Always With Love (29 page)

The
short journey to the church is a silent one. We sit in the back of the black Mercedes – an upgrade from the retro mini but not too flashy – holding hands and letting our thoughts take over. I know Mum probably has a million thoughts whirling through her brain so I don’t push a conversation. I understand that this moment isn’t about me, so it’s not for me to ambush it with my own ramblings, although I can’t help but wonder what she’s thinking about in her last few moments as Mrs Jane May.

Pulling up outside the church, Mum waits for me to get out first, her eyes fixed out of the window and on to the building next to us. Once the driver has opened her door I carefully help Mum out and hand over her bouquet, a beautiful arrangement of the same flowers people will see in the shop later on (if they’ve not wilted overnight).

Charlotte comes running over in her pale pink bridesmaid dress, the colour matching my own but the cut much puffier, younger and fun than my slinkier number that hugs my figure while still being floaty and free. Our flowers are similar to Mum’s but smaller, and in her free hand Charlotte is clutching hold of Minnie Mouse – obviously. She couldn’t be expected to miss the big occasion.

Charlotte isn’t jumpy or chaotic, instead she’s giddily calm. By that I mean she’s wearing the biggest smile on her face as she greets us with cuddles, but manages to
keep her body under control and not fidget and jump around afterwards. She may be young but it’s clear she understands the significance of the day, and that makes her look so much more grown up than she is.

The three of us slowly walk up the concrete path towards the church. It’s only once we’re standing at the doors, waiting for our cue to enter, that I suddenly have an urge to say something to the utter vision of resplendence to my right.

‘I love you so much, Mum,’ I whisper, looping my arm through hers.

‘And I love you so much,’ Mum responds, squeezing my arm and giving me a loving smile.

She looked incredible in the shop, but now she looks otherworldly. She’s poised, calmly composed and serene – the opposite to the shell of a human she was for a huge period of our lives.

As we take our steps behind beautiful little Charlotte and start walking down the aisle towards Colin, I experience a powerful surge of honour at walking my Mum into Colin’s arms. It gives me the greatest delight to be by the side of this strong woman and seeing just how much she’s blossomed and been transformed by the love of a great man. It’s with deep pleasure and satisfaction that I am about to give her away, and I have never and could never be prouder than I feel in this precise moment.

As I slowly guide us both down the aisle in front of Mum and Colin’s closest friends and family, I notice they’re all visibly choked with emotion at the sight of Mum and the promises of love they’re about to witness.

Colin’s face is a picture when he eventually turns
around – something he leaves until we’re only a few feet away. His face pings into action as though it’s been physically whacked with emotion. His chin wobbles and his mouth opens as he audibly sucks in a lungful of air.

Darling Aaron puts his arms around his dad and pats him on the back of his smart navy blue suit. He might only be a young boy, but the gesture of support is incredibly sweet and touching.

When Charlotte gets to Colin he bends down to kiss her. However, she wraps her arms tightly around his neck and then pulls his face to hers, gently rubbing their noses together before she kisses him on the cheek and stands next to her brother, where the two of them hold hands.

Colin takes a deep breath and, when he finds himself back on his feet, stands taller than before as he lovingly gazes at Mum. He glances at me with smiling eyes, but his attention is all on her. As it should be.

I take Mum’s soft hand and place it into his, feeling tears run down my cheeks as I back away from the altar and go to my seat beside Billy, who is looking extremely smart in his tailored three-piece suit. He protectively puts an arm around my waist and pulls me into his warm body.

I’m so thankful he’s here. Not just so that I don’t have to sit here on my own, but because I realize he understands me more than anyone else ever has before. And that’s important in any relationship. We all come with our quirks and idiosyncrasies – it’s inevitable. But the key to having anything long lasting is finding someone who doesn’t mind the twisted traits you possess. Or who sees them but loves you anyway …

The service is beautiful. What stuns me most is the outpouring of love in the room, and not just between the bride and groom. Everyone here is radiating love from their core, and it creates such an intimate and special atmosphere inside the large, cold church.

