit list
with
them.  I promised the
other two that they were dead men, regardless of what they
did.”

Johnny shook his head.  “Now that
sounds like something you’d say.  We never found the
captain.  Muñoz wouldn’t cop to what happened, beyond his
belief that the devil consumed his soul, but we suspect he might’ve
had a traditional burial at sea.”

“
I shoved his nose through
his brain,” I said, accompanied by a slight kick of my left
foot.  “After that, Gillette used his little stun gun on me
again.  When I woke, Umberto’s body was gone.”

“
Do I want to know how you
managed to break Gillette’s neck while you were shackled to the
wall?”

“
If you’re asking for
details, you’d probably be better off knowing that the leg irons
worked to my favor and nothing more.”

“
Helen,” he
paused.

“
Johnny, don’t ask for the
details.  Just believe me when I tell you that he didn’t
really hurt me physically.  A couple of jolts of electricity,
and a whole lot of pain in my shoulders from being strung
up.”

“
Then he didn’t… touch
you?  I saw what condition you were in,” he stared at the
floor as if it might open up and swallow him whole if he didn’t
keep an eye on it.  “He was half undressed
himself.”

“
He planned to administer
my first lesson in subservience.  Guess that didn’t work out
quite like he planned.”

“
You said something to me
when I found you, Helen.  You told me that there was someone
else involved.  Are you certain that Gillette didn’t make some
kind of confession to you?  I mean, they were pretty sure that
they had you, and from what we’ve pieced together from the crew on
that ship, this… arrangement to deliver you to the buyer… it was
made long before the Datello baby was kidnapped.”