Always Will: A Bad Boy Romance (23 page)

And there it is again. The crushing weight. The fear. The certainty that I can never be the man she needs. She waits, her eyes intent on me, but I don’t answer. I don’t know how to make her understand.

“No? I didn’t think so. I’ll stay as long as it takes to pass off my responsibilities to others, but then I’m leaving. Believe me, this is not what I wanted. I loved it here. But there is no way I can come to work every day and see you. I thought maybe I was strong enough to do it, but I’m not.”

She walks over to her chair and leans down to pick up her things. I catch sight of something at her throat, just beneath her shirt collar.

“Goodbye, Ronan,” she says.

I watch her go, but I saw it, and it’s like getting hit upside the head with a board. She’s wearing the necklace I bought her.

30: Selene

I already regret this date.

In a fit of anger after Ronan
dared
to offer me a promotion, I accepted an invitation to dinner from a guy I met in a coffee shop near my house. I’d seen him there before, but never talked to him. When he asked if I’d join him for dinner, I was still so pissed off at Ronan that I said yes.

Josh seems like a nice guy, but I never should have come out with him. I was honest about the fact that I literally just got out of a relationship, and he said he didn’t mind. If anything, he looked relieved. Even though he’s the one who approached me, I get the feeling he’s as reluctant about going on a date as I am. In a way, that was part of what made me accept. I felt like he and I could have a pleasant meal together without there being pressure to worry about what would come next.

But he had to choose the restaurant where Ronan interrupted my date with Aidan all those months ago. And the hostess just seated us at the same table.

I feel like this is a really bad sign.

My phone dings and I pull it out of my purse. “Sorry, I should have turned the sound off.” It’s a text from Kylie.

Where are you?

“Let me guess,” Josh says. “You have a friend ready to text you with a fake emergency in case you need an excuse to leave.”

I laugh while I send Kylie a reply.
Date. Chase’s Bar and Grill. Why?
“Not exactly. It is my friend, but she was just asking where I am. She probably stopped by my house and wondered.”

Josh rubs his chin and looks away. “Listen, I need to be honest with you. I know this is strange, considering I invited you, but I’m not sure I should have done that.”

Despite the fact that I’m not sure either, it’s still a little disappointing to hear. “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess … we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I’m crazy, right?” he says. “I mean, look at you.”

I glance down. I’m wearing a simple black dress with the necklace Ronan gave me at my throat. I should probably stop wearing it, but the meaning is so special. I think of my parents every time I put it on, and not in a way that makes me sad. It makes me feel like they’re still watching out for me, strange as that sounds.

“You’re really, really beautiful,” Josh continues. “But things in my life are uncertain right now, and I’m not sure if dating anyone is a good idea. I feel bad, because I asked you to dinner, and now here I am telling you I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll be honest, my brother has been pressuring me into dating and that’s why I asked you.”

I laugh and Josh’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. I was just sitting here thinking I probably shouldn’t have agreed to come out with you tonight. It’s way too soon for me.”

His shoulders relax and he smiles. “Tell you what, then. We’re here. We might as well eat.”

I glance at my phone one more time, wondering what’s up with Kylie, but she hasn’t replied. I put my phone back in my purse and go back to perusing the menu.

Josh and I order and start to chat. He confesses that his wife left him and their divorce was finalized recently. I find myself telling him about Ronan—some of it, at least. I don’t mention the fact that he was my boss, nor that I told Ronan I quit but haven’t yet put in official notice. I should. I need to be able to tell the rest of the office that I’m leaving, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to make the announcement yet.

Josh is sympathetic and understanding. Our food arrives, and it’s quite good. Despite the fact that neither of us want this to be a date, it’s nice to be out of the house and having a conversation with someone. I feel a bit more like myself than I have in a while.

“Excuse me,” someone says behind me, and I almost drop my fork.

He can’t be serious.

Josh looks up with raised eyebrows.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Ronan says, sliding a chair up to our table. “Actually, I’m lying. I’m not sorry.” He looks at Josh. “I hope you weren’t expecting to get lucky tonight. The lady’s coming home with me.”