There are tears, there’s laughter (sometimes at the same time), but I have a smile plastered on my face throughout, echoing the same expression that’s on the faces of each member of my patchwork family. As the vicar speaks, as Mum and Colin say their vows and declare their love, I feel us all being stitched together and becoming one. Officially becoming unified and whole.

I couldn’t be happier.

‘Thank
you, Rachel, you’re such a star,’ says Mum, smiling up at her in the same euphoric state she’s been in since we left the church.

Rachel has been wonderful, we really couldn’t have asked for more. As planned, she handed out glasses of bubbly as we arrived at the shop and then, once the guests were seated, brought out the platters of sandwiches and neatly displayed cake stands filled with treats that she put together this morning. They’re scattered along the tables, in between the flowers and candles, and look deliciously enticing. Once everything is laid out and people are happily tucking in, Rachel starts laying out the tea.

‘She’s like a duck,’ I laugh, making room for her to place a pot down our end of the table. ‘She looks totally unfazed at having to look after so many of us.’

‘No wonder I’ve lost my job. You’re a pro,’ Billy tells her.

‘Oh, it’s nothing,’ she gushes, her cheeks reddening at Billy’s attention.

‘I’m surprised you didn’t get Peter to help out, though,’ says Billy, looking at me.

‘Oh …’ I say, the statement catching me by surprise.

‘He was meant to be helping out, wasn’t he?’ asks Colin with a concerned frown. ‘You asked him.’

‘I guess he’s probably too busy packing,’ says Billy with a shrug, coming to his own conclusion.

‘Packing?’ asks Rachel, looking at me.

‘He’s going back to Oz,’ I say calmly, not liking the fact that we’ve already spent far too long talking about him.

‘Oh, that’s a shame,’ Mum sighs, her voice light and colourful.

‘Hmmm …’ Rachel sounds, walking back behind the counter to continue distributing the tea to the rest of the wedding guests, although now she’s frowning as she does so.

‘Peter’s really good at football,’ Aaron tells Billy with a knowing nod. ‘Although he’s not been back to the house like he said he would. Probably won’t now either,’ he adds, looking dismayed.

‘Did you know there are animals as tall as humans in Australia that bounce around like rabbits?’ asks Charlotte, her eyes wide and full of wonder, as though she’s telling him about something magical and unheard of.

‘She’s talking about kangaroos,’ explains Aaron, grabbing a hazelnut macaroon from the cake stand in front of him and jamming it into his mouth.

‘So I guessed,’ Billy replies.

‘I don’t think they’re real though,’ Charlotte sighs, looking bitterly disappointed at the prospect. ‘I think Peter was making it up.’

‘Well, adults do and say silly things sometimes,’ Billy says, looking across at me with a troubled expression on his face.

The look sends a shiver down my spine and causes my jaw to tense up.

‘So when was he over at the house?’ he asks Aaron, clearly trying to piece together whatever I’ve not shared and going to the most loose-tongued of the gathered group.

‘Few weeks ago,’ shrugs Aaron.

‘I treated him to a roast,’ Mum admits, her innocent face smiling at Billy. ‘My idea.’

‘Oh …’ Billy says, glancing back at me.

I’m not sure whether he believes her or not, but the conversation is thankfully dropped.

An hour later, once everyone’s tummies are being rubbed and people are declaring they’ve eaten too much, Mum stands up from her chair and taps her teaspoon against the side of her china cup.

It doesn’t take long for her to grab everyone’s attention and for the room to stop talking and look over. After all, this is so out of character for my mum.

‘You all know I’m not one to make public speeches or whatnot, but when Colin asked me if I wanted to say a few words today the word “Yes” came out of my mouth so quickly I dared not question it,’ she says, causing her gathered guests to laugh.

Mum gazes over at Colin, who looks back encouragingly. She takes a deep breath, smiles and continues.

‘First, I want to start by saying a huge thank you to you all for being here on this special day. Obviously you all know this isn’t the first time Colin and I have said our “I dos”, but that doesn’t make them any less special, or lessen the importance of our previous vows we made to two special people who we’ll always continue to cherish and admire,’ she says, her hand finding my back and giving it a rub, while Colin places his arm along the back of Aaron and Charlotte’s chairs. ‘So on this day I’d like to make a promise to Colin’s Pauline and to my Dean. I
promise to honour your memories, and go forth in the knowledge that your love guides us through the dark days, and joins us through all the good times yet to come. You will always be a part of this family,’ she says, her gaze lingering on us three children. ‘Gone will never equal forgotten.’

‘Hear, hear,’ someone shouts out, causing a little laughter to join some discreet sniffs in the room.

‘Colin and I have been blessed with three precious gifts in Sophie, Aaron and Charlotte,’ Mum continues, her grip pulling my shoulder into her hip. ‘Sophie, what a remarkable girl you are. You will never know how much you touch those around you with your kindness and unwavering heart. I’m so proud to call you my daughter. I can’t thank you enough for making this day simply perfect.’

She bends down, cups my face and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

‘I love you,’ I whisper back.

‘Aaron and Charlotte, what a joy you are to be around,’ she adds, talking to the two little cherubs who are listening to her every word. ‘You’re complete credits to your mother and father and I promise to love and support you both as much as I can. And finally, to Colin I’d like to say thank you,’ she says, her eyes welling up as she looks at him to find him dabbing his face with a napkin. ‘Thank you for giving me light when I thought there was only darkness. Thank you for giving me laughter when I was sure there were only tears. And thank you for giving me a future when I thought there wasn’t one.’

A silence lands on the room as her beautifully thought-through words settle in.

‘So if you’d all like to raise your glasses, I’d like to make a toast. To Colin. My husband. My shining star.’

‘To Colin,’ we all chorus before erupting into applause at Mum’s eloquent speech.

‘How on earth can I follow that one?’ Colin sighs as he gets up from his chair, causing us all to laugh. ‘I feel like saying “what she said” and then sitting down again …’ he says, his fingers wiping the sides of his mouth. He stands there, collecting his thoughts while waiting for the crowd to fall silent again. ‘Life is a strange thing. Just when you think you have it all figured out something happens that throws all of that into oblivion. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I know that today, right now in this moment, I’m where I should be. That I’m the luckiest man alive to be able to call Jane my wife and these three our children …’

Unexpectedly, my nose stings and tears spring to my eyes.

I knew Mum had her own thoughts about Aaron and Charlotte and her role as their step-mum, but I hadn’t thought about Colin and the part he’ll now play in my life. To hear him, kind, loving, loyal Colin, refer to me as one of his children hits me harder than I expected. It fills me with love and further appreciation for the man who has unconditional kindness in his heart.

Once
the guests have gone I send Rachel home, despite her protests. I also demand Mum, Colin, Aaron and Charlotte leave so they can enjoy their first official night of having Mum live with them. I think Mum wanted to argue, but thankfully decided against it. After all, it’s her day to enjoy.

For a minute or two I think about clearing up and taking down the romantic decorations, but it seems such a shame to do it while I’m wearing my pretty dress, so resolve to come back in the morning to do it. Instead, I take Billy by the hand and lead him into the romantically lit courtyard.

We each grab a blanket and collapse on one of the benches Colin made, wrapping ourselves up and getting snuggled into each other.

‘It already feels like I’ve not been away,’ Billy muses, his head back looking at the stars above.

‘Funny, I was about to say it feels like you’ve been back for ages,’ I note.

‘We’re so in sync,’ Billy chuckles.

‘Are we?’ I find myself asking, placing weight on his comment that was clearly meant to be a casual throwaway.