My mouth drops open and I sputter, so angry I can’t get a word out.

Josh looks bewildered, and maybe even slightly amused. “Is this him?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say through gritted teeth, my eyes on Ronan. “And he’s definitely not staying.”

“Selene, we need to talk,” Ronan says.

“You cannot just show up here and interrupt my date,” I say.

Josh puts up a hand. “It’s not really a date.”

I glare at him. “You’re not helping.”

“Of course it’s not a date,” Ronan says, his eyes twinkling.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask.

“You can’t date him when you’re in love with me.”

I shake my head slowly. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?
You
left
me
, in case you’ve forgotten already. That was your decision. Now you need to live with it.” I stand up and root around in my purse for a second, then toss some money on the table so I don’t stick Josh with the bill. “Josh, I’m very sorry about this. Dinner was lovely, but I have to go.”

I push past Ronan, ignoring what he says to my back as I walk away. I cannot believe he would show up here like this. First he says he can’t be what I need, and now suddenly he wants to waltz back into my life?

He follows me out, but doesn’t seem to be trying to catch up. I hurry to my car, grateful that Josh and I decided to meet here and I don’t have to ruin my dramatic exit by going back to ask for a ride home, or stopping to get a cab. I get in my car and leave, checking my rear view mirror for signs that Ronan is following me. There’s a car behind me for a while, but it doesn’t look like his and it turns down a side street before I get home.

Without really thinking it through, I drive past my house and don’t stop. He’s going to come here. If he was brazen enough to interrupt my date, he’ll certainly try to find me at home. Seeing him made me so angry—he’s so smug and fucking arrogant.

The lady’s coming home with me
. What an asshole.

I do not want to admit how hearing that sent a lighting strike straight to my core.

After driving around aimlessly for a while, I find a parking spot on the street in front of a random restaurant and go in. I don’t even know what I’m doing. The host shows me to a table, and I order a glass of wine.

Reluctantly, I check my phone. I have a string of texts from Ronan.

I’m sorry. I tried your house. You weren’t home.

Kylie was there. She said you were on a date.

This is my fault.

Please, can we talk?

I need to see you.

Where are you? I’m getting worried.

I put my phone down on the table and take a sip of my wine. What the hell am I doing? I just let him chase me out of a restaurant and now I’m avoiding my house.

My phone dings again.
Get. Your. Ass. Home.

Oh, no he fucking didn’t.

Furiously, I type out a reply.
Are you kidding me? FUCK YOU

I drop my phone back onto the table, but it dings again almost immediately.

I knew that would get you to answer.

I grind my teeth together. He is so damn infuriating.

He texts again.
Please, Selene. Come home.

Should I? Should I hear what he has to say? I’m hurt, but he’s right about loving him. I don’t think that will ever go away, regardless of what happens between us. I’ll carry a piece of him with me for the rest of my life.

What happened to him? The last time we saw each other, he had that haunted look in his eyes. Tonight, he was back to his old confident self. I can’t shake the feeling that the only reason he’s interested again is because he doesn’t have me. He’s back to chasing what he can’t have—once again, I’m a challenge.

I nurse my wine for a while, listening to the soft hum of conversations around me. Ronan texts a few more times, asking where I am, if I’m okay, and whether I need a ride. Those are followed by another plea to come home. I don’t answer.

After paying my bill—the waiter seems a little perplexed that I didn’t order any food—I decide I ought to go home. I briefly consider going to Braxton and Kylie’s place instead, before realizing how ridiculous that is. If I don’t want to talk to Ronan, I can simply tell him to leave. I don’t have to let him in.

But as soon as I see him sitting on my front porch, I know I will.

The collar of his shirt is unbuttoned and his hair looks unkempt as usual. Somewhere between here and the restaurant, he lost some of his confident swagger. There’s concern in his eyes as I walk up the sidewalk.

He stands as I approach. “I was getting worried.”

I’m still not sure I want to talk to him. Without a word, I sweep past him and go inside. But I leave the door open.