Billy turns to me, his face contemplative. ‘You tell me …’

Whenever I look into his eyes my troubles seem to melt away, but on this occasion, perhaps it’s best to voice how
I’ve been feeling over the last few months and come clean about a couple of things. After all, how can a relationship last anyway if it’s not built on the solid foundations of trust and honesty?

‘Peter kissed me,’ I say sadly, surprised at myself for diving in and starting the conversation, especially when we’re in such a romantic setting on our first night together in months and after such an emotional day.

‘Thought so,’ Billy replies instantly, his voice low as he closes his eyes and tightens his jaw.

‘You were right to be worried and put out by the whole thing,’ I continue, shaking my head as I think back to the moment in the park. ‘I was an idiot. I wasn’t expecting it … I didn’t reciprocate,’ I say, wanting to clarify that fact in case he’s thinking otherwise. ‘It was weeks ago. The first time I saw him since then was this morning.’

‘Ah …’

‘It didn’t mean anything.’

‘You sure about that?’

‘Yes,’ I say adamantly, my voice strong and determined.

‘You know I trust you more than anyone else in my life,’ Billy says, looking over at me with a hurt expression on his face.

‘I didn’t want to say anything on the phone or in a letter,’ I explain, feeling like I’m letting him down even though I am trying my best to be honest. ‘Actually, I didn’t want to have to say anything at all, but I think we need to talk about things anyway and that little moment is so insignificant that it suddenly felt like a good place to start,’ I admit.

‘So there’s more?’ Billy puffs, his eyes looking worried
as they widen in concern, looking at my face for clues as to what’s coming next.

‘I’ve found it really difficult.’

‘So have I …’ he frowns.

‘But I’ve felt like the pressure has been on me to adapt and change my life so that I can fit around yours,’ I explain. ‘And when you’re over there our lives are so different.’

‘I’m sorry you’ve felt that way,’ he says, looking even more concerned about where the conversation is heading – something I can relate to. I’m also troubled about the outcome now I’ve started.

‘For a long time I plodded through life with no sense of direction,’ I say slowly, wanting to be sure to speak the right words and only say what I mean. ‘Then you came along and the world became a bigger place with more opportunities and more possibilities … I hadn’t thought of life outside a six-days-a-week job in Rosefont Hill, not since my teens anyway, but suddenly there you were throwing up the question of dreams, ambition and the future. I followed you to London, I changed my life for you, but that didn’t make me happy.’

Billy listens quietly as I speak, sometimes looking at my lips as they move or woefully searching my eyes. Sometimes, though, his gaze is off me entirely, absentmindedly looking at the space ahead of us. But I know he’s listening. I know he’s absorbing my every word, and that spurs me on.

‘Obviously we had our problems then, but when Molly died and left me this place I was rooted back here … thankfully with you by my side,’ I continue, not wanting
to hash up old problems, yet needing him to understand where my head is at now. ‘But I still took all of what I had for granted. It’s only you being gone this time and watching you actively fulfilling your dreams and being so focused on those ambitions that has caused me to question what it is I want from my life.’

I pause, and think for a second. Wondering how to communicate what I’ve discovered about myself in his absence. When I start talking again my voice is softer. ‘I’ve loved the letters. A few weeks ago I found myself re-reading them all, as well as an old one from Molly. It made me realize that I’m not tied down by the shop. I’m not. If I wanted to I could just up and leave and follow you anywhere you went in the world. But. I don’t want to move anywhere. This is my home. It’s where I belong. It’s where I want to be.’

‘I know that,’ Billy sighs. ‘That’s why I suggested buying your house.’

I look at him and sigh. It feels good to be here talking with him and getting everything out in the open, but man alive, does it take some courage to share everything I want to. ‘I actually made some other decisions too.’

‘There’s more?’

‘Yes … But let me show you this one.’

‘OK,’ he frowns.