I hear the door close as I drop my purse on the counter.

I whirl on him. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you,” he says.

“What makes you think you have the right to barge in on me like that?” I ask. “I was out with someone, and you just walk up to my table? Again?”

“Come on, that wasn’t really a date,” he says.

“I don’t care what it was,” I say. “I could have been planning on fucking that guy’s brains out tonight. You had no idea.”

A flash of anger crosses his features. He did not like hearing that.

“But you weren’t,” he says, stepping closer. His calm tone is maddening. “And we both know why.”

“So, what is this?” I ask. “Do you consider this an apology? Because you’re terrible at it.”

“I haven’t even started to apologize,” he says, his voice low. He gets closer. “I have a lot of apologizing to do.”

The heat between my legs only makes me angrier. He should not be able to make me feel this way. “You are such an asshole.”

He stands right in front of me. I should move. He’s so close, I can feel his body heat. He wraps his hand around the back of my head, twining his fingers through my hair. God, I love how he does that.

No, I don’t. I’m angry. Furious.

“Listen to me,” he says. “I told you the second time we got together it wouldn’t be a mistake, and it wasn’t. I’m the one who screwed up, and fuck if I don’t know it. This is all on me, Selene, and I will literally do anything you want if you’ll just listen.”

“Fine, talk.”

He doesn’t let go. His face is so close our noses nearly touch. “I know I don’t have the right to kiss you yet, but fuck, Selene, I missed you so much.”

I almost kiss him, right there—my body aches for him—but I can’t let this be about sex. I move back, and he lets go.

“You said you wanted to talk,” I say.

“Do you want to sit down?” he asks.

“Not really.”

He lets out a breath and I try to keep my eyes away from his crotch, but he’s standing at attention and it’s so distracting.

“What?” I say when he doesn’t start talking. “Out with it.”

“I was scared,” he says. “You scared the fuck out of me, and I literally haven’t been scared of anything since I was in a car accident in college.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Sarah said she told you about the accident, so you know what happened,” he says. “The bottom line is, Mike and Chelsea both died, and there was nothing I could do for them. I tried everything to keep them alive. I’ve never felt so helpless. And afterward, Selene, I should have died, too. I walked for two days to get help and my injuries were infected. When that trucker found me, my fever was so high I was delirious.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty for surviving,” I say. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know,” he says. “I’ve never thought of it as guilt. But that accident changed me. I stopped feeling fear. I guess I figured if I lived through that, nothing was going to kill me. So I started taking bigger and bigger risks. The rush was addicting. It was the only time I felt real. The only time I felt alive. I started chasing the high, going after bigger and bigger challenges. It wasn’t just the sports, although it felt like nothing would ever be high enough, or fast enough. I lived for any kind of challenge. It was the only thing that made me feel like I hadn’t died at the bottom of that cliff.”

“Then why were you scared of
me
?”

“Because you trusted everything to me,” he says. “Your career. Your body. Your life. Your heart. After we went skydiving, all I could think about was how I failed Chelsea. I didn’t save her. What if it happened again? What if something happened to you? I didn’t think I could live through that again.”

“Ronan, you can’t expect to protect me from everything,” I say. “Even if I never jump out of an airplane again, I could get killed just driving home from work.”

“I know. It wasn’t just the thought of you dying. I realized how deep I was with you. Your whole life was wrapped up with mine. It scared the shit out of me, and I’m a man who hasn’t felt fear in years. I didn’t know how to cope with it. But the truth is…” He gets close and wraps his hand around the back of my neck again. “No matter how much you scare me, you’re the only thing that’s ever made me feel alive that isn’t likely to kill me.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Since the accident, I’ve fluctuated between feeling dead inside and being high on adrenaline. There was no in between. I was either riding a rush, or craving the next one. With you, I feel calm but alive. I feel whole. Balanced. And the longer we were together, the longer that feeling lasted. It wasn’t just when you were near; the feeling would stay. Normally I’d be jumping out of airplanes or off of cliffs every chance I get. But you were magic, Selene. I don’t know how, but you smoothed out all my edges.”