I take Billy by the hand, grab my keys from the kitchen side, and lead him to the front of the shop.

‘Actually, wait here a second,’ I say, leaving him by the front of the counter while I dash outside, unlock the flat door, run upstairs and turn on the lights to make it look more welcoming and friendly.

I take a deep breath before running back down the stairs. At the shop door I usher Billy towards me, holding out my hand for him to take.

‘What’s going on?’ he asks, perturbed, looking completely downtrodden as he complies and takes my hand.

‘You’ll see,’ I say, trying to sound upbeat.

After a momentary pause, I guide him out of the shop, lock the door and then walk a few paces to the left where the door to the flat is still wide open.

‘What’s this?’ he asks when we start climbing up the stairs.

I resist replying until we walk through the main door upstairs.

‘Welcome to my new home … potentially,
our
new home,’ I say, holding my arms out wide and looking at the space around us, gesturing for him to look around and explore.

I watch as he takes it all in.

Interestingly, I see it with fresh eyes being here with Billy, which allows me to really absorb the space and see all of the hard work and effort I’ve poured in over the last few weeks. The lounge, although still sofa-less, is cosy and inviting. I’ve painted the walls a warm cream, hung white curtains at the windows (which are embroidered with very faint stars) and placed some rustic hearts made of entwined twigs in the window frame. On two shelves I’ve arranged some photo frames containing prints of quotes from my favourite books, each of them uplifting and inspiring. There are also chunky vanilla-scented church candles and a small selection of my most-read and loved books. I’ll eventually get a book unit for the rest
once I properly move everything over from my old room, but for now this is enough. In the centre of the room, on the floor, I’ve laid a shaggy rug, on top of which is a gorgeous coffee table that Colin had stored in his garage and wasn’t using.

The rectangular kitchen has white units and a wooden work surface to match the wooden doorknobs, with a small wooden table and chairs set, also donated by lovely Colin, in one corner. Again, I’ve hung things that make me smile, like a set of six hand-painted heart mugs that dangle from hooks from underneath a display shelf which is home to my ceramic pots and glass jars of flour, sugar and other necessary cooking ingredients.

I’ve not done much with either of the bedrooms yet, except paint them and hang curtains, as I’ve been waiting to move over the furniture I’m bringing from home. However, I can’t help but smile when I walk into the main bedroom and see three cream walls, alongside one pink one. My plan being to have a wall that’s just like my one at home – pink and filled with happy pictures and memories … I’m taking the essence of the wall without all the pain and heartache.

I glance at Billy and see the corner of his mouth lift at the sight in front of us, which causes a feeling of hope to surge within me.

‘So?’ I ask. ‘I know I’ve done it without consulting you.’

‘It wasn’t what I was expecting to come back to,’ he admits, his eyes fixed on the pink wall.

‘I don’t want either of us to feel like I’m pinned down to the shop. I know your mum said it would make life more difficult, but I think it’ll actually make things easier
if we understand we’re both chasing and living our dreams. I think we might be able to have the best of both worlds if, with the help of Rhonda, we play it right …’ I say, feeling myself rambling but unable to stop, wanting to get the words out. ‘But I also know that priorities and plans change. People change along with their wants and desires. I’m not going to be forcing you to live a life with me here if you’d rather be elsewhere, pursuing a different life in some Hollywood Hills mansion.’

‘When did my mum say that?’ Billy asks soberly, looking across at me.

‘I overheard her talking to you. Telling you that she didn’t want you throwing your life and dreams away for a girl,’ I admit, realizing I might as well get it all out there while I’m at it.

‘Ah …’ he nods, clenching his jaw.

‘I’d never want that for you. I wouldn’t want that for me either … And although I understand that I probably do offer you a sense of normality, I’ve decided that’s not a bad thing. I’m proud of the life I lead. I love it,’ I conclude.

‘Why didn’t you tell me you’d overheard her?’

‘Things were bad enough without me adding to the drama.’

‘She really does like you.’

‘I’m not so sure about that,’ I chuckle.

‘No, seriously,’ Billy says, taking hold of my hand. ‘That was such an odd time … I hate that you had to see my mum like that, but that’s not who she is. In time you’ll see that.’

‘No one’s perfect,’ I shrug, not wanting to argue about
something completely off topic when there’s already so much to talk about and sort through.

‘She loves you.’

‘Come on,’ I say, rolling my eyes.

‘Seriously … they all do,’ he says, placing an arm around me and pulling me into his chest.

I tentatively place my hands on his hips and take a deep breath, enjoying the feeling of his strong arms around me, but also scared of what’s to come. Now that he’s here, in my new home, I understand how much I’d hate to lose him.

Eventually Billy pulls away from me and walks back into the kitchen.

‘Let’s sit down,’ he says, pulling out a couple of chairs, sitting and resting his arms on the table.

‘You must be shattered,’ I say, remembering he only flew in this morning.

‘Yeah.’

‘We can talk about this tomorrow if you’d rather?’ I suggest, my voice cracking as I say it, knowing it’s not what I want.

‘I’ve travelled five thousand miles to see the love of my life,’ he says, his lips pursing together. ‘I want to make sure I’m not about to lose her …’

‘I thought I was about to lose you,’ I confess, feeling my face crumple.

‘Sounds like we’ve both been a bit scared, then.’

‘Maybe,’ I nod, nibbling on my bottom lip.

His hand cups one of my cheeks while his lips find the other.

He places his forehead against mine, and there we rest
with our eyes closed for a few moments. Silently in thought.

‘OK,’ he whispers eventually, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath. ‘Now it’s my turn to do the talking … I know I made a bold statement last year about leaving acting behind and opting for a simpler, more fulfilling life with you. Though please notice I said nothing about chasing normality,’ he says intently, looking me in the eye to make sure I know his mum’s choice of words is not his own.

I give a modest nod.

‘I know I’ve backtracked on what I said and can see that it might have made you feel like my priorities have changed or that I’m suddenly not as into you as I was …’ he says, placing a hand on my knee. ‘But that couldn’t be further from the truth, baby. It makes me sad to think you think that. If anything I’m doing all of this for you, for us, for our future.

‘I’ve fallen back in love with acting – that’s true. But performing is for me what the shop is for you. I wouldn’t want you to have to choose between me and your life here, and I know you wouldn’t ask me to do the same with you and acting. I know we’ve had a couple of wobbly patches while I’ve been out in LA, but we’re both learning how to cope and adapt,’ he states, his thumb gliding along the fabric of my dress on top of my kneecaps. ‘It’s not easy, we knew it wouldn’t be. We do have to compromise, but I don’t want that compromise meaning either of us is left unhappy. It’s about finding a balance and realizing that having something else in our lives doesn’t have to mean we love each other any less.’

‘I know that …’ I frown, wishing it were as simple as it sounds.

‘You’ll always be my top priority when it matters.’

‘But how can you distinguish when it matters and when it doesn’t?’ I ask calmly.

‘Well, I hope I’ll be intuitive on that, but I’m bound to get it wrong occasionally. I know I did this time round.’

‘You’re not the only one,’ I groan, thinking back to Peter.

‘And if that happens again we have to be honest in the moment. Call each other out on it,’ he says, gripping hold of my hand. ‘Rhonda is on our side. Three months on, three months off, that’s what we’ve got planned. And if that doesn’t pan out then we’ll scrap that idea and come up with a new strategy. Nothing is set in stone and making sure we’re both happy is more important than anything else,’ Billy says firmly, a frown forming along his brow as he says it. ‘Don’t forget, Rhonda wasn’t involved when I signed this deal. It’ll be different next time.’

‘With Rhonda cracking the whip?’ I joke.